Warnings for M/M kissing and suggestive themes. And I do not own any of these characters nor anything within the Star Trek universe.

Release

I know the saying. I know that you have to let something go first. That if they then come back they are yours and if they don't then they never were. This is what I know.

What I do not know is how to survive in the mean-time. My insides won't stop aching. What am I supposed to do without them? Without the blue eyes that mean more to me than anything ever has. Should I not be able to handle this? I have survived things much worse but I can't stop aching. Sometimes it is so bad that I lose time.

One minute I am on my way to school and the next I am in my room with no knowledge how I got there.

Maybe this is how I die? I never believed that someone could die of heartache. I will never make that mistake again.

I look around me, and oh look, I lost more time. I am now in a park at some god awful time.

It seems logical to take advantage of the peace. Might as well just stay here and try and enjoy the clear night. So there I stay. I do not know how long I have been here. This is unlike me. Usually I can tell you down to the millisecond what time it is and the duration of time has passed between moments.

This should probably concern me but all I can do is sit here in this numb haze. It has never been so easy to control my emotions then it has been since I let him go. I would give nearly anything to have been able to give up the experience. But I cannot just take. I cannot just hold this beautiful creature in a cage for it would kill something in him that I love.

I would be murdering him slowly. So I let him go. Now I must wait. I thought I had more patience than this. Then again, I never have been able to predict anything when it comes to him.

I am sitting under what is known on Terra as an oak tree. It is very large which leads me to conclude that it is very old too. At least a hundred years old. Under any other circumstances I would already have a tricorder out already to learn more about it. Now? I cannot seem to find the interest.

The stars though… I can always muster up something for the stars. They may be large gaseous masses millions of light-years away… but they are still captivating. Even if these are not the stars I grew up with.

The stars are getting harder to see. The sun is coming up. How long have I been here? Does it matter? This level of despondency is not good. It is probably a very good thing that we are on shore leave right now. I see no reason to leave the park now. Shore leave will go on for the next week.

All of a sudden I hear shouting. Who is shouting this early in the morning? I guess it does not really matter. They will move on or some authority figure will come and stop them.

Only it does not seem to be stopping any time soon. The stars are getting harder to see but my superior eyesight is allowing me to continue what is commonly known as "star-gazing" for a little while longer than normal humans would be able to.

The shouting is coming closer. When I concentrate trying to understand what is being said, I am surprised to discover that it is my name. Even with this discovery I cannot tell who it is through the numb haze and the distance so I just sit and wait. It is coming closer, they will find me eventually.

Some indeterminable amount of time later, I can hear the shouting stop suddenly and running steps coming towards me and yet I still do not look towards them.

That seems to be a mistake when I am tackled to the ground and arms are wrapped around my waist in what (for humans) would be a bone crushing embrace and assaulted by a myriad of emotions.

It takes more time than it usually would have for me to realize that there are familiar blonde strands in front of me and it hits me all at once. That scent, and that brilliant undertone behind the emotions, that taste of a brilliant mental landscape that my entire being wants to get lost in… Jim. My Jim is here. Why is my Jim here? Why is my Jim shaking?

It is this last thought that breaks me from my shocked state. I immediately started asking questions, "Jim? Jim are you ok? What is wrong, k'diwa?" My arms came up to wrap around the precious man in my arms, holding him close but delicately too. I was illogically worried that I might break this precious being if I held him too tight. What could have done this to my Jim?

Slowly the shaking subsides but not the tight grip. The whirlwind of emotions slows and condenses but it is still there. Waiting. What could have happened?

I need to know so I try again. "Jim? Please tell me what is wrong. Are you ok? Has something happened?" His arms tighten around me but that is all the answer I receive. So I wrap my left arm more securely around him and use the other to start tracing patterns on my precious burdens back in the hopes that it will help. I know that running my fingers through his hair would do the job much faster and more efficiently but I know the temptation of melding and bonding with my T'hyla would too much so I settle for tracing nonsensical patterns in his back in the hopes that he will calm down and tell me what has happened so that I may fix whatever has caused this upset.

