Hi, it's me again! Lately, I've read some one-shots, and I thought...why not write one, too? So this is what resulted!
I hope you guys like it! It has some swearing, and is a little fast-paced, and you just KNOW our friends are going to mess up this CLASSIC story!
The Fairy Tail gang decides to act out the classic story of Snow White! We ALL know that won't turn out as expected.
Everyone was bored. The request board's requests were nonexistent, there were no "bad guys" to beat to a pulp, and even Mira couldn't find any motivation to match up a couple. Over in the corner, Natsu let his head fall onto the desk, and sighed.
"I'm SOOOO bored," he garbled, shoving a handful of grapes into his mouth. "Air's nuffing to do."
"Could you CHEW before you open your stupid mouth to voice your equally stupid thoughts?" Gray asked disgustedly from across the table.
Natsu glared at him. "If I wasn't drained from being SOOOO bored, I would have punched your FACE in by now."
"Like you could," Gray snorted, and bit into a apple.
"All right, that's IT," the pink-haired mage huffed, "Come over here so that I can REPAIR those stupid DROOPY eyes of yours."
The ice mage stood up, hands at the ready. "At least I'm not the one with the IQ of an ACTUAL flame."
"What's an IQ?"
"My point exactly."
"Whatever an IQ is, I bet yours is SUPER high."
"That's a compliment, idiot."
"Seriously?"
"No, it's an insult. Yes, it's a compliment!"
Natsu blinked in confusion. "So why did you just say 'no'?"
"It's called SARCASM!"
The two boys continued to bicker until a certain redhead got involved from across the guild.
"Shut up, you two."
The mages immediately stopped, and sat down moodily.
Gray bit into his apple again.
"That's it!"
Everyone looked towards an ecstatic blonde who was jumping up and down in excitement. "Gray, you've given me the greatest idea!"
The Ice Make Wizard blinked, and asked through a mouthful of fruit, "I have?"
Natsu rolled his eyes. "It's hard to believe Gray can give ANYONE ideas, especially when it seems he can't come up with any on his own."
"That was a really long sentence for a moron such as yourself, Natsu. You sure you didn't break anything in that head of yours?"
"Stop, you two!" Erza growled, and they both paled as they realized the frightening woman was right behind them. "What is it, Lucy?"
The blonde waited a moment to make sure everyone was listening. "Okay…so apples right?"
Erza nodded, pretending as if she understood what her friend was trying to get at.
"Yes, they...keep the doctor away, correct?" the scarlet-haired wizard asked doubtfully.
Lucy frowned, "No…well, yes, but that's not what I'm trying to say…apples? A bite into one? Get it?"
"I DON'T get it," Natsu wailed, clutching his head.
"That's not something new," Gajeel muttered.
The blonde sighed exasperatedly. "The classic story concerning an apple?"
Levy jumped up. "I get it, Lu-chan! You're trying to say something about your novel right?"
Lucy clapped her hand to her forehead, "Uh, no."
Wendy tilted her head as she tried to comprehend what the older girl was trying to imply.
"You GUYS…" Lucy said bitterly. "Snow WHITE? Ring a bell to any of you? The girl who ate the poisoned apple and supposedly was awakened from the dead by her TRUE LOVE?"
"Oh," Levy said, "I never was that big on fairy tales."
"Even though you're in a guild that sounds like "Fairy Tale"?" Cana asked, hugging her barrel of booze close to her.
"So…what about it?" Mirajane inquired, smiling.
"Well…I think we should act it out!" Lucy concluded and blinked as she received incredulous stares.
"Acting? "Erza asked, suddenly interested. Her eyes shone with motivation and eagerness. "ACTing?"
Natsu howled loudly. "Let's do it! Gajeel and Gray could be the ugly stepsisters!"
"That's Cinderella, stupid!" Gray snapped, "And if we WERE talking about Cinderella…YOU would be the ugly stepsister…I'd be more like…the prince."
Gajeel snorted. "You'd be more like the stepmother."
