Vengeance is a Dish Best Served Macho
Chapter One: The Breakout
It was a dark night in the prison cell. Barely any light shone through the slim metal bars of the tiny room. If anyone had been walking past the cell, they would have thought that it was a monster rather than a human being imprisoned there, judging by the occasional flashes of thick purple fur and unfeeling brown eyes they would have surely glimpsed there. But it was not in fact a terrible beast that resided within the cold gray walls of that jail cell-it was the infamous Mexican supervillain El Macho.
"I can't believe they did this to me! Just when I was about to send Gru and that little chick down that volcano-what happens? They knock me out with that lipstick taser and the next thing I know, I wake up in this jail cell with a life sentence! How could they possibly do this to me?" El Macho ranted, pacing up and down the cell as though he were in fact a caged animal. The only person around to listen was his pet chicken El Pollito, who merely nodded in sympathy.
It had been almost six months since El Macho had suffered a humiliating defeat at the hands of the infamous supervillain Gru and his entire family. The plan had been going so perfectly-all the Minions were under his control, he had kidnapped Gru's then-girlfriend Lucy to blackmail him, and he had transformed into a powerful Purple Creature. Just when things were about to get good, the plan that he had worked on for so long tipped over like bowling pins being run through with a leaden bowling ball.
He still hadn't figured out how Gru had foiled his plans with a measly lipstick taser, two Minions, and a bushel of seemingly ordinary jam. The more El Macho thought about it, the more ridiculously everything seemed to have played out. How could Gru just come along and spoil a plan that had bubbled in the recesses of his villainous mind for years in the span of an hour or two? There had to be some kind of big secret hidden up Gru's black-clad sleeve. He could think of no other explanation as to how Gru had the capability to think on the fly and crush his plan to dust, like a rock smashing dried flower petals into powder.
El Macho sighed and sat down in the corner, holding his huge machismo head in his hands. "He must have conspired with the police to capture me…I can't understand how else he could have done it. It's just not fair….what have they done with my little Antonio? They can't have put him in jail too, could they? Or did Gru take him away from me as well?"
The thought of his beloved son being adopted by Gru was far too much for El Macho to bear. He leapt to his feet, growling savagely, and punched his fist into the air. "I WILL NOT LET YOU TAKE MY SON AWAY! If you think you've seen the last of me, old amigo…well…you have severely underestimated the power of El Macho! Just because I've been out of touch with the supervillain world for a few years doesn't mean you can mess with me and get out of it alive!"
El Pollito squawked and beat the air with her wings in agreement. She felt something poke her belly and began to waddle around the cell, searching for a place to lay her next egg in. Just as she had settled down in a dark corner, a crazed gibbering noise disturbed her. She narrowed her eyes and cocked her head, listening intently. The babbling sound came again. El Pollito glanced up at the bars of their cell and noticed an unkempt head of purple hair bobbing up and down outside the window.
El Pollito clucked, got up, and scuttled over to peck El Macho in the leg. "What is it, sweet little chicken?" El Macho asked. El Pollito squawked again and pointed her head in the direction of the window. El Macho followed her gaze and started when he saw the purple Minion scrambling to climb into their cell. "Is that what I think it is? But no, it can't POSSIBLY be! Gru destroyed all of my beautiful Minions…didn't he?" El Macho asked in bewilderment.
The purple Minion let out a screech and began to gnaw away at the bars of the cell window. In less than ten minutes, the bars were little more than tiny iron filings scattered on the floor. The Minion grinned, showing its pointy canine teeth, and let itself into the cell. It saluted El Macho, and much to the hairy villain's amazement, the Minion walked over to the door and started to chew on it as well. Was this a form of escape? Or was it only a cruel trick concocted by some diabolical mastermind working with the prison?
"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING IN THERE?!" boomed one of the prison guards outside the cell. The purple Minion only cackled, evilly rubbing its tiny gloved hands together. It threw itself at the door, attacking it as ferociously as a rabid dog. A few minutes later, it had carved out a hole with its teeth large enough for El Macho and his pet chicken to pass through.
