A/N: In my head this happens sometime before Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS.
Summary: Clara's first encounter with the Doctor's wife was certainly a memorable one. "So the TARDIS likes you then does it? Is it only me that it hates?"
Disclaimer: Neither the characters nor the show are mine.
Misconstrued Affection
The Doctor was deflecting Clara's questions as to where they had landed, why they had landed, and why she wasn't allowed to go outside. She was in the middle of demanding to know, for the third time, what it was on his psychic paper that had caused him to suddenly change course mid-route to go see the four suns of Xpnia and land in an unknown place, when the door was flung open.
"Hi honey I'm home." River greeted as she promptly shut and locked the door behind her. She leant back against it, closed her eyes and let out a contented sigh.
Clara's surprised gaze shifted from the woman who had just appeared to the console in the centre of the room. She frowned with curiosity, she could have sworn that the air in the room had grown warmer as the door closed, and she didn't recall the lights on the walls ever being so yellow, and had the TARDIS just purred?
The Doctor stood across from River at the opposite end of the walkway leaning against the console, staring at her intently with a soft smile. When River opened her eyes they locked with his. She grinned, and then proceeded to give him a penetrating visual inspection from top to bottom, and some. She couldn't help it. No matter where he was in his time stream if she looked him over with just the right level of intensity he always shifted self-consciously. And oh how she loved to watch him squirm.
To put an end to her sadistically cruel scrutiny the Doctor quickly pushed himself off the console and swaggered over to her, a cheeky smile plastered on his face.
He contemplated his words carefully; they had to be just right. He wanted to sound impressive, suave and witty. He knew this was the first time Clara had met River, though if it was the first on River's end he wasn't so sure. Regardless, he had two women he wanted to impress with ingenuity. This moment had to be memorable.
In the end he threw it all to the wind and just started babbling.
"Hello dear." He exclaimed, rocking back on his heels with glee, "Did you miss me? Must have. So desperately you couldn't wait until night time to visit? Clearly, of course you did. It is daytime after all." He spun around on the spot. It was a long-established habit of his being unable to be still while he spoke, well while he did anything really. "I'm touched River. Although I understand, because I am a very missable person. Is that even a word? Missable? I think it is now. Ah! Look I just made a new word! Not the first time I've done that though. They really should be giving me royalties for all those words I've contributed to every dictionary in the universe—"
"Hello sweetie." River interrupted with her customary salutation, smiling smugly. She leant in closer to him, her breath tickling his ear and making the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. "And I'm flattered that you're flattered but I wasn't talking to you."
Perhaps it was to be more memorable than he intended. The Doctor was stunned, so stunned he stood cemented in place as she brushed past him tantalisingly and pranced over to the console.
River glanced back over her shoulder to see him staring wide eyed at the door. She smiled wickedly. He never had taken it well when she used terms of affection that weren't directed at him. Even when he had been young and her endearing words only ignited surges of irritation within him he still responded bitterly when she sweet talked other people.
River set about dematerialising the TARDIS and sending it into the time vortex, as she did so she smiled at Clara who stared back at her sceptically. "Hello Clara."
Clara's eyebrows rose. "How do you know my name? Who—"
She was cut off by a loud outburst reverberating from by the door. Both women turned to see the Doctor staring at River, his face contorted in a mixture of horror, bemusement and betrayal.
"What?" he cried indignantly as he started pacing about, flailing arms as he went, "Then who—you don't call other people honey! I'm the only— surely you're not meaning…" his gaze turned upon Clara who was glaring at him, hand on hip, impatiently awaiting an explanation, "Clara!" he choked out, on the verge of disgust.
Clara gasped. He did not have to make it sound so unreasonable. Okay, so she had not the slightest clue who this woman was, and it was completely out of the question that she was addressing her. But all that aside, she was sweet. Very sweet. There was no reason a stranger couldn't see that. Many people had called her sweet before; her parents (doesn't really count, they have to love you), her friends (may have wanted money), Angie and Artie (also wanted money, and a later bed time), and some grateful old men (with very questionable motives).
But nevertheless, she was as perfectly sweet as honey.