Natsu wailed with laughter. "The stepmother's gotta be the UGLIEST because her daughters are BOTH ugly!"
"SHUT UP! I, for one, think the stepmother is misunderstood."
"Dude, that is SO girly of you," Gajeel commented.
"How do you 'misunderstand' ugliness, anyway?" Natsu added, scratching his head in confusion.
"Just, SHUT up!"
Erza didn't make a move to stop the ongoing argument. She gave her blonde friend a sparkling, starry-eyed gaze. "What role shall I play?"
Lucy sweat dropped at the scene before her and said, "So…are you guys all for it?"
"Yeah!" the guild pumped their fists high into the air.
"Hey! Hey!" Evergreen whooped. "Who thinks Master should be a dwarf?"
Laxus smirked. "Seems appropriate."
"What was that?" Makarov growled, and prepared to use his magic to grow ten times his size.
"I think you'd look CUTE as a dwarf, Master…" Mirajane said sweetly, and her face darkened, "Or would you rather like to ruin the WHOLE production because you'd rather have a more 'fitting' role?"
Makarov backed down at the sight of Mira's dark personality, and squeaked, "I'll be a…Dwarf then. But not Grumpy…he's too…grumpy."
"No, he's the most cheerful guy in the place," Jet said sarcastically, rolling his eyes.
"That's alright, Gramps," Natsu waved dismissively. "Happy can be Grumpy."
(A/N: Ironic, isn't it?)
The cat cheered, and put on his best angry face.
"You look constipated," Carla said disgustedly, and squealed as Wendy patted her head.
"You could be a dwarf, too, Carla!"
"ExCUSE me?"
"I just…because you're so small…"
"I'll be the princess!"
"I'll be the prince!"
"I'll be the evil witch lady!"
Lucy tried to keep everyone under control as the 'actors' got out of hand. Quickly, and with Lisanna and Mira's help, she managed to get roles out to most people.
The end results were:
Natsu- dwarf ("Son of a -!")
Gray – dwarf ("Are you freakin' kiddin' me?!")
Elfman – dwarf ("Dwarves are a MAN!")
Happy- dwarf (practiced his best "Grumpy" face)
Carla – dwarf ("I can't believe – the NERVE of some people!")
Master- dwarf ("I think this is another way to make fun of my size…")
Gajeel – dwarf ("What the hell, man?!")
Loke (he just LOVES to be the CENTER of ATTENTION) – the hunter ("I'll shoot your hearts, ladies.")
Laxus – the prince ("I only appear in the beginning and at the END?!")
Mirajane – Snow White ("I get to catch up on my beauty sleep…")
Wendy – the evil stepmother/ old lady/ witch ("I-I'll try my best, everyone!")
Erza – the raven who helps out the evil stepmother/old lady/witch ("A creature…I'm a CREATURE…" Preceded to cry in a corner)
Cana – a deer ("Do deer drink?")
Juvia – a bird ("I wanted to be a DWARF with GRAY-SAMA!")
Lisanna – bird number two (Cheated out of wearing a last-minute bird costume by using her Take Over magic)
Evergreen – bird number three ("Could you have at LEAST put in a fairy in the story for me!?")
Freed – bird number four ("Where are the rules for being a bird?")
Bixlow – the mirror (Wasn't too happy with the costume)
Lucy- the director
The rest of Fairy Tail – the producing/directing crew
"Places, people! Places!" Lucy yelled into her makeshift megaphone.
Natsu tromped in with a little hat and vest moodily. He gave Lucy a glare. "Oh…you…"
"Glad you like your costume, Natsu! You look great Wendy!"
The little girl was draped in a cloak and wore a black gown that fell onto the floor in curtains.
"Um, th-thank you."
"No, Wendy! Mean, ferocious! Evil!"
"Um…I-I knew I l-looked good in this! Sh-shut up!" the blue-haired girl tried to shout. She blinked. "I'm sorry, Lucy-san! I didn't mean to be so mean!"
"It's all right, Wendy…Gray would you STOP picking out the feathers in Erza's costume?!"
