Author's note: I recommend listening to Battle (Field) from the Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild when you see a * mark.
The cold, musty air of Ylinnsmouth would've sent a chill down any passing folk, but the moonlit streets were all empty. Tonight was the night of the grand ball at Archduke Robin's abode, and any peasant worth their salt knew that the Archduke was rather fond of donating money to whomever would attend his festivities.
Atop the bleak rooftops stood a man wearing a long, feathery cape lining his back. Suddenly, he disappeared into a swarm of bats and then reappeared in the middle of the empty road. He continued to walk along the brick pathway until he stood before the mansion, which shone like a golden beacon amidst the unlit windows of the neighborhood.
"What a wonderful night to have a curse…" The man muttered as he adjusted his brown locks of hair, then opened the front doors to the spacious adobe.
The interior of the mansion was decorated entirely with gold and shades of yellow, and the man's eyes winced just from the brightness of the decor. A sizeable crowd of common rabble had assembled in the grand foyer, and above them was a platform lined with railings that two people stood atop.
"People! I stand before you today with wonderful news!" Archduke Robin spoke as he stood next to a maiden with long, red hair. "Duchess Cordelia shall be taking my hand in marriage!"
The crowd erupted into cheers while Robin and Cordelia smiled onto them. The caped man folded his arms and tapped his foot while certain members of the gathering noticed him and began to step backward in fear while whispering.
"That's the dreaded Stahlucard, son of Dracula!" One such commoner stated and nervously backed away.
"To celebrate this joyous occasion, we shall be holding an auction for the Rib of Dracula in due time. Now go, enjoy the free meals and remember that Archduke Robin will solve your qualms." Robin spoke as he put his arm around Cordelia's shoulder and walked deeper into the abode of the golden mansion.
Stahlucard took a step back and evaluated his surroundings, where he noticed the only way to follow Robin and acquire what he came here for was to go up the twin staircases at his left and right. Said staircases were guarded by burly men decorated in armor, and they had wooden stakes lining their chests as though they anticipated a vampire attack.
Normally, he would have to kill and drain the guards of their blood before he could pass, and such actions would draw a great deal of attention.
Or, he could just turn into a cloud of gas using the powers of his bloodline and effortlessly float above the unsuspecting guards.
While Stahlucard transformed into a smoky cloud of gas, the nearby crowd was so stricken with fear at this display of freakish power that they all sprinted out of the mansion while screaming in terror. All except for one lass who wore a black dress that matched her hair, and who went by the name Tharia. She had trained her eye on the mysterious man since he entered the manor, and she had been unable to keep her eyes off of him and his devilish cape.
Stahlucard shifted back into a corporeal form and landed on all fours in the middle of a long hallway. Elegant lights were along the walls, and several chandeliers swung above his head.
His nostrils flared, and his primal instincts kicked in as he smelt the familiar smell of aristocratic blood. He followed the scent down the hallway, whilst ducking and hiding behind all manner of objects as to avoid any passing guards.
At the end of the hallway was a door with an R engraved at the top of it. Stahlucard leaned his head against the wooden gate and could faintly hear two people conversing from within.
"I just require a brief stop to the restroom before I am ready." One voice spoke; Stahlucard assumed it was Cordelia based on her feminine tone.
"We shall rejoin shortly, dearest." The distinctive tone of Archduke Robin's voice spoke back, and Stahlucard waited for about thirty seconds before opening the door. He stepped into Robin's bedroom, which was decorated with pictures of himself that were labeled 'Me'. The sounds of a woman humming could be heard from the bathroom to the left.
To the right was a bed adorned with white drapes, and atop it rested a shirtless man. The man's eyes widened as he noticed Stahlucard approaching. "W-wait a minute, you're not my manservant!"
"Tell me where the Rib of Vlad is, or I shall drain the blood from your flesh like wine." Stahlucard snarled his lips as he leaned over Robin.
"I'll never tell!" Robin spat out a retort as Stahl's glaring face grew closer and closer.
"So be it..." Stahlucard growled in a deep voice as he grabbed the side of Robin's neck.
As Cordelia exited the washroom, she was greeted by a most frightening sight. There was her husband to be, sitting on the bed with a stare, but all the color in his skin was gone and replaced with a gray sheen.
"R-Robin?" Her voice trailed off as she walked closer and closer to him. As she drew near, she could see two little red dots on the side of his neck, and she could also see the rhythmic motions of his chest rising and falling.
Without warning, Robin sprang upright and clamped his newly-acquired fangs onto Cordelia's neck and drained the blood from her body. Her lifeless body fell to the floor, and a minute passed before she promptly stood up with a newfound taste for blood coursing through her jaws.
