I was smiling, and I probably looked happy. But inside my head...my heart, hell even my soul, I felt miserable. I fetl caustrophobic and a little nausious. My palms were sweaty, and I probably looked like I was going to faint. Or I've seen a ghost. But my brain told me I was justified to feel the way I was feeling. This wasn't going to be an easy situation. And it could go one or two ways. I coud either get yelled at again...called horribe names, and made to feel pathetic. Or it could all be nice things said, but I still didn't have my best friends. I couldn't see it ending any other way.
It's not easy to be in the spot light and made to look like a certain person. Being in a boy band makes people constantly look at you. More specifically girls. The fan bass of boy bands, is girls. Because you put a bunch of hot talented dudes on one stage and it's enough to make any girl go crazy. But for as long as I sat idly by, watching my life on the screen...on the magazines, I finally had enough. i wasn't being true to who I was, and it was killing me. Slowly everyday, I was tortured by the idea of what society wanted from me. And before it made me snap, I came clean. I told everyone close to me, including my best friends, and fellow band mates, that who I was, was a hurt, deprassed gay guy, living the life of a straight one, with a fake smile. To say it didn't end well woudl be an understatement. No one took my coming out as happy as I hoped. And not because i'm friends with a bunch of homophobic bigots. No. I wanted to quit the group and start living my real life. No one took it well. And we ended up screaming at each others faces, not holding anything back. One of my friends called me a horrible name that hurt me more than anything else, but I moved past it. To know that they would rather have me suffer on the stage with them, instead of being happy off it, however, was something I could not move past.
"Top you of Mr. Mitchell?" I looked up at the waitress and smiled big nodding. She quickly filled my blood red wine back up in my glass and turned, heading off to other tables. I sighed out looking donw at my watch, seeing they were already 30 minutes late. If they didn't show up in the next 10 minutes I was going to leave. This wasn't my idea...I didn't want to see any of them again, I hated to think it was some kind of ploy to embarrass me. To make me sit at this resturante by myself, waiting like a lost dog in the rain...I don't think they would do that to me, but who knows.
I picked my wine glass back up and causually sipped it looking ahead at the doors to the place. As I swallowed the amazing wine, my heart started to pick up speed. Walking inside standing tall, saying hello to a few people who reocgnized them, were three men I hadn't seen in 7 years. Two of them looked relatively the same, except for some facial hair. The third was a smidge taller, and a lot buffer than I remembered. I carefully sat my wine down and swallowed hard as they spotted me and started walking towards me. I pushed my chair back, putting my napkin on the table standing. The first person to approach me was Kendall. He had a short, sort of gelled up, dark blonde hair, like normal, with two glistening green eyes staring into my soul. He had on a leather jacket, with a plain white shirt underneath, and black skinny jeans on. He looked the same. Except for the beard and mustach he was sporting. As he appraoched me, I tensed up, not knowing what to expect and he threw me off when he pulled me into a tight hug. I kept my hands down at my sides and looked over his shoulder at the other two. Kendall gave me a squeeze pulling away and I looked up in his eyes. "Good to see you Logan." I still, remianed motionless, and silent as he stepped back and looked at the other two. "Guys..." Carlos moved forward quick and put out a hand to me. I looked down at it before looking him up and down and couldn't help but chuckle. Carlos lowered his hand fast and I took him in. He had some facial hair almost as much as Kendall. He was wearing a black zip up hoodie and a grey shirt underneath, with black skinny jeans on. As he got to the table, he took off his sweater, and like I noticed earlier, he was buff. His arms were huge and his chest and stomach were being hugged tight against his shirt.
As Carlos sat down, I looked to the third and final, former best friend and tensed up seeing him walking up towards the table. But he didnt walk to me. Instead, he went to a chair around the table and sat down, unzipping his black coat. He brushed his shaggy looking hair out of his eyes and sat back looking up at Kendall. I gritted my teeth as I also sat down and put my napkin back on my lap. "Sorry were a little late...we had some trouble finding this place." I nodded picking up my menu, avoiding eye contact with Kendall who finally sat himself down. I glazed over the menu for about the 15ooth time hoping I didn't bust out and cry seeing my best friends...my brothers for the first time in years. Sure, I'd see them on TV, and online, but it was nothing compared to in person. "So...what's good here?" I looked up to Kendall fast who was also looking down at his menu and I shook my head.
