A Day in the Life
The Dark Lord sat in his chambers, listening to what felt like the trillionth Death Eater report of the day.
"My Lord, Fudge is still in the process of being ousted, and that blood-traitor Bones is becoming very popular within the Ministry, my Lord. My Lord, this could have a negative impact on us, Bones would not accept any bribes…"
"Do you think I do not know that already, you presumptuous idiot? Don't you dare come in if you have nothing useful to say! Crucio!"
Wormtail immediately dropped to the floor, screaming and writhing and-
No doubt 'The Torture of Wormtail' would be very fascinating, but that is not the title of this story. Let us have a look into the mind of Lord Voldemort, which is filled with cunning master plans to take over the wizarding world and pollute it with evil, or better yet – the stock market, in which the part about evil has already been taken care of.
Pathetic. What did I do to deserve such insipid followers? Do these subservient imbeciles even know how boring they are? How is it even humanly possible to say 'my Lord' in every single sentence? I'm sick of it! Couldn't they have a little more originality? How would they like it if I were to use 'my followers' in every sentence I say? Here I am, the greatest wizard in the world, feared by all of mankind, even Albus Dumbledore-
Don't forget the most overblown ego in the entire universe.
What? Who is that? How did you get into my mind?
I swear I remembered to clear my mind before I slept yesterday, although that was really difficult after Bellatrix… Ick! Don't even think about it! Don't. Think. Abo-
No wonder I managed to get in so easily. Must thank Bellatrix for that…
YOU … you… who are you? And what are you doing in MY HEAD?
Forgot about me so soon, Moldyshorts? You really get… riled up when you think about Bellatrix. As for why I am here, I thought I'd drop by to brighten up your dreary day- Wormtail there is the most boring person alive!
Wormtail? Wormtail is just the tip of the iceberg! You should try listening to Severus, he just can't stop talking about Potter. That Potter brat this, that Potter brat that. I can't stand it anymore! Why, he's even more obsessed about Potter that I am. One might think he… Argh! Don't you dare try pulling a red herring on me! It won't work on me, the Dark Lord, the greatest-
Wizard in the world, feared by all of mankind, worshipped by all the purple bunnies on Dumbledore's shorts... I've heard it all before. Couldn't you have a little more originality? What a hypocrite.
How dare you insult me, the Dark Lord, the greatest wizard-
Once again, you have proven my point.
"ARGHHH!"
"My Lord…?"
Voldy the loony… Voldy the loony…
"SHUT UP!!" The Dark Lord yelled.
It was at this moment that the Dark Lord realised that there were followers in his chambers. This was a rather common occurrence, but usually they did not stupidly gape at him with shock on their faces. No, usually they cowered in fear… albeit stupidly! No doubt they thought their Lord was going mad… although they probably thought so already.
How embarrassing! You… you miscreant from hell! See what you've done?
All he received in reply to his insult was a mental bout of evil laughter.
You… you… thief! You stole my signature evil laugh! I'll press charges! Wait… I can't! Argh!
This is all Lucius' fault. I told him to get it patented. Not original enough to patent my foot! I am the Dark Lord Voldemort! Anything I say goes!
He, of all my followers, should know that image is everything! If everyone went around laughing like that I would be ruined!
Feeling insecure now, are you?
YOU… you… don't even get me started on you! This is your entire fault! Go away!
Say please.
"NO! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!"
He gathered all his mental strength and pushed. ..
…Woah, man! Don't get rid of me so fast..."My lord?"…
…and pushed…
…wait, Valuemart…DON'T LET ME DOWN…
…and pushed…
…DON'T LET ME DOWN!..."My Lord!"
…and pushed…
LOVE CAN BE FOUND…
…and pushed the presence out of his mind.
"Ha! I beat you! No one can get the better of me, Lord Voldemort, the greatest wizard in the world, feared by all of mankind, even the purple bunnies… what? Arrgh!"
The Dark Lord found the closest hard surface he could find, which- who happened to be Evan Rosier and proceeded to bang his head against him.
"M- my Lord! Are you okay?"
"No! No! Get out!"
BUMP! OOMPH! CRACK!
"What about Rosier, my Lo-"
"Avada kedavra!"
The Death Eater fell to the ground. Expressions of shock promptly morphed into more appropriate expressions of fear. The Dark Lord immediately let go of Rosier, pushing the bruised and battered Death Eater to the ground.
"From today onwards, no Death Eater is to say 'my Lord' ever again! And no calling me the same thing in my presence more than once a day – I don't care if you have to call me 'ruler of all the germs in Potter's mouth'! Now get out! And bring this carcass with you!"
None questioned his outrageous new rule. Dragging the dead Death Eater along, they scampered off. A barrage of dark curses hit them from behind and they yelped in pain, before running away twice as fast.
Fools! Sometimes I think I'm better off without them- hmm… why not? I would have a better image if they didn't go around torturing everyone without reason, and image is everything! As much as it pains me to say it… like that muggle Hitler, I need to get rid of my army, although I would have to work on a much smaller scale.
Actually, now that I'm actually thinking about it, what is my plan anyway? Conquer wizarding Britain, take over the muggles, rule the whole of Britain… Salazar- fucking- Slytherin! Why haven't I realised what a stupid plan this is? The rest of the world isn't going to allow me to commit genocide on the muggles! The US- those interfering bastards- would drop a friggin' bomb on me!
Maybe… maybe it's time for a change of plan! I've got a chance to do it over, and do it right this time! Maybe my purpose is to take everything I've experienced and put it - put it into a SHOW!
Are you high?
End
A/N: Credit for the title 'A Day in the Life' is to be given to the immortal John Lennon and Paul McCartney. And yes, the ending is modified from Avenue Q. This is my first attempt at writing fan fiction. Please help me develop my writing skills by giving me feedback! Thank you for reading "A Day in the Life"!