"Clara is a lovely girl." River responded calmly, "We both know that Doctor. But she isn't the one I was talking to either."
"Doctor," Clara said hastily, "why is she talking as though she knows who I am?"
He ignored her.
"Clara and I are the only ones here River." He pointed out, "So unless you have misplaced your sanity on the planet Raxoflocapriss somewhere, or breathed in the air from Clorisone and begun speaking to hallucinations that I can't see—"
"Oh shush dear. Are you going to ramble all day?"
The Doctor's eyes grew comically wide and his jaw dropped. "Did you just shush me?" He turned to Clara, "Did she just shush me?"
"Doctor!" Clara cried, trying to get an explanation. But alas, he continued staring manically at the newcomer without even seeming to register she was there at all.
River sighed.
"Oh don't be so overdramatic. I was talking to the TARDIS." She explained slowly, stroking the console with affection. She rolled her eyes at his obvious relief and then turned to properly face the console, still caressing the metal. "I hope he's been treating you right my old girl."
Clara scoffed loudly. There was no doubt the TARDIS was enjoying this. Every light in the room (including places she never even knew had lights) was flashing and fading yellow and orange and the ship was making an array of noises similar to what Clara imagined a household pet made of machinery would.
"Oh right!" she exclaimed, "So the TARDIS likes you then does it? Is it only me that it hates? Keeps locking me out when I try come back in. And relocating my room. When I go looking for it, it is never where I left it. Threw me out of bed the other night when I was fast asleep too."
"Are you sure that wasn't just turbulence?" The Doctor asked. Clara shot him a dirty look. Of course that was when he decided to acknowledge her existence.
"Oh I know it wasn't. I could nearly hear it laughing at me afterwards."
"She does have a sense of humour." River said warmly, laying a hand on the glass chamber. The lights brightened. She eyed the Doctor, "Over a century with him… Oh boy does she need humour."
He huffed.
The console erupted in various grinding and clinking noises as levers moved in harmony with the clatter. River gasped and slapped it. The sounds abruptly ceased.
"Don't be rude!" she hissed.
Clara gaped. "Is it saying bad things about me?"
"Now dear," River started, "when you keep calling her an 'it' of course she is going to show you animosity. The TARDIS has feelings too."
"To be fair River, you do have a bit of an advantage," the Doctor pointed out, feeling the need to give Clara some defence, "a rather large advantage actually. Entirely unfair really. Nobody who walks through those doors will ever be able to equal it."
River pursed her lips, mulling over his words. She nodded. He did have quite a point. Not many people could say they had been conceived in the TARDIS; in fact she was fairly sure she was the first, in this TARDIS at least.
"Well yes," she acknowledged, "we do have a unique bond. She's loved me from the very start."
Clara's eyebrows rose. She found this whole situation rather irritating. Was it really so hard for someone to just tell her who this woman was? "That's not bragging at all."
River turned to look at her, before smiling. She could tell the Doctor was going to get a serious mouthful from Clara soon if he didn't start making explanations. She looked forward to the amusement.
"No, really she has always been fond of me. The TARDIS is basically responsible for my existence," she paused, "but then so am I… but that's another story entirely!" She turned back to the console and gave the rotor another stroke. "It's been so long honey. I've missed you."
"River," the Doctor cried, exasperated, "you were here last week. And would you stop fondling my TARDIS?"
"She was here last week?" Clara repeated. By her memory this strange woman had never been in the TARDIS as long as she had been around, "When? Doctor!"
River hummed saucily, a pert sparkle in her eye. The Doctor took a step away from her instinctively. That look always promised trouble.
"Fondling," she purred, stepping in closer to him and severely invading his personal bubble, "I like that word coming from your mouth sweetie. So many implications."
She watched him panic for a long moment before grinning wickedly and promptly prancing away to the screen where she started inputting coordinates. She peered around the corner of it at him.
"In your timeline maybe." She said with her tone back to normal, "In mine I haven't seen her in a month. Tell me, what was the occasion?" She pulled out the old battered blue diary and began flipping through the pages.
"The anniversary."
River froze. She looked up at him slowly, noting the haunted look he was trying to fight back.
