Natasha sat on the couch in the living room. The TV was on but all she saw was moving pictures and flashes of light. She had no idea what the show was called, what it was about. She couldn't even tell if it was a TV show or a movie. To her the images weren't real. The room, the house wasn't real. But the pain, that was real. It was threatening to pull her under and it was taking everything she had to keep it at bay. She'd gone so long turning a blind eye to everything that it was finally catching up with her. God dammit. It would be so much easier to just not feel anything.
She had tried going to sleep but every time she closed her eyes she saw the faces. Young, old. Boys, girls. Bruised, beaten. Bloody. So much blood.
Natasha was so wrapped up in her thoughts that she didn't hear Tony come in. She didn't hear him close the door and drop his coat and bag on the floor. She didn't see him wait for her to scold him for not putting his things away. Nor did she see him frown and walk further into the house. It wasn't until he came up behind her and put a hand on her shoulder that she reacted. She jumped a foot in the air, moving away from the couch and whoever was touching her. Her hands came up in a defensive stance until she realized that it was just Tony. He stared at her, eyes wide. "Babe, what's wrong?" he said slowly. Natasha lowered her hands and they curled into fists. She was breathing hard but she didn't know why. Everything felt like it was slowly slipping away. "Whoa." Tony said as he reached out to steady her. Natasha flinched as he touched her again. Tony saw her react and dropped his hands. "Natasha what's wrong? Did I leave the toilet seat up again? Did Jarvis try talking to you in the shower? I've told him repeatedly to keep his digital engineered hands off or else I'll sell him on e-bay but he doesn't seem to-" he stopped when he saw her face. She didn't know what she looked like at that moment but she knew how she felt. She felt anxious, mad, scared. Depressed, exhausted. Mad. Terrified. Whatever it was it made him stop talking and walk towards her slowly. He held up his own hands, as an innocent person would to prove they mean no harm.
"Natasha…babe what's wrong? What happened?" Natasha hands were still in fists but now they were shaking. Her whole body was. She didn't feel it but she could see her hands vibrating. Tony was now in front of her. His eyes searched her face but Natasha wasn't looking at him. She couldn't. "Natasha." Tony said again, a little louder this time. "Nat…okay you're starting to scare me here so will you please talk to me." His hands hovered around her, as if he wanted to hold her but was unsure of how she'd react.
Natasha tried to say something but her throat was blocked. It was like someone was squeezing it. Like he had squeezed it. She screamed suddenly, taking an involuntary step back and thus tripping over one of the stairs. Tony reached for her to pull her back and suddenly she was in his arms. She beat her fists against him, struggling to pull away. All she could think of was other hands that had grabbed at her. That had held her tight. Tony held her close, despite her struggles. He was afraid that if he let go she would hurt herself, or would just lose it.
Every instinct in her body told her to keep fighting but eventually her struggles stopped. The shaking stayed, but Tony held her tight enough that she barely felt it. "I saw him." she finally said. She spoke so quietly Tony almost missed it. He felt himself stiffen as he held her. "Saw who?" he asked softly. She had begun to cry but she wasn't making any noise. Tony smoothed her hair back from her face. "Natasha, baby, saw who?" Natasha looked up but she still refused to look him in the eye. "I saw…I saw someone I knew from the Red Room." Tony bit his lip. "Who was it?" Whose ass am I kicking would be a better question but he didn't think now was the best time for him to be himself. Now that she was no longer thrashing he led her over to the couch. They sat so that they were still entwined but that they were side-by-side. Natasha pulled away, tears streaking down her face. Tony waited, hoping that she would finally tell him what was wrong.
Natasha took a shaky breath and began to talk. "When I was thirteen the Red Room sent me on my first mission overseas. I'd been in the field since I was eight but this is the first time I'd been sent somewhere so far away. The mission was like all the others, seduce the mark, get the intel, and kill whoever got in the way." Tony listened while she talked but internally he was resisting the urge to break something. He knew that Natasha needed to get this out, but he always got so tense when she talked about the Red Room and the things they had done to her. This was something he couldn't destroy or kill or dismember. He could only listen. "When I got to the hotel I knew something was wrong. The room wasn't the way it was supposed to be. And he was still there. He was supposed to have gone out. I tried to take him down but he took me by surprise. Before I knew it he had me pinned on the bed and he…" she broke off, unable to go any further. Tony's knuckles were white as he clenched his fists. He was concentrating on breathing evenly, for he didn't want Natasha to know how upset this was making him.
But he made a mental note to ask Jarvis to track the fucker down once Natasha left. No fucking way he was getting away with that.
Natasha choked out another sob. "I was out today buying some stupid fucking groceries…and I saw him. He was coming out of another store. He didn't look any different. He had the same hair, the same stupid mustache. The same hands…and I froze. I stood there frozen and I couldn't move."
Tony wrapped his hand around the back of her head and pulled her towards him. She buried her face in his chest. Natasha hated feeling weak. She hated losing control in front of anyone. But this time she couldn't get a grip and move on. It was as if she had a hole in her chest and Tony arms were the only thing keeping her from completely losing it. And as much as it made her feel weak, she was glad that he was there to keep her in one piece.
Natasha wasn't exactly the touchy-feely type, so under any other circumstances Tony would have silently rejoiced in the fact that he got to hold her for once. But this time he was holding her in case she fell apart. He held her so that if she shattered into a million pieces he would be there to put her back together.
Tony didn't know how long they stayed like that, clinging to each other. After what seemed like hours, he slowly pulled back and moved his hands so that they were on either side of Natasha's face. "Can I say something without you ripping out my jugular?" Natasha smiled slightly but didn't say anything. Tony decided to take that as a yes. "Natasha, you can't always be the saviour. You can't always be the badass redhead who saves the day and never bats an eye." Natasha opened her mouth to argue but Tony kept talking. "Please listen cause I don't normally talk about people besides myself so you should really pay attention."
"You have gone through things that no one should have to go through. Your childhood was taken from you and you didn't deserve that. But you made it out, Nat. You got out. And now you're Shield's deadliest spy, someone who can have a man on his back before he can scream." Natasha gripped his arms where he held her. "You're strong Nat." he said, knowing he had to get this out. "You're strong and you will survive this."
Natasha's face remained the same but Tony thought he saw the corner of her mouth tilt up slightly. "Why Tony Stark. That may be the cheesiest speech you've ever made." Her hand came up to touch his cheek, her thumb brushing across the skin. "But I love you for it."
He smiled at her touch. His head bent as he kissed her lightly. The shaking had gone down, and there was some color back in her cheeks.
"They can't hurt you anymore, Natasha." He said. "They won't hurt you."
It wasn't a promise or a fact, but it was enough. Enough for her thoughts to finally clear and her head to stop spinning.
She folded herself against him and he pressed his hands against her back. "You know, this is a pretty big couch…" Tony said slowly. Natasha felt a smile slowly forming on her face. She knew where this was going. "I can think of a couple things we could do to make use of all this space…" His hands were tracing patterns on her back. She lifted her head from his shoulder and smirked.
"Well then we should get started."