"What do you guys want?" Immedietly James chuckled and Carlos threw his menu on the table.
"I told you Kendall. I told you this was a bad idea." I looked to Carlos who looked like he was starting to stand up. Kendall grabbed his arm and pulled him back donw into his seat shaking his head.
"Relax. Cut him some slack. The last time we saw him we were screaming in his face."
"Well it sucks to watch someone you care about throw away thier whole life." I chuckled turning to James who was still looking at his menu. "Kendall offered to buy dinner. That's why i'm here."
"No it's not. He's here because were friends. And he misses you." I sat back grabbing my wine glass just as the waitress came to our table.
"Hey guys! What can I get started for you?" I took a gulp as my wine as Kendall looked up.
"Can we get some breadsticks to start and I'll take an iced tea."
"MGD." I looked to James as he sat up and closed his menu.
"I'll take a glass of that." He pointed to my wine and the waitress smiled and wrote it down, turning. "Go ahead Kendall. Tell him why were here so we can get this over with." Kendall sighed and I turned to him setting my wine glass down. He closed his menu putting it on his plate and turned to me, smiling small.
"I'm getting married." My mouth parted, and a hard breath left. He smirked and pulled his phone out of his pocket. He raised it to me, showing the smiling face of a beautiful girl, with long black hair, and flawless face. He lowered it quick and he cleared his throat. "I came to ask you to be there. But also..." He paused and turned to the other two frowning. "I wanted to apologize. I realize now I can't speak for these two but...everything I said to you 7 years ago...the horrible things I told you, I'm sorry. I wake up everyday wishing, thinking if I could just go back in time and fix this...I would. But I can't and I understand, my punishment is not having you in my life." He turned back to me and I bit my bottom lip to hopefully not cry out loud. "I can't imagine getting married and not having you there. My fiancee, Elizabeth...she is the most amazing person on the planet. And she asked me just a few nights ago what I wanted the most at our wedding. And I told her I wanted my three best friends there, happy and back to normal." I looked over to my left at James who was giving Kendall a sad smile. I looked to Carlos and saw him staring at me. He didn't look as hard anymore. He looked sad...he looked heartbroken. That made me feel alittle better but I still saw the walls up around me. I was still gaurded. "She helped me write that mesage to you. She told me to push my pride aside...to let go of the past and ask on hands and knees if I have to, to get you back in my life. We can't just throw away our 21 year long friendship just because..."
"You called me a faggot?" Kendall went quiet and I stared him down, finding my strength and balls. "You think it's easy for me to just up and forgive you? To mvoe on and let the past stay there?" Kendall looked down, breathing out hard and I chcukled, just so I wouldn't cry. "I could look past you guys hating me cause I wanted to stop Big Time Rush. From what I've seen you've all done very well for yourselves. But what you told me...what James and Carlos told me is not something I can move past. You guys were supposed to be my best friends, my brothers. And you...of all people Kendall you turned into my mortal enemy. You said something so horrific I can't believe I agreed to this. So as happy as I am for you...that you were able to move on, that you weren't blacklisted from every job you tried to get...that you found love and are getting married, I can't just jump back in. And I don't know if I can even go to your wedding. As far as we're concerned you are nothing to me." I took in a deep breath as I raised my wine glass and squeezed my eyes shut hard, finishing off the glass.
"People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones Logan." I lowered my glass fast and turned to James, eyes wide open. He was leanigng forward pointing to Kendall staring me down, sort of squinting at me. "Just remember the reason we got pissed off at you is because you wanted to leave our band after years, and years of hard work and dedication. Not once did you ever come to one of us and tell us you were struggling. How could we have helped you if we didn't know something was wrong?" I sat back looking down at my lap. "If we were your brothers...if we were as close as we all thought we were, you would have told us you were depressed. You would have told us you wanted to do somethign more with your life. But you're right...Kendall is the worst person sitting at this table."