"The anniversary?" he nodded. "Fish custard in Venice?" he nodded again. "Almost linear. Only five weeks ago for me." She quickly closed the diary again and deposited it as she walked to him. She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek followed by a comforting smile. He smiled half-heartedly in return.
"Doctor?" Clara cut in once more. If she said his name enough surely he would remember she was there. If he did notice her, he didn't acknowledge it.
"You haven't seen me in a month?" he asked River, his eyes tinted with concern.
"What?" River blinked a few times, "Oh no I've seen you, numerous times. I just haven't been in the TARDIS for a while."
He frowned. "Then what were we doing if we weren't going anywhere in the TARDIS?"
River smiled at him wickedly.
"Oh Doctor," she drawled, winking at him provocatively, "there are many things we can amuse ourselves with on earth."
The Doctor blushed. Coming from anyone else those words wouldn't have the same effect. But if there was one thing he'd learnt about River over the centuries he'd known her, it was her suggestive tone. And that was certainly it.
Clara's irritation had reached new limits. So, deciding she didn't want to wait one moment longer for an explanation, she dismissed all subtlety and shouted at him. "DOCTOR!"
The Doctor jumped from fright.
"Who is she?" Clara demanded.
"Clara meet… professor?" he asked River tentatively, a questioning look in his eye. River nodded smugly. He suppressed a sigh. Of course she was. If she'd done the anniversary it meant she'd done Manhattan, which meant she was a professor. But he'd never stop hoping.
"Professor River Song. The woman who married me."
"The what?"
"The simpler term being wife." River added. She could just tell this was going to be good. This was the moment she'd been waiting for since she realised Clara didn't know her. So she settled herself against the console and prepared for the show.
"Your wife?" Clara repeated, her voice rising an octave. She stepped towards the Doctor menacingly.
Clara really wasn't sure what to make of that. Or even, what she felt about that. She was almost certain she wasn't jealous. No, she had never really had any romantic intentions concerning the Doctor. The thought had crossed her mind once, fleetingly, a long time before. But she'd quickly dismissed that.
"Yes, I do believe that is what they call it nowadays." He answered offhandedly.
Her ruminations of this revelation paused as her curiosity piqued. "What did they previously call it then?"
"Strife."
River rolled her eyes, and then cast him an exasperated look. "You really shouldn't try to be funny Doctor. You're only capable of making people laugh when it's unintentional." She paused. "And it usually involves some form of self-inflicted injury as well."
He glared back at her. "My clumsiness is not hilarity ensuing."
"Oh, but it is my love." She reached out towards him and tapped his nose mockingly. He pulled a sour face.
As Clara silently observed their interaction she considered again how she really felt about this. She came to the conclusion that what she felt was probably closest to betrayal. She had been travelling with the Doctor for a long time now, and had thought they were growing quite close, very good friends. But to find out he'd been keeping this from her, keeping such an important part of his life secret from her, was a devastating reality check to what she meant to him. Did he really think so little of her that he didn't find it necessary to tell her he was married? Was she just the girl he picked up occasionally because he was bored of travelling alone?
"Doctor!" she called in a loud voice, trying to suppress the aching in her chest, "How could you never have told me you are married?"
"You never asked," was his simple reply.
Clara bit her lip, the anger and hurt building up inside her.
"I never asked," she repeated, affronted, "You don't think that was something you should have told me without my asking? Why would I have asked? You never gave any indication that you were so much attached to someone. Why would I have thought to ask when, for as long as I've been here, I've never seen a hint that there was a woman?"
The Doctor blinked profusely. He hadn't anticipated Clara reacting like this when met with the face of River.
"Had I ever given you the impression I'd been interested in anyone we'd ever come across?"
Clara gaped. "When you show up on a girl's doorstep, whisk her away to see the stars, with just you her and your spaceship, it can give quite an impression!"
River's eyes widened as a startling realisation dawned on her. She had never considered the fact Clara might have had feelings for the Doctor, all her encounters with the girl had never given her reason to. She quickly stepped over to Clara and placed her hands on her shoulders soothingly.
