Cirno's Math Class
DISCLAIMER: I do not claim possession to, nor invention of the Touhou series in any conceivable method; this fanfic is meant for entertainment.
A sunny day approached the quiet land. Everything was normal during everyone's awakening in Gensokyo. As they went throughout their daily routines, its elementary school became filled with faculty and students, eager to learn and work, despite some being forced to go there. Concerning one of its classrooms, the students entered and took their seats, but its teacher, Kamishirasawa-sensei, was late. Unknown to them, their confusion was about to become multiplied by even more confusion, as a familiar face walked not to her seat, but to the teacher's desk.
Daiyousei asked, "Cirno, why are you up there?"
"No questions from this point! I will allow questions when I say… they are allowed!"
She paused for dramatic effect.
"I will be your teacher from now on. You can call me Cirno-sensei.", with great pride placed in "Cirno-sensei".
Rumia was the first to ask. "Cirno, where is-", she was cut off.
"I WILL HAVE SILENCE!", shouted the 9. "Address me by my title; I worked a lot in college to get it!"
"Yes, um…Cirno-sensei…" Cirno crossed her arms and smiled at the delivery of her "well-earned" title.
"…where is Kamishirasawa-sensei?"
"…she's sick."
"But, Kamishirasawa-sensei's never been sick before…"
"Well, I guess Bento-head-sensei ate something bad.", Cirno replied.
Meanwhile, the real teacher was frantically searching for something in her house to free Mokou, who was frozen for some reason.
"So whatever happens, I am your new teacher!"
"So, Keine's not coming back?"
"I hope not!", she retorted. "I decided to assume my rightful place on the rungs of society by overthrowing her."
"Is that so~?" asked Rumia.
"Yes, it is so~, students! As your new teacher, I will promise to teach you the math that you need to succeed in your lives. This is different from Bento-head-sensei's agenda."
"How so?"
"Come on! She was teaching us how to use long division! Since when is that important?"
"Actually," said Wriggle, "it kind of is."
"…shut up!"
"Besides," she continued, "how do you plan to uphold your 'rightful place'? Keine's more powerful than you."
"No she's not!"
"Actually, I bet that she's exponentially more powerful than you."
"…shut up! Everyone knows that I'm the strongest!" Cirno picked up the roll book.
"All right, I will take attendance."
Wriggle continued. "Cirno, are you really going to do this?"
"I WILL HAVE SILENCE!", shouted the 9. "Address me by my title; I worked a lot in college to get it!"
"Well, this will be a great class.", she scoffed.
Cirno froze Wriggle and her desk in a block of ice.
"And anyone who mocks my teaching skillz will be dealt with in the same way, got it?"
All the other classmates soon sat at full attention, as being frozen was a far worse punishment to them than Keine's paper moon.
"Okay, so I will take the roll now. Mystia?"
"Here!"
"Daiyousei?"
"Um…here!"
"Chen!"
"Yes?" (She was asleep)
"Rumia!"
"Here."
"Hieda."
"Present."
"Cirno! Hey, that's me! Wriggle Nightbug?" She scanned the classroom.
"…she must be truant. I almost feel sorry for her. And, Flandre. Flandre?"
She was not present.
"Where is Flandre? Anyone?"
As if on cue, she ran into the classroom.
"Ah! Kamishirasawa-sensei, I'm sorry I'm la…what?"
"Flandre Scarlet! What are you late?"
"Cirno? What are you doing up there?"
"I will be your new teacher; if you had been here on time, you would have known that already."
"But that's ridiculous! Where's Keine?"
"Who gives a damn?! I will be your new teacher! Now please, take your seat!"
"But you're a student! How could she-"
She was frozen.
"Okay, Hieda! Place our two offenders in the corner over there."
"…yes, Cirno-sensei."
Flandre was frozen in mid-speech. Wriggle was frozen with a sarcastic grin.
"All right! Let's get to work, students! Open your books to page…um, what page are we on again?"
Chen replied, "75, chapter 5."
"I KNEW THAT! DO NOT THINK I DIDN'T!"
"Um…"
"Okay, let's see what this says…'This chapter is concerned with simple multiplication problems. After this lesson, the student should be able to multiply 2 single-digit numbers together.'
Cirno thought about it for a bit.