Stahl watched from a nearby balcony as the pair of vampires embraced, then tucked the Rib of Dracula into the pocket of his suit. He had found it in a chest inside Robin's quarters, and was quite pleased with his success.
"Dark Metamorphosis!" Stahlucard screamed at the top of his lungs as he jumped off of the balcony, transformed into a swarm of bats, then flew off into the night sky.
The approach to Stahlucard's castle was crowded with trees and other foliage that blocked it from unwanted attention. If one were to get past the overgrowth of trees, then they would see a hauntingly magnificent castle that loomed against the glow of the moon.
Stahlucard stood before the wooden gates to his abode and raised his sword up high.
"Slice!" He yelled, and in one cleave he cut the massive gate into two chunks that fell apart. Sure, it was impractical to destroy one's own front door, but Stahlucard couldn't care less as he stepped inside his gloomy castle.
He was so carefree that he didn't notice he was followed by not one, but two interlopers. Both of which had noticed his escapades at the grand ball, but had different intentions of what to do with him.
After five minutes of silently moping through the halls of his castle, Stahlucard noticed a woman in a black dress watching him from the end of the hallway. "Wait a minute…" He spoke before the girl darted to her left and out of view. "Get back here!" Stahlucard sprinted down the hallways, and after every corner he took he was able to catch a glimpse of the girl before she disappeared through another corner.
After a brief chase, Stahlucard emerged into the dimly-lit ballroom of his castle, where the woman in black was waiting underneath the massive chandelier that hung above her. "Who are you and how did you find this place?"
"I am Tharia, a simple commoner from the nearby county. I noticed your devilishly handsome charm at the ball and simply had to follow you." Tharia tossed him a sultry smile as she strode towards him. Stahlucard fought to avert his eyes, but could only focus on how her pale chest almost fell out of her dress with every step she took. "What's the matter? Cat got your tongue?"
Was she some sort of succubi sent by his father to seduce him? Or was it that she was simply just an ordinary girl who had caught his eye with her jet-black hair and pale complexion?
"You're… You are quite beautiful, milady." Stahlucard felt as though his cheeks had caught flame when Tharia held the side of his head.
"Kiss me, you fool!" Tharia placed her smooth, succulent lips onto Stahlucard's, and at that instant, he knew what it felt like to be loved.
Or, at least he would've if an ax hadn't flown over their heads and crashed into the floor next to them.
"What?!" Stahlucard screamed in confused anger as he took a step back and looked to the raised platform that overlooked the balcony. Atop it was a man with blue hair who wore the medieval equivalent of a tank top and short shorts. "You! Chrimon Emblemont!" The Emblemont bloodline had been hunting Stahlucard and his ancestors for generations, and it seemed to Stahlucard that Chrimon was here to finish the job.
"Accursed beast! I'll rid you from this world myself!" Chrimon spoke as he proceeded to moonwalk down a flight of stairs until he stood before Stahlucard and Tharia.
"Well, if it isn't the local vampire killer." Stahlucard stretched his arms out to his sides and boasted at Chrimon. "How's it feel to be groomed for your whole life to do a simple job that a brain-dead commoner can do?"
"You shut your mouth! The Emblemont bloodline shall not be tarnished by simpletons like you!" Chrimon grabbed his whip and began to twirl it around in an attempt to be intimidating. "You and your kind are a blemish on the stainless glass of man!"
"What is a man?" Stahlucard materialized a wine glass in his hand and tossed it to the floor, where it shattered on impact. "A miserable little pile of secrets! But enough talk; have at you!"
As Stahlucard and Chrimon Emblemont lunged at each other with their fists clenched, the roof of the castle began to shake and rumble until something fell through. It was about the same size of the two men and landed at their feet with a thud. Because it was facing away from Stahlucard, he could only ascertain that it was a main wearing a red, oversized costume that had dreadlocks flowing behind it.
"Gaius?!" Chrimon asked as Gaius got to his feet and dusted his costume off. It wasn't until Chrimon noticed a white U-like shape on his chest. "Wait a minute… You're dressed as Knuckles!"
"Hey, it's me." Gaius held up his gloved hands which had two spikes where his knuckles should be. "Knuckles, the loveable echidna. Go f# $ yourself."
"Gaius, we're uh… We're trying to do something serious here." Stahlucard sighed as Gaius turned around to face him.
"Hey, Stahl, buddy. I know you're trying to impress your girlfriend with your edginess and all, but I'm just trying to have some fun with you larpers." Gaius whispered to him while Tharia began to walk away.