"Oh Clara," she looked into her eyes apologetically, "you weren't hoping for something to happen between you and the Doctor were you? And don't say no just because I'm asking."
"No," she answered shortly. She saw River's eyes turn disbelieving, "and that's the truth. Thank the heavens." River sighed with relief. "But that doesn't excuse him not telling me."
"No, it doesn't." River agreed, squeezing her shoulders gently. "But you know, and I know you do, that this idiot doesn't process things normally. He hasn't half the common sense humans do."
The Doctor gasped loudly. He popped his head over River's shoulder, frowning. "I resent that statement!"
"Oh shut up old man." River scolded. He gasped again before stepping back to sulk in peace. River ignored his silent tantrum and turned her attention back to Clara.
"He doesn't understand social etiquette or expectations. And, bless him, he doesn't even realise when his actions could be leading a girl on. And he doesn't learn from experience either, because it has happened countless times."
Clara lingered for a long moment, trying to maintain her irritated determination. She eventually gave in and her face softened.
"I'm still a bit miffed," she admitted. River nodded.
"Understandable."
River's hands fell back to her sides as Clara stepped away from her to the Doctor. She stood, towering under him, her face as hard as stone.
"I'll forgive you." She announced finally, "Just give me a day. And what did you mean when you said she was here last week?"
"I think you'll find I'm around more often than you think." River answered.
"Usually while you are sleeping," the Doctor added, "Or in the times when I've dropped you back home."
"Doctor, how many times has she been here while I've been travelling with you?"
The Doctor shook his head and neurotically scratched his cheek. "Sorry Clara, I don't keep count."
Clara looked to River who also shook her head. "Sorry dear, you're asking about his timeline, I wouldn't have the faintest idea."
"What do you mean his timeline?"
"We're both time travellers. We never meet in the same order."
"Oh." Clara paused. She grinned widely when it had started to click. She was a genius. "I get it. You know who I am because you've seen me in the future."
"Clever girl." River commended. "The more I meet you the more I find it no wonder you were the one to drag him back to life," she turned a warm smile to the Doctor, who was staring back at her in one of those moments where his age and wisdom were fully reflected in his eyes, "kicking and screaming no doubt. When you are determined to wallow in your despondency, come hell or high water, no force in the universe can stop you. Not even I could. But then came along curious Clara, with a mystery to solve. You never have been able to resist a mystery."
She broke his penetrating gaze and turned to Clara, placing a hand on her shoulder. "Thank you."
"I'm not really sure what I did," Clara responded slowly, confusion etched all over her face, "but I guess, you're welcome."
"Melody Pond—" the Doctor started, his tone serious and slightly reproving.
"Oh my, am I in trouble Doctor?" River asked perkily, "My birth name—"
"Now that we've finished our introductions," he interrupted, hardly missing a beat, "I have a question for you. What have you stolen?"
River smiled. "I am in trouble. What makes you think I've stolen anything?"
"First of all, you heralded me on my psychic paper." He whipped out his psychic paper to illustrate his point. He then proceeded to act out the motions as he spoke, first running to the TARDIS door, "Then, you came bursting in here and locked the door behind you, which means you were anticipating someone trying to get in, someone you didn't want coming in – someone who was following you."
He ran back over and spun around the console, "And then you flew the TARDIS into the time vortex, buying us some time," he paused briefly in front of River to stare her down. She smirked. He whizzed away to the screen, "And now you've set the coordinates for—hah!" he cried triumphantly, however he paused when he read the coordinates again, "I don't know where that is…"
"Such an anti-climax there dear." River taunted, turning to Clara beside her. "He's always doing that."
"I've noticed." Clara laughed. She was beginning to think she might grow to quite like the Doctor's wife.
The Doctor huffed dejectedly. "So maybe you haven't stolen anything. But you've clearly done something. What have you done River?"
"Spoilers." She teased.
"River!"
"Why absolutely nothing sweetie," River divulged. She trailed a finger down the side of his face and under his chin. "I just wanted to see you work that brain of yours. Such a turn on."
"What?" he blinked, taken aback, "You mean… you really haven't done anything?"
"No."
