Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 6
EPISODE 5
Airdate: October 22, 2017
"Wade Goes to Junior High"
Special Guest Stars: Larisa Oleynik as Denise
#TYH605
SCENE 1
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Principal's Office
Seattle, Washington
Principal MacGregor is in his chair, simply staring at Wade as there is nothing but awkward silence.
WADE: Sir, did you want to talk with me or should I just leave?
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Sorry, I, uh, was taking a vow of all-night silence. I'm still coming up from it. Anyway, I just had the phone conversation of a lifetime from the Seattle board of education.
WADE: You were taking a vow of silence, but you just had a phone...
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: You don't have to question it. Look, the board of education told me that you have exceeded the academic standards set for fourth grade students, which means you are eligible for acceleration.
WADE: Wait, so I'm skipping a grade?
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Well, you are eligible for it. This is a huge opportunity.
WADE: I don't know, Principal MacGregor. I already skipped the third grade. I don't know if I can do that again.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: I wasn't principal back then. But Wade, you're a gifted student who takes his studies seriously. It's hard to find in kids these days. And with you skipping grades twice, you'll already be on a much higher level than your potential peers in middle school. You could even graduate in the seventh grade if you wanted to.
WADE: I can't believe this. I have to really think about it before I make a decision.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: That's fine. And hey, if it doesn't work out in the sixth grade, there's always a seat for you here at iCarly Elementary.
At that point, Principal MacGregor's phone vibrates.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Oh no. Um, Wade, I have to go into my secret room. I invited a special friend to have a sleepover the other night and they, um...want to sleep over some more.
WADE: I know what this is about. Take care of it.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Great. Um, you could go.
Principal MacGregor slowly walks into his secret room, leaving a confused Wade behind.
WADE: The sixth grade?
SCENE 2
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The guys are all together after school.
WADE: Principal MacGregor wants me to skip a grade.
RK: What wants you to skip what?
BUSTER: But you already skipped a grade. Why would you do it again?
WADE: It's not a foreign concept. Haven't you ever heard of Smart Guy?
BUSTER: Yeah, but it's not like he skipped grades twice. That would just...be gross.
JAYLYNN: Wait a minute. You skipped a grade? When?
WADE: When I passed the second grade. You never noticed I'm only eight years old?
JAYLYNN: No. I thought you just started school early or something.
RK: You're a special kind of dumbass.
JAYLYNN: And you're a special kind of jackass.
SPARKY: Man, two chances to skip a grade in one life. How come Principal MacGregor never offered that to me?
RK: Look, Wade, it's your decision to make, but you can't leave the fourth grade.
WADE: I know that. Which is why I'm not going anywhere.
JAYLYNN: Why not?
WADE: Because I don't want to miss the fifth grade. Becoming a senior, graduating with my friends. That's the stuff you only get once.
SPARKY: I mean, I know Wade works harder than me, but...maybe I just didn't get on MacGregor's good side enough.
JAYLYNN: I'm surprised, Wade. I thought you would be all over wanting to challenge yourself.
WADE: I was, when I was in the second grade. But I have a good thing at iCarly Elementary and I don't feel like losing it.
BUSTER: Then again, you might never get another shot like this. Imagine you filling out your application for Harvard or Stanford. You know, one of those smarty pants schools. You can say, "Hey. I skipped third and fifth grade, bitch." They won't even do a thing to you.
WADE: Yeah, that might work. Until I get passed over for some Swiss musical prodigy that plays ten instruments and performed with the New York Philharmonic at age nine.
SPARKY: I could have always made him some cupcakes. Or donuts. Yeah. You guys think MacGregor is a cupcake guy or a donut guy?
JAYLYNN: Man, if I were you, I would think long-term. You have a chance to leave our school. For good. It's a golden ticket, you can't just give it up.
RK: He definitely can. Wade's mind is already made up.
BUSTER: Maybe Wade's still weighing his options.
WADE: Maybe Wade should make up his own mind before Wade loses his mind. See, I'm talking in the third person. You guys are already driving me insane.
Wade leaves the house at that point.
SPARKY: I guess on some level, Principal MacGregor never liked me.
JAYLYNN: You're an idiot, you know that?
RK: Oh, what did I do this time?
JAYLYNN: You couldn't even think about the possibility of Wade wanting to go to junior high. You were just like, "Nah, Wade, I can't go for that shit, man. Stay at my school and kiss my white ass, B."
RK: Okay, that wasn't even funny. And you heard what he said. He doesn't want to go. He loves us too much.
SPARKY: I wish I had that option.
JAYLYNN: He was just saying that. Wade's a genius, I know he's sick of the fourth grade. If you're really his best friend, you should be encouraging him to be the best, not making sure he's stuck in the same place.
BUSTER: We've all been stuck in the same place for years.
RK: I don't know, Jaylynn. You're looking for something that's not there. If Wade really wanted to skip a grade, he would say so.
JAYLYNN: All I'm saying is, he might just be sparing your feelings. You need to know where he stands.
SPARKY: I'm thinking about dropping out of school. It's not worth it.
BUSTER: Sparky, why are you talking to yourself again?
SPARKY: I don't know, man, I'm just mad at myself.
SCENE 3
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
KG is watching TV that night when RK walks up to him.
RK: Bro, I need some real advice.
KG: Wait, what? You're actually coming to me for brotherly insight?
RK: Please don't say it like that. But yeah.
KG: Well, what's the problem?
RK sits on the couch with KG.
RK: Principal MacGregor told Wade he has the chance to skip the fourth grade and go straight to junior high.
KG: Didn't he already skip a grade?
RK: Yeah, we established that. Anyway, he said he didn't want to skip, but I'm starting to think that he was lying. He probably just said that because he knows I'll get upset if he leaves.
KG: You know, not everything is about you.
RK: Hey, tell Jaylynn that. She's the one who wants him to skip more than anyone. She probably thinks without Wade, the group will be less smart and she can move up the success ladder. Well, I see right through that yahoo's game.
KG: Do you want Wade to go to middle school?
RK: No. But that's only because he's my best friend. If he moves on, that means he'll meet new people. Then I'll become yesterday's news and get tossed in the trash like a smelly cup from Dunkin' Donuts.
