FULL HEART, EMPTY SPACE
(as told by Han)
I remember Jacen begging me to take the two pittinlings we found outside of the food market. They were tiny balls of fluff, babies. Jacen was five at the time, so I greeted his promises to take care of the little ones with skepticism.
But I was wrong about that. Jacen cared for them, and I noticed then just how in tune he was with them. They were frightened, and Jacen soothed them as we drove home in the speeder. When we arrived at home, Jacen held both, talking to them in a voice that was so gentle, it could have lulled me to sleep. He'd always loved trips to the zoo; he'd tell me what each animal was feeling. I brushed it off as the product of his rather vivid imagination. I quickly learned I was a fool to do so.
Jacen had already had a variety of creatures that were anything but cuddly, and I avoided them like a bad case of the Rodian plague. I especially hate snakes. I don't care if they're harmless. I hate 'em. Fortunately, they rarely escaped outside of the kids' bedroom.
I'd never had pets growing up, of course, and wasn't completely comfortable with them, but the pittins changed that. We had to come up with names, and this involved a great deal of intense discussion. Jaina, who watched monster holos with me, suggested Krag and Marsune. (Monster holos unnerved Jacen.) Jacen apparently liked the names, because they stuck.
Now I don't normally do cute and cuddly, but the pittins made it impossible to resist them. Krag especially had taken to me. I'd be lying on the sofa and he'd pop on over, jumping on to my chest, and making himself comfortable by kneading me with the tips of his claws. He and his brother had interesting sets of vocalizations, especially when I'd pet him. I was determined never to talk baby talk to this creature, but they just do it to you.
When Jacen went to Praxium, Krag refused to leave me alone. He started sleeping next to me in Leia's and my bed. Fortunately, he soon gravitated to sleeping on Jarik's bed. Marsune was sad as well, but he got over it pretty quickly. The food still arrived on time, which I suspect was the most important thing on their minds.
Jacen came home early from Praxium that time; he was in a world of hurt, and during that time, Krag sort of deserted me, which bothered me a little. I actually missed the little guy, but it was as if Krag knew he had important work to do, namely, that of healing Jacen. Jacen did end up returning to Praxium to do his training, especially in the Living Force, and then went to veterinary college. Krag decided he'd settle for my company. When he moved out to set up practice, he took both Marsune and Krag. Marsune loved being the office pittin, but Krag didn't take to it. I said that the old boy could come back. By then, Jarik was the only kid left at home, and Leia, Jarik and I doted on him. I'd grumble about Krag to Leia and Jarik, but they busted me. They've got blackmail holos.
Let 'em blackmail me. I'm good with it.
A couple years back, Krag was visibly getting older, and he grew thin. His coat didn't have the luster it once did. But he was happy; he ate, he played, he annoyed me every chance he got. He and I had an agreement; he'd listen to me complain and I'd let him stick me with his pokey claws. It worked.
It was a weekend after a long week of deliveries. I was worn out and flipped on one of the eight hundred sports holochannels. Usually Krag considers this his cue to jump on me, pushing down on all my sensitive spots. But he didn't. He had been sleeping on Jarik's bed, which he does a lot. Finally, during a half time break, I went into the bedroom to check on the old guy. He'd been looking a bit under the weather for a few days, but he looked bad today.
Fortunately, I know a very good vet. I comm'd my eldest son.
"You working?" I asked him.
"No, it's Elon's weekend to cover. What's up?"
"Krag's not looking too good."
"Want me to come over?"
"I could come to your office."
"Maybe that'd be better. I can run some labs. See you soon."
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Jacen's got a nice practice going; the place is busy, even on a weekend. Maybe especially so. Leia and I are fortunate that in this phase of our lives, we have some control over our work time, but that's not the case for most people. I sit down and wait for Jacen.
A few minutes later, Jacen sticks his head out. I'm surprised to see him in his scrubs.
"Dad, we're kinda backed up. I'll get to you soon as I can."
Krag is caged, making sad vocalizations. He's got an interesting vocabulary. Jacen understands it in a way I never will be able to. I take out my datapad, read the smugglers' blogs and comics to pass the time. Most of us on the smugglers on the blogs aren't smuggling anymore. We're far too respectable these days. I read about a reunion at Mos Eisley at Chalmun's that's in a month. Could be fun. I'll have to talk to Leia. She's gone with me twice and had a blast each time. Well, once she got past the smell she did.
I talk to Krag all the while, trying to comfort him. I'm definitely falling short.