"Oh, I can't believe it! We're finally free! I can't thank you enough for this, amigo," El Macho said gratefully. The purple Minion slobbered happily. It gestured to the hole with an exaggerated sweeping motion of its arm. El Macho sucked in his stomach, grabbed El Pollito under his arm, and ducked through the hole. It took a bit of squirming and shoving from the purple Minion, but eventually El Macho was able to squeeze his way out of his lightless prison.
The guard standing outside the door looked incredibly shocked at seeing the furry purple prisoner and the vicious poultry escape. The guard was even more surprised when the purple Minion popped out of the hole and sat down at El Macho's feet. "W-what the….how'd you…that should be impossible! And the chicken too and this…..THING…" stuttered the guard. He snatched the nightstick off his belt and prepared to wield it against El Macho, but he didn't get the opportunity to do so.
El Pollito flapped her wings frantically and launched herself on top of the prison guard's head. "Hey! Get off me!" the guard complained. El Pollito simply slapped him with her wing and forcefully laid her egg on top of his head. El Macho joined in, swinging his fist and socking the guard right in the jaw. The guard moaned and fell to the ground in a heap. He had a huge bump on his forehead and a gigantic bruise forming on his jaw. Fascinated, the purple Minion scurried over to the guard. He poked him in the nose but the guard did not respond. He was out like a broken lightbulb.
El Macho grinned from ear to ear. His escape was going well so far. "Come on! Let's go! We can't let them capture us NOW!" El Macho cried. He flew down the hallway as swiftly as an Olympic runner with El Pollito and the purple Minion puffing along at his heels. He skidded down the hallway and made a sharp turn to the right. Unfortunately, both the chicken and the Minion smashed into the wall in front of them. They were forced to stay still for several moments as they recovered from their collision.
The dazed Minion muttered something under its breath and got to its feet, brushing off its dusty black overalls. One of the guards for the prison, who was snoring in front of a convict's cell, was woken by the babble and started upon seeing the two befuddled subordinates staring at the wall. He shouted to alert the other guards of the escape. It wasn't long before a whole squad of prison security was chasing after El Pollito and the purple Minion.
El Macho, unaware of the commotion that his chicken and the Minion had caused, threw his bulky weight against a heavy door. It flew off its hinges and hit another door in front of him, knocking it flat to the ground. "Muy bien! I made it!" El Macho crowed. He barreled through the doors and was about to search the nearby parking lot for a car he could hijack when he noticed the troop of guards charging out with El Pollito and the Minion in the lead.
"Oh no….this can't be happening!" El Macho groaned. There was only one thing left for him to do. Standing tall before the guards, he flexed his rippling biceps and let out a bone-chilling roar. The guards skidded to a halt, causing them to topple over like dominos. Quick as a blink, El Macho picked up one of the fallen doors and threw it at the pile of guards. It hit several of them in the head, knocking them out. The guards who weren't hit were fairly stunned as well.
El Macho picked up El Pollito again and stormed into the parking lot before he lost his chance. Two minutes later, as the guards were picking themselves up off the floor, El Macho sped out of the prison with a stolen police car with El Pollito and the Minion riding on top, waving cheerfully at the guards. "Hasta la vista!" he called, beaming. Before the prison security guards could enter their own vehicles and trail after him, El Macho vanished into the night.
…..
Felonius Gru casually sipped his coffee as he scanned the newspaper for any interesting tidbits of information. He flicked impatiently through the pages, briefly skimming each headline that he encountered. Crime Rate Jumps Up Seventy-five Percent; Old Lady Fined for Parking Meter Mishap; Crazy Bearded Man Kidnaps Tiny Chihuahua...
Gru chuckled at this last headline and halfheartedly began to peruse the article. However, it wasn't until he flipped back to the front page that he saw the most attention-worthy headline of all: Purple Furry Mexican Busts Out of Jail Cell with the Help of a Chicken and a Tiny Purple Terror.