The black-haired mage backed off as the frightening, flame-haired woman confronted him with tears in her eyes. "Stop looking down on me just because you got the part of a DWARF!"
"I didn't…!"
"These clothes are so freaking small!" Gajeel complained, as he looked at his vest with a dissatisfied expression.
"Just try to make them fit, Gajeel!" Lucy replied back, and shouted to the prince in the corner, "Laxus! Stop trying to pick out the rhinestones in your clothes!"
"But-!"
"Loke…could you stop trying to flirt with me for a moment, and get your knife prop, please?"
The orange-haired boy trailed away in disappointment, muttering something about "the prince should have been me".
"Cana! No drinking before we've started!"
"Deer get PRET-TY thirsty, ya know."
"Would everyone just PLEASE get onto the stage so we can start this thing? You've ALL got your scripts right? Good. So get on that stage and make this thing happen you guys!"
Grumbling, and reluctantly obeying the blonde's orders, everyone filed onto the platform.
"Okay, so scene 1; whoever's not in it, get the hell out!"
A number of people traipsed off, leaving only Mira and Laxus on the stage. Levy, Jet, and Droy quickly brought out a fake well, and raced offstage.
"All right, people! Lights, camera, action!"
The whole guild darkened as the light switches were flicked to off, and the spotlight was turned towards the two on stage.
Snow White (or Mira) went beside the well as Laxus backed off to one side.
The white-haired girl began to sing about nature, and animals – you know, the stuff the fairy-tale Snow White was REALLY into.
Laxus then came on stage. He walked with an awkward swagger, and Lucy looked down at the script in confusion.
[Prince walks onto stage as if entranced by a spell. He is captivated by SW's voice.]
"Okay! Okay! Cut!" Lucy yelled.
Laxus turned to see what was wrong.
"Laxus…you're CAPTIVATED, ENTRANCED, TAKEN by Snow White's charms and beauty…not drunk on some of Cana's alcohol, all right?"
"You drank some of my BOOZE?" Cana asked, enraged.
"Action!" the blonde ordered before the brunette could take Laxus's neck into her hands.
The blonde man walked awkwardly towards Mira again.
He opened his mouth to say his lines. "What…voice beautiful have you."
Lucy clapped her hand to her forehead. "Cut! Laxus, it's 'What a beautiful voice you have'."
The blonde indicated for him to start again.
"What a beautiful voice you have…babe."
Lucy sighed. Why should she even TRY to interrupt again?"
"Who are you?" Snow White asked, and quickly ran into the sanctuary of her tower/home.
"Wait!" Laxus yelled desperately (it was a very unconvincing, desperate yell). "Uh…it says here…I'm supposed to SING!?"
"Yeah," Levy called. "Just belt it out, Laxus, honey!"
"Oh, hell no!" the blonde replied, crossing his arms. "I'm NOT going to sing on stage as if I'm on Fiore Idol…no f***ing wa-!"
Five minutes later, with a bruise on his head dealt by Erza herself, Laxus began to sing the song he had been given.
Mira tried to appear as if she were taken in by his voice, but that was apparently VERY challenging when the man's voice was scratchy, and off-key in reality. The spotlight dimmed on the two.
"Okay! Scene Two!" Levy yelled. "Actors involved…get your butts up there."
Mira and Laxus quickly climbed off, and Wendy nervously took her place in the spotlight alongside Bixlow.
"Don't worry, Bixlow," Evergreen said mockingly. "I think you look GOOD in your costume."
"Oh, yeah, I've never seen such a HOT mirror," Cana added. The two women fell into overlapping laughs.
The mirror-man opened his mouth to say something, but stopped short as Lucy indicated for them to start.
"M-Mirror, m-mirror, on the wall, wh-who's the f-fairest of them all?"
The Mirror sighed, rolling his eyes, "Uh you know, dude? You are certainly fair, or whatever…but the fairest of them all is White Snow."
"Snow White!" someone whispered.
"Right…Snow White."
