Thanks to all those who read and reviewed my first Sam and Dylan fic. I hope you like this one too. Set during episode Duty of Care.
"For the most part of our marriage we were miserable, as I'm sure Dr Nicholls would agree, wouldn't you Dr Nicholls?"
Sam Nicholls
Most of the time I ignore the more pointed remarks Dylan makes because I know him well enough to understand what he means, even if he conveys his thoughts harshly. Unfortunately this was not one of those times, because that comment actually burned. Yes our marriage hadn't exactly been the most successful and yes it had ended badly, but we'd been happy before. Or was that just me?
I couldn't answer his question, not without making a scene and embarrassing both of us further. Dylan because he would hate to add any more fuel to the gossip about our marriage and me because I don't think words would be able to form without tears accompanying them. We might be separated but he was still my husband. To be dismissed as a mere technicality had hurt, but for him to publicly state I hadn't been able to make him happy was so much more than that. It showed how badly I had failed.
Dylan Keogh
Even I realised that the others had busied themselves with other things the moment those words had left my mouth. And yes, even I realised that it had probably sounded tougher than I had anticipated, but Sam would know what I meant. Seeing that photograph so unexpectedly had caught me off guard and I'd been hit with a wave of anger at them for dragging my history into their petty games. I do not like being the centre of gossip, nor am I keen on others knowing about my personal life. I prefer to keep my work and private circumstances separate, so choosing to refrain from telling the team Samantha was my wife had been a simple decision to make.
As I held her gaze for the briefest of moments I swear I saw a flash of regret before she looked away. Regret for what I wasn't sure, but I knew she wouldn't stand there for long enough for me to find out. She did what she always did and removed herself from the situation. She walked away from me.
"Sam's a big girl. She won't take any unnecessary risks."
"Actually that's exactly what she'll do."
Sam Nicholls
Today was turning into one big blur, with casualty after casualty and all the disasters that had seemed to hit this little pocket of town in one day. That fireman had been irritating me for hours with his rules and blocking me from doing what I was here to do. Saving lives is my job and sometimes that means putting yourself in a bit of danger, but I've served in warzones and even today Holby was nowhere near that bad. I just wanted all these people to back off and let me do my own thing.
I'd been up for an argument ever since I'd first arrived at the crash site what felt like days ago now, but that anger was beginning to burn away as we all began to work together. Part of me wished it stayed for a while longer, because anger is all-consuming and gives you no time to think. It wasn't the fireman I was angry with and it was Dylan I should be shouting at but every time I came close to doing so I ran out the door and found something crazy to do. Which was why I now found myself treating casualties near a toxic gas leak and wondering if he'd even noticed I wasn't there. Or if he still cared.
Dylan Keogh
I think I had tested every door in the new ED to breaking point today, storming through them in frustration. There seemed to be a never ending catalogue of patients, all of whom had annoyingly easy to diagnose injuries and despite the chaos going on outside all I seemed to be dealing with was resolving problems between families and lovers. I wasn't good at managing this part of the job at the best of times, but I was being hampered by thoughts of Samantha. Every time a paramedic crew returned to the hospital they cited that my "missus" was doing really well out there and then compounded the issue by informing me she was now working near the site of a toxic chemical explosion.
I stormed through another set of doors mainly to get away from Zoe and her constant questions and reassurances about my wife. The fact is no one else would ever understand my marriage because most of the time I'd barely been able to work out what was going on myself. The one thing I knew for sure was that whenever we'd been heading for an argument she would never shout back, instead heading straight for the nearest opportunity for action and danger. Walking off into the night alone, heading out to a dangerous scene, flying to Afghanistan – this reckless behaviour had all been symptomatic of Samantha's inability to deal with the problems we had been having. And every single time she walked out on me I worried about her. This was no exception.
Sam Nicholls
I'd kept it together when we thought it was a gas explosion. I hadn't flinched when we heard it was a chemical spill. And really this was not the moment to start freaking out. The only living souls I could see, apart from the half dead man in my arms, were running like hell in the opposite direction and no one was going to stop to help me. My chest was stinging, my eyes were streaming and I could feel the toxic cloud bearing down on us. I have always prided myself on being pretty tough and this had sustained me through horrors I had seen in the war, but this was different.
I'd thrown myself into everything today, partly because it was my job but mainly to spite the one person in the world whose words could cut me like a knife. The man in my arms was a patient and I felt duty bound to save his life, however for the first time it hit me that this couldn't be at the expense of my own. I stood up and began to run, resolving that my earlier run in with Dylan at the hospital could not be my last. He may not love me anymore, but he needed to know I hadn't been miserable. That he hadn't made me miserable.