"Vhat on Earth?" Gru wondered aloud, bringing the paper up close to his face. He read the headline again, feeling a firm knot of apprehension form in his stomach. He was hoping that the article wasn't what he was afraid it was. Anxiously, he started to read the first line and nearly gasped. Late last night at the town prison, Prisoner 472, also known as Eduardo Perez, broke out of his jail cell using the most unusual getaway technique ever known to policemen: enlisting the aid of a small chicken and an unidentified rabid purple creature.
Gru's hands trembled, causing the paper to vibrate like a windblown leaf. His eyes grew wider and wider as he read the article until they resembled two white saucers with a drop of steel blue in the middle by the time he read the last line. A drop of sweat formed on his bald forehead and slid off the tip of his pointed nose.
This was the worst news he had ever seen in the paper in his entire life. It couldn't have come at a worse time, too-right after he had gotten married and had begun to settle into the pattern of idyllic family life once again. If El Macho was on the loose, then his entire family was at stake. And for Gru, that was the most horrible thing in the entire world.
Gru took a deep breath and tried to stop his shivering. Faking an unfazed demeanor, he picked up his mug of coffee and took a tiny sip from it. As soon as he swallowed the bitter brown liquid, his throat went tight and he began to cough. His wife Lucy immediately noticed her husband choking. She gave Gru a humongous slap on the back, causing Gru to spit the coffee out all over the table.
"Hey, you've got a coffee stain on your loco polo," Lucy whispered, winking.
Gru hurriedly tried to wipe the brown splotch off his grey turtleneck to no avail. "Forget about ze coffee! ZIS is what you should be freaking out about!" Gru cried, picking up the paper and jabbing frantically at the article. The headline was difficult to read, as it was almost completely covered by a huge coffee blot, but Lucy was able to make it out nonetheless.
"Dad? What's wrong?" Edith asked through a mouthful of syrupy waffles.
Gru looked down at his daughter and gave her a strained smile. "Oh, it's nothing. Just a silly leetle headline in ze newspaper, zat's all."
"Then how come you spit coffee all over the table?" Edith demanded, unsatisfied with her father's answer. She knew by the expression on Gru's face that there was more to the story than just an upsetting headline in the newspaper.
"Is it something about Margo's boyfriend?" Agnes inquired. Margo flinched and gave her littlest sister a long, hard stare over the breakfast table.
Around the same time as Gru had met Lucy while he had begun work for the AVL, Margo had fallen in love with a boy named Antonio who happened to be the son of the man Gru was tracking down in the Paradise Mall, El Macho. They'd been a couple for a short while, but Antonio had broken her heart by dancing with another girl at El Macho's Cinco de Mayo celebration. Ever since then, the mere mention of boys was enough to make Margo angry.
"Vell...in a way, I suppose it is," Gru admitted.
"Really?" Agnes exclaimed. "Are you worried that they're going to get back together again?"
"AGNES!" Margo scolded. "I'm not going to get back together with HIM again! I told you a thousand times: I hate boys!"
Agnes' head fell dejectedly. She stared quietly at her breakfast plate for several moments before she spoke again. "So if you hate boys now, does that mean that you hate Dad?"
Margo stared into space thoughtfully for several moments before she answered her sister. "No, I don't hate him because he came back for us after he gave us back to Miss Hattie. I didn't think he really meant it…but when he told us it was the worst mistake he ever made, I knew he really loved us. And…well…I hate to admit this, but…he was right to want to protect me from Antonio. I didn't think he should've adopted us when we first came to his house…but I'm really glad it worked out like that. If I ever fall in love with another boy again, I hope that he's as brave and kind and smart as Dad is."
Gru tried to gulp down the lump in his throat, but he couldn't stop the tears from welling up in his eyes. He could never have imagined in his wildest dreams that Margo would ever her admit her love for him in such a true and beautiful way, but it was the best thing he had ever heard someone say about him in his life. There were no doubts about it now. He had done the right thing by adopting the girls, and the bond that he shared with them that Margo had confirmed was the most precious thing in his life. It could never be broken, now or in the future, no matter what might come their way.