The Doctor's eyes narrowed and he frowned, still not entirely believing her. "Then why are you here?"
River shrugged one shoulder and leant back against the railing, elbows dangling over the edge. "Having the fancy to visit my husband isn't good enough?"
"No," he matched her languid pose, leaning on the console opposite her with his arms crossed, "not really. Where are those coordinates?"
Clara stifled a chuckle as she watched. She found this rather amusing, it was almost like they were having a standoff of indifference.
"Nowhere," River answered, "Well nowhere that I know, I just made them up. If you wish, you can always take us there and we can find out."
She smiled. He was mildly disgusted by the overly exaggerated and frankly fake level of sweetness in her expression.
"I know you came here with a purpose. You called me. You want to go somewhere. Where is it?"
"What is this," her voice sharpened as her eyebrows quirked, "the Spanish inquisition? And no, we're not going to the Spanish inquisition. We're going to a coronation. 1558."
The Doctor knew instantly whose coronation she was referring to. He shook his head vigorously. There was no chance he was going to facilitate that encounter. "Oh no we're not. You are not allowed anywhere within Liz One's timeline."
"Don't be so daft. I'm not the jealous type, not like you." At the look he was giving her she decided to amend her words before he launched into a detailed history of certain actions she'd made at the start of her relationship with him, "Well, not anymore. I just wanted to commend her on her fine taste in husband."
"Are you talking about Queen Elizabeth the first?" Clara asked, frowning from confusion. They both nodded back at her. "But she didn't get married."
"Why yes," River answered, grinning widely as she shot the Doctor a teasing gaze, "but she did nearly elope. And she would have, had someone not popped into a blue box and mysteriously disappeared the night before her wedding." She inhaled sharply and looked at him gleefully, "Ooh! Sound familiar sweetie?"
"I brought her back in time for the wedding did I not?" he defended.
River didn't bother correcting him. She supposed, in an obscure way, he could say he brought her back – what with him throwing himself into the burning TARDIS and causing the universe to right itself and send everyone where they were meant to be, which for Amy happened to be her wedding day. So yes, on second thought, she decided he could claim credit for it.
"And besides," the Doctor added, "I mysteriously disappeared with her. Entirely different scenario."
Meanwhile Clara was gaping at him. "You nearly married the queen of England!"
"He's nearly married a lot of women, and has married just as many."
"Moving on!" The Doctor interrupted, throwing his hands up in dismissal of the topic. He did not like the avenues this conversation could take. Too many of them involved him being subjected to continuous mocking.
"Okay fine," River conceded, "If I can't go to her coronation, how about Louis XIV?"
He shook his head. "No, I was there. Wouldn't want to go again. Dreadfully boring. Also, too close to Madame de Pompadour."
River exhaled explosively. He was purposefully trying to rile her, and she knew it. She also knew that he knew she knew it. And that just made it all the more irritating.
"Madame de Pompadour was born sixty years after Louis XIV's coronation," River seethed.
"Exactly, you see my point. Too close." His smile mocked her. River's eyes darkened.
"Well Doctor! I came here to attend a coronation. And that I will get! So would you mind telling me who's coronation I can attend?"
"Nahh," he waved his hand indicating her to carry on, "This is much more fun. You coming up with ideas, me shooting them down. Continue."
River scowled. He was walking a seriously dangerous path.
Clara gulped. Never before had she thought the Doctor as idiotic as she did now.
The Doctor grinned. No matter how miffed she became from his impish goading, River always forgave him.
"Don't think you're going unpunished." River warned.
His grin widened, taunting her. "I never do."
River inhaled and exhaled deeply. Hands clasped together, and eyes closed, she reined in her emotions. When she opened her eyes again her face was the perfect conveyance of composure, eyes poised and jaw set.
"If you weren't already there," she said calmly, "I'd quite like to meet my stepfather and would be father-in-law."
The Doctor grinned, teeth showing and merriment dancing in his eyes. Despite resistance the corner of River's lips curved up in response.
"Now that is a coronation I haven't been to yet."
"Who?" Clara asked. She wondered if anyone would be able to keep up with this conversation.
"King Henry VIII." River answered, now openly smiling.