KG: You should tell him that. If you're not honest with him, then he won't be honest with you and neither of you will be happy.
RK: Damn, that's deep. Okay, I'll talk to him about it tomorrow. You know, I'm surprised you didn't have some bizarre anecdote from the past that related to my situation.
KG: Yeah, I don't have any stories for that. But if you ever want to skip school...
RK: Yeah, yeah, playing hooky is a sin and you'll go to hell. Thanks for the advice, I'm going to bed.
A bored RK jumps off the couch and then walks up the stairs.
KG: But it's only 8:42!
SCENE 4
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Wade is at his locker the next day and RK walks up to him.
RK: Wade, my boy. We need to talk.
WADE: Yeah, I hear ya. I'm starting to reconsider the whole skipping a grade thing.
RK: *voiceover* Oh, shit. Next stop, the garbage can! *aloud* So, you're reconsidering, yes?
WADE: Yeah. Look, I know we're best friends. And no matter what, we're going to stay best friends. But my education is very important to me and I feel like if I don't take this shot, I'll always be kicking myself over what could have been.
RK: I totally understand. You have to get what you need to get before it gets away. And if it gets away, then you really have nothing to get, you know what I'm getting at?
WADE: Yeah. Yeah, I get it.
RK: To be honest, Wade, I'll miss you around here, but it's not like anything has to change.
WADE: Of course not.
RK: So what middle school are you going to?
WADE: Oh, I haven't decided yet. I've had my heart set on Frederick Douglass, but I think I should ease my way into my new environment. For all I know, I could go to a really tough school and be back here after a week.
RK: Well, you could always go to KG's school. He'll help you fit in quicker.
WADE: That's actually not a bad idea. A built-in support system. You know, I should go see McGregor and get things set up.
RK: Oh yeah, sure. By the way, do you know why he was screaming in his office this morning?
WADE: I don't feel like being disturbed by his personal life.
SCENE 5
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
The kids are all eating lunch together without Wade.
RK: Well, guys, it's official. Next Tuesday morning at precisely 7:56 A.M. Pacific Standard Time, Wade will no longer be a part of iCarly Elementary.
BUSTER: Seriously?
RK: No, I don't know when he's leaving. I just wanted it to sound sad. But yeah, he's leaving.
SPARKY: Man, it's going to really suck without Wade here.
BUSTER: No kidding. He's the only person I know that can help me with my homework and not even get pissed off when I forget the answers he gave me.
JAYLYNN: You know, with Wade gone, that means we'll no longer have a brain. This is huge, we have to find someone to take his place.
RK: *voiveover* Who, like you? Pffft, keep dreaming, sister. *aloud* Yes, I agree with Jaylynn on the thing she just said.
SPARKY: We're not replacing Wade. No one can take his spot in the group. You think Metallica got a new bass player after Cliff Burton died?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, they did. And when that guy left, they replaced him too.
SPARKY: Okay, not my best analogy. The point is, Wade's not going anywhere. Him being in the sixth grade will have no effect on TSE or his place in it.
Halley walks up to Sparky.
HALLEY: Sparky, I just heard the news. Is Wade really skipping a grade?
SPARKY: How did you find out?
HALLEY: Buster texted me about it.
BUSTER: I thought you said you were going to keep it on the down low.
HALLEY: I am. For now.
SPARKY: Buster...
BUSTER: Hey, she was going to find out anyway. Better she hear it from me than the janitor or that one teacher that makes her sick.
RK: But why does it matter? It's not like her and Wade were buddy-buddy anyway.
JAYLYNN: It's true. Come to think of it, I can't remember one time you guys even talked to each other.
SPARKY: Yeah, it's almost like there's this strange force that's kept you from Wade all this time.
HALLEY: Okay, so I haven't had tea parties and movie trips with the guy. But this is still big. What's gonna happen to your little group now that he's leaving?
Beat.
SPARKY: Okay, I guess in some ways, we could consider finding a new Wade.
SCENE 6
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Some time later, Wade is ready for his first day of junior high. All of the members of TSE are on hand for the event.
WADE: This is kinda sweet, guys, but you don't have to make a big deal out of it.
SPARKY: Are you kidding? You're eight years old going to the sixth grade. We would be disgusting if we didn't give you a farewell.
WADE: A farewell? You people do realize I'll still hang out with you after school and on the weekends, right?
BUSTER: Wade, you don't have to feel the need to make promises. We're children. We're smart. We can handle pain.
WADE: Sure.
RK: This is great. My best friend is about to be in the big leagues. Swinging for the fences, trading in his Triple-A uniform for Yankee pinstripes. Playing on ESPN in front of a sellout...
WADE: I get the baseball metaphors!
Beat.
RK: ...crowd on Sunday night. I'm done.
WADE: Now, if you guys will excuse me, I have to get to my car so I can start my junior high career.
JAYLYNN: What school are you going to?
WADE: Well, I decided to take RK's advice and go to KG's school. It'll be like I already have a friend there.
SPARKY: You think he'll want you at his school? You know how teens are with their status and shit.
WADE: Hey, I'm his brother's best friend. If he doesn't acknowledge me, I'll make sure that he will.
Wade walks out of the house with his backpack, gets in his car, and starts it up while waving to the guys outside.
BUSTER: See you later.
JAYLYNN: Make good choices!
RK: If someone offers you punch, don't drink it! They're trying to seduce you!
Wade begins driving away while continuing his waving.
SPARKY: And make sure everybody knows what Wade Saltalamacchia's all about! REPRESENT TSE!
BUSTER: Do you think he heard anything we said?
RK: Honestly, no. I think he just saw us shouting nonsense and waved to be polite.
JAYLYNN: Well, now that that's over, I guess it's time to move on to life after Wade.
SPARKY: Will you stop saying that? Wade being in junior high is not going to change our group. We just need someone we can hang with for the day that reminds us of Wade.
JAYLYNN: Don't worry, I know just the person. All I have to do is make a call.
SCENE 7
Craig Bartlett Junior High School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Wade walks into the school and is immediately overwhelmed by the size of the school as he sees students much taller than him storm through the halls.
WADE: Wow. This really is the big leagues.
