Elmo Does South Park

By Shadowgate

…

The fourth graders of South Park Elementary School were having lunch in the cafeteria. Just randomly Eric Cartman said "hey you guys I'm sure as little children we all watched Sesame Street. Guess what, there's a bastardized version of the theme song."

Kyle looked at Cartman with an angry look and said "the only thing bastardized around here is you fat ass."

Cartman replied "you shouldn't make fun of a kid whose mom wasn't married to his biological dad Kyle. He can't control that."

Kyle said "I'm not calling you a bastard by the out of wedlock definition I'm calling you a bastard because of your lack of decent character."

Cartman said "oh well anyhow Kyle you and everyone else will hear the bastardized version of the Sesame Street Introduction Song."

Cartman plays the Sesame Street intro song from his cell phone and right after the first verse evil laughing is heard.

Clyde flips out and falls on the floor.

Stan yelled "SHUT THAT OFF CARTMAN I THINK CLYDE IS HAVING A SEIZURE!"

Cartman shuts it off and Clyde lied still.

Craig lifted Clyde's head and said "Clyde! Clyde!"

Craig put his head down and Stan felt Clyde's pulse in his neck.

LATER THAT DAY IN THE CLASSROOM!

Mister Garrison spoke "okay class they're making me put my lesson plans aside because there's controversy over a recently released version of the Sesame Street theme song. Also recently a sissy boy fainted in the school cafeteria when he heard this bastardized version played."

Clyde responded "that bastardized version just gives me the creeps and I'm not a sissy boy Mister Garrison."

Mister Garrison mimics Clyde "I'm not a sissy boy Mister Garrison blah blah, and here's Elmo to have a talk with you."

Elmo enters the classroom.

"Hooray Elmo is here to talk to all of you wonderful children today."

Cartman spoke out loud "hey Elmo would you like to suck my cock?"

Mister Garrison yelled "GO STRAIGHT TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE ERIC!"

Elmo said "that student was very rude. He obviously didn't learn any manners so I guess he never watched Sesame Street and learned manners."

Elmo began "Sesame Street has always been a show for small children. It's unfortunate someone put out a version of the theme song with an evil laughter in it. Sesame Street does not promote violence, racism, sexism, or fucking child molestation."

Mister Garrison snapped "ELMO YOU JUST SAID THE F-WORD!"

Elmo replied "fuck yeah I did."

The kids laughed.

Elmo went on to say "Sesame Street is educational but we don't cover Goddamn sex education. Furthermore I am here to officially deny all fucking rumors that Bert and Ernie are a gay couple."

Elmo went on to say "but I'll bet any of you anything that Ernie loves to jack off with his rubber ducky in the bathtub."

The whole class breaks out laughing.

Elmo went on to say "now as I was saying Sesame Street is innocent and does not promote naughty stuff. I don't care what rumors you heard about Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy Goddamn it!"

The class laughs again.

All of a sudden Mister Mackey entered the classroom and asked "what is all the commotion in here?"

Elmo flipped off Mister Mackey.

Mister Mackey asked "did you just flip me off Elmo?"

Elmo answered "no."

Mister Mackey said "yes you did."

Elmo said "alright class your homework for tonight is to write about how Sesame Street is innocent for children. Even if there were a few scenes here and there that were not."

Elmo walked out of the classroom and said "I can't believe the motherfucking bullshit I have to deal with these days."

THE END