~ 30 Things to Remember about My Parents ~

By Rose Weasley

1) The best time to confess to Dad about accidentally setting fire to his robes/breaking a vase/turning the cat's fur bright turquoise is whenever Auntie Fleur happens to be around, as Dad will be having difficulty remembering how to construct full sentences, let alone remembering he's supposed to be really angry.

2) Don't do it if Mum happens to be around, as she then gets annoyed at Dad for being an idiot and won't talk to him all day. Watching him try and fail to make her laugh and get himself off the hook is funny the first time but after that it's just sad.

3) If you have done something bad that you find vaguely amusing, such as somehow Transfiguring one of the cat's paws into a human foot, tell Dad. He probably won't be able to fix it, but he'll be laughing so much he won't tell you off for it.

4) If it really does need fixing, tell Mum. She'll fix it perfectly but at the same time you'll get a good long lecture about the dangers of magical experimentation and, if you're really unlucky, she'll pull out the relevant paragraph from a book explaining why it's a bad thing to fool around with magic.

5) If you have done something bad that you know you'll be punished for, however, it's best to tell Dad about it, not Mum. Mum will ground you and make it stick. Dad will ground you, make it stick for about half an hour then get fed up of watching you being bored and tell you to go out again.

- 5.b) Or he'll decide he's bored and then challenge you to a game of Exploding Snap or something.

6) When Dad shouts, it's basically white noise. He doesn't say anything worthwhile. He just makes angry faces. Try not to laugh at any of them.

- 6.b) Even though some of them are genuinely hilarious.

7) Tune out until he pulls his "You-Know-I-Hate-Shouting-At-You-But-I-Have-To" face, at which point you should smile sadly and apologise.

- 7.b) - Even if it's all his fault.

8) Then settle back to eat the reward for not shouting back at him – a guilt ice cream.

9) Do not try this technique with Mum – she never forgets why she's angry in the middle of an argument.

-9.b) Or after an argument.

10) Nor does she get distracted by random noises/the arrival of an owl/me bursting loudly into (fake) tears.

11) Mum is not affected by tears, screaming, tantrums, bartering, pleading, shouting, being overly nice, being overly helpful, or promises of future immaculate behaviour. If under a punishment from Mum, accept your fate and do your time quietly.

12) Always insist that Dad does the cooking. Not because his is any better than Mum's (it's not), but because he doesn't care if I eat all my vegetables, and there's always ice cream for pudding.

13) Let Dad think it's because he's better. It makes him happy.

14) Write home from school once a week. If not, Mum will worry and then she'll either cry or bombard you with owls, and then Dad will get upset too because Mum's upset. It's just easier that way.

15) Also, when writing home from school, write them both a separate letter. It makes Dad happy, and means he doesn't have to think of me as not being five years old anymore, as Mum gets all the awkward problems she can solve.

16) Mum loves being given awkward problems to solve; especially if they involve complicated personal situations that have nothing to do with her physically. If there's someone you fancy and they're not getting the hint, talk to Mum about it, as Dad still somehow manages to be completely confused by things Mum does at times.

17) Also, despite how cool he likes to think he is, Dad is not laid back in the slightest when it comes to his children not being five years old anymore.

- 17.b) Therefore, a brilliant game to play is to ask him where babies come from, as he'll always get flustered and the stories he comes up with and actually expects to be believed are usually hilariously bad.

18) If, therefore, I would like him to stop listening to me talk, always try to mention one of the following key Buzz Words in his presence: 'bra', 'period', 'cramps', 'cycle' – in fact, anything related to menstruation whatsoever will make him stuff his fingers in his ears and sing very loudly.

19) However, unless I want to experience for the millionth time the joys of the "You're-My-Daughter-And-You're-Not-Doing-Anything-Till-You're-Thirty!" lecture again, I never mention any of the following key Buzz Words in his presence (even if they're not related to me in the slightest): boyfriend, makeup, wedding, sex, kiss, pregnant.

20) If Dad gets his way, I will not be doing any of the following until either I am old or he is dead: having a boyfriend, getting married, having children, doing anything that involves a boy and isn't just talking to him from behind six-inch glass whilst wearing a full length robe so that all that can be seen of me is my eyes and hands.

21) However, a very quick and easy distraction is to mention the fact that you read in the Daily Prophet the other day that Viktor Krum is being given a Lifetime Achievement Award for his Quidditch career. He'll then forget everything he was ranting about and switch to telling you, in perfect detail, precisely how much of a tosser Krum is. Whoever he is – Auntie Ginny recommended it.

- 21.b) For added fun, tell him you might have heard it from Auntie Ginny rather than the newspaper, and that she heard it from one of her old Harpy teammates. That gets revenge on her for Dad not shutting up for two solid hours, as he'll then immediately start grilling her for any information.

22) If you want to hear a story about the war when Mum and Dad were teenagers, pick your storyteller carefully. If you want all the historical facts and the fluffy, glossed-over, very obviously highly-edited version of events (in which no blood is spilled), ask Mum. If you want the gory details starring Dad as the unlikely hero of the hour who saves the damsel in distress (i.e. Mum) from certain death, then ask Dad. If you want the truth, ask Uncle Harry. Or Auntie Ginny. Or Neville. Or absolutely anyone else who was there.

