NOTE:Comments are welcomed. If you don't get who's viewpoint the story is told from, keep on reading. Honestly, I think the title gives it away. Also, sorry if it isn't historically accurate and stuff... I didn't bother doing any research. ^^' I'm rating this Teen for safety. =')
END NOTE.
What is this?
Why am I here?
Is this the full extent of my existence?
Why? Why do they laugh at my hollow, terrible, bloody life?
How is this fair?
It's all because of them…
I didn't want to…
I swear…
I didn't mean to do it…
They made me! I swear…
Just give me back my old life…
I used to be happy. I used to smile from the heart. I used to laugh merrily. Long ago… So so long ago… Before they came and ruined it all. Before the wars. Before they all ran away… Before I turned into this monster.
I can barely remember it… Those sunny days in the sunflower field with my family… Heh. What do you know? Just thinking about it makes me want to smile. But no… This mask doesn't smile. That would ruin the whole point of wearing a mask. I mean, a mask is to hide who you really are. Not show your colors to the world around you. Those beautiful days… The crystal clear blue skies… I wish I never would have left. I wish I never would've agreed to help the others. But I can't do anything about it now. I left it all behind. I thought I could come back… When the wars struck, no matter how hard I tried to deny it, I knew that I could never have them back.
The World Wars… More memories buried in my brain. Except these ones should've stayed buried. World War Two was the most memorable one for me. Their faces as the death toll for our allies went through the roof… The faces of my enemies as we came with no intent of mercy… Oh those horrifying memories… I wish they would just leave me. But again, no. They haunt me every moment. I fear not even death would save me from their blood drenched faces.
Still today, I would put up with nightmares a thousand times more frightening than that to just go back. I could… Maybe I will one day… But not now. These stupid alliances keep me from that. I have to be the strong one to help them out in their stupid wars. I have to provide them with all their weapons for their stupid wars. If I don't, truly it would be a horrifying blood bath. One that no one should see nor live through.
Strange. I read through the words I write and feel nothing. Not because they are not close to my heart, but I think it's quite opposite. To feel emotions is to betray my heart and ruin this stupid disguise keeping me from the rest of the world. I feel so hollow… This state takes so much out of me… Maybe that's why I drink so much. To try and feel something… Maybe this is why they ran away… Not because of my emptiness, but because I am very very envious of them. They feel something when I- when I- I cannot bring myself to write the pain I have put them through. It hurts me so much to think about it. I didn't mean to hurt them… I didn't mean to make them run… I just wanted them to see past this. I wish they would have. Then maybe none of this would've happened. But alas, I scared them off like I do to everyone who I hold on to.
It's all their fault! If they wouldn't have pressured me into joining their stupid alliance way back when the sky was still blue, none of this would've happened. I would nave no mask, or a need for one. I wish I could- could- no. I don't. I don't want to hurt them… What is done is done… I can't blame them… Yes I can! What am I thinking?! They are the ones who started the wars! They are the ones who made me fight!! They deserve to go through the pain I have endured in the past!! They are the ones who deserve to watch all of their loved ones either run away or die off! It's all them!! I don't deserve this… Who am I kidding? I brought this upon myself. I was the one who agreed to join them… I was the one to walk away. For God's sakes, they didn't scare all of them off…
Why am I always alone?
Why can't I forget everything?
Why isn't there a way out?
All these words…
What do they mean?
I've never heard them before…
Why am I writing this..?
Maybe…
Just maybe…
I'm sorry.
I'm so so sorry.
Listen, I know you're reading this my dear friend.
Until now, I didn't know why I was writing this.
But I understand.
My dearest Toris…
Maybe now…
Maybe you could forgive me?
I really am sorry…
From the deepest depths of my heart, I am.
I didn't mean to…
If they didn't come, I wouldn't have.
Then maybe we-
Anyways… Please forgive me and don't come after me.
I don't think I can last to see another tomorrow.
And my trigger finger really is itching to make the snow outside tainted red…
With love,
Russia