"S-Snow White?" Wendy repeated, and everyone cooed as she failed adorably at her attempt to act enraged. "I sh-should h-have known…her ruby red lips, h-her coal black hair…er…I mean…cloud white hair?...I must get rid of h-her somehow…or maybe I should just accept that she's VERY pretty!" the little girl added in a rush.
The blonde director urged for Wendy to go on.
"U-um… I mean… I m-must c-contact the h-hunter…r-right away."
[Switch scenes.]
(A/N: a sign that the writer is getting tired of explaining how they changed the stage's props.)
Loke was now standing before Wendy, bowing loyally. "Yes, my queen?"
He sounded very melodramatic.
"Y-you m-must t-take Sn-Snow White's…HEART!?" Wendy said the last part in a horrified way. "Bring it to me when you have it!?"
The blunette looked like she wanted to cry.
"I will…" and Loke flashed serious look, "…follow your orders…MY QUEEN."
[Switch scenes. Snow White is playing in a meadow when the hunter sneaks up onto her.]
"Snow White," the hunter said in a low tone.
Mira slowly turned. "Oh, hi, Loke. Long time no see…"
"Mira-nee!" Lisanna wailed.
"I mean…WHO are YOU?"
"Who am I? I, alas, pretty girl, am the one who the queen has sent to TAKE your LIFE."
"Oh, NO!"
The two of them were being ridiculously, and humorously over-the-top dramatic (to the point where their acting can be considered horrible).
"YES, it is VERY true! BUT, I cannot DO it! You are too beautiful! So I will let you run! I will cut the heart of a deer out instead, and let you escape!"
"What the f***, really?" Cana asked from somewhere in the guild. "Crap…can I switch roles with someone please? I suddenly don't feel like the deer is right for me."
"Thank YOU, Mister!"
"RUN!" Loke said, pointing to the side of the stage. "RUN FREE, PRINCESS!"
The stage blackened out as Mira daintily sprinted away.
[Scene switches. Snow White weeps in the middle of a clearing, and animals come to help her. They find the seven dwarves' house.]
Mira, along with Lisanna, Evergreen, Freed, Cana, and Juvia, entered a shabby house. The white-haired girl looked around, and said with gusto, "I'll CLEAN this house!"
"Nah…is there a couch up in here? Maybe we should just relax and drink…"
"Cana! You take the dust outside, and the birds and I will sweep up the floor."
[Several scenes later, when the dwarves finally arrive.]
"Man, that was some tough…uh…battles with the dragon out there," Natsu said exhaustedly as they entered their "home".
"You idiot! That's Sleeping Beauty!" Gray growled.
"Shut up! You're just jealous that I climbed that princess's hair before YOU did."
"Now you're thinking of -! Never mind!"
"What the hell? Who cleaned our place?" Gajeel said.
(A/N: I don't actually remember how the dwarves realized someone intruded…)
"There's not a f***ing speck of dust anywhere," Gray agreed.
"Our bedroom door's open!" Master inputted.
"Wait one f***ing minute, we sleep in the same BEDROOM!?" Natsu asked.
"You guys lllllllllike each other," Happy crowed.
"Happy!" Carla snapped.
"To sleep in the same room together without second thoughts is a MAN!"
"Elfman…could you shut up for a moment?" Gajeel snapped. "I guess we gotta go up there and see who the hell thought it was okay to go into someone's house, clean it, and then fall asleep in it."
The seven guys pretended to stomp up some stairs, and entered their bedroom slowly.
"There's a girl right there," Natsu said as they stopped in front of Mira's selected bed.
"No sh*t, flamebrain," Gray snorted.
"I'm not Flamebrain! I'm Happy! The HAPPY elf!"
"Dwarf," Carla corrected.
"Hey, wait…if there was a dwarf named Happy, why wasn't I the one-?" Happy began.
"Oh my!" Mira said as she sat up, "Who are you guys!?"
"Uh…the seven dwarfs (A/N: just realized the alternate spelling form of the plural of 'Dwarf'), obviously," Master muttered.
