Summary: Scotty learns the consequences of listening to the crew's private conversations. Humor, implied naughtiness.

Reporting to you from Tokyo, Japan: Well, as I brainstormed for the VSD's, a friendly little plot bunny came along and bit me. Here is the result of extreme jet lag, a bit of sake, and lots of sashimi!

Eavesdropping

"I wasn't droppin' no eaves, sir!"

Scotty occasionally felt like he didn't quite fit in on the Enterprise. True, he loved and adored the ship and happily basked in the awe that many of the crew displayed at his engineering prowess. Yet he couldn't help but be keenly aware of the fact that the young crew had studied together, lived together, and been flash-promoted from the Academy together. It didn't help to alleviate the nagging feeling when, one slow day as the ship traveled to a newly colonized planet in the Circinus Galaxy, he found the doors to the rec room firmly locked.

Strange, he muttered to himself. Usually there's a bit of a crowd in here at this time of day.

Muffled conversation emanated from the closed chamber. Eternally curious, Scotty pressed his ear up against the door.

"I don't know, Spock," he heard Uhura say. "It's really long. And it's kind of well, green."

Scotty's eyes snapped wide open and he listened more intently.

"That is correct, Uhura," Spock's voice replied. "Such is the way with Vulcan anatomy."

"I think it's pretty damn weird." Scotty recognized the voice of Captain Kirk. "Okay, what about mine, Uhura?"

"Seriously, Kirk? Can you keep it down for five minutes?"

"No! Tell me. I guess you'd be the expert on this anyways."

"Right," Uhura muttered. "Well, I have to say it looks quite…average."

"What?!" Kirk responded emphatically. "How can it possibly be—"

McCoy's gruff voice broke through. "Well, I've seen it all swollen up. Not a pretty sight, if you ask me."

What? Scotty thought to himself. I know I got on the ship later than most, but just how much did I miss?!

Uhura laughed softly. "I've seen it too. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry when I saw. Okay, Kirk. Really. Put it away—you're freaking me out."

"Let's see yours, Chekov!" Kirk said brightly in response.

Christ! Was everyone on the goddamn ship in the room but him? Scotty frantically tried to remember the code to unlock the door.

"Come on, Kirk! What is it with guys and having to compete about everything?" Uhura snapped.

An unmistakably Russian voice that could only belong to Chekov replied. "Well, eet ees not quite as long as Meester Spock's," he said sadly, a pout undoubtedly on his unlined face.

"You're only seventeen, Pavel." Sulu's voice was reassuring. "You haven't stopped growing yet."

"Oh, and at least eet ees quite vide. The wodka makes us Russians strong. You know, een Russia, cheeldren drink wodka like mother's milk…"

"Okay, Chekov, we get it," Bones quickly cut him off before the young ensign began another rambling commentary on the virtues of his motherland.

"What about you, Sulu?"

"I don't like to compare…but oh wait. I wanna show you a trick. I can fold it!"

A chorus of admiring "ooohs" and faint giggles rang out.

"Eet ees like your collapsible fencing saber, no?"

"Total icebreaker," Sulu responded. "Works every time."

Scotty had resorted to rerouting the wiring of the entrance touchpad. His face still pressed against the door, he finally managed to unlock it and crashed headlong into the chamber.

The crew of the Enterprise turned to stare at the sudden interruption.

"I have to know," Scotty gasped. "What the hell are y' laddies doin'?"

The looks of astonishment turned to expressions of bemused understanding.

Spock raised one highly angled eyebrow. "It appears that Mr. Scott has manifested the human adage of…how shall I phrase it? Unwarranted questioning of a situation not pertinent to oneself will inevitably terminate the existence of a feline lifeform."

"Curiosity killed the cat, indeed," McCoy growled. Then he smirked. "Come on, boys. Let's show him, shall we?"

The crew turned in unison to face the baffled engineer.

Scotty groaned in sudden comprehension. Uhura's right, he glumly thought. Spock's tongue really was kind of green.

(A/N: Hopefully you're not too weirded out by my bizarre time-difference-induced sense of humor to click on the "Review" button! Nothing is better than writing crack!fics other than getting reviews for them!

Also, lots of love to my awesome beta, not_jackie! She makes my world go round, even when I'm sixteen hours and five thousand miles away from her!)