Wade walks further down the hallway, looks at his locker number on a piece of paper, and then locates it. He starts putting it in his new combination lock when he hears chatter behind him.
KG: Yeah, I never got that either. Hey Trevor, do you still have my math notebook?
TREVOR: Sure do.
Trevor takes out a notebook and gives it to KG.
TREVOR: Here you go, buddy.
KG takes a look at the book that Trevor gives him, which has Trevor's name and the word "Bath" in the subject line, along with a picture of Trevor in the mirror with a towel and a shower cap.
KG: Trevor, why the hell am I looking at a picture of you in the bathroom?
TREVOR: Hey, you're not supposed to see that.
Trevor quickly swipes the notebook away from KG and puts it back in his bag.
TREVOR: But since the secret's out, I might as well give you the gist. See, what I do is record every bath and shower I take, from start time to end time. It's my personal project.
RODNEY: Why would you want to do such a stupid-ass personal project like that?
TREVOR: My therapist said I lacked focus. So what better thing to focus on in my life than bath time?
KG: Could I just have my math book back, please?
TREVOR: Sorry, that's at home. But you can have my rice pudding at lunch for 25 cents.
KG: Damn these people.
WADE: Hey KG. What's up?
KG turns around in shock at hearing Wade's voice.
KG: Whoa! Who are you? What are you doing here, following me? I've never seen this kid before in my life.
DENISE: Yes, you have. That's RK's best friend Wade, remember?
KG: I invite you to my house way too much. Wade, what are you doing here?
WADE: I'm taking sixth grade classes here for academic nourishment. What's the problem?
KG: I thought you were going to another middle school. You know, with other geniuses and scientists and people who belong on Silicon Valley. Not my school!
RODNEY: Hey, lay off the kid, man. So Wade, you transferred or something?
WADE: Yeah. I skipped the fifth grade to come here from my old school. I also skipped the third grade two years ago.
TREVOR: Damn, so you're like, the black Allison Taylor then.
DENISE: Trevor, you don't have to define him by his race.
WADE: It's okay, Denise. I'm going to be black until the day I die. I don't have a problem with that. But I would prefer being called the modern-day T.J. Henderson or something in that realm.
Beat.
WADE: T.J. Henderson. You know, the lead character from Smart Guy?
Beat.
WADE: The super genius? He skipped several grades to go to high school? It was on for like, three seasons.
KG pulls Wade aside at that point.
KG: Yeah, they don't really watch shows like that. They won't get the reference. But Wade, we have to come to an understanding.
WADE: Look, those Smart Guy reruns were very inspirational to me. I always wanted to be like T.J. You know, minus the crappy haircut.
KG: That's not what I meant! Look, Wade, I know you're here in junior high and you're really feeling this shit like it's amazing. But this is my happy place. And you can't be in it.
WADE: So the plan here is you ignore me and in turn, I ignore you?
KG: Yeah. You picked up on it that fast?
WADE: I know when people are being practical, KG. Look, I'm here for my academics and nothing else. If you don't want your image to be shattered, that's cool with me.
KG: Wow. You know, that's really mature, Wade. That's why you're the smart guy of your group.
WADE: You're patronizing me in ways you probably don't even understand. Stop it.
SCENE 8
Craig Bartlett Junior High School
Interior Social Studies Classroom
Seattle, Washington
Wade is in the middle of the classroom smiling as he looks at the whiteboard.
TEACHER: Alright, so yesterday, we talked about Mesopotamia. What can anyone recall from that lesson?
There is an awkward silence as no one elects to raise their hands or say anything.
TEACHER: Come on, guys, we just talked about this yesterday. It's going to be on your test in two weeks.
Wade raises his hand at that point.
TEACHER: Well, this is interesting. The new kid, Wade. You know anything about Mesopotamia?
WADE: Yes, sir. Mesopotamia was an ancient region situated between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers. Many civilizations started there and had innovations that influence our daily lives today, like the invention of writing, the wheel, and the belief in women's rights.
TEACHER: Excellent. Maybe you can lead the discussion on Mesopotamia today since your peers don't share your enthusiasm.
WADE: Wow, my first day and I'm already a marked man. That...that is why I signed up for this.
SCENE 9
Craig Bartlett Junior High School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Wade whistles as he walks down the hall when a teacher carrying a stack of books ends up falling on a bottle.
WADE: Oh no!
Wade runs to the teacher to help him get up.
WADE: Are you okay, sir?
TEACHER #2: Yeah, I think so. It's like the custodian doesn't clean up the halls anymore. You think if I report this to the principal, I could get paid leave?
WADE: It's my first day, I wouldn't know. Wade picks up one of the books. Hey, is this To Kill a Mockingbird? I love this book.
TEACHER #2: Really? You look six. Shouldn't you still be reading Cat in the Hat or Curious George?
WADE: Okay, first off, Dr. Seuss was a hack and Curious George had subtlety. And second, just because I'm young, doesn't mean I can't understand anything that Harper Lee wrote.
TEACHER #2: Okay, hotshot, you have some time to impress me. What does To Kill a Mockingbird mean to you?
WADE: To Kill a Mockingbird is an excellent commentary on the battle between good and evil. As much as we want to believe people are one way or the other way, there will always be a grey area because morality has many underlying complexities. As the book goes on, you realize that the older you get, the more you have to incorporate society's ills into your everyday life. And there's nothing wrong with that.
TEACHER #2: Wow. I was half-expecting you to come up with some crap about killing real mockingbirds, but that was amazing. How are you in the sixth grade? Do you have the same thing Emmanuel Lewis had?
WADE: Isn't he still alive?
TEACHER #2: I don't know.
WADE: I actually accelerated from the fourth grade, sir.
TEACHER #2: Really? That's fantastic. You know, I think you could make a great piece for the school paper.
WADE: A great piece? What do you mean?
TEACHER #2: Well, between you and me, I hate the paper here. No one wants to know dumb shit like what Alessia Cara's favorite food is, or the debate team's undefeated streak. But you? You would be one of the best article subjects our school ever had.
WADE: Wow, really? I mean, I'm flattered but...
TEACHER #2: Come on, kid. Give our school something to be proud of.
WADE: Okay. Set it up.
