Toph walked into the Fire Nation palace one day
SPOILER ALERT! Mentions some stuff that happens in the end of the series and whatnot. Weeee!
This is the result of a really cracked-out dream and the discussion with some friends afterward that inspired me to write a parody.
Standard disclaimer: this is all in good fun and not aimed at anyone specific. This is not a direct attack on anyone. Also, there is no need to point out the irony in that the majority of my fanfictions have fan characters in them. I'm well aware.
Don't ask me why Toph is the expert here, I don't know. XD
I swear, I will NEVER write a serious Avatar fanfiction. I have way too many other stories that I should finish...
Enjoy!
Toph walked into the Fire Nation palace one day. "Zuko," she said in a serious tone, "You and I never really had a good field trip together."
Zuko turned in surprise and gave a sigh. "Look, I understand that everyone else in the group got to have some life-changing experience, and maybe you and I didn't really bond as well. But I just became Fire Lord, and I have a lot of political stuff to deal with right now. I'll be more than happy to come and hang out with all of you guys this weekend."
Toph blew her hair from her face, crossing her arms. "You didn't let me finish. I'm not the one upset about it. Someone other people are. And they've decided to fix the situation."
"What do you mean?" Zuko quirked a brow.
"I mean we're in Fanfiction Land," Toph replied gravely.
"What?" Zuko stepped back, "You're sure?"
Toph nodded. "I felt it the minute I woke up this morning. There's no mistaking it."
Zuko's shoulders slumped. "So you mean we really don't have a choice in what happens now?"
"Right. Just go with the flow and we'll do our best to get out of it with our sanity."
Mere moments later, Toph and Zuko found themselves arriving at the North Pole. Zuko's boots sank into the snow as he stepped off the ship. "What the hell?" he asked, "Why are we here?"
"For the same reason you're allowed to say 'what the hell,'" Toph replied flatly, "Fanfiction Land." Her hands moved out in front of her and she took hold of Zuko's arm. "Sending us to a place where there's no earth is no doubt a shameless ploy to get me to cling helplessly to your arm for the remainder of the adventure," she huffed. "This is the worst field trip ever."
"I feel like you've said that last bit before," Zuko muttered.
"I have," Toph grumbled, "Again, it's the effects of this stupid place. Just go with it."
Before them stretched a huge palace made of ice. A girl suddenly called out, "Zuko!" and came running for them. She was pretty, curvy, and was dressed in a strange mish-mash of attire that made it totally impossible to pinpoint what nation she was from. Her hair was blonde and up in a high ponytail with bangs and hair loopies everywhere. She smiled as she pounced Zuko so hard that he nearly fell over. "I'm so glad you came!"
"Uhm… who are you?" Zuko's brow furrowed.
"Don't you remember me?" the girl asked as she stepped back, looking terribly hurt. "I'm Mari, the girl you saw when you were in the magic swamp! I'm so glad I finally found you!"
"Magic swamp?" Zuko echoed.
"Yes! The one where you see a vision of someone who's really important to you, y'know? You saw me there!"
"I've never been to any magic swamp," Zuko snapped, "And even if I did, how do you know that I saw a vision of you?"
"Don't argue with her," Toph advised. "She thinks she's a plot device."
"I'm so glad you came!" Mari repeated herself, not seeming to hear Zuko's questions, "Your sister has taken over the ice castle!"
"Azula?" Zuko blinked sharply, "But didn't she…"
"Yep," Toph interrupted flatly. The both of them sighed deeply.
"I've been working as a spy. She doesn't know I'm friends with you," Mari whispered.
"I didn't know you were friends with me until five seconds ago," Zuko replied.
Again she didn't even seem to hear his comment. "I'm so terribly frightened of Azula and her army of brainwashed geishas!"
"Army of what?" Zuko exclaimed.
"You have to save us, Zuko!" Mari sobbed, suddenly crying her eyes out. "Please, do it for me!"
"Alright, alright! Just stop crying and let go of my leg!"
