More than a memory.
No one had seen him for days. Ella was still bringing him meals, but she said every time she would come back to clean up, most of the food would be un touched. I put my keys on the table by the door and sat down on the couch. He was sitting in one of the over stuffed chairs across the room. He hadn't shaved in days, and it looked like he'd barely gotten out of the chair. His eyes were blood shot, his clothes were dirty. Neither of us said anything as I observed the room around us. His cell phone was in pieces on the opposite side of the room, there were pictures of her, and things she had bought for him over the years sprawled across the floor and the table, His fist was tight and he had something crumpled in his hand. I could only guess it was the letter he had received just a week before. He was taking the news hard, harder than everybody else. And we all understood why. When the news first came that Stephanie and Joe left town together, we were all disappointed. Ranger didn't talk to anyone for a few days but after a while he seemed to come around. But this was different. Ranger interrupted my thoughts, with a slight shake of his head that caught my attention.
"Ranger…" I started.
"No, Tank." is all he had to say. I got off of the couch and walked out, silently. There was no need to say anything else.
I drove all the way back to my apartment, thinking about all the good times there was when Stephanie was in the office. Since the news came, everyday just seemed to drag on, boring and long. A sad, tight, hard feeling hanging over the entire building. Every man knew, and it didn't take long for them to all find out. One minute Ranger read the letter, and the next the entire building knew. Several of us were afraid to talk about it, to mention her name. For fear that the world would crash. Nobody went to the service, because nobody felt welcome. The way she left, left everybody feeling a little unwanted, and nobody was sure if she would have wanted us there. So, we went about our day, except for Ranger. That's when he first started locking himself away.
When I got to my apartment, I shed my clothes and went straight to my couch. I didn't know what to expect from tonight, but I knew I shouldn't go to bed. It was one in the morning when I was jolted awake by my phone vibrating on the table. I didn't bother to read the screen, because I knew who it was.
"Yo," I said.
"Tell me that it gets better than this. Tell me it's going to stop hurting." His voice cracked and I knew he was probably letting himself cry, finally.
"Ranger, man. It's going to get easier… You have to give it time. She's in your head man."
"I just… I just want it to stop hurting." I sighed.
"Man, everything, it'll be okay. It's never going to stop hurting, but it'll get easier. You're always going to love her, and she's always going to be with you, in your heart."
"She's dead, Tank. Dead. I'm never going to be able to tell her how I feel, I'm never going to kiss her again, or wrap my arms around her. I'm never going to hear her voice again."
"I know man. But you can't dwell on this, you have to allow yourself to heal." I heard something in the background that sounded like a drawer opening. It made me nervous, but I knew Ranger wasn't stupid.
"It's not getting better, it just isn't. It never will, Tank. She was everything, she chose that fucker over me and look where that got her! And the worst part, I told her to chose him! And now, she's dead. She's gone forever."
"Ranger, I'm gonna be there in five. We're gonna have a few beers, and talk. This isn't your fault man, and don't you ever think it is." I hung up the phone and pulled sweats and a shirt on as fast as I could. I ran out to my car, and flew out of the lot. About half way to Rangeman I felt my foot push harder on the gas pedal, and I didn't know why, I just felt like I should. By the time I got to Rangeman, I had a horrible feeling in my stomach, so I decided to take the stairs. I found myself booking it all the way up to the seventh floor. When I finally got up to the apartment, I unlocked the door and the reason I had been so nervous was clear.
There he was, sitting in his chair, gun in hand.
"Ranger… Man, what are you doing?" I asked, as calm as I could. I had never seen ranger look this ready to give up his life.
"I just.. I don't know if I can do this Tank." His voice was trembling, his face was red, and wet.
"Man, stop, just.. Give me the gun. You can't do this. It'll get easier! I promise. You just have to give it time."
"No. I'm done giving It time. If she's not here, then I don't want to be either." His voice was steady, and I knew that this was what he wanted, for this moment. But I couldn't let him do it. He slowly lifted the gun to his head, and I dove for it, the gun went off and two bullets lodged themselves into the wall behind us.
I finally wrestled the gun away from him, and he stood in front of me. He looked the most pathetic that I had ever seen him. He hadn't shaved, and though it hadn't been long he was already thinner. His eyes looked tired, and his mouth was a thin line.
I took his arm and lead him into his bed room. He got into his bed, and I searched the house for all the places I knew he kept his guns. I took all of them, and stashed them on the fifth floor. I went to the garage and searched his cars, and stashed those back up stairs too. I told the boys to keep and eye on Ranger, and to call if he left.
I walked back out to my car and headed home. I crawled into bed thinking I had thought of everything, but around four I was jerked awake again, not long after I had fallen asleep. I had a call from the control room. It was Bobby. "Yo, Tank man, Ranger's gone. He took off about five minutes ago, and the gps was turned off" He sounded worried, but no where near as worried as he should be. I disconnected, and ran out to the car. My scanner was turned on and as soon as I turned out of my lot, I heard exactly what I had been dreading. I drove as fast as I could to the scene of the accident described, and knew it was him as soon as I saw the Porsche and the flames.
I got out of the blazer and couldn't believe the scene before my eyes. The whole city block smelled like death, there was fire every where, and the pole he hit had fallen on top of the car. There was no question that he wouldn't make it out of this, even if he was still alive. There was no question that he had hit the pole on purpose. And there was no question why he had chosen this one. I stared straight up at the building in front of us. She had lived there, until she left. She had decided in her head that Ranger didn't want to be with her, and she left when Morelli took a job in New York. As soon as they were out of town, away from everyone, it was no secret that they didn't get along, and he started drinking more. One night, things got out of hand, and Stephanie didn't make it. What she didn't know, is that Ranger would have done anything to be with her, and now he will be with her, forever.