Title: The Real Killer
Summary: In which the ninja of Konoha really need to find a hobby.
"Gai-sensei, I think the librarian would appreciate it if you lowered your voice."
Kakashi walked into the library just as Tenten received her reply.
"NONSENSE, TENTEN! WHY, I AM THE PICTURE OF SCHOLARLY YOUTH AND SERENITY," Gai exclaimed, grabbing the elderly librarian about the shoulders and blinding her with a dazzling smile.
Kakashi promptly walked out of the library.
Being a ninja entailed many things:
(a) Extensive medical coverage, including dental;
(b) The need for said coverage;
(c) Boredom.
Of the three, the real killer was boredom. During down-time on missions or days off, ninja of Konoha were usually at a loss for how to spend their free time. Undergoing brutal training from infancy did not lend itself readily to the acquisition of hobbies.
Which was why, in his own masochistic way, Kakashi enjoyed having Gai as his "eternal rival." Sure, eternal may have been taking things a little too far (he couldn't have gone with "'til death do us part" or something less…committed?) and Gai insisted upon CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL, but it was better than settling for Tsunade's weekly strip-poker tournaments, which she invariably lost. Gai was good company. Weird and possibly more than a little unhinged, but good company nonetheless. It didn't hurt that their competitions eased the minutiae of off-duty life.
This was why Kakashi found himself turning around – yet again – in order to enter the maelstrom that his friend was currently creating.
At least Gai had the good sense to set the poor woman down on terra firma before hustling over to clasp Kakashi in a friendly, albeit painful, embrace. Kakashi noted that Neji and Tenten had their hands ready to form signs, just in case.
"KAKASHI, MY MOST VIGOROUS AND EXUBERANT COMRADE," He'd apparently gotten into the thesaurus, "WHAT BRINGS YOU ON THIS FINE DAY TO OUR VILLAGE'S VENERABLE FACILITY?"
"Just, y'know," Kakashi waved a hand noncommittally, "Thought I'd check out the selection."
Gai's face became comically grave as he whispered, "Kakashi, this is a research library. They don't exactly carry your, ah, preferred literature."
Kakashi sidled past the other man and seated himself at the table where Tenten and Neji were currently examining several large tomes, taking what appeared to be painfully detailed notes. "Shame, really. I think they make excellent research material. Much more interesting than," he paused to lift the edge of the book Neji was currently perusing, ignoring the irritated sigh, "Intermediate Theory of Chakra Manipulation: Technique and Execution."
"Yes, well, I thought it would be beneficial to learn a bit of the philosophies involved with jutsu. The academy curriculum is geared more towards application, rather than conceptualization."
"That's partially your fault, anyway," Kakashi noted.
The year Gai entered the Academy was the year they stopped teaching elementary physics to the pre-genin. Apparently, even as a child Gai had made it his life's ambition to fuck with every preconception of natural laws. When he'd taken on Lee as his protégée, the entirety of the Village Hidden in the Leaf banded together to create the In Case of Property Damage Caused by the Green Ones Fund. Speaking of…
"Gai, where's your clone?"
"What?"
"He means Lee, Gai-sensei," Neji muttered.
"Ah, Lee! He is undergoing quadruple training today, since he wasn't able to defeat Neji in the noble art of pen-spinning! He's currently completing a strict regimen of Kripalu Yoga!"
Cue the inspired fist-clench, the unshed tears. Now wait for it…
"Speaking of, My Eternal Rival, we have not had any epic battles of wit and fortitude recently. As the score now stands, you are one victory in the lead, are you not?"
"Hmm? Well, would you look at that? So I am," Kakashi said, leaning back on the spindly hind legs of his chair.
"This is unforgivable! Kakashi, you and I must compete once again in order to determine who is the greater ninja! A fierce showdown will be held at sunset, beneath the Hokage Monument. I must spread the word. Tenten! You're in charge of designing posters. Neji, lend me some ryu for photocopies!"
There. Maito Gai: Boredom-B-Gone.
To be continued…(?)