"Master," Mira warned, "Do this CORRECTLY, please."
"Uh, yeah, we're the seven dwarfs who work in the mines…somewhere over there. Who the f*** are you?" Gajeel questioned.
"I am Snow White."
"That's a stupid name," Gray snorted, "Who the f*** named YOU?"
Mirajane's eyes sparkled with tears, "My LOVING father!"
She started bawl.
"Oh, f***," Gray said, "Uh…oh."
"Well, hate to rain on your parade some more, Slow Wit," Natsu said, looking at his script, "but…uh, you gotta get the hell out of here now. We don't allow anyone to…stay…with us."
"But…but…WHY?" Mira asked, collapsing to the ground with sobs.
"I don't know…'cause you obviously aren't one of us?" the Master grumbled.
"Get out of here, b*tch," Gajeel ordered, and when "Snow White" gave him a murderous glare, he quickly added, "I mean…lady."
"UNLESS…" Natsu added, "You know how to crap."
"COOK, moron, it's COOK, not CRAP," Gray hissed.
"Right, what Ice Princess just said."
"There was a dwarf named Ice Princess?" Happy asked.
"I DO know how to cook…I'll make you some soup."
"SOUP?" Natsu asked incredulously. "Aw, man. I was hoping for something more along the lines of rice and chicken, or something."
"Soup's…hot, isn't it?" Gray added on disgustedly. "Can't we have something cold? Like snow cones?"
"I gotta have my iron!"
"I've been craving for some red velvet cake, lately."
"Can't we have some fish instead?
"I'd prefer some of my herbal tea…"
"Spicy, hot CHILI is a MAN!"
Snow White's face dropped, and her eyebrows furrowed together. "Would you all STOP being ungrateful, little b*tches so that we can carry ON with this scene!? Natsu, stop SULKING or I'm going to-!"
"Can we switch scenes, please?" Lucy yelled before anyone could get injured.
The next few pieces were filled with the dwarfs dancing, and eating. Grumpy warmed up to Snow White, and Mira danced with a couple of the 'dwarves'. Surprisingly, the actors behaved themselves during these events.
Wendy even carried out the part where the queen turned into an old woman very nicely. Erza portrayed her part of a raven with elegance, and only froze up from stage fright a little in the middle of the scene.
Finally, the point in the story where the seven, miniature creatures left the princess alone in their cottage arrived.
"Bye, guys!" Mira called.
"Where are we even going?" Natsu whispered to Gray.
"Offstage."
"Is THAT where we're going to mine for jewels and stuff?"
"NO, idiot!"
"Well," Snow White contemplated, "I guess I'll clean the house some more…because I HAVEN'T dusted and swept it like nine thousand times, already."
The white-haired girl busied herself with noisily washing the dishes.
Erza came onto the stage, and along with her came Wendy, dressed in the garbs of an "innocent" old lady.
"U-um…h-hello, th-there."
Mira looked up, and everyone could see that she was resisting the urge to hug the little Wendy with all her might.
"Who are you?"
"I'm an old lady-"
"No, sh*t."
The last comment came from the audience.
"And I'm here to sell some apples…"
"Igneel ALWAYS taught me to NEVER take food from strangers."
"W-would y-you l-like one?"
"No, thank you. The dwarves have advised me to not take food from anyone. Apparently, there's an evil witch lurking about somewhere waiting to murder me. And it's obviously not you, the only other person I've seen here in this secluded forest."
"O-okay then! I'll j-just leave!"
"No, Wendy!" Erza loudly whispered.
"I mean…take one…th-the red one…you know, the only red one in the basket."
"O-okay."
Mira took the fruit into her hands and bit into it. Immediately, she fell into spastic, convulsing movements, and fell to the ground. The apple flew off the stage, and a loud "Ow!" was heard from somewhere in the back.
Wendy started to cackle (or softly laugh), and gasped as she saw the dwarves return.
"What have you done to Slow Wit?" Natsu wailed, wielding his pick axe.
