Old Tricks

A Naruto fanfiction by Sir Psycho Sexy

A/N: Written for kerrie13 at Het Challenge on LiveJournal. Naruto/Sakura.

"I'm not touching that! Oh, don't make me touch that!"

Jiraiya was sitting by the bathhouse again, thinking of lines to put into his newest Icha Icha Paradise novel. He thought it would turn his readers' cranks, so to speak, to have a heroine who was reluctant to touch the male anatomy. Girls were so cute like that…

"Hey! Jiraiya-sensei!"

The voice shocked Jiraiya out of his state of pensive complacency. "Naruto! Can't you see I'm doing research here?!? Go practice your summoning jutsu; I'm busy."

"But, sensei…" He stood there and pouted. "I was gonna ask you about something you know way better than summoning jutsu. How do you get a girl to like you?"

Jiraiya grinned from ear to ear. "What does this girl look like?"

"None of your business, you old perv."

"No, that's not what I mean," the Erosennin said, thinly concealing his true perverted nature, but doing it thick enough so that Naruto wouldn't be able to realize he was doing it. "I mean, I need to know what she looks like so that I can give you advice on how to compliment her!"

"I see." Naruto cleared his throat. "Her name's Sakura, and she's really cute and smart. She has pink hair, and always dresses in pink. I think she's starting to like me, but sometimes, I think I annoy her."

Jiraiya's face suddenly contorted into an expression half of joy and half of mischief. "I know just the thing to say to her. If you give her a compliment, it'll drive her wild! Believe me, I know ladies!" He stopped for a second. "I'll whisper the best pick-up line in the world for someone like her in your ear if you'd like."

"Really, Jiraiya-sensei?" Naruto stood as if he were ready to fight.

"Yes."

Then Jiraiya whispered the foolproof pick-up line into Naruto's ear; Naruto nodded his head as if this were a top-secret mission that the whole of Konohagure depended on, and repeated the message in his mind so that he would remember it.

"Thank you so much, sensei!" he said as he ran back into town.

If Naruto knew Sakura like he thought he knew Sakura, she would be at Ino's mother's flower shop, looking for a bouquet for that stuck-up Sasuke. Surely enough, she was there, and Naruto wasted no time in barging through the door.

"Hey, Sakura!" he yelled.

"Oh, hi, Naruto," she said with a curt nod of her head. "What brings you here?"

"Girl in pink!" He pointed his finger accusingly at his teammate as he repeated what Jiraiya had told him to say. "You will be probed at midnight!"

"NARUTO, YOU DUNDERHEAD!" she yelled. "What is that supposed to mean, huh? You sound just like a dirty old man!"

"Umm…it…it wasn't my…idea?" Naruto put his hand behind his head, confused as to why this simple sentence had gotten a bad reaction from Sakura, especially since the Erosennin told him it would attract her to him like flies to honey.

Sakura glared at him. "Then whose was it, then?"

"The Erosennin told me. You know, the pervy old guy who's been training me? He said it'd make me a girl magnet!"

"Oh." Sakura began to feel bad, and realized that her teammate was totally clueless when it came to the opposite sex. "Sorry, Naruto. It's just that…you tried. And I appreciate that."

"REALLY!?!" A big grin covered Naruto's face.

"But next time…be yourself, okay? Frankly, you were starting to scare me. How about we go into town and get some ramen?"

"Okay, it's a date!" Naruto was on cloud nine at that moment, and realized that not only could you not teach an old dog new tricks, you couldn't teach a young dog old tricks either, at least in matters of the heart.

-FIN