"So, that sounds nice and hard, right?"
The book had a picture of a child playing with a paper airplane next to some practice questions.
"Mystia!"
"Yes, Cirno-sensei?"
"What do you think of this kid here?"
"Well…what?"
"Answer the question, Mystia!"
"…I think that this kid is playing with a paper airplane…he just got it as a present for his birthday?"
"Right! That was a great answer! And why do you think this child did to deserve such a gift?"
"It was his birthday."
"…exactly. So, we can say this child is having fun with this piece of paper."
"Yes, Cirno-sensei, but what does this have to do with multiplication?"
"WHAT?! IT HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH MULTIPLICATION! WHY DO YOU THINK THEY PUT THIS PICTURE NEXT TO THE QUESTIONS?!"
"…so the book looks more colorful?"
"No, Mystia! It's because it's part of the lesson! To understand multiplying stuff, we must understand the things placed around multiplying!"
"So, we're going to look at the page numbers next?"
"Exactly! That is why I'm a genius! In fact, I think we've covered all we can on this little kid here. Let's go to the page numbers. What can we say about them?"
To avoid boredom, this section of the story is abridged. We continue with the point after Cirno asking the questions about everything around the practice questions. As one can imagine, even the frozen Wriggle and Flandre looked bored.
So, now we've covered everything around these questions. Let's tackle the problems now, shall we? Mystia, what is 5 times 7?"
"It's 35."
Cirno was taken aback in shock. "No! That is incorrect!"
"…no it's not."
"Yes it is!"
"…I have a calculator."
"And this great calculator gave you '35'?"
"Yes."
"Well, it's wrong! And why are you using a calculator?! This is basic arithm…matic!"
"But you don't even know it."
She was frozen. The class was running out of students.
"Hieda! What is 5 times 7?"
"35."
"WHAT?! NO! That's wrong!"
Hieda didn't know what to say. "…what?"
"FINE! If this class cannot do even a simple arith…thimetic problem, I will have to show you! Here!"
She wrote "5x7" on the board and an equal sign next to it.
"It is 38! See?"
"No.", replied Chen.
"What?!"
"But it's 35…"
"Is this for real? Fine, I'll do another one." She said it with great hubris. "Chen, what is the answer to 5 times 3?"
"15."
"WHAT?! NO! That's wrong!"
"…how?"
"You were only one number off, Chen! It's 16!"
"No it's not."
She was frozen.
"Okay! I guess we'll have to use pictures…" She wrote 3 sets of 5 dots on the chalk board, and counted them.
"Look. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 10, 11, 12-"
"Wait, Cirno-sensei!", said Hieda.
"What?"
"You forgot the 9."
"What are you talking about?"
"You didn't write the 9, Cirno-sensei."
"EXCUSE ME?!" She was very insulted. "Did you think I was going to use such a useless number?!"
Rumia was next to voice the opinion of the class.
"Cirno, seriously, I think that this class isn't going anywhere; we need Kamishirasawa-sensei, because she uses the number 9."
"…but I'm teaching math! I'm doing a good job, right?"
The class was silent. Cirno was choking in front of the entire class! What is she going to do?! Every passing second of silence multiplied her stress, and multiplied her fear of being made fun of afterward. This awkwardness is well-known to everyone, and to someone like Cirno, she knows it all too well. This dead end, however, was soon cleared with a another "good" idea of hers.
"What if we had a guest speak on this subject matter? What to you think about that?"
"Um…what?"
"I'll be right back!"
She woke up Letty, who was resting on a hammock.
"Letty! Come on! We've got to go to school!"
"…Cirno, why?"
"You're going to be a guest speaker!"
"What?"
"Come on!"
"But I don't want to be a guest speaker…what is this even for?"
"It's for school, Letty! For school! You'll be speaking in front of prospective seniors like you!"
"What? I'm not a senior!"
"…whatever! Just come with me!"
"But I was sleeping…"
Back at the classroom, Wriggle's ice block was thawed enough for her to break free.
"Ah! What the…sheesh! Where's she?!"
"She left to get a guest or something?", replied Rumia.
"Whatever, I'm going to break Sparrow, Flan and Chen out!" She summoned a spell card and soon after, a large amount of insects soon arrived to break the ice away.
"Um, Wriggle?"