"James you and I both know what Kendall said to him was fucked up." I looked up at Carlos fast wiping my eye hoping no one saw the tear. "Sure...things would have been better if Logan told us earlier but thats no excuse to say those horrible things we said to him." I wanted to lunge forward and throw myself at Carlos and hug him, but stayed sitting. "What the fuck happened to us?" I turned my head slowly to Kendall who was looking at me, teary eyed. I coughed quietly, and smiled at the waitress as she stood between Carlos and Kendall.
"What can I get for you guys tonight?"
We sat in silence as we ate some breadsticks, and drank our seperate drinks. I was on my third glass of wine and starting to feel it, but didnt mention it. I tried to avoid eye contact with all of them, failing miserably. I would catch Kendall staring at me, hoepful that I woudl say something. And occasioanlly I would see James staring at me, but once I looked at him, he looked away. When our food came, it was just another excuse to not talk to each other. I slowly ate my pasta and salad trying to find something to say. But Carlos beat me to it.
"I'm sorry Logan." I glanced up and watched him sit back putting his fork on his plate. His lasagna was almost completly gone but he didn't care. "For the past seven years, the three of us have gone on with our lives like nothing happened. We covered up the pain of pushing you out of lives, with fame and money. But I know...just like Kendall and James know, we aren't happy. You are my little brother Logan. And since the very beggining, until the day we die, I am going to have your back. And if I need to get on hands and knees and beg for your forgiveness and take me back as a friend I will." I quickly scooted my chair back throwing my napkin on the table and felt some tears fall out. "Loges...please don't leave." Carlos also stood up but I had no intention of walking out. Instead, I walked around Kendall and went right to Carlos throwing myself at him. He huffed out and wrapped around me quickly. I put my face in his neck and cried, very quietly. I grabbed two fistfuls of his sweater in the back and closed my eyes shut. One of his hands cupped the back of my neck and held me whiel the other rubbed my back over my thin black tshirt I had on. I don't know why, but I was really emotional hearing Carlos speak. I was when Kendall talked to me, but it was different. When everything went down, Carlos seemed worried about me mentally. He was worried my depression would consume me an I'd off myself. He was still pissed and called me a selfish jackass, but still told me to get help.
"Can we get the check?" I slowly pushed away from Carlos hearing plates clinking together, and Kendall's soft voice. I blushed wiping my face fast and sighed seeing Carlos's shirt. There were wet marks on it from my face and it only made me blush more. He only laughed as he squeezed my shoulder and I turned smiling at him. I went back to my seat, pulling my wallet out and set down three twenties for my meal. I wiped my face again and looked at Kendall who was staring at me and I cleared my throat.
"I'd love to go to your wedding." He sat back, his posture falling and I grabbed my wine glass. "I missed you guys. And the fact that you are getting married first means somebody lost a bet." I forced a smile turning to James who was staring at me. He looked away laughing and also picked up his wine glass, cheeks blushing.
"What bet?" I turned to Carlos who was also smiling and I laughed taking a sip of my wine.
"When we moved to L.A. Logan and I made a bet about who out of all of us would get married first. I put my money on you Carlos and Logan put his money on Kendall." I glanced over to Kendall who was smiling small at me. "I remember he told me the reason was, because your so sweet...and you are a genuine guy who cares with his whole heart."
"I only reflect off the people around me. Logan taught me all that." I snorted sitting back just as our waitress gently set a check book on the table. Before she left Kendall quickly slipped a black card in it and smiled at her handing it back. She smiled just as big and hurried along her way. I sighed raising my three twenties and waved them at Kendall. Kendall frowned shaking his head and sat up stretchign his back. "How long are you in town? Because we have rooms at the hotel down the street...we're here until Wednesday." I shook my head looking down stuffing my money back in my wallet and looked back up.
"I live here now."
"You live in New York?" I turned to James and nodded, smiling.
"I moved here about three years ago. Bought this beautiful condo at the top of the building. I have my own roof section...every New Years eve i have the perfect view of the ball drop. It's been really nice actually." All of them nodded and I stood up. "Which means you guys are not staying in one of these over priced hotels. Stay at my place. We can drink some more, reminecse...maybe you can tell me about your wedding." I pulled my black coat on, watching the other three do the same, all smiling.
