Author's Notes:
An anonymous reviewer pointed out today that, judging by his words in this fiction, Castiel's memory must be faulty, as he has often times not been there for Dean, and Dean is certainly not the only party guilty of lying to everyone.
I seek to explore a new facet of Castiel in this story, and that is his humanity. When people become desperate, they often twist a situation or say things that they don't really mean. This reviewer also pointed out that that Cas, of all people, should understand smaller sacrifices for the greater good. Absolutely he should be one who would understand that, if Dean is asking him to leave, it is with a purpose and for a reason. Again, so much emotion is fresh for him, especially following the betrayal of April, and considering that Cas is likely exhausted and unable to think straight, it's only logical that he would please for help from the only person he knows can give any.
I hate anonymous reviews because I can not address the reviewer directly, but I hope this helps clears up a few of those issues. I understand that some things may be canonically incorrect, but hey, it's all fanfiction here! Enjoy!
Don't Have to Go Home – by Meg Trast
"You can't stay."
The words rattled around Castiel's mind. He searched Dean's face for a sign of jest. Was this another kind of humor that he hadn't yet figured out?
When Dean's expression never changed from sincere, however, Cas's countenance dropped.
Dean was fighting to maintain eye contact, clenching his teeth against the despair in the features of his newly-human friend. Sam comes first, he reminded himself. You're doing this to protect Sam. There is no other way. He wanted to take it back, of course, but Cas had lasted this long. He could take care of himself.
Blue eyes stared up. Castiel didn't speak for a long time, and when he did, all that would come out was, "Oh."
"It's just that, if someone somehow managed to track you here, there is a lot at stake, y'know..." explanations tumbled from Dean's lips, combinations of words that tried to make sense of why he was being a complete ass toward the last person who deserved it. No matter how he tried to arrange those words, though, they all meant the same thing: I'm not willing to risk anything for you. If only he could tell Cas the truth, explain that Sam might die if he let him stay, but all he could do was babble excuses that didn't make any logical sense.
"Dean, it's okay, I understand. My presence is a danger to everyone here, and to the secrecy of this bunker." He set down the last uneaten bites of his burrito, previously ravenous appetite suddenly gone. It was the first time in weeks he hadn't been hungry. He'd imagined fullness would feel more...full. Not like someone kicked him in the stomach.
Face hot, Dean bit down on his tongue, before saying, "I mean, you don't have to go far. We'll keep an eye on you, I'll find you a place, of course." He didn't know what else to say. Lying felt wrong enough, but this was sick. Dean knew it.
Cas nodded, slowly, casting his eyes to the ground. "I understand. I will leave first thing tomorrow. You will not have to force me, it is for the wellfare of Sam and yourself." He rose from his seat, brushing past Dean to leave the room before any emotion could be read on his face.
"Cas, wait-" Dean grabbed him by the shoulder, and Cas spun around, sharply.
"There is one thing that I do not understand," he said, brushing Dean's hand off of him.
Just one? Dean thought, unable to verbally respond.
"I have always been there for you. I have always answered your prayers." His fists were clenched, and Dean realized that Cas was shaking. "You have always been among my highest priorities, even when it meant I would be in danger. Tell me, Dean, do I not mean that much to you?"
"It's not like that!" Dean tried. "It's not...I can't really explain it to you right now. It will all make sense eventually, I swear-"
"Eventually I will be dead, Dean. I don't have 'forever' any more." Cas' lip trembled. He'd tried so hard not to think about it since falling, but his mouth was about to tell Dean everything anyway. "I lost...I lost my wings. I am...Earth bound. I don't...I can't..." His voice abandoned him. Castiel bit down on his lip, trying to rein in his emotions. Anger had been the most difficult thing to understand and control in this new life, and Cas never understood how he could be so furious and so sad at the same time. The emotions would bubble up any time he thought about his wings being clipped. It hurt, more than just physically. His eyes were tearing up, and Cas began to panic.
"I'm sorry, Cas, I didn't-"
"You're sorry. Are you sorry, Dean? Or are you saying that to counter the guilt you would experience otherwise?" A tear escaped Castiel's eye, sliding down his nose toward his lips. "Everything is new. Everything. I have never been so scared."
Dean would have preferred to be a punching bag for an ogre at that moment. Cas looked like he was on the verge of breaking. His knuckles were turning white, and his entire frame vibrated with terror and with grief. I have to do this. I have to protect Sam. I can't let anything happen to him. I won't. Not again.
"Cas, believe me, I don't want to. I just...we just can't risk the bad guys finding this place."
"You talk about family," Cas interrupted. "How it's the most important thing in the world. Even when you don't say it, I know you, Dean. I thought that...well, I thought that, maybe..."
"Cas, don't think that I don't-"
"I need you!"
Castiel's shout made Dean jump. It echoed around the small room, begging him to listen. Then, there was silence. Cas swiped angrily at his eyes, which just filled right back up.
"Please," he whimpered, breath catching slightly as he sniffled. "I can not do this alone. I need you."
Cas needed him. Dean tried not to think about all the times he'd fallen to his knees, begging for Cas to come for him, to help him because he was at wit's end. He tried not to fathom every instance that Castiel appeared and sacrificed for him and Sam, time and again. He tried, but the thoughts came anyway, and Dean realized that he couldn't do it. If he cast him out, it was a death sentence. Maybe not today, maybe not this week, but they would catch up with him and they would kill him, and they most likely would not do it quickly.
He wouldn't be responsible for that.
Cas was staring at him, frozen in place, jaw clenched tightly to keep his voice from betraying him.
If Ezekiel was going to abandon Sam and allow him to die, that would be on him. That would be Ezekiel's sin to live with. Dean was not going to abandon anyone, especially not Cas, and especially not now. He deserved some peace, he had already been running for so long, and he was hungry and tired.
With a small step forward, Dean snatched Castiel into a tight embrace, clenching his eyes against the tears that threatened to spill forth. Cas collapsed into him, finally setting loose all of the fear and anger and grief that he'd been grasping so tightly. Sobs wracked his shoulders.
"You're right," Dean whispered, swearing inwardly when his voice cracked. "I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry," Cas cried, clutching at Dean's jacket.
"Don't. Just...don't."
Dean held Castiel while he cried, really cried, for the first time since he'd lost his grace. It was the first time he'd been allowed to mourn. For himself. For his fallen brothers and sisters. For his Heaven, which he might never see again. For his Father, who was far away, if he still was at all. At some point, they had collapsed onto the floor, kneeling against each other, while Dean supported Cas like he knew he should have done from the beginning.
The sobbing soon died down to soft gasping, and Dean gave his friend a squeeze before pushing him away by his shoulders. Castiel's blue eyes were bloodshot and sported dark half-moons beneath them.
"I am sorry, Dean," he tried to rub the tears away from his eyes. "I should not have-"
"You're gonna be safe, now." Dean assured him. "Don't be sorry. You deserve a safe place. I'm sorry that I even...I was wrong, okay?"
Cas swallowed and nodded, fighting the next wave of tears back. Dean had seen him cry enough. "Thank you," he whispered.
Dean sighed and tightened his grip on Castiel's shoulders, eyeing Sam, who had been standing in the doorway for goodness-knows-how-long. It wasn't really Sam, Dean knew. He'd made his choice.
Gaze not averting that of his brother's, Dean stood up, bringing Cas with him. "Let's get you to bed."