"What, Hieda?"
"Kamishirasawa-sensei told us not to use spell cards in class."
"This is an emergency, Hieda! Do you know any?"
"Well…one."
"Try it, then! My bugs aren't doing anything!"
She announced the spell card, Physical Armistice [4th Movement], and a large amount of energy entered into her fists. She then broke all the blocks with them.
Cirno arrived with Letty in tow. Her prisoners were all sitting in their desks, clothes soggy from the ice.
"What?! How did you all get free?! I'll give you detention for this!"
"Now, now, Cirno, don't kid around like that. Where's Keine?"
"What are you talking about? I'm the teacher."
"…what?"
"Yep! I'm Cirno-sensei!"
"…Cirno, where's the real teacher?"
"What are you talking about?! I'm the real teacher! Cirno-sensei! Talk about math!"
"What about math?"
"MULTIPLICATION!"
"Did Keine approve of this?"
"NO! Forget about Bento-head-sensei and talk about multiplication!"
"Well…Cirno, you're not the teacher-"
"ALL RIGHT! I GUESS I'LL GET SOMEONE ELSE!"
She flew out the window in an angry storm of wind to find another guest.
"Cirno? Does this mean that I can go back to bed?"
"This isn't working! Who could I use to teach them about the wonders of math? They're sitting there just waiting to be taught this simple stuff…I know! I'll get Marisa! She's cool and knows about math…right?"
She arrived at her house and rapped on the door. Shanghai answered it.
"Um…why are you here?"
"Alice is here."
"Well I don't give a hoot about Alice, Shanghai! Is Marisa there? I need her!"
"She's sleeping."
"What?! Why the hell is everyone sleeping?! Lazy town…oh, I need her to come with me!"
"Why?"
"To speak as a guest of honor about math!"
"But she's sleeping, Cirno. It would be a bit rude to wake her up for such a trivial-"
Marisa soon appeared behind her.
"What's this? Guest? What am I a guest of, Cirno?"
"I want you to talk about math! The class doesn't know even the simplest things, so I'm trying to get someone else to teach the material with me."
"So, you're saying that two teacher would help speed things along?"
"Exactly! Why doesn't Letty see that?"
"Well, she's lazy. Give me a bit to change my clothes and I'll be right there!"
Meanwhile, the empty class was talking about everything except math; Hieda was reading a book, Mystia and Wriggle were playing cards, and Chen was sleeping on her desk like a cat. Everyone else was just talking.
Cirno came back with Marisa.
"WHAT?! WHAT IS THIS?! STOP THIS NONSENSE RIGHT NOW! AND WHERE'S LETTY?"
"She left."
"Left?! Oh, that is BRILLIANT! Well, I don't need her anyway, so Marisa, do your thing!"
"Okay, students, settle down, settle down."
"What? Now she's the teacher?"
"Hell yeah I'm the teacher! I'm going to teach you kiddoes about multiplying things."
The class was silent.
"So, where can we start? Hm…all right! So, I have in my hand here 5 oranges."
There really wasn't anything there.
'What if I cloned these oranges into my other hand? How much would I have…Chen!"
"You would have 10 oranges."
"Yes, Chen! That is correct!"
"WAIT! THAT IS NOT CORRECT!"
Marisa looked perplexed. "Why?"
"Why? Why?! WHY?! Because it's wrong, that's why! Goodness does ANYONE in Gensokyo know math?!"
Marisa paused for a moment. "Cirno, I think you should've gotten Eirin for this."
"I don't know where she is! I might get lost in that forest of hers!"
"I think there's a phone here."
Lo and behold, there was.
Cirno was beaming now. "YES! I CAN CALL THE EIENTEI PHARMACY! WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT BEFORE?!"
"…yes, but the side effects are worth it, trust me…okay thank you…yes, goodbye. Hello, welcome to the Eientei Pharmacy Hotline, this is Tewi. How may I help you?"
"TEWI! I NEED YOU TO GET EIRIN FOR ME!"
"…what? Who is this?"
"CIRNO!"
"Oh…um, Eirin is busy right now, can I take a message?"
"No! I need her sagely advice now!"
"And what would be the reason for this?"
"This damn class doesn't know how to multiply! I need her help!"