"Okay," the Doctor said, his countenance serious – rather an attempt at serious, he was focussing so hard on it he looked puzzled. "I'll agree to this. But you have to promise to behave."
River scoffed loudly. "Me? If anyone is going to get us kicked out sweetie, it's you."
From the look she was being given River knew he didn't agree.
"I think you'll find honey, out of the two of us, you're the one who gives more offence."
"Yes, but I am deliberately offensive dear. You manage to cause insult without intending to."
"I will take that as a testament to my noble character." He answered proudly, chest puffing out for effect. River rolled her eyes, an amused smile playing on her lips.
"Noble and Doctor are not two words I would have put together." River responded. He immediately deflated. "But suit yourself. Let's get to it then. Doctor, take us there and don't forget the stabilisers. It's dreadful putting a gown on when you haven't set the stabilisers."
The Doctor muttered something under his breath, River managed to catch the word 'boringers'.
"What was that?" she asked, eyebrow arched.
"Nothing."
She smiled patronisingly. "Good." She placed a hand on the console, "Dear, make sure he gets the coordinates right." The TARDIS hummed a response. Finally River stepped over to Clara and linked arms with her. "Clara, let's go change."
Clara nodded. The pair had just reached the doorway when the Doctor called out.
"Oh, and River," River turned back to look at him, "I've always liked the purple gown."
She smiled knowingly. "I know sweetie. Call me if you have any trouble putting on your hose!"
He groaned. "Do I have to wear those?"
"Yes!" she cried, "I will not have us turned away or thrown out because you are not dressed for the century!"
She huffed with exasperation. Clara raised the hand not linked in River's elbow to cover the smile on her lips.
When they were a good distance from the control room and Clara was sure the Doctor could no longer hear them she asked the question she'd been wondering about since their destination was determined.
"You said Henry VIII was your stepfather…" she trailed off, looking at River expectantly.
River paused, taking in her question and considering the answer.
"Yes." She said quietly, she paused again. "Tell me, do you know anything of the Doctor's previous companions? The two he travelled with most recently, before you that is."
"Amy and Rory?" Clara asked tentatively. River nodded. "He hasn't told me much, only that they were married – the first… and also the last, married couple he was going to travel with."
River laughed, a short almost completely humourless laugh.
"And," Clara continued hesitantly, "that he lost them. I figured he doesn't like to talk about it."
"You're right. They were my parents—"
"Really?" Clara asked, eyes wide from shock. The Doctor had married his companions' daughter. That was not something she had expected.
River nodded.
"The story goes; it was their wedding anniversary – no one's really sure which one, in earth time it was their tenth. But, being in here for so long, it could have been any number more than that in reality. When you travel with the Doctor you lose track of these things. Anyway, the Doctor came to visit on their anniversary and as a present he took them back to the 16th century…"
River continued her story as they made their way to play grown-up dress-ups. Clara smiled the whole time.
As he walked the corridor to his room after landing the TARDIS the Doctor was sure he'd heard laughing from the direction of the wardrobe.
It unnerved him.
Six hours later…
River pulled Clara in the door by her arm then slammed and bolted it for the second time that day. The Doctor was already at the console and set about flying the ship the moment the door was closed.
They were all three huffing with exhaustion from the run back.
Clara slumped to the ground, clutching her chest as she tried to catch her breath. When she'd first set off to see time and space she had never imagined it would be such a workout. Who needed to go to the gym when you could run with the Doctor?
River, still breathing heavily, glared at the Doctor.
"What!" he exclaimed sheepishly. "It wasn't my fault!"
"It was completely your fault!"She ground out, her voice raspy and strained, "I told you it'd be you who would get us kicked out!"
"Ah! But we weren't kicked out." He pointed out, one finger poised in the air. It was a rather weak attempt at defending himself.
"No," she agreed curtly, "We were chased out by the imperial guards. You nearly got us trampled. By horses. That is not the way I want to go!"
He grimaced at both her tone and the mention of her would-be death, "I'm sorry."
"You just had to go and correct him," River grumbled animatedly, pacing opposite her husband, "one of the most well known scientists of the time."