Before Toph and Zuko even knew what was going on, they were inside the massive ice castle. This would be a good time for a lengthy description of what the inside looked like.
"Wow," Zuko said, "This place is big. And kinda pretty."
"You have to be careful in here," Mari said, "It's made of ice, so any fire-bending will melt it!"
"Wait… How do the fire benders keep the water benders under control if they can't even fire bend in here?"
"Everyone is too scared to fight back," Mari replied.
"So basically, the Water Tribe turned into a bunch of pussies," Toph grinned, trying to make the best of things as she was lead blindly along by Zuko.
"The only way to beat your sister is to go and attack her right now!" Mari said boldly and loudly enough for anyone around them to hear. All of the Fire Nation guards went about their business as if nothing was said.
"Why is that the only way to beat her?" Zuko asked.
"Stop asking her questions," Toph snapped at him, "You're just wasting time!"
"Fine!" Zuko snapped in return, "But how am I supposed to beat her if I can't use any bending?"
"With your swords," Mari replied simply.
"My swords," Zuko's shoulders slumped, "You want for me to go up against Azula with nothing but my swords?"
Toph chirped out, "Stop arguing and go get your ass zapped so we can get out of here."
"Hey, I don't want to get his with lightning!" Zuko snapped back at Toph. "This plan is stupid! It's suicide!"
"No, that's another fic altogether," Toph replied matter-of-factly, "This is probably the fic where you just get severely maimed and then saved at the last minute by shit-for-brains over here and her surprise bending you didn't know she had. That is, if she doesn't throw herself in front of the blast and her death inspires you to totally kick some ass afterwards."
"You've been here way too many times, haven't you?" Zuko asked. Toph just nodded.
"Oh no!" Mari suddenly shrieked, "Here comes the army of brainwashed geishas!"
A great big group of women came through the hallway with trays of tea. The minute they saw Zuko and Toph, they did what the guards had continually failed to do and actually recognized them as the enemy. They quickly started to throw trays of tea and poison hairclips. "Zuko! Run!" Mari screamed.
"Why?" Zuko asked, dodging a tea tray, "They don't look that tough."
"Run, my love!" Mari shouted to him.
"Wait, WHAT?" Zuko shot back.
"This is the narrow escape part," Toph said calmly, "Just do what she says and run. Oh, and you're probably going to have to carry me now because I can't see." She sighed in annoyance, "So this also makes this the 'cute bonding' part."
"I'm really starting to hate this place," Zuko said as he hoisted Toph onto his back.
"Oh, it gets worse, trust me."
Somehow Zuko and Toph managed to escape the evil army of brainwashed geishas. Mari was nowhere to be seen. Just as Zuko breathed a sigh of relief, however, she very suddenly pounced upon him.
"Oh, my Zuko, I was so worried!" she sobbed into his shoulder. Zuko tried to pull her off but found the task impossible. Mari suddenly pulled back, "Why are you carrying Toph piggy-back?" she demanded.
"Because she can't see and she told me to," Zuko replied.
"Oh, hell," Toph said, slapping herself on the forehead.
"Uh huh, sure," Mari said, turning her back on him and crossing her arms. "I can't believe you, Zuko! How could you?" She started sobbing into her hands.
"What did I do?" Zuko demanded to know.
"She's attempting to use me as a jealousy plot twist," Toph informed him. "What a bitch."
"I'm never going to speak with you again!" Mari shouted before running away sobbing.
There was a pause before Zuko thrust a fist in the air triumphantly, "Alright!"
"Don't celebrate yet, lover boy," Toph grumbled, "She'll be back."
"You're sure?"
"Positive. You can't get rid of a fan character that easily."
"Dammit."
Another girl suddenly appeared in front of them. She was shorter than Mari, but otherwise looked rather the same, just with different coloring. "Oh my god, Zuko and Toph! There you are!"
"Here we are!" Toph replied in a mock enthusiastic tone, "Who the hell are you?"
"I'm Mari's best friend. My name is Soo."
