A/N I have these two one-shots post 4.01. I'll be posting one tonight, one tomorrow. I'm damn certain they're nowhere near upcoming canon lol. I have no plans to make these a story with any kind of ending, happy, sad, or otherwise. I just want to see some understanding from this amazing family, so I wrote it myself.
If that's your kind of thing, too, enjoy!
Understanding
"No! Nick… No, please!" Mariana cried out in her sleep.
"Mariana, wake up, it's just a dream."
Mariana screamed, and Callie shook Mariana gently, forcing her to wake up.
Mariana jerked awake. Her eyes were wild, and her hands went to push Callie away, to defend herself. Callie backed away, not fighting her.
"Mari, it's Callie," Callie soothed, going back to Mariana's side slowly. "You're safe. Nick's gone." She paused. "It's over, Mariana, you're safe."
Mariana was gasping for breath, trying to find reality. Slowly, she found it, but she was still gasping for air. Her body lagged behind her brain's realization that she was okay.
"Take some deep breaths, Mariana," Callie said calmly, squeezing her hands. "Follow mine." She sat beside Mariana, helping her get her bearings. "Breathe."
Mariana did as Callie instructed, following her breaths. Slowly, too slowly, she felt her body calm. "Thanks," Mariana finally said.
Callie nodded, an answer of its own, an of course. After all, they had already been through this routine more than a few times.
"Do you want to try to go back to sleep?" Callie asked, knowing the answer.
Mariana shook her head harshly. Callie went to sit behind Mariana, gently tugging her to lay with her head on Callie's lap. Callie slowly pulled her fingers through Mariana's hair, trying to soothe her.
"Callie, you can go back to sleep. I'll be fine."
Callie responded as if Mariana hadn't spoken at all. "Talk to me?" She asked softly, continuing to pull her fingers through Mariana's hair.
"I close my eyes and he's right there," Mariana said softly in a whisper. "And then I wake up… And I don't understand. I don't understand how one minute, I was kissing a guy I shouldn't have been kissing, and the next minute, I was in danger, my family was in danger, even my school… And I had a gun in my face. It's like, my brain keeps going over and over it, and I can't make it stop." She spoke calmly, but her body shook slightly.
"It wasn't your fault, Mariana." Callie looked right down at Mariana seriously.
Mariana closed her eyes. "I keep doing this, Callie. I keep cheating. Maybe I deserve…"
"No!" Callie was fierce in that moment. "There is nothing you could have done to deserve this. You hear me? Nothing!" She squeezed Mariana's hand for emphasis.
Mariana looked up at her older sister, calmer now and paying closer attention. She could see Callie's eyes glaze over a bit as she said, "For the longest time, I thought that what happened with Liam was my fault, too. I was… I was in a relationship that I chose, I was… teasing him. I was ungrateful for him paying me attention. I was the monster in my own head, not him." Her eyes cleared, and she looked at Mariana again. "I was wrong."
"How? How do you do… life after this? How do you trust yourself again? How do you trust anyone else ever again? Because I can't see it, Callie. I liked this guy, and all along, he had the capability to…" Mariana wept softly.
Callie brushed the tears away. "Time. It'll get better. You'll have things you need to do, like I needed to take of Jude. You'll learn to trust yourself again. I'll be right here until you do."
"And trusting other people?"
Something flickered in Callie's eyes for a half a second, something Mariana was slowly learning to recognize. Maybe, on some level, she always had. Normally, she would stay silent, scared of what it meant. But it was two in the morning, she had just almost had a panic attack, and she wanted the distraction. Talking in the middle of the night made her feel brave, and she could use more of that.
"You're thinking about Brandon." It wasn't a question or an accusation. It was a fact.
Callie's entire body froze, and Mariana sat up, facing her. Getting Callie to talk about this beyond what she and Brandon had physically done was like pulling teeth. Talking to Brandon was a bit of a logistical challenge at the moment. So far, Mariana hadn't had much success with either of them. But maybe the night could make her sister brave, too.
"I'm going to get you some water," Callie stood up hastily and turned for the door, grabbing Mariana's cup on the way.
"Callie!" Mariana shouted in her loudest whisper.
Callie stopped, but didn't turn around.
"He won't come home," Callie spoke, in a broken voice. "He was the one who showed me how to trust again, and because of me, he won't come home. That's how I've repaid him for it." She took a deep breath. She still didn't turn around. "So if you think you've done something unforgivable, then believe me when I tell you I've done worse."
That's the first sentence I've gotten about anything emotional between them since this started. I think we call that progress. "Turn around."
"I can't do that. If you understand… You're really Brandon's adopted sister. Your relationship works the way it's supposed to. You know what it's supposed to look like better than anyone else in this house. And once you understand what our relationship was really like, is really like, you'll know…"
Mariana sighed and went around in front of Callie, facing her. "I do know, Callie, and I still love you both." Callie had tears silently running down her face. "Come on, I really don't want to sleep, but I really do want to talk to you. You've been here for weeks dealing with these nightmares with me. Let me listen to you."
They both went to sit on Callie's bed this time. Callie looked down thoughtfully. "You think it's the bed? Your bed? Where Nick found you? We could switch."
Mariana shook her head. "We could try that, but you're deflecting."
