For sareface's Oneshot Challenge Homework: Write Disclaimer.
Well, like any other normal child, nony0mous will not do his homework until the very last minute.
Hermione? I need your help for a second...
Mad-Eye Moody was on a trip to Hogsmeade to investigate a situation. He had been told that there was a UFH – an Unidentified Floating Head. According to Lucius, his son had been walking down the street when Ronald Weasley had decided to barrage him with beetles, mud, and Blast-Ended Skrewts (oh my!). But even after scaring Weasley away, he realized that mud was still hurtling towards his head, and was horrified to find Harry Potter's head had been flying about 5 feet off of the ground, smiling evilly, with "his ugly scar and crooked glasses... my poor Draco... and the maid we had hired to replace that house-elf... she was on holiday! We – we – were forced, forced to... t-t-t-to... forgive me, this is just too... do you have a tissue? Thanks. Anyway, we were forced to... washtheclothesourselves!" Lucius then fainted.
So Moody was forced to investigate this rubbish. Draco, if he knew the Malfoys, had probably simply had a fever, but then again, if Draco had a fever, Lucius would probably still file a lawsuit against someone, anyway.
"Alastor! You're just the Auror I wanted to see right now. You see, I have a problem..."
The speaker was Aberforth Dumbledore, and he indeed had a problem.
"Sorry, but I'm in the middle of helping the Malfoys – you know how they are. This is one of the most ridiculous cases I have ever gotten, except maybe the time the Malfoys were attacked by a 'Rumple-Horned Warcack' or something. Pure rubbish. But if you don't mind, I would like some beer. Working for idiots is exhausting."
Aberforth didn't have time for this nonsense.
"Moody, this is urgent! We can't just sit around; my house has been infested."
"Fine, fine. I'll take a look around."
Moody started walking but immediately stopped.
"Do you hear that?"
"Nope."
"I hear a Rapping Reptile. Those are poisonous, you know."
"Sure they are. Look, I'll be in the Hog's Head, and if you need anything, you could come."
Aberforth Dumbledore trotted down the street but fell down halfway to the pub.
Moody growled. "Warned him." He put on some earmuffs and ran down to help him.
"MY EARS, OH, MY EARS!" screamed Dumbledore.
Mad-Eye listened through the earmuffs.
"Hmm." he growled. "I know what reptile did this..."
He looked and saw the infamous rapper, Day-Z, rapping, like all rappers, because rappers like to rap raps, as they are rappers, and that's what rappers do: rap raps.
"I got 99 problems but a witch ain't one! Yeah! Woo!"
The Auror caught up to Day-Z in two strides.
"Well, well, well. Do you know what you did to this man? You hurt his ears! I have NEVER heard such terrible music... except for that Bieber kid. And you know what? You know what they do to rappers like you? They put them in Azkaban. You're gonna be in there for a while."
Day-Z didn't come quietly. He pulled out his wand.
"For Voldemort! Crucio!"
But he never got a chance to aim his wand, because Aberforth already had him in a choke-hold.
Moody asked, "How did you know?"
Aberforth looked at him with an incredulous look. "Well, I thought it was obvious. After all, he did have a tattoo on his arm."
And indeed, as he rolled up Day-Z's sleeve, Alastor saw a tattoo, exclaiming, VOLDY 4EVAH.
Mad-Eye couldn't believe it. "You saved my sanity!" he gasped.
"Well, actually, you never had any."
"How can I ever repay you?"
"Let's start by helping me with my dear problem. Then we can talk about Galleons."
So Alastor and Aberforth walked down to the Hog's Head.
"You see," he said with a flourish, "we have a bit of a problem."
Dumbledore was pointing to a boggart in the center of the room.
Moody was not impressed. "A boggart? Didn't you ever learn the Boggart-Vanishing Spell?"
"Ah, but you see, this isn't just any boggart."
The boggart looked at Dumbledore and turned into a bag.
A bag of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans.
Aberforth shrieked in horror.
"I'm sorry – but my brother and I have a deep fear for beans. A long time ago, in Hogwarts, Albus and I were in Transfiguration class, experimenting with Bertie Bott's Beans. The teacher told us, 'Don't eat the beans. Turn them into lemon drops.' Well, you know Albus and I, we ate the beans. But it turned out that we had eaten Mutating Acid flavored beans. So we started fidgeting, and the next thing you know, POOF! I turn into a werewolf and Albus turns into a vampire. And then Albus's crush, Bella, finally noticed him, because, yeah, he was a vampire. And then the sky started to grow dark, like, twilight, and this girl in the class was like, 'This is so dramatic! I should turn this into a book!" So Bella started snogging Albus, but unfortunately for her, the mutation wasn't finished. He grew another eye and some antennas, and his skin turned green, and he was like, 'Xruxki?" So I was like, 'Oh my god, what is that thing?" Bella was so angry, but instead of hitting him, she punched me in the stomach! And then Albus tried to communicate with me by passing a note. The teacher finally noticed me, grabbed the letter, and gave me a week's worth of detentions for passing notes in class. So I was so -"
At this point he realized that Moody was no longer listening.