"You weren't there."

I do not understand. "I do not understand."

"You weren't there!" Jim yells suddenly. "We finally get to Earth and I was going to take you to the beach because you grew up in a desert and I thought it would be cool to take you to the ocean and we were going to have fun and maybe make out on the private beach a friend was lending me just so I didn't have to share you with anyone but then you go and disappear and I don't know what to do when you are not there a little behind me to my left but you weren't there this time…"

And on and on he kept going. I admit. I did not really understand but I think I might have started to understand something but it does not do well to draw conclusions without all of the evidence.

"Jim. Jim, slow down. What happened?"

"You weren't there. I went looking for you but you weren't there."

"Where were you looking for me?"

"I went to the Enterprise and your apartment at Headquarters and I checked the conference rooms and the tea shops that are within a 10 mile radius from Starfleet and then I looked for anywhere that would be good to meditate but I didn't really know where that would be so I just kept walking around thinking that I could probably run into you before leave was over. Probably."

"Jim. You are rambling. Why were you looking for me?"

"Because you weren't there."

If I was inclined to human behavior, I would have commented on how that statement cleared everything up. It is probably a good thing I am not inclined towards human behavior.

"Please be more specific."

"When I finally finished my paperwork and went to find you so we can go to the beach like I had planned you weren't there and I couldn't find you."

"I am sorry Jim."

…"Where were you? Why weren't you there?"

"I was told I needed to let you go. That I was monopolizing you and it might make you change or convince yourself that you wanted to be with me when you didn't really because you knew I needed you. That I needed to let you go. If you came back, I could keep you."

"Who the fuck made up that shit? Who told you to leave me? Who told you I didn't want you and why did you ever listen to them?"

"I have rarely known Nyota to by wrong when it comes to interpersonal relationships involving humans."

"Maybe but she still thinks I'm the playboy who will sleep with anything that moves… I haven't slept with anyone in over a year."

… That gave me pause. I know that my captain is a very virile man. I know that he was sexually active through the academy. So why…?

"I do not understand."

"… Do you know what happened 432 days ago?"

I calculated back and all I could come up with was… No. It was not possible. Jim could not.

"We played our first game of chess together."

"Yeah."

It did not seem fair that Jim was the only one admitting to his feelings. It was only right that I followed my captain's example.

"I listened to Nyota because if you came back, then by human standards, I would get to keep you. That you would be mine."

Jim let out a sound at that. Something between a laugh and a sob that ended up sounding like a whimper. He reared up and kissed me. I was nearly burned by the heat in that kiss which was completely illogical since I know that I have a higher body temperature than Jim. Through the skin contact, I could feel the storm of emotions rage through his body and even through mine due to my touch telepathy. I could feel the lust, desire, fear, elation, and more importantly, the love.

"Now you're not allowed to not be there. You have to always be there. Promise me."

"I promise." I was barely able to give him his promise before he was kissing me again. I just gave in. I fell into that kiss and those emotions and hoped that I never again had to come back to reality. Logically, there was no way this was possible for we still had to breath.

When we broke apart I could see my surroundings again and realized we were putting on a rather inappropriate display of affection in a public park. So I tightened my arms around Jim and stood to my feet bringing him with me.

"Woah! What's wrong?"

"As much as I am enjoying our previous activities, I do not wish for other people to see you like this."

Jim flushed more than our kiss had already put on his face but it was accompanied with a smile. "I can live with that. So where to?"

"I think my apartment is closer."

"If you will put me down, we can go there post haste."

…"If I must."

With Jim's blinding smile as encouragement, we made our way to my assigned quarters with all available speed. My Jim had come back. He was now mine. This sort of settlement required a thorough debriefing and I would never even consider not fulfilling my duties to the best of my ability.

End

Please review! This was my first random Oneshot that I wrote because someone asked me to keep writing. I do not know if it is any good so please let me know!