"Sounds great Logan. We can't put you out for 5 days though." I snorted and just as I stepped away from the table, the waitress came back and quietly asked Kendall for his signature. He quickly signed away and gave it back to her, zipping up his leather jacket.
"I won't be put out. I know it's been 7 years but we still are brothers. My home is your home."
No one argued with me after that as we walked in the rain to the hotel. I stayed down in the lobby as they went to thier persepective rooms and got all thier stuff. I even sat down and waited patiently as they all checked out, telling the front desk plans had changed. When everything was all said and done I walked them out and Carlos asked if we need to get a cab. I only smiled at him as I walked us across the street and to the beautiful, sleak building right across from thier hotel. It was a high building, with apartments and condos inside it, including mine. I walked us inside and smiled at the front desk, telling him I was going to have three visitors for the week, only getting a smile back. I got us all the way to the elevator and turned to them, all wet, holding thier bags. I looked right at Kendall and smiled small. "So if you're hotel is right next to the Italian place...how'd you get lost? For 30 minutes?" Kendall blushed instantly and turned to James who was smiling.
"I had some concerns about seeing you. These two had to convince me to come." That hurt coming from James but forced a smile. I nodded as I let them get inside the elevator following close behind.
The night started to slip by fast. After getting them set up, and everyone a drink, we sat in my livign room, looking at my old photo albums, laughing at the good times. I was getting drunk but didn't care. I was starting to feel normal again. i had my best friends back and maybe I could finally let go of the past. And the more we talked, and the more they told me about thier seperate lives, my happiness was growing. It wasn't until I noticed James had been quiet, only laughing every now and then. He hadn't mentioned a girlfriend...or anything really. When Kendlal and Carlos decided to go to sleep in my two spare rooms, I followed them to make sure everything was okay and quietly said goodnight. I went back out to the living room, where James was crahsing on the couch and sighed seeing him already fast asleep. I turned off all the lights, locked up my front door and drunkinly made my way to my bedroom. I peeled out of my clothes, leaving just my boxers on, and curled into a ball under my covers yawning loudly. My stomach turned a bit, but I ignored it as I started to fall asleep.
I immedietly started to dream. I was dreaming about someone, I couldn't see who, crawling on my bed towards me. He was queitly telling me he was sorry and that he loved me. I was starteled awake suddenly when I felt someone put a hand on my hip over my blanket. I shot up in bed and turned to see James on his knees, on my bed, in nothing but sweats. I rubbed my eyes reaching for the light and turned it on quick. I looked again and frowned sitting back seeing him staring me down. i was starting to think maybe I wasn't dreaming earlier. Because as James started to speak, his voice sounded just like the one from my dream. "I've missed seeing you Logan." I looked down at my naked torso playing with the blanket on my body. "DId you know I came out about a year after you left?" I snapped my head up fast and he sat back on his feet shaking his head. "I was terrified. I saw...I heard how Kendall felt about you being gay. I knew how upset everyone got with you and thought I'd loose my friends too. But Carlos and Kendall were welcoming, and understanding. Which just made them feel worse about what happened to you." I couldn't help but let my eyes wonder down his half naked form and started to imagine what his abs, and chest felt like to touch. "You look really good Logan." I looked back up to his face, without raising my head and felt my cheeks flush. "And I know I'm pretty tipsy right now, but I notcied it when I first walked into the resturant. You have gotten really, really, fucking hot." I smirked looking away at my huge window looking out at the New York skyline and watched rain hit hard onto the glass. "You gonna say anything?"
"I'm too drunk to think or speak right now." I turned back to him and kicked my blanket off my legs pushing myself up to my knees. "But maybe I don't need to rigth now." I grabbed one arm of his with my hand, while the other cupped his cheek. I pulled him down into me hard, and smashed our lips together. He was quick to put his hands on my body and as we started to make out, and lay down with each other, letting hands wonder, I could only think of one thing.
I was in love with my best friend.