TEACHER #2: Great. I'll let you know the details tomorrow. What's your name?
WADE: Wade Saltalamacchia.
TEACHER #2: Mr. Andrews. I'll keep an eye out for you.
Mr. Andrews walks away with the stack of books while Wade has a big smile on his face.
WADE: This has been a first day for the ages. But I wonder about the piece for...
Wade notices he stepped on something. The opening fanfare of "Also sprach Zarathustra" by Richard Strauss begins playing in the background as Wade crouches down with surprise, and slowly picks up what is revealed to be a ten dollar bill.
WADE: I can't even remember the last time I found money. It's official. This is the best first day of school ever.
SCENE 10
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
The members of TSE, alongside Ashley, walk towards the entrance and stop.
ASHLEY: What's wrong, guys?
SPARKY: Oh. This is normally the part where we go to our lockers and just talk about random events.
BUSTER: And your locker's on the other side of the school so...you know.
ASHLEY: Oh, I get it, I'm not wanted. That's okay. I'll talk to you guys later. It was nice to hang out with you today.
Ashley begins walking away from the guys.
RK: Trust me, we feel the same way. It was a real treat, Ashley. *chuckles* She's never taking Wade's place. Ever.
JAYLYNN: Ugh, you guys were making it uncomfortable. You were so stiff around her, she barely even knew what to say half the time.
SPARKY: Because Ashley's stiff. I felt like I was going to trip over my words and say something awful.
BUSTER: Yeah, Ashley's really cute, but I don't know about her being in the group.
RK: She's not going to be in the group. This was a train wreck.
JAYLYNN: Didn't you used to have a really big crush on Ashley?
RK: Yeah. And I used to have a crush on Buster too. Life goes on.
JAYLYNN: You guys just need to give it more of a shot. Ashley's smart, she works hard, she's a good dresser. Plus, she's not white so it's not like things are that different from Wade.
SPARKY: She does have a point.
RK: Yeah, without Wade, our group is whiter than the Republican National Convention.
JAYLYNN: I mean, I'm only half-white, so...
RK: You opened the can of worms, Jaylynn. You know it's not the same.
BUSTER: Wait a minute, guys. Ashley's not white?
SPARKY: No.
JAYLYNN: She was born in the Dominican Republic, she has Dominican parents, and her first language is Spanish.
BUSTER: Are you serious? This whole time, I thought she was Italian or something.
RK: How could that work when her last name is Rodriguez?
BUSTER: I don't know, you tell me. Oh, this day's just going from bad to worse.
SCENE 11
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The kids look disappointed as they watch TV.
BUSTER: I wonder what's on today.
RK: Who cares what's on? I just want Wade to sit here in his couch spot like he always does.
SPARKY: Wait a minute. RK Jennings doesn't care about watching TV? Man, we're really on the highway to hell.
JAYLYNN: Hey, Wade may not always be around, but there's no reason why we can't have fun without him. RK, throw in some TV reference or fact or something.
RK: Are you kidding me? You're completely disregarding my process for talking about TV and making references. It's not a cliché or a joke you can just throw in on cue. It's more than that!
JAYLYNN: So you're not going to do it?
RK: No. I'm a person, Jaylynn, not a puppet.
BUSTER: I could always say something stupid on cue.
RK: Why? Why do we have to do certain things just because they're expected of us?
BUSTER: I just want to break up the tension.
Wade walks in at that point.
WADE: Hey guys.
SPARKY/BUSTER/RK/JAYLYNN: WADE!
The kids rush to Wade and begin hugging him, while also using indecipherable dialogue.
BUSTER: Gibberish and junk.
SPARKY: So what brings you to my place, Wade?
WADE: You're my friends, and this is where we usually meet?
RK: This is where we usually meet!
RK cackles at Wade's comment, and begins pounding his fist on the floor.
WADE: That wasn't even a joke.
RK: No, but that's the kind of dry, observational humor I love from you. Man, you don't waste a second when it comes to comedy, Wade. Hoo, boy.
JAYLYNN: Dial it back. By, like, a million notches.
BUSTER: So Wade, is middle school better than elementary school?
WADE: Oh, I can't answer that.
BUSTER: Why, you think you're better than us now?
WADE: No, it's only been a day. But it was the best first day of school I've ever had.
Beat.
BUSTER: So you do think you're better than us?
SPARKY: What made it the best first day?
WADE: Oh, it was everything. The lockers and the bathrooms are so damn clean, first of all. I couldn't even believe what I was looking at. I'm already ahead of my social studies class thanks to prior knowledge, and one of the teachers is going to pull some strings for me to be interviewed by the school paper!
JAYLYNN: That's amazing. Look at you, already making a good impression.
BUSTER: Yeah, you and your upper-class fancy boy school for preppies.
RK: So did you see KG?
WADE: Yeah, I did. But we decided not to speak to each other.
RK: Why?
WADE: Well, it was his idea. He needs to preserve his status and it's not like we're that close anyway so it's no big loss.
RK: Yeah, but that's not right. KG's never been on that cool kid bullshit. I'm going to straighten him out when I get home. Take the belt off, yeah, that will show him.
SPARKY: You should take a load off here, Wade. Watch some TV with us.
WADE: Oh, no, I can't. I have to get a head start on my homework. I feel a buzz right now and I can't let it go. It's like when Bitch Clock feels a buzz right before he pukes in the toilet.
Wade runs out of the house.
JAYLYNN: Okay, that was weird.
BUSTER: It makes me sick how quickly life can change.
SPARKY: You guys are exaggerating. Wade's been getting a head start on his homework for years.
JAYLYNN: I don't know, this was different. He usually doesn't announce it, he just does it.
BUSTER: Yeah. Almost like he's hiding something.
SPARKY: Okay, you guys are really starting to overanalyze our group dynamic. Look, Wade's not changing. If anything, we're changing by being so worried that things are changing.
RK: So what's the plan, chief?
SPARKY: Tomorrow, we're just going to have lunch by ourselves. No one else. And if things seem off, then maybe we can possibly consider adding someone else to the group. But they're only going to hang with us at school.
JAYLYNN: Seems fair enough.
BUSTER: Could I be the new Wade if we don't find one?
RK: Why?
