All Piggy could see through the dark green of the leaves was darkness. Somewhere off in the distance he could hear the crashing of waves, but it sounds far away. It was no good if he couldn't see it, after all. Seeing is believing, right? And his glasses were ruined and he'd seen too many things he doesn't want to believe.
But there are some things he can feel, and he believes those things. He can feel the sweat and dirt of Ralph's skin next to him, his body limp with futile sleep. Ralph is blurry through his mangled glasses, and Piggy finds his heart aching for an optometrist visit. For someone to give him a printed out prescription and some shiny new glasses, polished so that he can see his reflection in them. To be able to see Ralph clearly through them instead of just being able to feel his fear would be enough.
His auntie always told him that he'd find a girl. She always used the word "girlie" and patted him on the head when she talked about it. She said he'd find someone who liked him just for him, because everybody who wants somebody gets somebody. She said it was one of the few ways God gave humanity a treat. Like candy. Try not to covet any girlie, she had told him. Because when God has the right one for you He'll let you know. He had always wondered how you knew.
Piggy let out a soft, wheezy sigh and drew closer to Ralph. Their makeshift shelter was already too close, but he just wanted to know that Ralph was still there because Ralph could get up and slip away and become just a blur in a world out of focus for Piggy.
He had tried, really honestly tried! But not coveting anything was so hard, whether it was candy or love. And he found himself picturing Ralph in his auntie's living room above their tiny shop, sitting on the couch and listening to the radio with Piggy beside him. And they'd sit real close to each other and maybe at the right moment, Ralph would lean down and do that thing that people did when they were in love. Just thinking the word even felt embarrassing.
And worse, Ralph was a man in the eyes of the Bible. Piggy had always hated how the Bible called everyone men and women. Was it not meant for children or did it believe childhood didn't exist? His auntie had solemnly replied that in the eyes of God everyone was the same, and he'd countered that if they were all God's children, why did they grow up so fast?
But Ralph was not a girlie, not a wide-eyed schoolgirl in a checkered skirt. He was a boy. Piggy had always thought that men went with other men were big, ugly grown-ups. That it never happened with boys. Boys were too young to commit a sin that heinous.
But Piggy knew he knew better than that. Now, of course, he knew better than that. And there were worse sins than being with another man. There was murder and savagery and Jack Merridew. But somehow this felt the most terrible. It felt dirty, and the fact that there was nowhere to bathe on the accursed island didn't help one bit.
He let out a soft wail and laid his head down on Ralph's shoulder, feeling gross even for doing that. There was dirt on their faces and dirt on their shoulders and all Piggy wanted was to bathe and eat real food and go to church and sleep. He thought he and Ralph were the only ones on the island who hadn't sinned the way Jack had, but Ralph didn't know that Piggy was the worst sinner of them all.
And he was ugly. His protruding stomach and thin hair and pimples all reminded him how he was ugly and Ralph was beautiful. Perhaps it was his punishment for feeling this way. Maybe God could pick out who liked men and who didn't by who was ugly.
Suddenly Piggy realized he was crying again. Ralph stirred next to him and he wiped his eyes with one hand and stiffened. Ralph's bright, clear eyes were half-lidded and his dry, chapped lips slightly parted. He blinked.
"Piggy?"
"Thought I heard something and it frightened me, y'know?"
"'S probably just an animal. But keep an eye open anyways."
"I will." He hoped Ralph couldn't hear his voice shake.
Ralph's eyes began to drift shut again, but Piggy remained awake, waiting for dawn to come. He found that the darkness stayed for an awful long time.
bReread Lord of the Flies this week and found that I like the idea of Ralph/Piggy much more than I used to. Anyways, Lord of the Flies remains a beautiful book and I tried to at least emulate the beauty of the language /b here.