Stargate Atlantis and all its characters are the property of MGM.
A little tag to "Identity" I guess. Happens a few weeks after the end of the episode.
A million thanks and painkillers of her choice to openPandora'sBox who stepped in and did the beta thing for me while nodoubtfan is busy [seriously ndf, tell real life to take a holiday;)]. Anyway, PB suffered immensely with the brain freeze I had with tenses, so everyone should applaud her greatness...I do.
Any feedback would be appreciated.
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Jennifer lifted her shirt up just enough to be able to see it in the full length mirror before her. A sigh, soft and somber, breezed past her lips and seemed to echo in her quarters as the scar came into sight. The blemish on the left side of her abdomen was incredibly small compared to what it could have been, and it was a testament to Carson's immense skill that it was as small as it was. Despite its relatively diminutive nature, she knew exactly where it was.
Her grip tightened around the light fabric clenched in her left hand as her right hand slid across her body towards the scar. Her fingers hovered over the slightly marked skin as though they were afraid to actually touch it.
It was ridiculous, of course. The bullet wound had healed beautifully over the past few weeks and she chided herself for being so timid over it. As a doctor, she'd had her hands in far more uncomfortable places trying to help people and keep them alive. Yet, she could not bring herself to touch that tiny and relatively insignificant scar.
She groaned quietly in frustration and let her right hand fall to rest against her side. Her gaze shifted up and she met the sorrowful stare of her reflection. For a split second, she was back on that planet walking through the woods ahead of Neeva, their bodies still switched. Out of nowhere, their conversation rang out in her mind.
'This Dr. McKay,' Neeva had said.
It had been an odd comment and Jennifer couldn't have helped but be wary, fearing that Neeva might have done something to him. 'What about him?'
'You can do better.'
She had shot the woman a dirty look and had been about to retort that she couldn't have been more wrong before Jannick told them to be quiet. It had been then that gunshots had pierced the air and everybody dove for cover.
When she'd gotten the opportunity to run she'd taken it, only to be caught a short while later by Jannick. He'd been ready to kill her, she was sure of it. But suddenly her eyes were closed, though she hadn't remembered closing them in the first place, and the face she'd seen before her when she'd opened them wasn't Jannick's, but Teyla's. She'd soon realized that she was lying down and it was then that she'd felt the searing pain her side. She'd known what it was before Carson told her that she'd been shot.
And that was perhaps one of the most disconcerting aspects of the entire ordeal; she had been shot, but she had no recollection of it, except after the fact. She still didn't know how her body had ended up taking a bullet and that scared her.
'You can do better.'
Jennifer shook her head to clear it of Neeva's voice.
No, not Neeva's voice, she corrected herself. Neeva's words. It had been Neeva saying those words, but because the thief had been in her body, it had been her own voice telling her that she could do better than Rodney McKay.
That was even more disconcerting than not being in her own body when it had taken a bullet.
The nerve of the woman! thought Jennifer, a storm of anger beginning in the pit of her stomach and working its way farther outward with each passing second. How dare the woman even pretend to know anything about her and Rodney? What could she have possibly discovered about either of them in the short time that she'd been on Atlantis? Not much, she answered herself, or she would have known better.
Her eyes lost their focus and her reflection in the mirror became blurry as the memories of what had happened during the last few weeks played themselves out on her mental viewing screen.
For the first few days after she'd gotten shot, Rodney seemed to spend every waking moment in the Infirmary with her, eating chocolates, talking about everything under the sun, and keeping her in the loop about what was happening around the city. It had gotten to the point where she'd wondered just how hard he was working when she went to sleep so that he could spend time with her. Though it occurred to her now that she'd probably been sleeping more than she thought during those days. Still, the way he'd held her hand so carefully, as though she were a priceless porcelain doll he was afraid would break, warmed her heart. And the way he'd looked at her when he'd thought she'd been asleep or otherwise not paying attention to him, with deep seeded concern and love shining in those bright blue eyes, was amazing to recall.
'You can do better.'