BUSTER: I want to show people what I'm made of. If I use a lot of big words and start watching more PBS, I might be able to pull it off.
SCENE 12
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
KG is watching TV that night when he gets a phone call.
KG: Hello?
STRANGER: Yeah, Dad, are you bringing the chicken nuggets or not?
KG: What? Dude, I'm not your dad.
STRANGER: But my mom said you were!
KG hangs up at that point, and when he looks to his left, RK is there.
KG: GAH!
RK: You're really something else, you know that?
KG: Something else? I...have no idea if this is good or bad.
RK: Wade said you didn't want him around you today. I mean, for God's sake, KG, couldn't you have at least showed him where the water fountain is?
KG: Hey, he didn't have a problem with that. Besides, it's junior high. A lot of people like to sleep on it, but if you don't establish yourself there, you're going to be a complete bum in high school.
RK: How does that even make sense? No one's going to know who you are!
KG: Yeah, but you'll know. And if you don't carry yourself like the man, you won't get treated like the man.
RK: KG, would you consider yourself the man in your school?
KG: Absolutely not.
RK: Then, top five?
KG: Eh, that's still too much.
RK: Top ten?
KG: I don't overrate myself that much, geez.
RK: Then what the hell are you?!
KG: It's not important. Look, Wade has his thing and I have mine. I'm trying to move up in the world, and hanging around an eight-year-old isn't what's hot right now.
KG walks into the kitchen.
RK: Yeah, well, not listening to your brother doesn't pay the bills either! Damn, that was terrible. Even worse than not being able to think of a good segue.
RK looks around the room with his hands in his pockets, shrugs, and then goes upstairs without saying another word.
SCENE 13
Craig Bartlett Junior High School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
Wade is in the lunch line moving his tray forward when he gets tapped by someone behind him. He quickly turns around.
LESTER: Hey, um, you're Wade, right? The really smart kid that used to be in fourth grade?
WADE: Yeah, what's up?
LESTER: Well, I just wanted to say that I've seen how hard you've been working, and...I guess I'm just proud of you.
WADE: I don't even know you.
LESTER: Yeah, I don't really know how to start conversations. I'm Lester. I'm in your history class.
WADE: Yeah. You're the one that doesn't show up.
LESTER: Great, you've been here two days and you already know that. It's not that I hate school, but it's hard, man. The teachers, the environment. I didn't know this is what the sixth grade would be like and it feels like everyone's out to get me.
WADE: That's terrible. Anxiety and education have never mixed, ever.
LESTER: Which is why I need you to help me get through social studies.
WADE: I'm not doing your homework for you, forget it.
LESTER: No, I just need you to tutor me. Help me know about ancient civilizations and other shit. I just want to make sure I do my homework on time.
WADE: Yeah. I could help you out.
LESTER: Alright, thanks, man.
Beat.
LESTER: Are you eating that big cookie?
WADE: Don't push it.
LESTER: Sorry.
Cut to KG watching Lester and Wade's conversation and shrugging.
KG: So Rodney, are we studying tomorrow or what?
RODNEY: Sorry, man, I gotta cancel. I'm paying Wade ten bucks to help me cram for the math test next week.
KG: Yeah, I know the test we're studying for, but you're bailing on me? Studying is a lot more fun with more than one person. Otherwise, you're just crying into your book until you fall asleep.
RODNEY: But Wade offered to help me out. He saw that I was down and he picked me right up.
KG: You've known him for less than two days. How the hell could you have arranged a study date with him?
RODNEY: Through Facebook. Damn, man, get with the times.
TREVOR: Hey, have you guys ever heard of this site called Stormfront? It seems like it's empowering white people to be proud of themselves.
KG: Whatever you do, never go on that site again and delete it from your history.
DENISE: Yeah, man, what the hell?
TREVOR: I'm sorry. I just wanted more self-esteem.
SCENE 14
Craig Bartlett Junior High School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
KG walks out of one of his classes and sees Wade laughing with Denise.
KG: No freaking way.
WADE: Yeah, the guy was like, "Who you be?" And I'm just like, "What does that even mean?"
DENISE: Yeah, I'm the worst at using slang. Hey, a bunch of us are going to see a movie next week. You wanna come?
WADE: Sure. But don't you think I'll be out of place there?
DENISE: Oh, of course not. We all love you already.
WADE: Well, I can't say no to that. I'd love to go.
DENISE: Great. I'll let you know the rest later today. See you.
WADE: See you.
Denise walks away from Wade and KG sighs in disappointment.
KG: I need to fix this.
KG walks up to Wade.
KG: Hey Wade. Buddy. You're the big man on campus now, huh? I mean, that's really something. Two days in and you're already the number one man? I'm impressed.
WADE: Could you please get to the point?
KG: Look, I see you're handing out study sessions like candy so I want to hop on the gravy train. There's a math test next week and I need your help.
WADE: Yeah, a lot of people need help for that. But I can't do anything for you.
KG: Why not? You're the smartest person I know.
WADE: Yeah, but you remember, right? This is your happy place and I can't be in it.
KG: Please, that was months ago.
WADE: You said that to me yesterday...verbatim.
KG: I was drunk. Come on, man, this test is one of the biggest ones of the year so far. I can't pass if I feel like I'm going to screw up.
WADE: I have an idea that will help you stop thinking that...don't feel like screwing up. I'm going home.
Wade walks away from KG.
KG: I can't believe that asshole. He just snubbed me like it was nothing.
KG looks at the bulletin board and sees a poster from the newspaper club advertising Wade's upcoming interview. KG growls angrily.
SCENE 15
The Jennings Household
Interior KG's Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
That night, KG mumbles angrily to himself as he fixes his blanket, fluffs his pillow, and gets into his bed.
KG: This is a nightmare. Wade was sent to kill me. He's out for a hostile takeover like the world's never seen before.
KG looks at the ceiling, then at a picture of Denise posing near her locker.
KG: And now he's going after the hottest chick in school. You know what? This is all in my head. Wade's just the flavor of the month. Here today, gone tomorrow. Nothing more than a...crappy, hyped up sample at Baskin Robbins.
KG goes to sleep and the scene dissolves into a scene at Craig Bartlett. KG walks into the lunchroom to applause from a studio audience and meets up with Rodney and Trevor.
