Hello, again.
Disclaimer: SM owns. All I do is make up scenarios and smile when I'm done writing them down. I do own a large collection of Bollywood music. If you don't know the language or don't listen to Hindi music, you sure are missing out on some amazing stuff.
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First Click: Burn
For it's the horrors in her heart,
that cause flames in ours.
And she was always willing to burn,
for everything, she has ever loved
Its like an explosion.
Inside my chest, you know? Right there, somewhere near my mediastinum. It feels like someone has punched all the way inside my chest, grabbed my throbbing heart and pulled it out, leaving a bottomless gaping hole, somewhere right in the center. Its an unavoidable ache.
There are times, however, when I'm suddenly happy, thinking that I'm far ahead and I have probably, in this one fleeting second, moved on but then suddenly, one look into those soft brown eyes and I'm are back to the start.
The pain comes back, rushing with this unstoppable force and then begins the process of fooling myself. Its barely about just me, its also about fooling my roommate. I can't make a sad face, I cant not eat lunch, I can't lie on the bathrooms floor without being noticed anymore.
I have to hide, though. I have to. At times, I wonder how it would be if she knew, perhaps she'll open those arms of hers and envelope me in an embrace that would ease away all this pain, but then I dismiss the thought, all at once, imagining the shock or the pain or perhaps the rage that will be apparent in her features once I tell her.
I often contemplate, in hushed monologues, how it would be if love wasn't divided by those invisible but deep boundaries of gender. I wonder how it would be if I could tell Bella how much in love I am, not with Jasper, but with her. I wish it was more than endless lonely nights in bed, imagining her and how she would feel under me or how her lips would taste, perhaps like sugar sprinkled on silk or maybe a dash of chocolate sauce, I wish I could hold her in my arms instead.
But I can't. The mere thought of how much of a shock it would be, not only to Jasper or Bella but also to Edward stops me from giving it a try. He's hopelessly in love with her and its never too hard to notice the reciprocation. She loves him. I can see it, in her eyes, her gestures.
Her love for my brother should make me happy and yes, there are times when I see them, wrapped around each other, smiling and sharing warm glances and those moments do make me feel happy but along with the elation, comes the sting. The deep burning pain, the guilt, the shame, all of them stick to me in ways that make them impossible to be detached. They never leave my side.
All I can do is desperately wait for the lights to be switched off.
And then I let it out. I cry till my eyes dry up, till that sensation to puke is gone. That's what gives me relief. It makes me aware of her. I love her, so much, that I'm okay with the pain I feel cause it.. It makes me feel like she lives in my heart.
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I do wish that in a country like mine, that has incredible people, food, music and culture but associates love with endless taboos, someday such divisions are eliminated. Love knows no boundaries. We fall for a person no matter what their colour, caste, religion or gender is.
Inspired by my brave and openly lesbian friend, Drish.
Let me know your thoughts. I might just write more of this
- Himshikha.