"We're not larping! I mean, I guess we technically are, but just… Shut up!" Stahlucard gritted his teeth and clenched his fists while Gaius smiled with the dopiest grin he could muster.
"Well, it's a shame that I already invited the rest of the group, and told them to force as many pop-culture references as I could." Gaius looked to the door, where he could see two figures emerging.
"Nice of the princess to invite us for another pop-culture reference, ey Cordeluigi?" Sumia emerged into the ballroom while wearing a Mario costume.
"Oh no." The despair in Stahl's voice was blatant, as he had already seen enough Youtube videos in 2007 to know where this was going.
"I hope she made lotsa spaghetti!" Cordelia followed Sumia and wore a Luigi costume. Stahl was quaking with rage as Gaius laughed uncontrollably.
"See? It's funny because it's stupid and random!" Gaius said.
"Can you just leave us alone alread-" Out of the corner of his eye, Stahl could see someone else approaching.
"You know what they say…" A man with white hair wearing a Bowser costume stepped into the scene. "All toasters toast toast!"
The last thing Stahl could hear as he woke up was the sounds of his friend's forced pop-culture references barraging his eardrums.
The interior of Stahl's room was brightened by the sunlight piercing his curtains to the left, and he could only groan as his eyelids slowly opened to reveal nothing but the black coloration of his pillow. Unfortunately, he had been dragged out of his fantastical dream where he was Stahlucard, son of Dracula and the prince of monsters. In the real world, he was just Stahl, a college sophomore who had to deal with real monsters, like student loan debt.
He dragged his head off of the pillow and saw Tharja staring into his eyes merely centimeters away from his face. Her pale skin gave off an ethereal vibe as she continued to stare at him.
"Oh, Jesus!" Stahl almost had a heart attack as Tharja pulled her head back. "W-were you watching me sleep?"
"Yes. Why is that a problem to you?" Tharja asked in her standard deadpan voice. Stahl and Tharja had been dating for a few months now, but there always was something… odd about her method of showing affection.
The best example of that was when she spent an hour staring at him in his calculus class through a window until he 'went to the bathroom' and kindly asked her to stop.
"It's just… weird." Stahl sighed as he wrapped his arms around Tharja's frame. He had to pick his words carefully, as to not upset her. "Like I tend to prefer it when you act more normal."
"Define 'normal'." Tharja raised her eyebrow in curiosity. She wasn't keen on the concept of altering her personality, but she also slightly cared that Stahl was creeped out.
"Like, you know… You never really hang out with any of the other Shepherds…" He tossed out an idea as he rested his hands on her smooth stomach.
"Would normal be like having a dinner date with your parents?" Tharja asked as the gears in her mind started to turn.
"Yeah, exactly. I'm not saying you have to change your personality or anything, but if you could just attempt." Stahl smiled as Tharja combed her hands through his wavy brown locks.
"I'll try." Tharja pressed her lips to his cheek. A few minutes of silent tranquility passed before Stahl got up and went to the bathroom.
While he was away, Tharja grabbed her phone off of her nightstand and began to scroll through her contacts, which only consisted of Stahl and her parents. She began to text her parents and ask what time she could bring Stahl over to have dinner because that was a normal thing that normal couples did.
A few hours later, Stahl sat on the couch while Tharja leaned her head onto his chest. It was a rather standard affair Saturday afternoon, and Stahl planned on doing nothing special at all. Other members of the Shepherds passed by and glanced at what they were watching, which was a show about the world's angriest chef yelling.
"They just got all quiet!" The voice of the angry chef from the television echoed around the house as Stahl and Tharja continued to watch in shocked awe. "None of you are working as a team!" Tharja was rather entranced by just how much rage this chef had.
"See, if I was the angry British man, I would instill fear in my underlings," Tharja spoke as Stahl combed his fingers through her silk-like hair.
"And how would you go about that?" Stahl asked with mild interest.
"Well, I would frequently wait in the closet with a mask. So when they open it, I would jump out at them and scream wildly. That way they know nothing is safe." Tharja's voice was disturbingly cold.
"Tharja, that's uh…" Stahl tugged at the collar of his shirt while Tharja placed her head on his lap.
"I'm just kidding. That would be a cruel thing to do." Tharja caught herself and realized that people normally didn't talk about psychological torture.
"Where is the lamb sauce?" The chef yelled. Tharja could only laugh at how genuinely mad he sounded. "Where's the lamb sauce?" He repeated his question, only now he continued to hold a 'U' sound as he yelled. "There's just nothing coming together!"