- 22.b) Don't ask Uncle George. He either gets upset for some reason or he tells stupid exaggerated stories that can't be true, like him only having one ear because the other one looked like an elephant's.

23) No matter what Mum says, no matter how much she tells you you're silly for not doing it, do not give Neville their love. It doesn't go down well and shutting Mum up for five minutes is not worth the jokes you hear for the next six whole weeks.

24) Never ask either of them for help with any homework you might have been given over the holidays. If you ask Dad, he'll help for five minutes then get bored and start fiddling with his quill or something, or he'll be really interested and then you'll score a really low mark because he was making it up as he went along. If you ask Mum, you'll almost always get a zero for it, because normally she gets carried away and just writes it for you, and as the teachers know who she is and who I am, they can generally spot when there's such a sudden leap in my abilities.

-24.b) Not to mention my handwriting.

25) Similarly, if Mum asks you if you have homework, there is no escape. If you say you didn't get any, she'll owl the school straight away, asking why not, and she'll give Neville the third degree for not setting anything over the holidays. If you say you did it on the train, or before you came home, she'll ask to see it, and if you lie she'll ask a million detailed questions you can't possibly answer. You will be sent to your room with a stack of books bigger than you until you've done it all.

26) Mum doesn't really put Veritaserum in our pumpkin juice when she thinks we're lying. She's just trying to scare us into honesty.

- 26. b) I think.

27) If Mum and Dad are having an argument that's not really a proper argument, try to hide and get a good spot. It's usually worth listening to for the insults they manage to come up with.

28) Make sure the hiding spot has a good escape route. It's not fun when they manage to find you.

-28.b) Or when they don't find you but make up immediately after the bickering. You do not want to be stuck listening to your parents kissing. Trust me.

-28.c) Especially when they find you afterwards anyway. Very awkward all round.

29) There is no escaping the hug on the platform every term when you get off the train. It's big and it's embarrassing but, secretly, it's also quite nice, and there's nothing in the world that will stop Mum or Dad from doing it.

30) No matter what they do, no matter what they say and no matter how completely mad and weird they seem, always remember; it could be worse. I could have Luna and Rolf for parents and have to wear parsnip necklaces to ward off the attack of a Three-Eyed Mudflapper.

I hope that helps, Hugo. This is that list you found on my desk over Christmas, remember? The one I snatched away because you were being a nosy git? When I read your letter I thought you could maybe use it – I was a bit worried when you mentioned wanting to hitchhike to the castle – do you even know where it is?? I know some of the tips apply more to me than you but that's because it's something I wrote last term to remind myself after the billionth lecture from Dad about "when you go back to school just remember that boys can be nice friends but that's it, Rosie!" and they're too important to get rid of. So mentioning menstruation might not work for you, but if you try it you'll probably worry him that you know more about female anatomy than he does and that should be enough to shut him up for a day or two.

Don't worry, by the way – it's only a few months and then I'll be home for Easter and I can help you deal with them again. And then you've got one more year without me and eventually we'll both be at Hogwarts and they can be insane together. Plus remember when we're all back from school you'll have James and Albus too, and everyone else. Other than that I'm sure Lily can help you –she'll be stuck with Harry and Ginny, won't she? And you can always owl me if you need to. And in the meantime, stop getting so flustered. You know as well as I do that Mum's a lot like Nana Weasley – she's just smothering you because I'm not there and you're all she's got left. I bet you're getting extra food too, you greedy git.

I wouldn't be in such a rush to get here either – it sounds nice but the amount of work you've got to do is insane! Me and Al are already trying to think of ways to bribe James to do some of it for us, not that I think he will. Oh, and by the way – don't listen to anything James tells you. Or Teddy, either. They both lie a lot; they think it's funny to see how much we'll all believe. You don't have to do a test every week to prove you're magic enough, and the ghosts don't haunt you if you don't salute them every time you see them. I believed that one for a week and everyone laughed at me until James made them stop. He said he didn't think I'd actually do it – it was really embarrassing. If he does anything like that again I might just let him think I fancy Scorpius Malfoy; that should shut him up, he hates the Slytherins. It's nicer here than they tell you, though. Tell Lily that as well – but don't tell James I'm the one who said it, it'll ruin his fun telling her the same lies he told me and Al.

Well, I think that's everything. Owl me back if anything happens – oh, and tell Teddy Victoire's lost that brooch he gave her for Christmas but she doesn't want to tell him as she's upset about it. She's being really stupid - I tried to ask her if she loves Teddy in the Common Room and she went bright red and wouldn't answer me. Do you think they will end up getting married, like we said? It'd be weird, don't you think? They were really good friends for ages. I think it'd be strange to go from being friends to going out, but maybe that's just me.

Try and enjoy your last year and a bit of freedom – it's all downhill after that! Only joking. Oh, and don't let Mum and Dad find this letter. They'll know we're onto them.

Lots of love, and see you soon,

Rosie.


This is something that was suggested to me, and which seemed to be doing well in my profile poll, so I thought I'd write it now!

It's set during Rose's second term at Hogwarts (so approximately five months after the events of the epilogue) in response to a letter Hugo sent her when she went home after Christmas.

I decided to make it 30 things rather than the usual 50 as I thought 30 was a nice round number and 50 would stretch it a bit.

Hope you liked it, and if you did, I'm sure you know what to do!

Merry Christmas, everyone.