Almost impulsively, Gru opened up his arms and drew Margo into a warm hug. "I love you too, Margo," whispered Gru. Margo smiled back at him, and Gru noticed that she also seemed to be tearing up.
"Hey, what about me?" Edith complained.
"Oh, vell, okay…you too," said Gru. Edith barreled into his arms like a wild monkey and squeezed Gru's neck so hard that his eyes almost popped out of his head. A few seconds later, Agnes squiggled her way into the hug, gripping Gru's leg like a cat climbing up a tree.
"A leetle looser with ze hugs there," Gru gasped. The girls grinned and slowly loosened their iron grip on Gru. Gru sighed with relief. "Zat's much better."
Unfortunately for Gru, Lucy ran over to him and squeezed him so tight that he almost threw up. "Your daughters are so adorable!" Lucy shrieked in his ear. Gru squinted painfully. His ear was ringing and Lucy's hug was tighter than the hugs of all three girls combined. He just hoped the Minions wouldn't come in and decide to join them as well.
As though they could read his mind, all 10,400 Minions filed into the room and stood staring blankly at the family tangle in the kitchen. "Whaa-?" the Minions chorused. They looked at Gru in confusion, searching for an explanation.
Gru took one look at them and immediately went pale. "Oh no, not you too!" he complained. The Minions giggled and scurried into the kitchen. They pounced eagerly on top of the group hug, knocking everybody to the ground.
"Gru! What on Earth is going on in here?" Dr. Nefario asked as he stormed into the room.
"Oh, nothing, just a leetle….family hug," Gru stammered. He plucked a Minion off his sweater and got to his feet, blushing in embarrassment.
"Well, that's nice. But tell me: Did you hear about El Macho's escape? It was all over the news this morning!" Dr. Nefario exclaimed. "It's a catastrophe! Everyone's been hiding in their houses and police are putting up wanted signs and everything! What are we going to do about it?"
"So El Macho's back ALREADY?" Edith exclaimed. "That's so awesome! So are we going to shoot him with jelly or something? That was so fun last time! Can we please go back to his lair and bring the jelly guns with us? Please, Dad?"
"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! I am NOT having you go back to El Macho! You'll get yourselves killed!" Gru vetoed vehemently. He knew that his daughters would be kidnapped or worse if they were allowed back into El Macho's extravagant Mexican mansion. Having his family put in grave danger was one of the few things that Gru would gladly give his life for before allowing to happen.
While Gru, the girls, and Dr. Nefario argued about what they should do, Lucy calmly took her phone out of her pocket and punched in a number. She held it up to her ear and waited patiently for the phone to finish dialing.
"Yes, Silas?" she spoke into the phone. She waited for a few moments while a male voice with a snobby British accent answered her on the other end. "Yes, I know, El Macho's out there! It's exciting! What should we do about it? Paradise Mall again?" she squealed.
Apparently, Silas didn't share her eagerness about the prison breakout. He went into a heated, drawn-out rant before allowing Lucy to speak again. "Yes, I know, Silas, there's always the possibility that we might not come out of this alive. But remember, I have a flamethrower, a mild moose tranquilizer, and a brand-new lipstick taser that Gru got me for our six-month anniversary! Wasn't that sweet of him?" she exclaimed.
Gru overheard Lucy's comment and smiled privately to himself. A few weeks ago, he and Lucy had wanted to do a little something for the upcoming six-month anniversary of their first date, which was something of a victory to them both. For Gru, the anniversary meant that he had been a successful husband for almost a year and that he had done the right thing by asking Lucy out on that first date. For Lucy, it was a small triumph in motherhood and the first time she'd met a man that she didn't have to use a tranquilizer dart on.
Both of them were excited, but try as he might, Gru hadn't been able to find anything that he felt would show Lucy how important this big day was for him. That is, until the day he had been idly strolling down the street and had spotted that bright new lipstick taser in a local supervillain supply store. He had stopped and stared into the window, unable to believe that the solution to his anniversary gift problem was staring him right in the face.