"Hold on a minute. It says we have to KILL the witch?" Gajeel asked.
"I've k-killed her using my p-poisoned a-apple."
"I thought we f***ing told Snow White not to talk to any strangers? Did it just go out the other ear or what?" Gray queried.
"You b*tch!" Natsu cried.
"Get her!" Carla bellowed.
"You're so pretty when you get into character," Happy complimented.
The seven mages raced towards the blunette, who cried out in terror, and pretended to fall off a "cliff" (which was the stage in reality. Someone caught her, don't worry).
"We got her good!" Master cheered.
"What are we going to do about the raven?"
"What the hell happens to the raven anyways?"
All attention turned to Erza, who turned a deep scarlet. She fell on her side, feigning the bird's tragic end.
"Snow White!" Happy pretended to sob by Mira's side.
"So…what are we going to do with the body?" Natsu inquired.
"What does the script say?" Carla replied.
"It says to 'Put her in a glass coffin and wait for the Prince to arrive'," Gray answered, "How the hell are we going to get a coffin? You know…all seven of us live in one f***ing small cottage, and everyone thinks we can afford a GLASS coffin?"
Levy rolled out the said prop.
"Guess someone pre-ordered it," Happy chirped.
"You're supposed to be WEEPING," Gajeel growled.
"Right."
The guild was filled with the echoes of Happy's faux wails.
"So…how are we gonna get her in the box?"
The actors all looked at each other with alarmed expressions.
Five minutes later…
Mira was in the coffin. And flowers were strewn around her.
"It's so beautiful," Lucy sobbed.
"She's in the coffin all messed up, though," Loke said.
The Celestial Spirit was correct.
The Take-Over mage's legs were sticking out of the box she had been set in, and her hair was tangled as it caressed her face. One arm was underneath her body, and the other was neatly at her side.
"Oh, sob, sob, sob," Natsu said in a bored tone. "When do we beat up some dragons?"
"Like I TOLD you a million times before, there ARE no dragons in Snow White!" Gray snapped.
"What has happened here?" Laxus asked as he came gliding in.
"We're having a birthday party…someone died! What else could have happened?" Master mumbled.
"She…she was good to us!" Carla wailed.
"If she had REALLY been 'good' to us, you'd think she'd have given us a meal of fish everyday," Happy countered.
"Oh, no…" Laxus's voice trailed off as he looked down at the script. "Wait! I have to KISS MIRA?!"
"Ah…HELL no!" several males cried out from the audience.
"Uh…yeah?" Lucy replied, "That's how Snow White is awakened?"
"I'm not doing it."
"Laxus!" Erza warned.
"Why don't we wake her up with a punch or something?" Natsu asked.
"All right, let's see you punch Mira, Natsu," Gray said.
"Hell no! You do it!"
"Nah…are you SCARED of her?"
"Heck, yeah! You've seen how she can get when she's ANGRY."
"All you need to do is use your 'roar'," Laxus said philosophically.
"Then YOU do it!"
"No!"
"Master, you're tough, right?"
"Oh, no, don't bring me into this."
"Gajeel, use your iron arm or something."
"IRON ARM!? Are you trying to INSULT me?!"
The stage filled with the actors' bickering, until Mira sat up in the coffin.
"Okay, all right? I'm awake! I'm alive! Can we just end this now?"
"Not until I see a kiss!" Lucy protested.
"Why don't you get Natsu to give you a smooch, huh?" Gray asked.
"What the f***, GRAY!?"
"Gray-sama, give JUVIA a KISS!"
"Wha-!? No!"
Levy, who was standing in the shadows of the guild, sighed, and shook her head.
If Fairy Tail actually wrote any of the fairy tales we know…the children of today would be scarred.
Sorry for the cheesy ending...it's just that I had NO idea how to end it.
Please tell me what you thought of this!
Was it funny, or not?
No negative reviews please!
(And thanks for those of you who reviewed on That Unrequited Childhood Love! (TUCL, for short) I got 40 new reviews! Thank you! I'll try to update soon!))