Then, on her third night in the Infirmary, she'd fallen asleep and found herself in the middle of the nightmare once again, reliving the hellish ordeal from start to finish. Only in the version her subconscious had decided to play out for her, Jannick had actually fired his gun at her in the end. Time had slowed down in the dream to the point where she'd been able to see the bullet exit the barrel of the gun and watch it come towards her. She'd felt her heart pound in her chest and her eyes open wide in fear, but still the bullet had moved closer. Try as she might, she hadn't been able to move away. The bullet had blazed a trail halfway to her when she'd finally felt something besides the fear, besides the terror, something soothing and something protective. The bullet had been three quarters of the way to her when she'd heard her name being spoken. The warmth in that voice had been the anchor she'd needed to bring herself back to reality. Her eyes had flown open to reveal a haggard looking Rodney grasping her hand in both of his and staring at her raptly. He'd told her it was a dream, a nightmare, and that she was safe. She'd realized even as she'd begun to relax that she would not have believed anyone else- only Rodney.
'You can do better.'
When she'd finally been released from the Infirmary, Rodney had escorted her to her quarters where she'd received a surprise. Her furniture had been rearranged so that everything she could possibly need was next to her bed. The bed itself had been moved so that it was closer to her bathroom.
'It's how I'd set it up for me,' Rodney had said with a nonchalant shrug when she'd turned a questioning look towards him. And when she'd nodded towards a new addition to her room, an obscenely large and seriously over padded armchair next to her bed, his cheeks had turned a little pink and he'd nervously stammered, 'In case...for people who might visit you, like Teyla, or Sheppard, or Woolsey, or Ronon.' He paused for a second and unsurely added, 'or me.'
'You can do better.'
Which brought her back to today and what she was getting ready for.
It was a beautifully warm and sunny day on the mainland and Carson had given her permission to return to work the next day, so Rodney had decided that it would be a perfect day for the picnic he'd mentioned to her in the Infirmary. She was still a little surprised about the suggestion, though not unpleasantly so. It appeared that he had been going all out setting it up as well. Going so far as to harass the culinary staff for just the right food and arrange for a Jumper to be available.
She had asked him what he wanted her to do for the picnic and his response had been a very quick and slightly panicked, 'Show up!' She had even heard whispers from a certain Colonel that Rodney had issued a blanket threat to everyone he saw, telling them that their lives would be made miserable if they managed to do something that would ruin his day with her.
'You can do better.'
"Jennifer?"
Jennifer jumped and pulled her shirt down as her right hand shot up to her chest and she exclaimed, "Rodney!"
He was mortified. "I'm sorry," he explained, his hands outstretched before him in a calming gesture, eyes wide in horror at nearly scaring her to death. "I tried the chime three times and when you didn't answer I thought…I was worried that you might have been hurt, or not feeling well. I used my clearance to get in."
He took a step towards her and though he looked as though he wanted to touch her, all he did was look at her intently.
"Are you okay?" he inquired softly.
When she nodded he said, "I saw you there and I called out to you, but you wouldn't answer me, so I tried a little louder. I'm sor…"
"It's okay, Rodney," Jennifer said as she stepped up to him and put her arms around his neck, embracing him. His arms slid around her waist as she said, "It's okay. I'm okay. I was just…I was just thinking about what happened, that's all."
They continued to hug for several minutes, Rodney trying his best to comfort her with his soft mumblings of support and Jennifer taking solace in his touch and his heartfelt words.
'You can do better.'
Finally she released him. Without saying anything else, Jennifer turned and faced the mirror again. Her left hand reached down as it had earlier and her fingers wrapped themselves around the hem of the shirt. She could see his reflection behind hers in the mirror, and before her eyes she could see the tension ease from his visage and be replaced by what she recognized to be understanding.
She kept her eyes locked onto Rodney's reflection as she slowly lifted her shirt up so that her scar once again saw the light of day. Rodney grimaced, and for a split second she thought that she'd been wrong in thinking the scar wouldn't bother him.
"I wish you didn't have to go through that," Rodney said softly.
She inwardly chided herself for allowing the ignorant vision that most had of Rodney to creep into her.
"I still can't touch it," she said, the burst of affection she felt at his sympathetic reaction an odd juxtaposition to the anxiety she had been feeling. Her eyes fell to the mirror image of her scar. "I'm a doctor and I've seen and touched dozens of scars, but no matter how hard I try or how much I want to, I just can't."
"And that's a problem, why exactly?" asked Rodney.
Jennifer shook her head and said, "You don't understand…"
"You're kidding!" Rodney exclaimed as he rushed forward to stand beside her. "You've been the Chief Medical Officer in Atlantis for how long? You've seen the scars I've managed to accumulate in the five years I've been here. Did you think I was fine with any of them when I got them?" He shook his head resolutely. "Not likely. It took me a long time to become even remotely comfortable with them."