At this point, Stahl and Tharja were both laughing uncontrollably at how ridiculous the scene was. "F# $ off you, you fat useless sack of f# $ing yankee dankee doodle shi-"
"Okay, that's enough of that…" Stahl hurriedly changed the channel off of Kitchen Nightmares and onto something tamer, considering Ricken was watching from an armchair.
"Hey, that was just when it was about to get interesting!" Ricken protested as he folded his arms.
"Hey, I don't want to get a call from your parents because you repeated the filthy words you heard here today, alright?" Stahl tossed his a joking glance. Even though Ricken was the same general age as him, it was still entertaining to poke fun at the guy on his height alone.
Ricken groaned, then went back to being silent while the television began to display something more interesting.
"In the red corner, weighing approximately four-hundred pounds and with the personality of an angry brick, Hector the Spectre!" Stahl's attention was focused on the T.V, which displayed a shirtless man with a skeleton mask on a wrestling ring, before panning over to a new figure. "And in this corner, with the mood of an angry badger but the force of a raging typhoon, Eliwood the Conqueror!" The man with red hair began to boast out and draw the crowd's attention with his boasts and gestures.
"Why are these shirtless men fighting each other?" Tharja asked.
"Because who doesn't love a good-ol' slobberknocker?" Stahl smiled at her before looking back at the T.V.
"But what's this? From the shadows, a new challenger emerges! Ninian! The executioner!"
"I didn't know they had mixed-sex wrestling." Ricken pointed out that normally male wrestlers only wrestled with members of the same sex.
"By God! Ninian just suplexed Eliwood into last week! That man had a family!" Sure enough, the woman with blue hair who went by 'Ninian' had suplexed Eliwood and held him down as he struggled to get up. Her surprising strength was enough to make Hector back away and gaze on in fear. "And Eliwood is down for the count! Will Hector be able to surviv-" In a flash, Ninian wrapped her arms around Hector's neck and slammed him into the ground.
"Did that blue-haired lady just pull a stone-cold stunner on a buff skeleton man?" Chrom asked as he seated himself on the couch away from Tharja and Stahl.
"Wrestling is an art form, and you cannot convince me otherwise." Stahl jokingly responded back while the uproarious crowd from the wrestling match echoed out of the T.V.
"You know, that cooking show reminded me…" Tharja spoke as she pulled her head out of Stahl's lap. "I set up a dinner date for us and my parents."
"Wait, really?" Stahl thought she was joking. She had to be.
"We're having dinner with my parents tonight at seven." The way Tharja pronounced dinner and parents together sounded like a death knell to Stahl's ears.
"O-oh…" Stahl began to sweat profusely as Tharja stood up. "That's g-g-great…" He flashed a look of pure desperation to Chrom, who couldn't help but feel bad for the guy.
"Hey, Tharja. I think it's your turn to do the laundry." Chrom wasn't sure if it really was her turn but needed an excuse to talk to Stahl without her hearing.
"Fine." Tharja groaned and stood up before kissing Stahl on the cheek. After she had walked into the laundry room, Stahl pressed his head into his hands and let out a muffled scream.
"I'm assuming you're freaked out." Chrom attempted to smile as he sat next to Stahl and patted him on the back.
"I'm gonna screw it up. I'm gonna say something inappropriate and her parents are gonna hate me. I'm gonna-" Stahl had never been in a situation like this before, and the fear of the unknown was something he had faced all his life. He had no idea what kind of people Tharja's parents were like, or what kind of table etiquette to use around them.
"Stahl. Stahl!" Chrom firmly held Stahl the shoulders and locked eyes with him. "Snap out of it. You're gonna do fine." Chrom had been childhood friends with Stahl ever since they were both six, and if Chrom knew one thing that Stahl could do well, it was suck up to adults like nobody's business. "Trust me, if I can do fine around Olivia's uncle who's also our gym teacher, you can handle Tharja's parents."
Chrom noticed that Stahl still had a panicked look and thought of a different idea. "If you really want to, we could set up a fake dinner thing for you to practice in."
"That sounds like a good idea." Stahl looked much more relaxed and looked over to the laundry room. "But we can't let Tharja know. If she realizes I'm this freaked out over meeting her parents, she'll think I'm an idiot."
"I'll get someone to distract her." Chrom looked up to the second floor of the house and saw a certain someone with pink hair walking down the stairs. "Hey Olivia, could you come here for a second?"
"Sure. What do you need?" Olivia smiled brightly as she sat next to Chrom and held his hand.
"Could you take Tharja out of the house for the afternoon and do something with her?" Chrom asked.
"T-Tharja?" A look of panic flashed in Olivia's eyes. "But she's weird! She's always glaring at me and muttering things when we pass each other."