"No, I'm sorry, but this hotline is for medical questions only."
"I'll give you 20 bucks."
"Please wait while I transfer you."
After a minute or so, Eirin arrived.
"Cirno, how did you get this-"
"Never mind that! I need your help!"
"…okay, what is it?"
"Well, I have Marisa here and-"
"'sup?"
"…Marisa, I don't think she can hear you."
Eirin was puzzled. "What?"
"Never mind! Marisa did this math problem for the class and they said 10 was the answer!"
"What was the question?"
"5 times 2."
"Yes, that's correct."
"WHAT?! I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!"
"What?"
"Isn't it 11?"
"No, it's not."
"YES IT IS!"
"Cirno, I'm a pharmacist and you don't believe me?"
"Hell no!"
"Anyway, it seems that the problem is that you're using base 9."
"So?"
"Well, Earth uses base 10."
"…it does?"
"Yes. I had a similar problem a few days ago; A person named Utsuho-san called here with the same situation and it turned out that she was using base 6 for some reason."
"But I thought that the moon people use base 9!"
"Actually, we use base 12."
"…what?"
"It's more efficient. So anyways, does that clear any mishaps of yours?"
"…yes."
"All right then. Have a good day, Cirno."
"…goodbye."
She hung up the phone and turned to face the class, who was playing again.
"Okay, well…"
They weren't paying attention.
"It seems that…"
They still weren't paying attention.
"HEY! SHUT UP!"
They did so.
"So, Cirno, you don't need me anymore, right?", asked Marisa.
"…no, you can go. Thank you."
"No sweat, babe. I'm all primed up now, so I'll be going to Reimu's to steal her donations now! See ya!" She ran out the door.
"So what were you saying?"
"It seems that Eirin was correct."
Wriggle was quick to exploit this. "So does that mean that you're wrong?"
"…NO! No it's not! I'm never wrong!"
"Well, what is this, then?"
"…I don't know, but I'm not wrong!"
"Really?"
"I'm never wrong! I'm Cirno-sensei!"
"Not anymore."
Keine stood at the classroom's door.
"Oh! Bento-head-sensei!"
She really is an idiot.
"You froze Mokou-chan. I'm sure of that. But why do you have my roll book, which has my grades in it as well?"
"This book has our grades in it?"
During this, the class was silent. All were staring at Keine.
Flandre was first. "Why did you call her Mokou-chan?"
"…um…FORGET THAT! That is not part of this problem here…as for you, you did something very bad, Cirno, and I would like it very much if you apologize to me and the class."
"Um…okay, fine." She went up to the front of the desks and said:
"I'm sorry, I guess, for thinking I could teach the class. I-"
"Wait, you were teaching the class?", asked Keine.
"…yes."
"Oh! My goodness! I thought that your prank would cause everybody to sit around and do nothing!"
"…what?"
"Well, I assume that's why you had my roll book…Cirno, I'm very happy that you took the initiative to teach in my place…even considering that you were the one that froze Mokou-ch-" She caught herself. "You're a very good student, Cirno."
While the 9 was very proud of this compliment, the rest of the class burst into protest, saying all that happened.
"But we didn't learn anything!"
"She was like a dictator!"
"She froze me!"
"She froze me!"
"She froze me, too!"
"She brought Marisa in here!"
"Now, now, children. We must consider that Cirno did try to teach this class in my absence. After all, maybe this is what Cirno wants to do. Maybe she wishes to teach a classroom someday. You never can tell."
"…you think I can teach?"
"Sure, Cirno. Well, with practice, after all. I mean, seriously, you don't use base-10."
"But my last test!"
"You failed."
"But I'm the strongest!"
"…okay, no matter what, you need to be punished, so you know where the buckets are. Take them and go stand out in the hall."
"For how long?"
"Until I feel like calling you in."
She went outside, and everyone else was happy to take in whatever class time they had without Cirno.
Tewi came to Cirno, who was still outside the door.
"Oh, hey, Tewi! Can you hold these for me while I get some candy?"
"Where's my 20?"
~Fin~
A few of these jokes are from other sources: The paper moon is from Colonel Aki's "Life of a Maid" 4-koma, and the base-9 thing is from a manga by Maiku.
Also there is no "real" spell card entitled "Physical Armistice [4th Movement]".