His left hand moved of its own volition and rubbed his right forearm where the Genii had tortuously sliced his flesh for information when they'd tried to take over Atlantis, "Especially this one."
Jennifer's anxiety melted away in the heat generated by the surge of compassion rolling throughout her body for Rodney.
Before she could do or say anything, she saw something change in Rodney's eyes; they became softer than they usually were, less arrogant and for an instant they seemed to be a little brighter than usual. Before she knew it, he shifted over behind her and rested his chin on her right shoulder. His left hand moved to rest on her waist, just above her left hip, and his free hand reached down and covered hers. His eyes found hers in the mirror and her breath hitched as he tightened his hand around hers and started moving it over towards her left side.
She didn't fight him. She didn't resist. She didn't once think that what he was doing was going to hurt her. She never took her eyes off of his, nor did his gaze stray from hers.
When a few seconds later her hand skimmed over the scar that now adorned the left side of her abdomen, she leaned back against him and smiled at him in the mirror.
At her smile Rodney said, "I've been there, right?"
Jennifer's smile turned into a sad one as she rubbed her thumb along the side of his hand. "I suppose you have. It's just so hard not knowing what happened. I feel so," she hesitated as she struggled to find the right word, "Violated, I guess."
"I don't know," Rodney said so softly that, even though he was virtually speaking into her ear, she could barely hear him. "I think that's the hardest part, actually seeing and feeling it happen." His hand tightened over hers and she realized that he was reliving some of those experiences. "I would give anything not to be able to remember that blade cut my arm or Sheppard's bullet hit my stomach." He gave her a tentative smile. "And I could do without the memory of feeling that arrow hit my ass too."
Jennifer closed her eyes and tried not to laugh at his attempt at humor, but she was destined to fail, though she did manage to limit it to a sympathetic snicker.
She was glad to see him smiling along with her. She studied him for a second and realized that maybe he was right. "Thank you, Rodney."
Her simple verbal expression of gratitude seemed to rouse him. She could feel his sharp intake of breath against her back and his hand slipped quickly, albeit gently, off hers and moved to her hip. A moment later she could feel the cold invade her back as his hands left her waist and he moved away from her.
"You're welcome," he said, his voice strained as though sharing what he'd just shared and doing what he'd just done had taken a lot out of him. He glanced nervously towards her left side and then looked into her reflection again. "Did that…are you feeling better?"
Jennifer looked down to her hand, pressed gently against the blemished flesh of her tummy and nodded. She moved her hand and then let her shirt go so that it fell down to cover her once again. She spun on her heels and faced Rodney with a brilliant smile. "Much better, thanks to you."
"Good," he announced, his voice and his countenance back to what could only be described as their usual Rodney-ness.
He jerked his right thumb over his shoulder and said, "Look we should get going soon, before it gets dark so we can get set up and maybe," his eyes lifted hopefully, "take a walk along the beach?" His eyes popped open and he added hastily, "If you're up to it naturally." He looked down and pointed to a gym bag on the floor. "Did you want to take this?"
"Yes," she replied. Before she could tell him that she would take it he had it scooped up in his hands. "Rodney?"
He looked at her expectantly. "Hmn?"
"Could you just give me one second?" She hesitated for a moment. "I won't be long."
"Um, sure. No problem." He turned around and walked towards the door. When he reached it he passed his hand over the sensor and turned back to her as the door slid open. "I'll be out right here when you're ready, you know, waiting." He slipped through the doorway without waiting for an acknowledgement.
Jennifer turned around to face the mirror and once again looked herself in the eyes.
'You can do better.'
Jennifer reached up with both hands and carefully removed the black scrunchie that had been holding her hair up in a ponytail. She'd tried to have her hair up in a ponytail as often as possible since that day, trying to unnecessarily differentiate herself from Neeva when she was in her body. She tossed the scrunchie onto her desk, and as she raked her fingers through her hair she smiled a slow and sure smile; a smile that was unmistakably confident and an indication that she was truly at peace with what she was about to say.
She let her hands fall to rest at her sides and the same voice that told her weeks ago that she could do better than Rodney spoke now with crystal clarity. "No…I can't."
With that Jennifer turned around, her head held high and proud, and walked to the door. When she walked through it, she found Rodney watching her with some concern.
"Everything okay?" he asked as she approached him. "I thought I heard you say something."
Jennifer looped her arm through his and began guiding them through the corridor. She looked over to him and said with absolute honesty, "Everything is fine."
She cuddled into his arm as they walked and added with a sigh of happiness, "More than fine."