Cutting The Cord, a twilight fanfic

I couldn't help but give into the smug thoughts that were crowding the front of my brain just then. The thousands of 'I told you it would hurt,' 'You're dumb for letting it get this far,' and 'I fucking told you, Bella.'

-It's not like I planned it...for it to go this way. It just happened, right?

Right.

I didn't ask her to come over knowing damn well she'd be here at the same time she was here every other Saturday afternoon. I didn't think about that whatsoever.

Or the fact that she'd been talking about it lately...about the natural progression of a teenage relationship and how 'I have needs too, Jake.'

And the ironic thing was that it was after all the times it had happened the other way around. How I had to contain the bile that always filled my throat and mouth when I had to see if time after damn time.

The looks of her martyr-love with her parasitic boyfriend. The undisclosed engagement right after the bestfiveminutes of mylife.

The wedding. Oh God, that sick version of a wedding. The 'maybe-we-might-try-to-have-sex-that-will-surely-kill-me-but-what-the-heck and Jake it's none of your business.'

I wasn't actually happy about this, no. I wasn't the one who got off at the thought of my best friend in pain over me.

But...it's the only way she'll really understand. Because me telling her didn't work. Me kissing her and trying to pour my fucking soul into hers through my lips and all that soulmate bullshit- that didn't work. Nothing would put it through her thick skull the way she needed to get it. She wouldn't really see what the hell I've been talking about this whole time. Not until this bullet was shot through her own heart.

Maybe now she'll understand. Maybe she'll feel it...like the way I've had to hurt and carry on and drag myself over coals to be able to see her face the next time anyway. She could feel her own tears fall instead of mine. She could feel her own heart break instead of mine. See her 'what-ifs' instead of me seeing mine....

I did occasionally glance at the clock after I got off the phone with her. She'd told me that she'd be there in twenty minutes, after she'd 'freshened up' (a.k.a. trying to find a not-too-skanky but not-too-prudish outfit to maybe get laid in). I tried not to notice how my heart was slowly sinking at the thought of what kind of condition it would be in after this was all said and done. I pushed past all that and instead, lingered on the fact that I would get it over with and be able to move on with my life. Maybe. If I felt whole enough to, if I felt like I accomplished something by losing my virginity.

-My virtue was not something I really gave a damn about. At least, once I finally realized that it wasn't going anywhere when I was holding out for Bella.

Once I woke up from this one dream I had, where it really did happen and it was amazing as I'm sure it would've been...but the next night when Bella and I were thisclose to kissing and the phone call of doom rang through...the romance and 'there's a possibility' shattered to the floor.

So the saving myself for her? It fell to the ground and got stamped on a few times before being thrown into it's own grave where it was buried alive...and Bella then danced on it while singing about her old sparkly love being found, just for good measure you know.

When I heard her car pull up, I took a deep breath and wondered if I was being a complete douchebag for doing this.

But then I saw Lizzie burst through our door in her too-short skirt and tight, green sweater that seemed to bring out her cute freckles and devious grin...and I didn't fucking care anymore.

Because there was someone out there that wanted me. Not some stuck-up leech that spoke in a lame, old-timey way.

Maybe Lizzie really wanted me for the sex thing...maybe not. She was a great girl...and I could think of a lot of great things about her that I liked. But those were insignificant to the fact that I was still hung up on Bella and her damn everything. And this was why I was pushing myself to do this already.

It was all happening faster than I thought it would. There were clothes being thrown around and long kisses separated by groans and moans. There was touching being done and me being undone. I was losing an uphill battle with the trying to hold it all back- I didn't want to break the poor girl. My thoughts were racing in line with my heartbeats. This wasn't betrayal. This was physical heaven...at least of what I knew about physicality.

But I couldn't help it when I pushed harder and harder at my restraints, to see if they would unravel. And she may have thought it was all her and her lips and her other parts being on me, around me. And it was, it really was. Though...it was also knowing that in the next seven or eight seconds since I heard that rusty truck door slam shut- there'd be the second act in this play. I knew it was wrong in that moment, but I couldn't help it...I moaned at the thoughts of Bella's face being underneath me instead of Lizzie's. And of course, Lizzie moaned too. I closed my eyes at my own stupidity and insanity.

And the door groaned as it opened to my room, to my next scene.

"YES! Oh hell yes! Harder Jacob!" Lizzie uttered, before bucking wildly underneath me.

The gasp that did not belong to either one of us, was loud enough to be a shriek...

The shudder that went through my body as I finally released all the built-up tension within me shook the whole bed...

The feeling of air whipping between me and Lizzie as she grasped at the blanket on my bed to cover herself up...

The things I saw when I opened my eyes back up...

The tears in her eyes that fell only moments before she slowly turned to walk out the room...they nearly broke me.

Lizzie muttering something about 'should've knocked.'

Me staring after her like she was on fire as she walked out the front door. Me rolling off of her and throwing on my shorts. She chuckled softly, saying she was going to go clean herself up in the bathroom before clutching her clothes to her chest. I vaguely realized I was standing- still naked but half hidden by the wooden panels of the front door. I was holding up the sheer curtain to take a good look.

And even though I looked out the window and saw her sitting in the cab of her truck...I knew what she was thinking. I knew I was right and it was really sinking into her brain.

The thoughts she would probably never admit to anyone else.

'Jake really grew up.'

'Jacob's not mine, afterall.'

'Jacob's moved on with his life.'

'Maybe he's finally happy.'

'This isn't fair. It wasn't supposed to be her.'

'I should apologize for intruding.'

'I should fucking punch him if I knew I wouldn't break my hand again.'

'I should hit her because she just has no right.'

'I should've known this would happen eventually, right?'

'But...it was supposed to be...me.'

'He had to know I was coming over.'

'This shouldn't be bothering me at all.'

'I could just go home right now and have sex with Edward just to spite his ass. But that would be wrong to Edward.'

'Fuck him and his stupid girlfriend.'

'Holy crow, Jake has a girlfriend.'

'I bet she's not even his damn girlfriend. God I hope he didn't catch anything just then.'

'I am so leaving now. And I may not come back. Ever. Again.'

'Well, he just better come out here and do his whole apologizing for breaking his promise of hurting me because fuck, that really hurt and he knows it did. And he knows, he really knows.'

Except...I wasn't going to do that.

I stood there and watched her watching me and waiting for me to come to her. I watched as she looked out her door and waited for the usual apology accompanied by some sad words.

And then I let the curtain fall out of my hand and backed away from the door.

This time, she would need to come to me in order for me to listen. And if she didn't...

Well, it wouldn't be the first time she witheld her friendship because of another person being added to the equation. To our equation.

And in the midst of the flurry that Lizzie left in...in the middle of Billy coming back home from the Clearwater's...in the in-between where Charlie called and asked if I knew where Bella was...

She was still out there. Still sitting in her truck. Still waiting for me.

But after the ache, the longing to reach out and shake some sense into her...'This was just me trying to get you to see what I mean to you, you stupid, selfish, savaging girl. You scathingly beautiful, lit-up girl...That's all!'

I didn't give in to her cries for once in my short-lived life.