He'd hurried into the shop and bought it immediately. Not only did it have more functions than the taser Lucy had given to him-this one could also be used as a lipstick or chapstick in addition to having a more accurate zapping ability-but what better way to tell Lucy how important she was to him by returning her gift of a symbolic weapon?
Gru snapped out of his reverie as Lucy hung up on Silas and trotted over to him with a huge grin on her face. "Gru, that was Silas on the phone. He told us that our next assignment for the AVL is to return to the Paradise Mall and try to capture El Macho! He said we can use the cupcake shop again, too! All we have to do is find a way to lure El Macho back to Salsa and Salsa and trap him in there so the AVL can arrest him. Aren't you so excited? We get to do it all over again, except as a husband-and-wife team! Isn't that great?"
"W-wait a minute, Lucy, hold your horses! Are you sure zis is a good idea?" Gru faltered. The very idea of encountering El Macho in the mall again was enough to make him shake. He'd cheated death more times in his life than most civilians ever did, and after that last volcano eruption in which he had nearly lost Lucy, all Gru wanted was to settle down and have a normal family life for a couple of months.
"Of course it is! We get to go back to the mall and bake cupcakes until El Macho shows up. Then we get to invade his restaurant again and put him in jail for good this time! Please, Gru? It would be so fun to do it all over again!" Lucy pleaded.
"Vell…all right. Since ze jelly thing is not exactly working out, I'll go back with you to ze mall and bake cupcakes," Gru sighed.
"Yay! Thank you, Gru! This will be so much fun, I promise!" Lucy cheered. She lunged at Gru and caught him up in a suffocating hug once again.
"That's awesome! You're really going to track El Macho again?" Edith said.
"Vell…judging by ze current circumstances, I'd say yes," Gru replied.
"Is El Macho still purple and fluffy?" Agnes asked, her eyes shining with excitement.
"Is ANTONIO still there?" Margo grumbled.
Gru and Lucy stopped hugging for a moment and looked at each other for a long while. Eventually, Gru spoke up and answered Margo. "Vell, if he is zere at ze mall, nothing bad will happen to you, I promise. Besides, I have ze freeze ray, remember?"
Margo nodded, but she hung her head and looked dejectedly down at her sneakers. "Yeah, I know, but…I just don't want to get my heart broken again. It's hard enough getting used to having a mom-I mean, Lucy's great, but it's still hard and all-but if THAT boy showed up again…"
Lucy hesitantly stepped forward and gently put her hand on Margo's shoulder. "Don't worry. Gru and I wouldn't let anyone hurt you," she assured Margo with surprising tenderness. When Margo began to sniffle, Lucy kindly took a tissue out of her pocket and gave it to the brunette tween.
Margo wiped her eyes with Lucy's tissue and smiled. "Thanks…Mom. You're right. You wouldn't let anything bad happen to any of us. Right, Dad?"
"Zat's right!" Gru nodded emphatically. "I won't let zat devious leetle boy get close to you ever again! And if he does…vell…I suppose I'll just have to use ze…lipstick taser!" He brandished Lucy's old lipstick taser for effect.
Everyone laughed at Gru's impersonation of Lucy using the lipstick taser. The Minions in particular seemed to find it hysterical and were rolling on the floor, overcome with laughter.
Dr. Nefario just shook his head. He'd never really understood any of this family mush, but he was glad to see that Gru seemed to be happy. He'd noticed that Gru almost seemed to be trying to block out any trace of his past supervillain life lately. Nefario didn't know what it meant, but he hoped that Gru wouldn't slip in his supervillain skills.
Little did the Gru family know that a certain purple Minion was watching their exchange through one of the windows in front of the gloomy house. It narrowed its twitching purple eyes and growled with utter loathing at the happy family.
Kyle was the only one in the house who noticed. He raised his head and barked, determined to scare off the potential threat. The Minion stuck out its tongue, hopped down from the window, and scampered off down the street. It was vital that it tell its master this important piece of information. If it didn't, then its master's grand plans would be completely obliterated.