"Sweet, brilliant, infuriating"
Dylan Keogh
I walked away from Zoe with only the briefest acknowledgements of her statement that Samantha was safe and I kept walking until I was alone before stopping dead. I hadn't realised how much I had been holding myself in until that moment and it was all I could do not to cry. I am not an emotional person by nature and even Samantha has never seen me break down completely, but if today had gone differently and she had come back on one of those trolleys I think I might just have cracked.
Samantha was as infuriating as she was brilliant, but of all her qualities her sweetness would have been the one I missed the most if she had gone. Sometimes when I was half-asleep in bed I still felt her slip her hand into mine, just like she used to after I'd had a rough day at work. She had this ability to say with one touch what neither of us could have said with a thousand words. I was so glad she was safe.
Sam Nicholls
The last time I'd been in a helicopter I was on the other side of the world but just like then I'd been treating a seriously injured casualty and trying to keep him talking. Admittedly I had expected my now friendly fireman to be still trying to kill me for putting him and his colleagues in danger today rather than engaging me in conversation about my marital status and Dylan, but that was beside the point. I just hoped that if this man's wife really was just like me, she hadn't made him as miserable as I'd made Dylan feel.
Describing Dylan had been the easiest question in the world to answer at that moment, because he was taking up the majority of my thought processes as it was. He was a brilliant man, that much was a certainty and he had done nothing but infuriate me for weeks, but I hadn't anticipated calling him sweet so easily. Despite this the moment that word traipsed off my tongue it felt like the perfect description. In the dead of night after a rough shift, he used to hold my hand as a comfort and he would hold me until I fell asleep. All I wanted right now was for him to hold my hand again. To be safe.
"I wasn't always miserable"
Dylan Keogh
She'd looked surprisingly beautiful when she had walked her patient into the hospital, even given the green suit and the damp untied hair. As I joined her in the staff room though her whole body posture gave off this whiff of sadness that I couldn't shake from my thoughts. I'd never been so relieved to see someone as I had been to see her safe return, but I hadn't known what to say and instead had focused totally on the fireman until Mr Jordan had thrown her off treating him.
I had felt this need to reassure her that I hadn't always been miserable to try and ease her pain and the truth was I hadn't been. That photograph had been of a genuinely happy moment in my life, but one that would forever be tinged with grief at what happened after that. We definitely needed to talk and sort out a meaningful way forward with our situation but given how low she looked, I didn't think this was the right time. I started to reach out my hand to her, but we were rudely interrupted. I just wanted to hold her hand.
Sam Nicholls
From the moment I sat down on the staff room sofa I realised Mr Jordan was right and I had been running on empty, but there was no one there to wrap their arms around me and tell me it would be okay. My only company was my wedding photograph sitting on the table, taunting me as to the life I no longer had. Part of me was wondering how they'd managed to obtain it given neither of us was prone to sharing our lives on social networking sites but mostly I was thinking how that day had been the happiest one of my life. It saddened me that Dylan only had bad memories of our marriage, but also highlighted how alone I felt in that moment.
When he joined me and referenced that he hadn't always felt miserable my spirits raised briefly, like a weight had been lifted. I could tell from the look on his face that he wanted to say something, but he stopped himself and I didn't have the energy left to pursue him. For the tiniest moment I thought I saw his hand flicker, as if he was going to reach out to me, but when we were interrupted and he walked away I realised I must have been mistaken. Dylan stopped reaching out to me a long time ago.
"_"
Dylan Keogh
I watched her sitting with the fireman from the doorway and weighed up whether to interrupt. She looked like the loneliest little girl in the world curled up on that chair, not my fearless Samantha. But she wasn't my anything anymore and all I had done today was make her feel worse and provoke her into behaving even more recklessly than usual. I just wanted to reach out to her and welcome her back to where she belonged, but we were separated now and we couldn't go back.
I listened to the others talk about going to the pub but avoided their invitations by slipping out into the car park. I was going to go home, walk Dervla and then go to bed, before coming back tomorrow for another day in the department. But even I knew that as much as I cared about my dog, the place always felt empty without Samantha. I guess one day I would get used to that.
Sam Nicholls
It was weird sitting by the bedside of someone you barely knew watching them struggle with injuries they were unlikely to recover from. There was nothing else I could do for him except sit there and hope for his condition to improve though. I felt disappointed that his wife hadn't arrived, because even though we were separated too I knew I would run to Dylan in an instant if he was ever hurting or in pain.
I thought Dylan had come to see me earlier but that had been too much to hope for. Part of me had wanted him to run to my side and never leave, but now part of me was actually wishing he would walk away for good. I couldn't divorce him, because I'd be lying if I said I didn't love him anymore, however he could start proceedings against me. All I know is things have to change, because I can't spend my life hoping that he will come back to me when I know now that will never be the case. I have to allow us both to move on.
I have to do the right thing and finally make him happy. Pity that the only way to do that is to let him go.