"Well he was wrong." The Doctor argued.
River stopped walking. She held a warning finger to his lips. "Irrelevant."
"And after you had insulted the food they served at the banquet." Clara joined the conversation, rather, the Doctor's trial.
"It was a dreadful dish," he countered, face contorting in revulsion, "Eugh. Apples."
"And spat out the wine," Clara continued, "Talk about rude."
"It was disgusting." He cried loudly. This was the very reason he had avoided Clara and River meeting, they were ganging up on him. It simply was not fair. He pouted grumpily.
"And then," River interjected, "you tried telling the jousters how to joust!"
"They were doing it wrong!"
"No they weren't!"
"And you had to insist they call you Sir Doctor because of an imaginary knighthood." Clara complained, her mocking tone indicated her extreme disbelief of the matter.
"I have been knighted Clara," he informed her petulantly. He paused, "Right before I was made an enemy of the crown…"
"And then what do you do to top it all off?" River asked. The Doctor opened his mouth to respond, only to realise it was rhetorical.
"Tell them you've got two wives!" both women cried in unison.
"Blasphemy!" River added.
The Doctor grinned now. He couldn't keep sulking through that memory. "That was purely intentional. It was a pun. Didn't you think it was funny? Henry VIII, multiple wives. You must have found it funny. I thought it was brilliantly hilarious."
River's stare hardened, she crossed her arms over her chest. "Well I'm sorry," she deadpanned, "if I didn't find the time to sit down and have a little giggle. I was preoccupied running from a mounted knight."
"They were going to kick us out soon anyway," he explained, "They'd noticed we weren't supposed to be there. We didn't exactly fit in. I just wanted a little fun before we left."
"You could have warned us." Clara bemoaned.
"There's no excitement in casually walking back to the TARDIS."
"I repeat, you could have warned us." Clara said again, more edge to her voice this time. "One minute I was swapping flirty winks with the cute duke, the next I had a lance pointed at me and was being called an adulteress."
"I'm sorry. Next time I'll warn you, okay?" He looked between the two women imploringly. Clara, losing the will to argue, let her glare dissolve under his pitiful look. River's indignant stare didn't falter.
"This is because of me isn't it?" she said softly, after a long silence, "Because I said you inadvertently give offence. You just had to go and prove otherwise. Sweetie, I already knew you are perfectly capable of offending people when you want to. I was merely stating that as a general rule, when you offend someone the majority of the time you haven't even realised it. You didn't have to prove anything."
The Doctor frowned.
"Why would it have anything to do with that?" he murmured. His bemusement was almost too palpable to be believable. And River didn't miss the amused twinkle in his eye. "I was just being my good ol' pleasant self."
"You cannot claim that nothing you did today was purposeful."
"Nothing I did today was purposeful." He echoed, in jest. River's eyebrow rose.
"Rule one." She proffered, her head tilted sideways and hand on hip. The Doctor's only response was an unashamed smile. Her eyes rolled. That was as a good a confession as any.
"So!" he clapped his hands together and rubbed them excitedly, turning to the console, "where to now?"
Clara slumped into the chair and observed as husband and wife flittered around the console pressing buttons, flipping switches and continuously undermining and undoing the work the other had done.
"I don't care, just no more coronations. Please," she pleaded.
River paused mid-motion of flicking a lever the Doctor had just lowered back up. She exhaled forlornly, reminiscing over the events of the day, in particular the comment that had been the precursor to their premature getaway.
"It was kind of ironic…" she conceded. The Doctor's gaze flickered to her and he saw her pouting gloomily, "Now I kind of wish I'd said it."
He smirked, taking advantage of her distraction by grasping the lever she was about to shift and securing it by hand in the downward position he wanted it.
"You claiming to have two wives would have been a whole other level of blasphemy River."
A/N: I really wanted to get this up before the season finale, and my exam revision may have paid the price for it. But, no regrets (I may, however, regret it in the morning when I'm sitting the exam). When I started this I only intended it to be short. But, alas, it ran away with itself. Hope you like it anyway.
Review if you so wish. They're always appreciated.
Thanks for reading!
God Bless,
ARC