Summary: Excerpts from Angel's journal in the aftermath of the death of the slayer.
Disclaimer: These are not my characters, just borrowing them for a jaunt around the block.
Time Frame: Angel- before Season 2 premiere "Heartthrob"
"Death hath a thousand doors to let out life"
~ Phillip Massinger
In my mind's eye, I see you as you were the first time I laid eyes on you. Unknowing of what
you were, or would be. Before danger, or vampires....or even I, entered into your sphere of
existance. The hope, the shine of you, was so amazing to behold. It's unthinkable that such
a light should be quenched. Unfathomable to me, how it could ever have occurred.
So much has come and gone between us, that that is now ended...well, frankly it staggers me.
I always hoped that someday-if there was a time for it, that we could somehow be together again.
In many times over the last two years, it was my one driving hope. The one thing that kept me
going when things were on all other levels, unbearable.
I hate that I am here and you are gone from this world where you are still so desperately needed.
That I have to live this damnable existance without you in it. I wish I could tell you now, how
much I have loved you and still love you. That each day without you is agony and always has been.
I miss you so much and now I can never tell you.
There have been days, since Willow came- that I have not left my room. Sleeping to find you again.
Reliving our moments together, cursing the time apart. I have become your legacy, holding what was
you, close to me that I never forget. In those moments, I relive making love to you. The taste and
smell of you- the feel of your skin on mine. That time is locked forever in my brain-and I can't
let it go, for fear I will fail to remember somehow what we were to one another.
How am I to get though this, Buffy??? Knowing that your eyes are closed forever on me and the
world?? I feel as if I could tear off my skin with the restlessness, and powerlessness I feel.
Nothing means anything anymore....god, I wish it had been me. I should have been there, fighting
beside you. I should have been the one to die, not you.
Never you.