A/N: "The name 'State Lines' represents the idea of bordering something, it reflects a feeling or place of uncertainty."
I discovered this amazing song because of an amazing movie. Since then I just wanted to write a messy sliver of Gintoki's feelings.
You don't need to read this mess but please listen to this breath-taking song, it's called 'State Lines' and sung by Novo Amor.
. . .
I've Been Awake In Every State Line.
"Hijikata?"
It starts with a question.
But the question is not the name, rather, it is the reason why said name is spilling out of his vocal cords.
Here, I'll forgive my thoughts now
Gintoki is not certain he could ever forgive his heart for what it made him feel.
Because how could he ever forgive his feelings for him?
When he had thought he would never let himself feel in the first place?
Steer it, 'cause I forget the dots now
Navy blue.
The sky.
And his eyes, too.
His blue is blinding.
In his wildest dreams.
Behind his closed lids all he sees is him.
And for some reason that makes his heart break his chest in fear.
Fear of feeling what he is not supposed to feel.
Was it all, anymore, faded after all
What is even love?
He has not loved in years.
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know
Ghosts of his past keep haunting him.
But it dawns on Gintoki.
He wouldn't mind being haunted by him.
Are you sure? Did you call? Did we ever really talk?
Holding him so dear.
But not near.
He should be sincere.
But sincerity is more than he can allow himself to have, more than he can hope to find, more than what he once left behind.
Sincerity is a plea he can't give into, not anymore.
He is walking down a lonely path, he lost the tracks years ago, the dirt blurred them out, and he is unsure if he will ever find the right way again.
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know
I don't…
"What is it?" Hijikata asks back politely, in a hushed whisper, with an innocence Gintoki still wishes he could own, one he knew he possessed prior to getting his heart broken and bruised.
And he is so careless, so uncaring, so thoughtless.
When he instead cared so much he became insane.
Dear, I wouldn't bet your heart down
He thought they would fade with time- these feelings- like stars illuminating the cloak of darkness, the dead of the night.
But disappearing with the light, as if too afraid to be seen in the clear.
Not in this case, not with him.
They prevail even during the eclipse.
Even when he thought he could water them, water down these feelings until the flower born because of them perished.
But the water ended up drowning him.
He wants to say:
'You put back my missing pieces.
When you broke my chest.'
The words clog his throat, unable to escape from the precious and terrible confines of his prisoner mind.
He wonders if everything else ends up falling to pieces around him like his insides.
But there is a difference between falling and falling apart.
He forgot which one he chose.
He thinks it's not fair.
But he has thought it so many times before the thoughts now became a crowd of strangers invading his brain.
How do you bear your heart out and simply hope it won't be left in the open to bleed?
Guilt settles heavy in the pit of his stomach, loud and rough, like a chain getting dragged on the floor, the echo of footsteps grows, the anticipation overflows.
But guilt for what? He doesn't have the luxury of knowing that answer.
The sharpness is piercing him.
His eyes are healing him.
Oh, what a waste.
Not waking up to those eyes everyday.
He never thought he would have the chance to feel whole after his soul was forcefully emptied out.
He never thought he would have the chance to breathe after his lungs run out.
Of air, of reasons, of people.
He always believed he would die a traitor and maybe be remembered a hero.
He never thought he would stay, be here today.
He never thought he would find another person to add to his list of reasons.
And to his list of precious people.
But love runs thin and hearts burn like paper.
Then if his heart is made of paper…
Why is it so heavy, threatening to break his ribcage.
Clear, but I couldn't get my heart around
How do you find a way out the maze of a heart?
You don't.
You keep getting lost until there is nothing to be found anymore.
I've been awake in every state line
If only he could tell him all the shades of black and blue and purple and all the grey his nights have taken when his days started revolving around the memories of his smiles.
Thoughts of him taste like fine sugar melting on a tongue.
But the mouth has become too bitter for the once sweet taste.
Dyin' to make it last us a lifetime
He wanted to be loved to pieces one day by someone special.
But today he is falling to pieces and there is nothing special about it.
Only someone special that doesn't know about his ordinary heart.
He wanted to be shattered by feelings so strong he couldn't breathe.
But then his soul was shattered and the impact was so strong he is still breathless.
Tryin' to shake that it's all on an incline
Storms are loud, and silent, and frightening, and freeing.
He wanted to feel the raindrops.
But he was consumed by the thunders.
And in those split seconds of lightning breaking in half the clouds-
the light illuminates his face.
In his mind he makes the storm come to life. His light is blinding.
Find me a way, I'll be yours in a landslide.
Standing with feet sinking in the quick sand, in this slope of hope, of pain, of the weight of the world.
Torn inside and torn at the seams, upside down, and falling in.
'I love you.' Gintoki wants to say.
But the words are missing from his mouth.
They die in his throat, like oxygen he wasn't able to breathe in.
His tongue keeps getting tangled in the intricacies of his nightmares and doesn't let his lungs speak the truth.
His heart cracks painfully, the once spotless glass is now crushed to pieces on the floor. And once again he will have to pick up the sharp parts, they will leave other cuts inside his flesh.
It will hurt.
And that is when he understands…
It's not enough. Not enough to break the surface.
Or maybe he doesn't want it to be enough.
Because he can't find a way to do this.
He can't.
"Nothing."
It ends with an answer the both of them never wanted to hear.
. . .
A/N: My heart felt a little too heavy, needed to let something out.
Novo Amor's songs hurt my soul. In the best of ways.