KG: Guys, are you ready for the math test?
RODNEY: Yeah, almost. I just have to study a bit more.
TREVOR: I already have a perfect foolproof method to get an A.
KG: What is it?
TREVOR: Just pray. God will grant you anything if you ask Him.
The audience laughs as Trevor begins praying.
TREVOR: Dear Lord, I need an A on my math test today and Jennifer Garner in my bed.
Cue even louder laughter from the studio audience as Trevor kisses his finger and points it to the ceiling.
RODNEY: I had no idea you were even religious, Trevor.
TREVOR: What does religious mean?
Cue more laughter from the studio audience as Wade walks in with a black letterman's jacket, sunglasses, and a graduation cap. The Sea Gals, the Seattle Seahawks' cheerleaders, come in cheering alongside him as the kids flock to him.
KG: Who's that joker?
RODNEY: It's Wade, man. The coolest, smartest guy in the universe!
TREVOR: He's so smart, he makes Stephen Hawking look like...someone dumber than Stephen Hawking.
The audience laughs as Trevor and Rodney run to Wade.
KG: He's not that cool. Who told him it was a good idea to wear that cap? Totally throws off the look.
At that point, Denise walks in chewing gum and twirling her hair.
DENISE: Wade, I know I just met you and you're like, so super cool and everything, but maybe you could help me with my homework later?
WADE: Hey. If there's one thing I could say about Wade, it's that if Wade can do it, Wade can get it done.
KG: THAT DIDN'T EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE!
The audience laughs again as the theme song and the opening sequence of the sitcom (in the style of Smart Guy) start up. Wade is shown being surrounded by books and whiteboards, then dances as he is covered up by stacks of books. Wade is then shown spinning the globe like a basketball, and then avoids KG for a layup during a basketball game. The characters are then shown as follows: Wade as T.J., Rodney as T.J.'s father Floyd, an angry KG as T.J.'s brother Marcus, Trevor as Marcus' best friend Mo, and Denise as T.J.'s sister Yvette. Denise dances around while Wade chases a runaway basketball in the background. Wade then pretends to fly before he joins KG, Rodney, Trevor, and Denise for the end of the opening sequence.
RAPPER: The science boy named Wade is here to break the monotony/Super intelligent, a fine young prodigy/An eight-year-old whiz kid up in junior high/Like the black Alex Dunphy, but he's def more fly/He has a way with the elements and he's keeping it real/Your favorite little study buddy, he knows the deal/A sarcastic kid, very dry, very clever/You could say that he's bright, brainy, gifted, whatever!
TREVOR: Your friend is smaaaaart!
SINGER: He's a smart guy (doo-doo-doo, doo doo-d-d-doo)/Smart guy (doo doo-d-d-doo), smart guy (doo doo-d-d-doo)/He's a smart guy (doo-doo-doo, doo doo-d-d-doo)
KG wakes up in the middle of the night, screaming.
KG: No! My life is not a sitcom! I'm going to get rid of Wade if it's the last thing I do.
KG looks down at the floor and sees that Mrs. Tuxedo Pants is sleeping in his room.
KG: Why is the stupid cat in my room?
SCENE 16
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The next day, the kids are watching TV together.
SPARKY: Guys, I'm starting to think you're right.
Beat.
RK: I don't get it. Were we right about Wade?
SPARKY: No, you guys were right about beef stroganoff.
BUSTER: We're talking about beef stroganoff?
SPARKY: NO, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT WADE!
KG walks in, annoyed.
KG: Guys, we need to talk about the Wade problem. We have to exterminate it.
JAYLYNN: I really hope this isn't going where I think it is.
KG: Look, we need to do everything we can to get Wade out of junior high.
BUSTER: Now you're talking our language!
RK: But why do you care whether or not Wade's in the school? I thought you wanted him to stay away.
KG: Maybe I said that, but look, Wade's trying to kill me. He's the big man on campus now and he's going to finish me off in no time. I have to get him before he gets me.
RK: Oh, okay. Now that Wade has the juice, you wanted to squeeze him for all he was worth. But once he kept the fruits of his labor to himself, you couldn't handle it.
KG: Are we talking about Wade or writing a Minute Maid commercial?
JAYLYNN: He's saying that you only want Wade gone because he got popular and he didn't let you take advantage of it. Which makes sense since you snubbed him.
KG: Okay, I'm a shallow piece of crap, alright? But this isn't just for me. It's for you guys. I know you all miss Wade.
SPARKY: Does it show?
KG: Well, RK's Wade sock puppet that he's started sleeping with is enough evidence.
RK: I told you that in confidence, you son of a bitch!
JAYLYNN: Yeah, it's true. Ever since Wade started going to your school, he's been super busy. It's like we're not even friends anymore.
SPARKY: Then again, it's only been three days.
BUSTER: Three days, fifty days, 525,600 minutes? I don't care anymore! Sparky, without Wade, WE'RE MISERABLE! Buster begins shaking Sparky. WE'RE NOBODY AND NOTHING!
KG: See? You guys are deteriorating like the last couple years of The Undertaker's career.
SPARKY: Alright, I agree. Things are pretty dry without Wade. But we can't just pull him out of junior high. He wanted to skip a grade. He's happier now and we wouldn't be his friends if we took that away from him.
KG: Are you guys going soft on me? This isn't the same TSE that snuck into the Super Bowl or...or murdered half the people that worked at Nickelodeon. I don't know who this is. You chumps are impostors.
JAYLYNN: Don't include me in the Super Bowl thing, I wasn't there for that shit.
SPARKY: Look, KG, if you want to take down Wade or whatever, that's your thing. But don't try to include us in it just so you could save your ego.
KG: Well then. You guys have disappointed me today. If you don't even want to save your friendship with Wade, then what can you save?
KG walks out of the house. Beat.
KG: Did that work?
BUSTER: No, go away.
SCENE 17
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Wade's Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
That night, Wade's phone keeps ringing while he looks at his current schedule that he posted on his wall highlighting all of his assignments and study sessions.
