I See The Moon and The Moon Sees Me
I see the moon and the moon sees me
The moon sees the somebody I'd like to see
God Bless the moon and God Bless me
And God Bless the somebody I'd like to see.
It seems to me that God above
Created you for me to love
He picked you out from all the rest
Because he knew I loved you best
I once had a heart as good as new
But now it's gone from me to you
Take care of it as I have done
For you have two and I have none
If I get to heaven and you're not there
I'll carve your name on a golden stair
A way up high for all to see
Just how much you mean to me
-Traditional nursery rhyme
When Fuji pierces his ear for the first time the sharp sting surprises him. He doesn't let it show on his face, doesn't flinch or gasp, but the pain is worst than he expected. Once the needle is pushed a considerable ways through his lobe he holds out his hand, and Yuuta gives him the small black stud they agreed on that morning. Fuji slides the needle through completely and slips in the stud before the hole can close. Yuuta is looking at him with wide eyes, not saying a word.
"What do you think?" Fuji surveys himself critically in the bathroom mirror; he's satisfied. The stud glimmers in the light from the fixture hung above the mirror but is easily hidden by his hair. It's exactly how he had envisioned it.
Yuuta shrugs. "Did it hurt?"
"A bit."
Fuji knows Yuuta wants to try it for himself. His younger brother watches as he washes the needle off with hot water and towel dries it.
"What if it gets infected?" he asks.
"It won't," Fuji replies. "I have sea salt. I'll soak it a few times a day. It's just my ear, anyway."
"Are you going to pierce anywhere else?"
"Maybe."
Yuuta sighs and lifts his arms above his head, stretching. The bones in his back crack as his fingers graze the ceiling. Even though he's sitting on the bathroom counter Fuji is still impressed; over the past few months Yuuta has grown quite a bit. It makes him chuckle.
"I might do my other ear later," Fuji continues. He looks at his reflection in the mirror. "Maybe my lip, or my bellybutton."
Yuuta snorts. "That's not gay."
Fuji ignores this and says, "Maybe something else on my ear. What do you think of a tragus piercing?"
He points to the thick flap of skin opposing his ear canal, and Yuuta frowns. "That looks like it'll hurt. A lot."
"A lot of things hurt," Fuji says breezily, holding up the needle again and bringing it towards his tragus. "Just because something hurts doesn't mean it isn't worth it."
Yuuta expects him to push the needle through but he doesn't; not without a piece of jewelry to stick in, anyway. Instead he puts the needle down and glances over at his brother. "Soon," he mutters, and Yuuta understands exactly what he means.
***
Ryoma's hot breath against his neck drives him crazy. His moans are high and needy, punctured on occasion by a sharp "Fuck, Fuji". Their bodies have settled into a comfortable rhythm, rocking the bed methodically. Fuji slips in and out of him and kisses all along his jaw; Ryoma squirms and moans and his nails dig into Fuji's back.
"I'm gonna come," Ryoma breathes. "Fuji, fuck, I'm gonna—I'm—"
Fuji hums softly against Ryoma's neck. He's bemused by Ryoma's behaviour, and painfully aroused by the erection throbbing in his hand. Ryoma delivers, just as he had promised, the warmth trickling through Fuji's fingers and onto Ryoma's stomach.
His own release approaches with every single thrust. He loses focus of Ryoma's pretty eyes looking up at him, of the heavy scent of lust in the air, and his whole world focuses on the single moment when it all becomes too much and he spills into Ryoma. Bites his shoulder. Moans in spite of himself. Forgets to breathe and can't be bothered trying to remember.
He's boneless, dead weight when he shifts himself off Ryoma. They lay there panting furiously, trying to make sense of everything all at once. On an impulse, it seems, Ryoma reaches forward and finds his hand. Twists it out of the sheets and threads their sweaty fingers together. Fuji squeezes. Ryoma squeezes back.
'This is called making love,' Fuji realizes with a start. He squeezes once again. Falls asleep. Isn't surprised when he wakes up and finds Ryoma's slipped away. The room is empty now, and he curls into a ball before going back to sleep. Wonders how much it hurts to live forever.