"Of course it is," Toph chirped as she gave her the cheesiest grin she could manage.
"Mari just told me the horrible news about you and her breaking up, Zuko," Soo said, looking sad.
"She's not my girlfriend!" Zuko barked, "My girlfriend is Mai, not Mari."
"Oh, but Mai is going out with Hairu," Soo protested.
"She is not!" Zuko snapped back.
"Oh well. Where's Katara?" Soo asked.
"I don't know. Probably off with Aang somewhere," Zuko replied.
As a look of being horrified washed over Soo, Toph hit Zuko on the back of the head. "You just had to say it, didn't you?"
"What did I do now?" Zuko growled in annoyance.
"Oh my god, Katara is with Aang? Alone?" Soo sounded as if the world was coming to an end.
"I don't know. Maybe," Zuko replied cautiously.
"You have to go find them right away!" Soo demanded.
"Why? I thought I was supposed to be… I don't know, beating up geishas or something?" Zuko glanced back at Toph, who was no help at the moment as she just continued to shake her head.
"Forget about that!" Soo replied, "Don't you see what's happening? Your love-life is on the line here!"
"uhm… I thought you thought I was going out with Mari?"
"Forget about Mari! Aang! With Katara! ALONE! Go stop them!"
"Stop them? What in the hell are you talking about, you crazy woman?"
"That stupid 'ho is muscling in on your man!" Soo replied.
Toph snorted with laughter. Zuko just stared at Soo with his mouth gapping open, unsure of what to say as his mind attempted to wrap around such a statement. As the silence dragged on, Toph's snorts of laughter turned into full-on cackles. She patted Zuko on the head, "It's alright, just start walking. Let's find Azula and get out of here."
"But what about Aang?" Soo wailed as Zuko walked past her and shuddered.
"We'll take care of that just as soon as we save the Water Tribe," Toph called back to her, snickering.
"That was deeply disturbing," Zuko said.
"You're tellin' me," Toph giggled, "That's just the tip of the iceberg around here. Keep on your toes if you don't want to land in the sack with someone random."
"Are you serious?"
"Dead serious," Toph replied. "Fighting is just foreplay to these people."
"But… you're all still kids!" Zuko protested.
"Oh, sometimes they age us a bit… sometimes not. You learn to block it out," Toph shrugged. "Stick with me if you wanna leave this place with your sanity intact. Why did you stop walking?"
"Because there's a spiky-haired kid with bulging muscles disproportioned to his body standing in front of me," Zuko told her. "And he looks angry."
"I FOUN U ZUKKO NOW IM GOING TO KICK UR BUT!!1" the boy said. "IM GARI TSU AND IM THE STRONGST BENDAR EVR!!LOL"
Zuko blinked sharply. "Uhm… what did you just say?"
"I SED I FOUN YOU ZUKKO NOW IM GOING TO KICK UR BUT!!1IM GARI TSU AND IM THE STRONGST BENDAR EVR!!LOL"
"Oh, great," Toph grumbled, "It's an invincible fighter kid who's way too cool to use punctuation. Joy."
"DONT MAK FUN OF ME I AM GARI TSU AND I ALLREADY KILLED ANG BECUZ HES A LOZER LOLZ NOW IM GOING TO KILL U ZOKU!!11!!ONE!!"
"Please tell me," Zuko said, "that this isn't the 'foreplay' you were talking about a minute ago."
"Oh, this guy really wants to kill you. Don't worry."
"Good."
"WHY R U IGNORING ME IM GOING 2 KIL U ZUKU!!"
"Why does he keep screaming?" Zuko asked.
"He doesn't know how not to," Toph said, "Invincible fighter guys are just annoying, but they don't usually do any damage. Most of the time they're just talk."
"ILL SHO U IM GOING T KILL U NOW ZOKO WITH MY FIREBENDING!!"
"You can't firebend in here!" Zuko told him urgently, "The whole place is made of ice! If you bend in here, it'll melt!"