WADE: Okay, so if I work with Julie early Monday morning on that lab assignment, and then do the English paper at school, I should have just enough time for the newspaper interview. Wait, but I think the principal wanted to see me about his user account. Okay, so I can just do the paper now. Wait a minute. I don't have time for that. Oh, God, I'm losing my mind here!
Wade's cell phone rings again.
WADE: SOMEONE PICK UP THE DAMN PHONE! Wait, what am I doing?
Wade picks up the phone at that point.
WADE: Whoever it is, make it snappy. I gotta study.
RK is shown calling Wade on his cell phone.
RK: Hey Wade, what's up? I just wanted to know if...
WADE: Oh, man, RK, I'm sorry. I'm booked solid right now, I don't really have time to talk.
RK: Oh. You know, because we haven't talked much since you started...
RK hears the sound of the phone hanging up.
RK: Sixth grade.
He sighs in disappointment. Cut to Wade hopping on his bed, burying his face in his hands and presumably crying.
SCENE 18
("What's Beef" by The Notorious B.I.G. plays in the background)
In the boys' bathroom, KG puts on eye black and a camouflage hat in an attempt to spy on Wade and pick up information that he can use against him. KG first hides inside the empty locker across from Wade's to see what he is up to. However, he is unable to find anything incriminating. He also spies on him during lunch, eating by himself and using binoculars, then checks him out during recess. KG ends up being spotted by a teacher and runs away before he can get talked to. Later that day, Wade goes home in his car and KG follows him in his car. He parks in a spot where he'll be unseen, climbs up the nearest tree, and spies on Wade through his binoculars for several hours. At night, KG gets tired, sighs, and accidentally falls out of the tree.
SCENE 19
Craig Bartlett Junior High School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
A few days later, KG walks into the school showing visible fatigue.
KG: This is ridiculous. A whole week of spying on Wade and I still haven't found anything that can get him kicked out. I should have never said I wanted to be an agent on career day.
KG walks up to Trevor and Rodney, who look shocked.
KG: Guys, what the hell happened?
TREVOR: KG, remember how you said there would sooner be an alien invasion than me acing a test?
KG: Yeah, that was yesterday.
TREVOR: Well, I think we're all about to start getting probed.
Trevor shows his "A" on the math test to KG.
KG: Holy shit on top of shit.
RODNEY: I had the same reaction.
KG: Trevor, the closest you've ever come to an "A" is eating Campbell's soup.
TREVOR: I know! But ever since that little black boy started tutoring me, I feel like my brain is on another level. I love that little black boy.
RODNEY: Okay, just one thing, please don't describe Wade like that.
KG: Man. So you guys really appreciate Wade, huh?
RODNEY: Yeah, of course. Without Wade, we would have no chance of being near the top of our classes.
TREVOR: Yeah, man, Wade's an alien. I don't know how you know him, but you need to keep knowing him so I can do my homework.
KG: Guys, Wade's a genius, but he's still just a kid. He's not here to serve you.
RODNEY: We know. Which is why he's coming with us to the movies tomorrow.
TREVOR: I hope he likes DreamWorks.
RODNEY: We're not seeing a DreamWorks movie.
TREVOR: Wait, so you're Team Pixar? You asshole, how could you hide this from me?
KG: I have to go to the bathroom.
KG walks to the boys' bathroom.
KG: What am I doing? I'm here trying to get rid of Wade and all my friends can offer him is a movie? Yup, he's getting his buttered biscuit alright.
SCENE 20
Regal Meridian 16
Interior Concession Stand
Seattle, Washington
Wade, KG, Denise, Rodney, Trevor, and some other extras are all at the movie theater the next day ordering tickets and buying food. KG looks at Wade and walks towards him.
KG: Saturday afternoon. Interesting, huh?
WADE: Do you always have to ramble when you have nothing else to say?
KG: I can't help it, I get it from my brother! I'm just trying to talk to you.
WADE: Yeah, but why? I'm cramping your style right now just by being near you.
KG: Wade, look...
WADE: Nope, I'm cool. I just want to enjoy my time here at the movies. You may not give a shit about me, but at least these guys do.
DENISE: Alright, guys, we have the tickets. Let's go.
TREVOR: You ordered an extra popcorn, right?
DENISE: Yes, Trevor. I ordered an extra popcorn with extra butter.
WADE: What's with him and extra popcorn?
RODNEY: Last time he only had one tub and he lost his shit. We can't talk about the rest.
SCENE 21
Regal Meridian 16
Exterior Theater Exit
Seattle, Washington
The kids all walk out of the theater with neutral expressions.
KG: Well, that was an okay movie.
RODNEY: Are you sure? I couldn't pay attention. Wade was dissing it every five minutes.
TREVOR: Yeah. What did you keep saying about the inconsistent store? I didn't even get that shit.
WADE: Inconsistent story. Like, the movie had an inconsistent logic within its story.
Beat.
WADE: You know, I could explain myself, but I'll, uh...just go to the bathroom.
Wade shrugs and heads to the bathroom.
SCENE 22
Regal Meridian 16
Interior Men's Bathroom
Seattle, Washington
Wade whistles "Despacito (Remix)" by Luis Fonsi and Daddy Yankee featuring Justin Bieber as he sits on the stall. He immediately stops when he hears the bathroom door open. Cut to outside the stall where Rodney and Trevor are walking towards the urinals.
RODNEY: Hey, do you still have that cousin that sells bootleg copies of movies?
TREVOR: Of course I do. It's not like he's dead. Wait, is he? No, he's probably not.
RODNEY: Well, tell him to get a copy of Medicine Man. I'm going to show it at my house next weekend. Just don't tell Wade.
TREVOR: Why not?
RODNEY: Because he'll just point out everything that sucks about it again. We get it, the storytelling is subpar. Stop acting like you're Roger Ebert.
TREVOR: You know, if we had seen the My Little Pony movie, none of this would have happened.
RODNEY: Trevor, no one cares about My Little Pony anymore. It was cute for two years, now it's just sick.
TREVOR: You're such a hater. But I get what you're saying about Wade. I never realized how annoying he could be until now.
RODNEY: Man, who are you telling? I finally get why people say that familiarity breeds contempt.
TREVOR: At least he's super smart.
RODNEY: Yeah, he definitely has that going for him. But honestly, if I was his age, he's the kind of kid I'd probably pick on.