***
Fuji isn't so surprised when Yuuta joins him on a walk after dinner. He's brought his camera along to take some pictures of the autumn colours. Each year he tries to capture them, immortalize them, and each year he comes back for more. The soft click of the shutter is barely heard over the gossiping of the leaves in the trees and beneath their feet. Yuuta keeps straying to the edge of the path, running his hand over the coarse bark of the trees. Fuji captures more than one picture of Yuuta doing this, and for whatever reason his brother doesn't say anything.
It spits rain for a few minutes. They consider heading back home. Decide to keep going. Fuji takes his camera out again when it stops raining. He takes a few more pictures. Doesn't hide the camera when it rains again but photographs the sky, the dirt, his brother.
"Want to turn back?" he asks Yuuta, who shakes his head.
Before long Fuji's hair is plastered to his brow and the hard tips are dripping past his lips. He takes off his sweater and wraps it around his camera to protect it as best he can. In the distance they hear a few gulls calling back and forth.
Everything seems beautiful in that moment. Everything comes to life and swears it'll never die. Fuji looks at Yuuta and grins; smells the earth and wants to taste it. Every little shard and sliver between them becomes so trivial they threaten to disappear.
***
They linger in the locker room after practice. The others leave, and when they're finally alone it should be awkward but it isn't. Should be strange to mould their mouths together and push one another up against the wall but isn't.
Ryoma's sweat is sweet, his lips sweeter still.
One time Fuji grabs hold of Ryoma's chin and forces the young boy's eyes to meet his. Dares him to look away; he doesn't. Strokes him hard and fast and unapologetically while Ryoma falls apart and their eyes don't stray for a second. When he comes undone he can't even whisper Fuji's name or moan, he can only part his mouth and gasp. In surprise. In recognition. In total fear of what this boy can fucking do to him.
This is Fuji's last time without guilt and he savours it.
***
Yuuta is different from Ryoma in so many ways. Hard where he's soft, soft where he's hard, bitter where he's sweet and sour where he's salty. It's an assortment of so many flavours and contrasts Fuji can't even make sense of it all.
They're rough their first time. None of the soft caresses and tender, lingering touches they had both come to expect after years of waiting for this. Instead they grasp each other mercilessly, Yuuta to let Fuji know he can't be taken so easily and Fuji to impress upon Yuuta that he wants nothing more than to be taken.
They're so out of tune and perfectly in synch it stings.
With each thrust the gravity of the situation pushes itself into Yuuta's consciousness more and more.
"Oh Fuji, fuck, Fuji—"
Wrong.
"—Harder, just a bit—yeah—"
So, so wrong.
"I'm gonna—oh…yeah, yes, right there—"
Fucking wrong.
"Yes, yes, yes, yes."
…Wrong?
***
"Why?" Ryoma's fingers biting into his wrist burn his skin, his soul.
"Because," he says softly. "I have to."
"Why?" His eyes burn ten times more.
"Because I know how these things work," is all he'll say on the matter. It doesn't matter, anyway. Ryoma shoots him dirty looks on the court and pairs up with Kaidoh. Fuji expected as much. He hurries out of the locker room after practice without looking back. Of course. But that night when Fuji gets his text message, smirks, and opens his bedroom window the sour look is wiped off Ryoma's face as he steps over the sill and shuts the window behind him. Fuji is already lying back down on his bed, lazily stroking his erection.
"Why?" Ryoma tries one more time, throwing off his clothes.
Fuji doesn't say a word. Lets Ryoma's mouth engulf him and loses himself in it all.
"I won't leave," Ryoma says. When he pulls away to speak a thin rope of precum drips from Fuji's painful erection to Ryoma's lips. "I know someday he'll—well, he'll realize how…not…normal it is. And he'll leave. But I'll never—"
The sight is almost too much for him, but Fuji manages to say, "No. I know."
He fucks Ryoma so hard that night he wonders if his parents hear. Doesn't say a word when Ryoma gathers his things, dresses, and slips out the window. Wonders how long it'll be before Ryoma's off in the States playing tennis and taking over the world instead of kissing the length of Fuji's thigh and whispering that he loves him with his eyes. Sighs when he hears his bedroom door crack open.
Sometimes you have to break yourself down to build yourself up.