Jacen finally comes out. "Dad, let's bring the big guy inside." We walk back to exam and treatment, and I see Marsune at the desk. He comes over and rubs against me. I guess I still have the right smell. The contrast of how he looks and how Krag looks is unpleasantly striking.
"So what's going on, Kraggers?" Jacen softly asks the pittin as he lifts him out. Jacen makes some trilling sounds not unlike the ones Krag makes. Jacen examines him visually, then does a tactile survey. He announces that Krag has dropped in weight from six months ago.
"That's not really suggestive in itself," Jacen tells me. "He's twenty and that's getting up there. Losing some muscle tone's normal. What bothers me is that I can feel some fluid in his abdominal cavity, It's not a lot, but I'm gonna do some ultrasonics. He's got a fever, it's not very high, but could be some kind of infection. I'm gonna draw some blood and see how it's looking." Jacen intersperses his conversation with me by talking to Krag. Krag responds to him. My son's Force sense allows him to communicate with animals at a very deep level. He takes Krag to the back to do the ultrasonics and bloodwork.
I'm feeling very nervous. I don't understand it. It's a pittin, for kriffing's sake.
I realize it's been a very long time since I thought of him as just a pittin.
I hope whatever he's got can be cured with a bacta dunk. Yeah, bacta dunks are horrible, but they tend to take care of a lot of stuff that ails you. And they work on most species for a pretty wide array of problems.
Jacen comes back with Krag a few minutes later, cooing at the pittin.
"So what's going on, buddy?"
Jacen sighs. "It's not good news, Dad."
I feel my heart sink.
Jacen is trying to keep his professional demeanor, but I can tell he's struggling.
"One of the problems that easy travel between worlds means microbes travel, too. This is from Thyferra, and it affects certain classes of non humans. Most warm-blooded species carry it, but it stays dormant all their lives. It's autosomal recessive, so that means that a being needs both copies of the allele. Krag's got both copies."
Krag decides he's had enough and jumps into my lap. "What's the treatment?"
Jacen shakes his head sadly. "There isn't one. Development's taking place, but it's still experimental. A drug was developed but not only did it not extend life, but didn't improve the being's quality of life. We've got theories but no therapies yet."
"How long does he have?" I ask.
Jacen looks even sadder. "Hard to say. Once it reaches this point, as in, symptoms are showing, they tend to be gone in six months or less."
"Anything we can do to keep him comfortable?"
"I'm gonna do a bacta treatment so he doesn't develop any secondary infections, but it's limited in its usefulness. I can put him on anti-inflammatories, but again, it's palliative only." He sits next to me and strokes Krag with me. "Sometimes, though, they surprise us."
"I can take him home," I say, by way of a statement.
"Yeah, take him home. He'll be happier there. I'll give you some anti-inflammatories, and if he seems uncomfortable, give him one every eight hours."
And so the next phase of the voyage began.
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For the next two and a half years, we did everything we could to give Krag a good life. Krag was content, affectionate and playful. He had a dull coat and he had some bad days. But the good days outnumbered the bad ones for a very long time.
Then one night, I was lying on the sofa, watching smashball while Jarik ate a week's worth of groceries at one sitting and Leia was sitting down to work on her story. She's writing an account of her years as Minister of State. She's shown me what she's done so far, and she's an amazing writer. The memoir is factual and verifiable, but it's also human and in places hilarious. She really does have a way with words, and everyone gets to see that. I like that that's all they get to see, and I get everything else.
"Krag! Hey big guy!" I called out to him. "Jarik, you seen the big guy?"
Jarik mumbles something over the cheese and fruit he's busy chowing down on and heads for his room.
About five minutes later, he emerges, carrying what seems to be a very limp Krag against his shoulder.
"He's shaking," Jarik tells me as he gently lays the pitten on my chest. I notice within a minute that Krag is struggling to breathe.
"He hasn't eaten all day," Leia tells me. "I've put out his favorite foods and he won't touch any of them."
"He didn't eat yesterday, either," Jarik points out. "He'd follow me to the kitchen and I'd give him something to eat and he cried and cried. I even tried some traladon stew we had left over." The pittin loves my traladon stew. For him to turn it down is strange.
The big guy tried to get comfortable on me, which has never really been an issue, but he squirmed about, trying to find a place where he was okay with. It was heartbreaking to watch him gasp for breath. I tried to stroke him, but he began crying and trying to move away, as if I was hurting him.
It occurred to me in that moment that that little creature had not just been a good friend. He was family, and I ached for him as anyone with a family member in that kind of pain would.