"Are you done now?" he asked.
Aberforth growled.
"Good. Now, say riddikulus!"
Trembling, Aberforth poined his wand and said the magic word.
Suddenly, Justing Bieber walked into the room, looked around, and ate a bean.
"Eeek!" he screamed. (High-pitched, of course.) "This tastes like poop!"
Moody turned. "Seriously, Dumbledore?"
"Er, I don't think you should be throwing around the word Siriusly at a time like this..."
So, naturally, a giant dog prowled into the room.
"The Grim!" shrieked Sybill Trelwaney, who had been taking a stroll through Hogsmeade and telling everyone that they "do not have much time left... yes, indeed, you will be attacked by your pet onion. Beware the number 23,581, as it is your unlucky number. And a few tips: don't play the clarinet badly, don't wave a flashlight around, don't eat or hold cubed cheese, don't stomp around, don't wear a hoop skirt, don't wear clown shoes, don't wear a sombrero in a goofy fashion, and never, ever, screech like a chimpanzee!" Sybill then fainted.
Anyway, since the boggart was done with Aberforth, it turned to Mad-Eye...
And it turned into a teddy bear.
Mad-Eye got a fearful look on his face.
"Well, you know, these days, wizards are getting smarter with their curses... this one happened to be a living teddy bear. Ever wondered how I got this eye in the first place?"
But it was too late for Rita Skeeter, as she walked into the Hog's Head, and started writing immediately about Alastor.
"So, Moody, you hate happiness?"
It looked like Moody was ready to use the Killing Curse on Skeeter.
Skeeter was saved by Lucius, who was wondering how Moody was doing with the investigation on how "Harry is an idiot, cough, I meant, why was there a floating head right next to Draco?"
The reunion was disrupted, however, when a dementor decided to wander in and "accidentally" lowered his hood.\
Just another day in Hogsmeade.
So Hermione has boldly refused my offers to let her help me right a disclaimer.
That was not very smart.
Now to put her in my story...
Hermione walked around, confused on where she was.
"Wasn't I just in Hogwarts?"
(Yes, nony0mous goes to Hogwarts. Be jealous.)
"Yes," replies nony0mous. "However, you have been... how do I say this? You have been a bit of a nincompoop, and so you must receive punishment."
Hermione gulped.
"What kind of punishment?"
"Well, you have just walked into my Chamber Office Room of Extreme Torture and Violence and Death and Dying."
Hermione sniffed.
"You know dying is the same as death?"
BOOM!
The Chamber Office Room of Extreme Torture and Violence and Death and Dying was shaken by a lightning bolt, which hit Hermione right on the noggin.
"You see, Ms. Granger, I am in charge of this story, and since you refuse to help me, you must be punished until I feel like letting you out. Now, what is 9 factorial?"
Hermione raised her hand, but nony0mous did not call on her.
"Chamber Office Room of Extreme Torture and Violence and Death and Dying, would you like to answer?"
And the Chamber Office Room of Extreme Torture and Violence and Death and Dying said, "362,880, Mr. Awesome nony0mous Sir."
"Very good, Chamber Office Room of Extreme Torture and Violence and Death and Dying. You may leave now."
Hermione started walking away, only to be whacked in the head with a Whack-A-Mole.
"KARMA!" screamed the Whack-A-Mole.
"Hermione, I said that the Chamber Office Room of Extreme Torture and Violence and Death and Dying could leave, not you."
Hermione looked broken.
"Do you mean that the Chamber Office Room of Extreme Torture and Violence and Death and Dying was here as a punishment?"
nony0mous rolled his eyes.
"Well, of course. This was one of my more nasty punishments. You are really annoying, you know that? But I ain't not letting you out!"
"DOUBLE NEGATIVE!" Hermione shrieked automatically.
"If you wish."
And Hermione was struck on the head with two minus signs.
"Can I go out now?"
nony0mous was howling with laughter.
"Are you serious? No, this is too funny. Hey, Ron! Come look at this!"
Ron looked down with nony0mous.
"Ha! This is why you don't mess with nony0mous!"
nony0mous cleared his throat.
"I will do the talking."
Ron fell down into the space previously occupied with the Chamber Office Room of Extreme Torture and Violence and Death and Dying.
Which was now filled with spiders.
Okay, I've done enough. I'll just let Hermione say something:
"nony0mous does not own Harry Potter! But he is awesome! He is King of Awesome! He could be a football player! Or a king! Or an spaceman! Or football playing king in space... with a mustache! … Now can I get out of this Chamber Office Room of Extreme Torture and Violence and Death and Dying?"
"NO."
You heard her.
Can I go now?
Oh... I forgot to tell you.
Review.
Or feel the wrath of the Chamber Office Room of Extreme Torture and Violence and Death and Dying.