There's Still Hope (For Us)
Author's notes and warnings :
I think Coliver is kind of a little depressing right now considering Jack Falahee's interview where he said there were still ramifications from the conversation between Connor and his dad in 4x04 in the mid-season finale. So I thought I'd write a little something to cheer me up…
Good reading… hopefully!
Connor was sitting dejectedly and feeling depressed on the couch in his and Oliver's apartment – to tell the truth, he had been feeling depressed for quite a while now, if he was being honest with himself. He was staring down at nothing in particular, letting his dad's words sink into his mind heavily.
"I think Oliver's great, he's just not great for you."
"…Not the type of guy you need."
"You're faking it, Connor, just like I did with your mother. And as much as this might upset you, I've known you your entire life and you are not this guy."
"I used to envy you, even as a child. So independent, strong, didn't need people, not like the rest of us. I don't know what changed you, Connor. I don't know what happened, if it was this place or Oliver, but you cannot live your life for other people. You have to live your life for you, the real you, and find someone who fits with that, and that is not Oliver."
So deep into his thoughts, he didn't hear his boyfriend coming out of the bathroom, making his way into the living room and calling his name.
"Connor!" called Oliver for the third time, getting worried.
Connor slightly jumped, turning his face towards his lover who was kneeling down beside him, on the floor, next to the couch.
"You okay?" whispered Oliver, concerned and unsure of the expression on the younger man's face.
"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine, it's nothing," the ex-student said unconvincingly, avoiding the hacker's gaze.
Oliver sighed audibly and got up, shaking his head and walking towards the kitchen to pour himself a glass of wine.
"Sure, it's always nothing," he muttered under his breath.
"What?" said Connor, frowning.
The older man sighed again, exasperated, and turned around to face his boyfriend who was still sitting on the couch.
"Why don't we just skip to the part where we break up, because this is exactly where it's going, isn't it?" Oliver said, his voice rising a little, a painful lump forming in his throat.
"What do you mean?" whispered Connor, finally looking at the other man, afraid of what his answer would be.
"I mean, that's the real reason why you don't want to marry me, isn't it?" the hacker replied, raising his hands slightly in the air. "The last few weeks, we've been… I don't even know what to call it. Sometimes, it feels like we're just strangers… or, at least, you are to me. I don't know how to act around you anymore, because you almost never talk to me about what you're going through and what you're feeling. I'm not asking you to share everything, because I know you don't like it and you're not comfortable doing so, and I respect that. But, sometimes – like when you're not okay –, I just wish you'd talk to me about it instead of trying to hide it, especially when it's obvious you're everything but fine. I feel useless, because I can't even try to help you when you're like this."
Oliver stopped talking, letting his hands fall at his sides, nibbling at his lower lip and turning away from the younger man, intending to go to their – his? – bedroom, forgetting all about the wine.
"Forget it. I'm going to bed," the older man sighed, worn out and tired all of a sudden.
He was almost out of Connor's sight when the ex-student's voice stopped him once again.
"My father told me you weren't the guy for me," Connor admitted monotonously, as if it didn't bother him when it actually hurt to just utter the words.
Oliver swallowed hard, not moving, silent tears he refused to let fall gathering into his eyes.
"He said you're not the type of guy for me… that I changed a lot and I should find someone whom I could be my real self with… and that someone wasn't you," Connor finished, a lump growing in his throat.
The hacker tried not to show how hurt he was by that; he had thought he was getting along well with Jeff – and Ted. After a few minutes, he got his emotions under control and said with a trembling voice:
"Maybe he's right. Maybe we should just end it – for real, this time."
He took a deep, shaky breath before turning around again, his arms crossed in front of him, and looking at the ex-student who was, in turn, watching him strangely.
"I mean, I know I've gone behind your back a few times – Stanford and now your dads, which I realize is not okay –, but I want to know you, and maybe I'm just being pushy or needy, but I want to be with someone who feels he can tell me when things are not okay and… maybe you're not ready for this and you never will be. Maybe that's not what you need… I'm not what you need, so…"
"No!" almost shouted Connor, finally getting up from the couch. "No…" he whispered, shaking his head.
A bunch of thoughts were swirling in his head, but something in the way Oliver looked triggered a strong feeling inside him.
"My father said he had known me my entire life, but he's wrong! We haven't even been close for years… and he doesn't know what happened to me, to us, and the others. He doesn't…"
The young man swallowed back the tears that were threatening to fall before continuing, more calmly.
"I changed, it's true. I lost my confidence, I lost that drive to win and to be the best in what I do. I don't even know what I want to do anymore with my life, but… that's not because of you. My dad doesn't know about the murders and… about me seeing… Wes' body in that house and how… how that… broke something in me that I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to get back."
He paused for a second, letting the words sink in.
"You're the only thing that kept me going after everything that happened, Ollie. You're the only one who made my life bearable after all of this craziness… And don't go thinking it's the reason why we're together, because I clearly remember wanting to be with you before what happened with Sam. So, yes, I changed, but not because of you. And the part of me that did change for the better is thanks to you. Yes, before I met you, I was more independent, proud and easy going, but I was also unbelievably alone. I was slutting my way around, going from one guy to another, not feeling and caring at all… and that's what my father wants me to go back to?!"
He shook his head disgustingly, looking down, a tear escaping his eye in spite of him, putting his shaky hands in the hoodie he was wearing.
"You were everything to me, Ollie," he whispered brokenly.
The older man looked up at Connor, holding his breath for a second.
"Were…?" he murmured, his voice also breaking off.
Despite what he had said earlier, he didn't really want to break up with the younger man.
"I… I'm messed up, Oliver. I'm just… so messed up! How can you even want to be with me like this?"
Connor sat down again on the couch, his trembling hands going to his face, while tears were streaming down from his closed eyes.
"I should just let you go, like you wanted me to all these months ago."
Oliver went to join his lover on his right side, on the couch, itching to touch him, but worried that it wouldn't be welcomed. Taking a risk, he put his own hands slowly and lovingly on Connor's, putting them down before kissing the ex-student on the forehead and hugging him close to his body.
After a short hesitation, Connor returned the hug and buried his face into that place between Oliver's shoulder and neck, his hands holding the hacker's body strongly.
"We'll find a way for both of us to get better," began Oliver, his grip almost fierce and possessive around his boyfriend's back. "Together."
After a few minutes, during which Connor's tears were drying against the older man's skin and shirt, they laid down on the couch, the younger man comfortably settled between Oliver's legs, his head resting on his chest.
"I wish you would have met my mother and sister instead," Connor said, sniffling a little. "They'd love you – us."
Smiling a little, still hurt by what Jeff had said, Oliver replied, "There's still time for that… if you want."
The younger man thought about it for a second before answering.
"Maybe just my sister, first. It would be too intense with my mom. Besides, Gemma already knows about us."
"She does?" the hacker asks, slightly surprised.
"I… hum… kind of told her I was seeing you during that first Christmas after we met, so…"
"Connor! We weren't even together at the time," Oliver pointed out, amused.
The ex-student shrugged. "I know, but I had hope."
"Do you still have hope? For us, I mean," the older man hesitantly asked.
Connor lifted his head, looked closely at his lover's face and kissed him slowly on the lips, smiling – a real, genuine smile that had been absent for a really long time – before resting his head back on his boyfriend's chest.
Oliver smiled too, his hand caressing Connor's head through the short hair. Yes, there was still hope for them yet.