Just as knowing Chewie had long ago transformed me, so had Krag. Krag was something like a copilot. Always there, always greeting us when we arrived home, the way he'd always join us when we were watching holovision.
Leia took the chair next to the sofa and Jarik set his 1.83 meters self on the floor.
"You're not feeling too good, are ya, big guy?" I ask him. He's still on my chest but he cannot get comfortable still. I rub his soft ears and get a weak trill. This is nothing compared to how he used to respond, not all that long ago.
Leia's eyes are filling with tears. "He's so sick," she says softly. Jarik is crying silently, tears running down his cheeks. I haven't seen him cry since he was very, very small. He wraps his long arms around his mother's legs, and she strokes his hair, which is the color mine used to be. It occurs to me in that moment that he never knew me without grey hair. Not that I had a lot when he was born, but it was there.
I keep my emotions in check, not wanting to upset Krag, since he's on me.
Leia and Jarik cry silently. The only sound in the room is Krag's breathing, which sounds wet and unhealthy. He's a simple creature. Jacen explained to me that pittins either feel good or they feel bad. They have no moral sensibilities with regards to life and death. They do not know that they will die.
And they love without conditions. They'll never yell at you for not taking a shower, for forgetting to pay a bill, for messing up the hyperdrive. They don't care how many wars you have or haven't fought, they don't care about your cooking, they don't care that you made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs.
I think about the the past twenty-two years he's been with us. I remember him first as a handful of fluff, when I rolled my eyes at Jacen providing us with not just one, but two, more animals.
Funny how quickly they work their way into your home, your things, and your heart.
"I should comm Jacen, shouldn't I?" Jarik asks.
"I'll do it," I tell him. I take out my comm and head for Leia's and my bedroom.
Jacen picks up immediately. "Krag's dying," he says, his voice sad. I forget sometimes that I have Force sensitive kids. "I can be there in an hour. Longer if you need it."
"Just come by when you're ready." I feel my voice cracking a little, but I'm not gonna let anyone see me that way. If I need to fall apart, I'll do it privately. Later.
We take turns holding Krag, petting him, whispering to him, letting him know we love him and we'll miss him a lot. We talk about the fun times, the silly stuff, the times he's cracked us up laughing.
A little while later, Jacen lets himself in quietly.
"Can I have some time alone with him? I need it," Jacen says quietly. "I'm gonna go in my old room."
He was the person that brought Krag into our lives, and he will be there when he goes.
It's like an orbit. Orbits around other orbits. They cross for a time, and then move away from each other.
Leia and Jarik and I are quiet when Jacen brings Krag back. He's put an indwelling catheter into one of Krag's legs. Jacen's trying to maintain his clinical distance, and he'll perform the procedure. Later on, he'll weep for the beloved pittin.
"Would one of you like to hold him?" Jacen asks. "You can take all the time you need. Just call me when you're ready." He slips back into his old room.
"Bye, big guy," Jarik says, petting the pittin's ears. "Mom, Dad? I don't think I can watch the rest."
"That's fine, sweetheart," Leia assures him. Jarik shuffles quietly to his room.
"We love you, big boy," Leia tells him.
I take him into my lap. "Gonna miss ya, buddy." After a couple more minutes of pets and farewells, I signal Jacen that it's time.
"First thing we're going to give him is a sedative, so he'll fall asleep," Jacen explains quietly. "He'll still be able to hear you, but he won't feel any pain." With a practiced hand, he injects the pink fluid into the catheter. I can feel Krag relaxing.
"I hope he knows how much we love him," Leia says tearfully.
"He does, Mom. He does," Jacen says softly. He then injects a clear medication. He waits a moment, checks the big guy's heart. "He's gone." At this point, Jacen is about to stop being a clinician and start being a beloved friend. "I'll have him cremated, and we'll have a memorial when his ashes come back."
As gently as he slipped into our lives, he slips out.
I realize that I've learned a great deal from loving an animal. I mostly learned that they ask for so very little and give so much. I will miss the calming trills, the soft fur so pleasant to the touch.
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It's been two months now since we had to let Krag go. These months have been more painful than I'd ever imagined.
We still haven't had the memorial for Krag, because none of us has any ideas on the best way to honor him.
Flying home from a delivery, I swear I see him out in the stars shining. And it hits me: this is his home now. I suggest this to the rest of my family, and they're enthusiastic about it. So one weekend, everyone in the family, Leia, all the kids and their spouses and kids, we take the Falcon to where once was Alderaan. Gently, we release Krag's ashes to the galaxy. There's tears, and laughter and finally, a sense of peace.
I like the idea that I can look up at the stars every night and know he's there.