"Okay, listen." Chrom attempted to soothe her by placing his hand on her own. "If you do this, I'll let you pick what we watch for movie night tonight."
Olivia's eyes lit up like fireflies at the mere idea of forcing Chrom to watch mushy couples movies.
"Deal." She held her hand out and Chrom shook it. Chrom secretly hoped that she was going to throw him a curveball and choose Pacific Rim.
Olivia stood up, kissed Chrom on the cheek, then followed the direction Chrom pointed at, which lead her to the washroom.
Inside the small room was a washing machine and a drying machine, a large pile of clothes, and a woman with black hair who looked like she was bored out of her mind. "Do you need help with that?" Olivia asked in a meek tone as Tharja rolled her eyes and looked up.
"Why yes, I would love to have your help," Tharja spoke in an overly-sarcastic voice as Olivia sighed and started to help her throw the clothing into the washing machine.
"You know, did I ever do anything to you? Because you seem really unfriendly right now." Olivia asked.
"Or maybe it's just that I'm not comfortable around other people that aren't named Stahl." Tharja lifted a grayish shirt up and inspected it. It displayed the letters 'ACDC' but with a bolt of lightning between the first C and the D. "Is this yours?" Tharja tossed the shirt to Olivia.
"Why yes, actually." Olivia grabbed the shirt and held it up. "I was wondering where this had gone…"
"I didn't know you listened to rock music." Tharja had assumed that this girl's musical taste was that of a kindergartener, but was now intrigued.
"Oh yeah, back in high school I had a massive rock music phase. When my mom was teaching me how to drive, we would just put Pink Floyd on the radio to relax." Olivia spoke as she held her long-lost shirt in one hand and continued to throw clothing into the wash with the other.
Tharja's ears perked up at the mere mention of Pink Floyd, which she had spent many hours of her youth listening to.
"What's your favorite song from Pink Floyd?" Tharja was sure that Olivia would never be able to guess her favori-
"Definitely Welcome to the Machine," Olivia answered and Tharja's eyes lit up.
"I love that song!" Tharja responded back with a much more friendly tone. "You know, you seem more tolerable now that I know your taste in music isn't awful pop songs."
"You know, after we finish this, there's a store downtown that has some nice band merchandise we could get." As Olivia and Tharja continued to make small talk, the pile of clothing they had to clean was growing smaller and smaller.
"I would, but I don't have any cash." Tharja was sure that she would be done with this chore in a few minutes. Plus, there was some new promise to be found in Olivia. It is normal for people her age to have more than one friend, so Tharja figured she had nothing to lose.
"I've got some money to spare. Come on, it's only a short walk away from here." Olivia tossed the last of the clothing into the washing machine, set the machine to run on normal, then put on her AC/DC shirt.
Stahl watched with delight as Tharja and Olivia both walked out of the washing room and out the front door. He also noticed that Olivia was wearing an AC/DC shirt.
"I didn't know your girlfriend listened to rock." Stahl nudged Chrom with his elbow.
"Oh yeah, totally. She has Dark Side of the Moon set for her alarm every morning." Chrom was able to recognize the opening of that song with pin-point accuracy just from how many times he had been woken up by it.
After several hours of rigorous training and going through every scenario that could happen, Chrom thought that Stahl deserved one final test to see if he was ready to have dinner with Tharja's parents.
As Stahl sat at the kitchen table of the Shepherd's house, he looked around and saw what was supposed to be representations of Tharja and her parents. Across the table was Robin and Cordelia, who both acted as Tharja's parents with folded arms and angry glares.
Or at least, they tried to look angry, because they had been woken up from their sleep and looked as though they desperately wanted to go back to it. Sumia sat at Stahl's side and did her best impression of Tharja, which consisted of sighing every minute and rolling her eyes whenever she sighed.
*"Now then, let us begin." Chrom stood at the side of the table with a packet of flashcards in his hand. "You've pulled the chairs out for everyone, and a steak is now on your plate. What do you do?"
"Hold my silverware in the correct manner, cut the steak into small pieces, and chew with my mouth closed." Stahl held his cutlery between his index finger and his middle finger, then pretended to cut into the imaginary food.
"Correct. Now, Tharja's mother asks you how you met her daughter. Your response?" Chrom asked.
"How did you meet my daughter?" Cordelia asked as her eyes focused onto Stahl. Even though she was acting, Stahl had to admit she could be incredibly intimidating when she wanted to.
"Well, it was a rather beautiful night, and I found her sitting underneath a bountiful apple tree. I walked up to her, asked her to dance, and we embraced underneath the glow of the moonlight." Stahl smiled as he spoke.
"An artfully crafted lie. Moving on," Chrom flipped to the next notecard and realized now was where the more… 'nonsensical' scenarios came into play. "Uh oh. Tharja's hypothetical little brother just burst in and is now screaming."
Ricken ran into the kitchen and began to sprint around the table.
"Roar! I love Minecraft, and I really love Pewdiepie!" Ricken shouted as he ran, and Robin had to fight the urge to laugh uncontrollably. "Hey mister, what's your favorite Deviantart Sonic the Hedgehog original character?" Ricken looked up to Stahl's eye level as he stood next to his chair.
"I've always been a fan of Alberto the Foxhog. Now go buy yourself a lollipop, sport." Stahl handed Ricken a single dollar bill then watched as Ricken ran off.
"Very well done. Now, you hear a knock on the door. You answer it, and…" Chrom spoke.
"Did I hear someone insult the Emperor?" Kellam entered the kitchen while he wore a space marine helmet that he borrowed from Ricken.
"A space marine has traveled through time itself to find the source of local heresy. How do you plead?" Chrom asked and took a step back as Kellam leaned over the table.
"Not heretical." Stahl maintained a straight face and was surprised that Chrom even knew what he was referencing at this point. "If you like, you may search this house for any filthy parchments of heresy."
"I'll be the judge of that…" Kellam spoke as he walked around the kitchen and inspected every surface of the kitchen until he was sure the Emperor's name was not used in vain. "Well, I see no evidence of heresy. Praise be to the Emperor, and have a good evening." Kellam left as Chrom filed through his notes.
"Alright, now that the heresy inspector has left, Tharja's mother serves you a slice of pizza. As you take a bite into the succulent Italian dish… it springs to life and starts flirting with Tharja!" Chrom spoke as Gaius entered. He wore a shirt with an illustration of pizza on it.
"Hey, it's me, a pizza. Go f# $ yourself." Gaius walked up to Sumia and placed his hands on her shoulders. "Hey there baby. I'd like to taste your pepperonis." Sumia fought the urge to laugh.
"The pizza is wielding a sword. What will you do?" Chrom raised his eyebrow at Stahl.
"I grab a lance and engage the pizza." Stahl lifted a wooden lance off the ground while Gaius held a stick in his right hand.
"Yes. Lances beat swords. Now, you have a seventy percent chance to hit the pizza for fifteen damage. Will you go for it?" Chrom asked.
"Definitely." Stahl lightly tapped Gaius with his lance.
"You miss," Chrom spoke.
"Didn't count, loser." Gaius laughed and mocked Stahl.
"Now, the pizza hits you with a one percent attack and damages you for ten health points," Chrom spoke and realized he should probably use a dice simulator on his phone.
"That's bullcrap!" Stahl protested as Gaius tapped him with his stick. "Who made this stupid luck-based system?"
"I don't know; I based it off of some old game I found on Wikipedia. Anyway," Chrom figured he should throw Stahl a bone. "Because you've activated your skill 'Hissy-fit', you now have a critical chance of one-hundred percent."
"I attack," Stahl spoke and again tapped Gaius with his stick.
"You deal a critical blow and kill the pizza." As Chrom finished his sentence, Stahl erupted into joy.
"My one regret… is that I was never blessed by Papa John himself…" Gaius fell onto the floor and closed his eyes.
"You have defeated the beast of Italian cuisine, and now stand ready for the final obstacle." Chrom held the last note card in his hand and looked to Stahl, who seated himself at the table. "You face the one question that every young man dreads to hear…"
"What are your intentions with my daughter?" Robin and Cordelia both asked as they slumped over on the table in exhaustion.
"Bust a nu-" Stahl spoke without thinking and covered his mouth before he could finish. Robin, Sumia, and Cordelia all leaned in closer to him. "Bust a nutritional can of apple cider open and give it to her with no sexual subtext whatsoever."
Chrom smiled as he patted Stahl on the shoulder. That was the end of his training. "How did I do?" Stahl asked as he got out of his seat while Sumia, Cordelia, and Robin clapped for him.
"The student has become the master. You're ready." The very instant Chrom finished speaking, the front door swung open while Tharja and Olivia walked in. They were both now wearing Led Zeppelin t-shirts. "You two look like you had fun," Chrom spoke as they ran into the living room.
"There's a lady who's sure! All that glitters is gold! And she's buying a stairway to heaven!" Olivia and Tharja both sang at the top of their lungs.
"They're singing Stairway to Heaven, aren't they?" Cordelia sighed as Robin covered his ears.
"Off-key, too," Robin groaned. Stahl couldn't care less about how bad their singing voices were because all he could focus on was how happy Tharja was.
The drive to the house of Tharja's parents was a rather uneventful five minutes, save for Tharja blasting Def Leppard songs over the radio and singing along. Stahl had to admit there was a newfound sense of confidence in her voice.
The sky above had a dark glow to it as Stahl pulled his car into the driveway of what appeared to be Tharja's home. It was a rather nice two-story house with a brick exterior and a small rose garden at the side of the front door. Stahl exited his car, held Tharja's hand for support, and knocked on the front door.
The door swung open to reveal a woman with white hair. Her face looked as though she was forty years old, but her body looked as though she was thirty. She smiled brightly and clapped for joy as she noticed Stahl.
"Oh, what a strapping young lad you are." The woman shook Stahl's hand while Tharja glared at her. "My name is Aversa, and I am Tharja's adoptive mother. Tharja already told me a great deal about you."
"No, I did no-" Tharja muttered under her breath before Aversa turned around.
"Gangrel! Tharja brought a boy home!" Aversa yelled into the house. Stahl could see a staircase behind her.
"Wait, really?" A voice sounded from upstairs. "Hold on, I'll be right there." Soon after, a man with curly red hair ran down the staircase. Stahl assumed that he was Aversa's wife, Gangrel. He looked to be the same age as Aversa. "Heavens, you look like a good kid."
"It's a pleasure to meet you both." Stahl smiled as Tharja rolled her eyes, again.
"Oh, and such nice manners, too." Aversa was practically jumping for joy as she held Gangrel's hand. "You really know how to pick a good one, Tharja."
Tharja's cheeks were bright red as she shoved Gangrel and Aversa out of the way.
"Let's just get this over with…" She spoke in a very harsh tone as she strode into the dining room. Even though she felt a twinge of nostalgia from her childhood home, she detested being around her parents.
"You'll have to excuse her… She always gets this way whenever we're near her." Gangrel flashed Stahl a meek smile then followed Tharja into the dining room. Aversa followed motioned for Stahl to join them.
After they had all sat down at the table, Aversa had set out a platter of hot pockets.
"Sorry about the lack of fancy meals," Aversa spoke as she seated herself next to Gangrel. "We had to scramble to find something from our short notice."
"Hey, free food is free food." Stahl smiled and shrugged his shoulders. He looked to his left and saw that Tharja had her head buried in her hands. What confused him about her behavior was that she was the one who set this whole dinner with her parents up.
"I like how you think." Gangrel smiled as he shoved an entire half of a hot pocket into his mouth. Stahl noticed that although Gangrel and Aversa chewed with their mouths shut, like any self-respecting adult, he didn't hold his silverware in the 'proper' manner. In fact, the entire dinner had an air of informality that Stahl appreciated.
"So how did you and Tharja meet?" Aversa asked before taking a bite out of her food.
"Well we saw eachot-" Before Stahl could craft some artful lie, Tharja interrupted him.
"His friend with blue hair set us up after I snuck into their vacation resort." Tharja lightly tapped her hot pocket with her finger before pushing it away in a disgusted manner.
"So that's why you were missing after we had that family vacation." Gangrel laughed to himself and continued to work on his food. "Well, I guess we can't all have our soul mates wear glass slippers and meet us underneath the moonlight. Did I mention I met Aversa at Walmart?"
"Briefly working as a meet-and-greeter has its benefits." Aversa laughed to herself as she stood up and walked to the space behind Gangrel. "I'll always remember how dashing you looked…" She placed her hands on Gangrel's shoulders and began to massage his back.
"I was half-drunk and you know it." Gangrel shut his eyes and felt his stress practically wash off his body as he rested his head on Aversa's stomach.
"Well, that means you're handsome even when you're not sober." Aversa continued the rhythmic back-and-forth motion of her hands as she bent her head down and kissed Gangrel on his cheek.
Stahl watched in discomfort as Gangrel and Aversa continued to make out as though they were unwatched. Maybe this was why Tharja never brought up her parents, due to how 'affectionate' they were.
Tharja, on the other hand, had a slightly different approach to handling her parent's disgusting public displays of affection.
"If you two want to keep embarrassing me, then by all means keep going!" Tharja yelled as she slammed her hands onto the table, stood up, and stormed off. Without sparing a second thought, Stahl hurried after her.
"Tharja! Wait!" Aversa and Gangrel jumped up and motioned as though to follow her, but remained still when Stahl walked after her.
"I think we scared them off…" Aversa sighed as she sat back in her chair. She always hated it whenever Tharja got mad like this, and only had herself to blame for it.
Whereas Tharja was moving through the house with a fast, race-walking pace, Stahl was following after her at a walking pace. As such, he wasn't sure which room she was in. He passed through the living room and several hallways until he stood before a door that had Tharja's name written on it in colorful foam letters.
"Tharja? Are you in here?" Stahl knocked on the door then waited for a response.
"Come in," Tharja responded from inside her room. Stahl expected her voice to be interrupted by her sobbings, but instead, she just sounded very, very mad. Stahl pushed the door open to reveal a room lined with various posters of rock bands and Tharja sitting on a bed with her arms folded.
Stahl got to his knees in front of Tharja and looked into her eyes, which could almost kill him with their intensity. "Are you alright?"
"Yes, I'm fine… I just..." Tharja stared deep into Stahl's eyes, and her rage seemed to subside. "You wanted me to be normal, and now you saw my parents make out like they were high-schoolers!"
Stahl seated himself on the bed next to her and placed his arm on her shoulders. "You must think I'm a freak."
"What? No, no." Stahl attempted to soothe her while she rested her head on his shoulder. "If anything I think you did a great job at trying and succeeding at being normal. Asking you to change was a stupid thing to do."
"You mean that?" Tharja asked.
"Yes, I cannot appreciate enough that you tried, even though my request was dumb." Stahl held her tightly in an embrace. "But no matter how much you change, I still love you."
"Aww, that's so mushy I might choke…" Tharja smiled back at him. "I love you too."
Stahl and Tharja both looked up to see Aversa and Gangrel waiting in the doorway. They both felt so guilty about humiliating Tharja that they wanted to apologize.
"I'm so sorry, dear. We had no idea we were embarrassing you, and we're really, really sorry." Aversa spoke as she walked up to her daughter and hugged her. Stahl got off the bed and took a few steps back. "We'll try and make sure we don't do it again."
"Thank you." Tharja's voice was muffled as she spoke through her mother's chest. Gangrel joined in on the group hug because he too felt guilty.
Half an hour later, Tharja and Stahl had said their goodbyes and were ready to go when Gangrel and Aversa approached Stahl.
"Excuse me, Stahl?" Gangrel asked as he outstretched his hand out.
"Yes?" Stahl replied as he turned around and shook Gangrel's hand.
"I just wanted to let you know how relieved I am after hearing that Tharja got a boyfriend." Gangrel looked over Stahl's shoulder to see Tharja waiting at his car with a delightful look on her face. "I was worried that she would get with some asinine punk or some other miscreant, but you've really exceeded my expectations."
"T-thank you, sir." Stahl's cheeks flushed a bright shade of red as he spoke. He never expected Tharja's parents to praise him for not adjusting his behavior whatsoever or doing anything to impress them. "Is there, um, is there anything you need to improve on?"
"Well, as long as Tharja's happy, we're happy." Aversa smiled as she shook Stahl's hand. Stahl smiled with glee as he walked away and waved to Tharja's parents as he got into his car.
"Have fun you kids! Don't drink too heavily, alright?" Gangrel and Aversa called out as Stahl's car turned to face the exit of their driveway. Tharja rolled down the window from her seat next to Stahl's.
"No promises!" She smiled as she yelled out to her parents, who laughed in response while Stahl's car drove off into the night.
After a rather short drive that consisted of Stahl and Tharja silently pondering what had just occured, they got back to the Shepherd's house and walked through the front door to escape the chilly night air. Inside the living room was Chrom and Olivia, who were busy huddling together on the couch. The light of the television they were watching highlighted their tired looks.
"Burp, Charlie, burp!" The character in the movie they were watching yelled.
They were so entranced by the movie, that they didn't notice when Stahl and Tharja seated themselves on the couch.
"Hey, Chrom?" Stahl looked over to notice that Chrom had slumped over onto Olivia's lap, and Olivia was snoring while her head rested on the back pillows of the couch. "Dinner with Tharja's parents went pretty alright."
"That's grrrrrrreat to hearrrr, Staaaaaaaahl." Chrom spoke with a drawn-out and weary voice as he slowly opened his eyes, only to shut them again.
"I knew you could doooooooo it..." Olivia fell over on her side as she talked as he head landed on the seating cushions.
As Chrom and Olivia slept like newborn infants, Tharja and Stahl watched whatever movie they were watching
For the first time in a long while, she felt normal. Not strange, or disgusted, or smitten by some stranger with white hair. Just normal.
One thing I've wanted to do is one-shots about the various ships introduced in Make Her Fall For You in a College Semester, instead of just having a bloated story full of ships that a viewer interested in Robin X Cordelia might not be interested in. This is the obvious result of that idea.