July 6, 2010
Characters: Chloe O., Jack B.
A/N: Thank you to I EvanStar for suggesting that I continue along with the unrequited love thread. This little plot bunny burst out of my head when I remembered just how heartbroken Chloe looked when she spoke to Jack for the last time. Read and REVIEW...
Disclaimer: I don't own the song "Say Goodbye". Katharine McPhee does. And, as much as I may like to pretend, I don't own 24 either; Howard Gordon and various other producers do.
If I seem distant, baby, I am
Words are like scissors in your hands
I try to distance myself from the pain of this horrible day. Everything that the people I have known and loved have said and done in the past twenty four hours will only serve to hurt me, if I let it. Keeping up a cocoon is the only thing that seems to help me, at least until I can return home to Prescott, curl up into fetal position, and let it all out. That is, if I'm not forced to work yet another triple-shift to find the agent gone rogue.
And there's no script to follow, so I just close my eyes
That way it won't hurt so much when we say goodbye
Nothing about the past day has gone as expected. I never expected him to enter my life again, even though I knew he was living in Manhattan, like me. Hell, our relationship has never gone as expected. How am I even supposed to describe it? He comes to me for help when he needs it, I give him whatever is necessary for him to continue on with his life, and then he leaves.
He always leaves.
And I know he's been on the run before, but in that situation, I could still talk to him, give him whatever he needed, meet up with him if something went wrong. Because he trusted me enough to do it, to bring me into the elite circle, along with the likes of Tony, Michelle, and President Palmer. I was the one who kept contact with him for that year and a half. Even though he was running from the Chinese government, I knew he was safe.
I'd be a complete idiot to think I'm ever going to get that guarantee now.
I feel just like an actress up on the stage
I can't believe what I'm hearing myself say
To everyone around me, the name "Chloe O'Brian" is synonymous with "emotional capacity of a rock", "hypocrite", "protocol breaker". They keep me around because they know that I can do the job well, without anything else getting in the way. Well, guess who's doing that now, Hastings (and Buchanan, and Hayes, and Dessler, and Almeida)?
I know what I have to do. I know what's necessary, what's always been necessary, what he would expect of me in any situation. I barely hear myself say the words, but I know that I'm enunciating loud and clear: "Shut it down."
And the porch light is my spotlight, so I play along with this life
That way it won't hurt so much when we say goodbye
I look at his face for what will probably be the last time. It's sagging, cut up in multiple places, bruised. He looks ten years older than when he stepped into CTU less than twenty four hours ago.
I still love watching him anyway. It's much better than watching Morris drown himself in shots of tequila every night, pushing both me and Preston away.
Not that he's ever felt the same way. I loved Morris, he screwed it up, and I brought him back again…once I realized that I could never have Jack. Jack's never felt the same way either, as a matter of fact.
His eyes are full of turmoil, grief, pain, and suffering. Renee Walker shines through those eyes. And that's when I know that I need to look away, if only to protect myself. Although, what good will that do? Tears are already streaming down my face anyway, too fast and too hard to control.
Did you ever love me? Does it even matter?
Did you even notice the whole world shatter?
It's been a long ride, this has. Maybe too long. A lot of people get hurt from being around him, and for good reason. Not only is he just a dangerous person, he tends to get so wrapped up in his own dramas that he doesn't notice what's happening emotionally to the people he claims he cares about. I've broken down, had friends die, had a difficult marriage with a difficult man… and yet I know that no matter how I've changed, how my desires have changed, he won't, and his won't.
Suddenly, it's all over. The drone finishes counting down the seconds, and Jack is gone. He's gone.
Unbelievable. I always knew the bastard would leave me in controversy.
I just want to hold you till you know, I'm sorry but I just keep it all inside
That way it won't hurt so much when we say goodbye
I'm sure Jack knows what I've felt for him all these years; even though he couldn't see me during our last conversation, I'm sure he knows that I am completely devoted to him.
Then again, if Arlo, who's known the man for a total of twenty three hours, who had never heard of him before today, could figure it out, I'm positive that Jack knew. He's a smart man; I bet he's figured it out.
I'd only tell him outright if I knew something would change. But I'm not just management; I'm an analyst. It's not just a job; it's a way of life. And from that way of life, I know that the odds of a change occurring in my favor would be slim.
They say that the first cut is the deepest. It's not. It's the last that is the deepest, the one that stings so much that you know you'll never feel that way for anyone else.
My heart feels like a circus; it's too much too take in
It's hard to lose love, but you were my best friend
Sitting alone in my office does absolutely nothing for my nerves, even though I've gotten the peace and quiet that everyone in my line of work seems to drool at when it's in their grasp.
All I can hear in my head is the reverberation of what Jack said to me, something that, despite everything, proves I do have some kind of place in his heart: "When you first came to CTU, I never thought it was you that was gonna cover my back all those years…thank you."
He thanked me. He thanked me for everything I've done for him because he knows that I'm never going to be there for him again. After ten years of endless devotion to this man, it's all over. Done with. Finito.
He's gone.
So I walk this high wire alone tonight
That way it won't hurt so much when we say goodbye
I'll wrap things up here tonight, let the night shift take over the search across all channels for Jack Bauer, the federal agent turned mass murderer, wanted by both the Russian government and his own. I'll go home to Morris and Prescott tonight, and I'll pretend that everything's okay. Morris will know that I'm sad, and he'll try to assure me that Jack was a baddie all along. He'll try, in his own way, to convince both of us that this isn't going to be the gunshot to my chest.
And I'll let myself pretend to believe him. For the first few hours, anyway.
But we both know the truth. Arlo and Cole know the truth. I figure Renee knew the truth at one point, too.
I love Jack Bauer with every fiber of my being. I love Jack Bauer. I love Jack. I do.
And he's gone, missing in action, on the run, as far as everyone is concerned. He finally left the last woman he had on his side. He finally left his last friend. He finally left.
He's gone.
That way it won't hurt so much when we say goodbye