TREVOR: Some people just don't have much to offer.
Wade looks extremely disappointed as he sighs in the stall.
SCENE 23
Regal Meridian 16
Interior Lobby
Seattle, Washington
KG is on his phone when Wade sits next to him by the water fountain.
WADE: KG, I don't think I belong in your school anymore.
KG: Wait, you actually want to talk to me now?
WADE: This is serious, man.
KG: What's wrong?
WADE: I overheard Rodney and Trevor talking about me in the bathroom. Turns out I'm not really worth that much after all.
KG: What? Of course you're worth something, man. If you weren't, RK wouldn't always talk about you like you're Jesus or the Dalai Lama.
WADE: Well, they didn't think so. All I am to them is the smart one. If I couldn't help them with their homework, I would just be another lame fourth grader.
KG: Damn, they dissed you like that? That really sucks.
WADE: Yeah, it does. You know, the one thing I always wondered was whether people liked me for me or because I was smart. I never had to worry about that with Sparky and them. They've always treated me like family, no matter what. And I thought these guys liked me the same way but I guess I just got ahead of myself.
KG: If it means anything, Denise definitely likes you for you.
WADE: Yeah, Denise is cool. But this just isn't my world. It's too much work and pressure and I feel like if I start slipping up, I'll be letting everybody down.
KG: Could I tell you a story?
WADE: RK's warned me about your stories before.
KG: No, this one has a message. When I was in sixth grade, I felt the same way you did. I was way too nervous and trying to impress everybody. But it didn't work. I mean, the kids wouldn't eat lunch with me, I didn't have the best grades, and it felt like everybody was trying to stay away from me. Plus, for a while, I had a stutter, so when I talked, it sometimes sounded like I was in a snowstorm without a coat on.
WADE: So you weren't Mr. Cool from day one?
KG: Oh, no way. I was an outcast. I wasn't happy in middle school until I found other outcasts to hang out with: Denise, Rodney, and Trevor. Eventually, we realized we could all go through a shitty life together and we became cool in our own way.
WADE: So the message is?
KG: That I should have remembered what it was like for me and tried to help you instead of keeping you away. I'm sorry, Wade. I was so worried about my status, I didn't even know how much stress you were under.
WADE: It's okay. But I don't think I'm ready for junior high yet.
KG: And you shouldn't expect yourself to be. Your friends like you because of who you are, not what you can do for them. Those are the people you should try to impress, not my dipshit friends.
WADE: Thanks KG.
KG: No problem. You know, if you want, I could let Rodney and Trevor have it. Probably toss in a little southpaw, eh?
WADE: No, you could leave them alone. But there is one more thing I have to take care of.
SCENE 24
The MacDougal Householdd
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The kids are all together on the couch, with Wade in his usual spot.
WADE: So I'm going to see Principal MacGregor on Monday and if everything goes well, I should be back in my regular classes by next week.
JAYLYNN: So you're really coming back to iCarly?
WADE: Uh huh. And this time, I'm here to stay.
SPARKY: This is great news. You know what? This calls for a drink.
Sparky walks to the kitchen.
BUSTER: Since you skipped a grade, are they going to put you back in the sixth grade once you pass fourth grade?
WADE: Ah, Buster, I've missed your off-beat way of thinking.
BUSTER: And I missed your Wadeness. None of us could be you. Too many words in the dictionary to learn.
WADE: RK, I'm sorry I hung up on you the other day. I let myself get so caught up in junior high, I forgot all about you.
RK: Hey, man, middle school's tough. That's why if I pass fifth grade, I'm going to move to Florida and no one will hear shit from me for a whole year.
Sparky comes back with a bottle of grape juice and five glasses.
SPARKY: I haven't opened this bottle yet and I'm glad I didn't. This toast is to Wade, and him making us whole once again. We're a group of five, and that's how it's supposed to be.
Sparky hands the glasses to everyone.
TSE: Cheers!
RK: Yeah, happy new year.
The kids start drinking when Jaylynn gets a phone call.
JAYLYNN: Oh. Sorry, guys, I have to take this. It's Jaylynn, do your thing.
ASHLEY: Jaylynn, how come you or none of the guys have been answering my calls or texts? I've been...
JAYLYNN: Leave a message after the beep.
ASHLEY: I know that's you, Jaylynn! Do I look like an idiot to you?
Jaylynn hangs up.
JAYLYNN: The nerve of her, interrupting this celebration.
WADE: I really am back home.
Cut to black.
("Hold On, I'm Comin'" by Sam & Dave plays over the end credits)
POST-CREDITS GAG
Craig Bartlett Junior High School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Rodney and Trevor walk towards their lockers a few days later.
TREVOR: Damn. I forgot to close my locker again.
The boys open their lockers and get simultaneously hit with cream pies by KG and Denise, who are both wearing camouflage hats and eye black.
RODNEY: Gah, what the hell?!
KG: Remember in sixth grade when those dudes hit the both of you with pies at lunch?
TREVOR: NO, I DON'T WANNA REVISIT THAT!
DENISE: Well, that's how you made Wade feel at the movies this weekend.
KG: Yeah. Like a big fat loser. If you thought you could get away with what you said, you don't know what's going on here. Now apologize to his spirit or we'll continue the history lesson, you understand?
RODNEY: No, I spoke my mind! We didn't even know he was there!
Denise slaps Trevor in his face.
TREVOR: I didn't even talk!
KG: That wasn't the answer we wanted. You want another piece of pie?
RODNEY: No, we don't!
KG: Do you want your underwear stretched over your head like a jackass?
RODNEY: NO!
KG: THEN SAY SORRY TO WADE, DAMN YOU!
RODNEY: I'M SORRY, WADE!
TREVOR: I'M SORRY TOO, MAN! RODNEY PUT ME UP TO IT! HE NEVER LIKED YOU ANYWAY!
DENISE: So how is Wade going to find out about this?
KG: Don't worry, I'll take care of it. He'll know exactly what I'm talking about.
Cut to Wade working on an assignment in class when his phone vibrates. He takes it out and sees a text from KG that says, "It's been taken care of."
WADE: What?
The episode ends with Wade looking at the camera with confusion.
©2017 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS