A/N: What's up, people? I'm bored, so here's a little crackish one-shot for ya.
Oh and just to put this out there, today is my one year anniversary on fanfiction! 5/7/13, Whoot!
Anyway, I hope you enjoy the story :)
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
"Apples! Get your apples! Fresh and sweet!" Claire announced on the street corner, a barrel of the fruit at her side.
The old man of the villiage, Saibara, approached her. "Hello, Claire, how've you been?" he asked.
The blonde smiled. "Just fine, thanks. Oh, but where's Gray?"
"That pansy? He's sick as a dog, couldn't handle the extra worked I dumped on him."
Claire smiled as she handed him an apple. "Well you know what they say: an apple a day keeps the doctor away."
The doctor, who happened to be walking by, gritted his teeth and turned in Claire's direction. "WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE SO INTENT ON PUTTING ME OUT OF BUISINESS?" he yelled, turning red in the face with rage before he stomped off.
"Huh," Claire mumbled. "That was weird."
The doctor then stomped back, kicked over Claire's barrel, pushed down the old man, and stomped away again.
Ah, good old fits of rage. Good thing there are no police in Mineral Town.
That night, the doctor/Trent/Tim/whatever, was tossing and turning in his sleep. He was having a horrific dream about apples with machetes who tore down his clinic and murdered his children, which was strange because he didn't have any kids. He awoke in a cold sweat when he heard a banging on his door.
"Who's there?" he called out.
"This is the police!" was the response he got. "Come out with your hands up!"
Trent only laughed. "Do you think I'm stupid? It says right up there on the screen that there are no police in this town!"
The door was then broken down and a tidal wave of apples flooded into his home. The fruit completely covered the floor, but it just kept on coming, apple after apple, until Trent was up to his waist in the fruit.
"Aah!" He screamed. "What is this?"
"Your punishment, Trent…" A mystical sounding voice called. "Punishment for knocking over my apples."
"You're apples?" Trent's eyes grew wide in realization. "You mean that you're…"
"That's right!" Claire cackled as she emerged from the shadows. "I – Claire – am actually the supreme overlord of all apples, and am here to enact my horrible revenge!"
"You'll never get away with this!" the doctor spat, now shoulder deep in apples.
"Oh, but I already have! Take a look," Claire gestured to the window that somehow was free of apples. Outside, there was a mob of villagers holding signs that said things like, "Save the apples, destroy the doctor" and "In soviet Russia, Trent doesn't knock down apples, apples knock down Trent!"
The doctor gulped. "So wait… Nobody's mad at me for pushing down a defenseless elderly person?"
Claire laughed. "Of course not!"
"And nobody's mad that I've been giving out fake meds in order to get more business?"
"What?"
"Nothing."
Claire rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Now, on to the sacrifice!" Trent was promptly tied up on a fallen branch and held over a large bonfire. The other villagers encircled the flames, joined hands, and started chanting "Sacrifice! Sacrifice!"
The doctor struggled in his binds. "No, please! You can't do this!"
"Sure we can," Claire smirked.
"Well who are you sacrificing me to?"
"Uh…" Claire thought. "The Harvest Goddess!"
"Aha!" Trent cheered. "That means you can't burn me, you have to throw me into her pond!"
Claire frowned. "Crap."
Popuri spoke up from the circle. "Then why don't we sacrifice him to a different god or goddess?"
Everyone else gasped. "There is only one Goddess, and that is me!" called the Harvest Goddess who appeared above the fire. "Now get out of this story, you OOC little punk."
"But everyone else is OOC too!" Popuri protested.
"Out," the Harvest Goddess ordered. Suddenly, a loud scream came from nowhere. "What was that?" our friendly neighborhood goddess asked.
"It's the fourth wall!" Cliff said, even though he has played no part in this story up until now. "It's been badly hurt! We need a doctor!" Everyone turned to Trent.
"I shall repair this 'fourth wall'…" he calmly stated, "if you do exactly as I say." He was promptly released from his binds and he set to work. "Everyone act like you do in the game!" he ordered.
"Uh…" Claire began, "la lala lala I'm farming."
"Tra la la I'm goddess-ing!" sang the Harvest Goddess.
"La lala lala I'm being a minor character that no one cares about…" mumbled that one character whose name escapes me.
And then the fourth wall exploded because of pretty much everything in this story; and through the hole where the wall used to be, flooded in popular culture, politics, and Snuggies. The Harvest Moon characters were forced to seek refuge in a cave where they sacrificed Trent to the internet in an attempt to survive.
Did they survive? No one lives to tell the tale… so it's pretty much safe to assume they all died. I don't know, maybe they were eaten by bears… or Nikki Minaj… I'm betting on the second option.
And that, children, is why you don't sell fruit on street corners or verbally destroy the fourth wall; it makes bad things happen. Entertainingly bad things.