"NO IT WONT BECUS IM A REALY GOOD BENDAR NOW IM GOING TO KIL YOU ZUCO!! SUPPER MEGA BENDAR POWERUP !!"
There was a long pause as Zuko stared at the figure of Gari Tsu as he stood in a battle stance and made a long, continuous scream. "What is he doing now?" Zuko asked in annoyance.
"Powering up," Toph replied, "That'll take him a few hours. We can go find Azula now."
Azula sat on an ice throne, surrounded by evil brainwashed geishas who were bowing and dancing all around her.
"This makes her look like such a lesbian," Zuko muttered.
"That's probably the point," Toph retorted. "Just go kick her ass and let's get this fic over with."
"I just realized I've been carrying you on my back this whole time," Zuko said as he set her down.
"Yeah, this place'll do that to ya," Toph replied. "Don't worry about it. We're almost done here."
Azula jumped to her feet upon seeing Zuko and Toph. "You dare to enter the palace of the great and all-powerful Azula? I hate you! You should die! But maybe not, maybe I'll offer you a place beside me instead. Just kill the blind girl and you can join me, Zuzu!"
"She's been infected," Toph warned, "Azula's been here so long, she's completely out of character. This could get dangerous."
"Noooo!" a sudden scream echoed through the chamber. Mari came running up, putting herself between Azula and Zuko and throwing out her arms. "You can't kill him! I love him!" she sobbed.
"Told'ya she'd be back," Toph said.
"How dare you, Mari!" Azula shrieked out, "You betrayed me!"
"Yes, I did! Because I love him!" Mari gushed out.
"Mai did that speech a lot better," Toph commented in spite of the fact that she wasn't actually there to witness Mai's betrayal.
"I'll kill you now!" Azula screamed and hit Mari with a lightning blast. Mari fell to the floor and twitched.
"Did she just zap Mari?" Toph asked.
"Yes," Zuko replied, "She looks kind of… dead."
Toph's fists flew into the air, "WOO!"
"You're next!" Azula shouted, although it was unclear who she meant.
"NO ILL STOP U AZOOLA!!" Gari Tsu suddenly screamed as he charged into the room.
"Damn it, I thought you were powering up!" Toph shouted at him.
"I GOT BORED WITH THAT LOL NOW IM GOING TO KILL AZOOLA BECUZ I WANT TO JOIN ZOKU!! OMG LET ME JOIN U PLZZZZZZZZ !!111!!one IM UR SECRET BROTHER SO LET ME JOIN U NOW OR I WILL KILL U 2!!"
"You have got to be kidding me," Zuko said.
"Oh, so now you bring in all of your friends to help you, huh, Zuzu?" Azula growled.
"They're not my friends!" Zuko snapped back, "They're fan characters! I don't even know them!"
Soo suddenly ran up, "oh my god, Zuko! I so just saw Katara kissing Aang! You have to go stop them!"
"I don't care if Katara is kissing Aang! What is wrong with you? Can't you see we're about to battle my sister?"
"KITRA ISNT KISSING ANG BECUZ I KILLED ANG BECUX HES A LOZER LOLZ AND BEXUZ I KILED HIM I GOT ALL HIS AVATAR POWARS!! DIE AZOOLA!!"
"Zuko, help me! Azula didn't kill me! I'm not dead! I love you!"
"Katara is totally making out with Aang! You have to do something!"
"I'm sick of this place!" Zuko screamed.
"Me, too," Toph said, "This is pretty cracked out. I think I might have a way to get us out of here."
"Really? Then do it!"
Toph put her fingers to her mouth and whistled, "HEY! Your mom just said that dinner is ready!"
Suddenly all of the figures in the room froze in place. Everything was silent.
"What did you do?" Zuko whispered in awe.
"I distracted the writers. Quick, let's escape before they figure out it's a false alarm."
Zuko and Toph disappeared in a puff of dust. As soon as the writers came back, Azula took over Fanfiction Land. OMG, THE END!
Gina Trujillo, 2008