"You could sleep in Brandon's room."
Mariana shook her head again. "He will come home, and besides, I like having you here when… when I have dreams," she admitted.
Mariana paused. All right, I'll start. "Have you?"
"Have I what?"
"Slept in Brandon's room."
Callie's eyes widened, first in surprise, and then her face crumpled a little in what looked like sadness before settling to her normal expression. How many times have I missed that? Also, how does she do that?
"No." Her answer was short, so short that Mariana was sure there was something there, some memory, but she didn't continue with that line of questioning.
"I've talked to Brandon about this a couple times, you know."
"I didn't know."
Mariana nodded, grimacing. "I was pretty mean to him when he told us he kissed you. I was pretty rude every other time we talked about this, too," she admitted.
"He didn't kiss me," Callie spoke hollowly. "I kissed him. I guess he thought that he could protect me by taking the blame. Or he remembers it differently. We kissed each other, and that's the whole truth. Who started it really doesn't matter. It was enough…"
"Enough for what?" Mariana asked, holding her breath, hoping Callie wouldn't close up again.
"Enough to put Jude in danger. Enough to start a relationship. Enough to establish that we were in big huge trouble."
"But you were happy?" Mariana asked. It confused her; they were risking so much back then, how could they also be happy? She knew that Brandon and Callie loved this family, would do anything to protect any member of this family. Putting it at risk… It just didn't make sense.
"Always deliriously happy with him. Always sad we could or would hurt you all." Callie spoke, seeing Mariana's obvious confusion. "The morning… you know… after…" She blushed a little, and while Mariana had been trying not to think about Brandon and Callie having sex, she understood that Callie needed to talk, so she didn't stop her.
"I was out of my mind happy. I could have spent the rest of my life there." Callie smiled a little, then sobered. "But I was still thinking about moms, about how angry and hurt they would be. Brandon could tell, so he asked me if I was okay." She looked at Mariana searchingly, and Mariana got the sense that she was searching for proof that she should finish her thought.
She must have found it, because Mariana's breath was stolen clear away by what she said next. "I said, 'I've got you, don't I?'" It was so telling, this idea that even when Callie was facing moving again, potentially being in the system again, away from Jude again, she could still be happy.
Suddenly, Mariana cannot for the life of her remember the last time her sister looked truly happy.
And her brother…
"You know how much I love Mat."
"You think that just because you love somebody, that it's okay to hurt other people?"
"That's easy for you to say!"
"No… no, it's not easy for me to say!"
"You… You're in love with him."
"Mariana…"
"And he's in love with you…"
"No, Mariana, he's with Cort. Seriously with Cort. Bought a house for her. Living with Cort and raising her child serious with Cort. Remember? We're throwing them a house-warming party for God's sake!"
"Uh huh. And what was your plan when you and Brandon were together? Probably something similar right? Minus the kid?"
Callie looked like a deer in headlights, she also looked unbearably sad, and Mariana knew she was right. "I'm right, aren't I? He's mad at Mom, sure, and Moms are pissed as hell at him, but that's not why he won't come home. He's living out the life with Cort he at one point planned to live with you, and he has no idea how to face reality, come home, and act like your brother. So he won't. That's messed up!"
Callie sighed. "He said… He said, 'How are we supposed to live under the same roof anyway?' I didn't have an answer. I don't have an answer."
Mariana nodded.
"When we made those plans… That was the first time he played Outlaws for me, and the last time it was… for me. We talked about a kitchen table, and we talked about his piano, in a tiny little apartment just for us." It almost sounded like the words were torn from her. It was heart-breaking to listen to. Whatever blinder that kept Mariana from internalizing the idea that her siblings were at one point serious about one another is gone.
"Outlaws was for you… R and J was about you…" Mariana paused. "The other piece is about you, the one he played at Disney Hall."
Callie only nodded.
Mariana shook her head slowly in amazement. All of that evidence was right there. She mentally berated herself for missing the context of Outlaws. Just the title alone should have given them away. "How can we believe it's really over when all it took was one night of believing you two wouldn't be siblings?" Mariana put the question out there. "You slept with him. You… trust him. You know each other better than anyone else."
"We're a family now," Callie said, sounding like she's made the point before. Mariana knows she probably has made that point to their moms several times.
And Mariana understands why Moms accepted it.
Even though Callie never actually answered the question.
But… "You're going to be at each other's weddings? Be the aunt and uncle to each other's kids? He didn't even like being around AJ! You squint every time you see Cort!"
"It'll get easier when we go to college."
"What if it doesn't?"
Callie squeezed her eyes shut. "I. Don't. Know. Mariana, please."
Mariana stopped talking. She hugged Callie, reeling from all of this. "Is there anything I can do?"
"No," Callie whispered. "No, this is my mess."
And Brandon's, Mariana couldn't help but think. And how do we all deal with this when he figures out he's too young to raise someone else's child and comes home? She hugged Callie tighter, daring her moms, the universe, and/or God to take her sister away. She wouldn't allow it. She'd rather constantly risk walking in on her siblings having sex with each other.
The thought almost made her laugh, and she had the fleeting optimistic thought that if she could laugh about this, then maybe the rest of the family could learn to do the same.
Maybe there was hope.