Harry was having the best day of his young life. Not only had he and
Ginny kissed and made up for their fight earlier in the day (Harry couldn't
quite recall what it had been about—something about Quidditch skills, to be
sure, as he and Ginny were quite competitive over the position of Seeker),
but he had successfully managed in getting away with "accidentally"
transfiguring his worst enemy, Draco Malfoy, into a large red hen (he was
surprised; normally when one transfigures one living being into another, it
kept the same gender. Has Malfoy been hiding something all these years? he
wondered to himself).
Harry strutted down the hallway humming the peppy melody of the latest Weird Sisters' song. He was feeling on top of the world. Or perhaps only on top of his own little world, because the next thing he knew a door that he had never noticed before was thrown open and nearly hit him in the face. Fortunately, Harry had the reflexes of a Jedi knight and was able to evade the door. But the next thing he saw made him wish the door had knocked him unconscious.
Ron had just emerged from behind the door, followed by Hermione. Harry took a look inside the room they had just exited and found it to be a broom cupboard. Strange, thought Harry, that two of my best friends would study in a broom cupboard without me. Then, the truth dawned on him. Ron and Hermione had quite obviously not been studying. Hermione's "passion purple" lipstick was smeared across her cheeks and onto her neck, and, as Harry could not help but notice, was also smudged on Ron's face. Ron's robes also appeared to be worn backwards, as though they had been put on in a moment of haste. Both had the look of someone who had just risen out of bed, fully rested and full of energy.
Harry stumbled backward in shock. He had known that sexual tension had been mounting between Ron and Hermione, but he had no idea that it had risen to this level. He was even more astonished that neither of them had chosen to tell Harry about their true feelings for one another. He thought that he was their friend, someone who could be trusted when Ron or Hermione had anything to tell him! At this, Harry staggered and managed to turn himself around and run in the opposite direction.
Behind him, he heard the squeak of shoes on the stone floor, the rustle of clothing, and the sound of a slamming door. He knew that if he had disturbed Ron and Hermione before they had managed to do anything serious, they were now going to finish the job.
An hour later, after Harry had managed to calm himself down (he'd had to take all of the relaxing potions he could find in his dormitory, as well as sit in the cozy armchairs that Colin and Dennis Creevy had transfigured to have a pair of hands that gave massages), he walked down the same hallway, fully preparing himself for the worst. He slowly raised his hand, as though his subconscious was trying to prevent him from opening the broom cupboard door. His hand touched the knob, and he slowly turned, preparing for the worst.
"OI, NO STUDENTS ALLOWED IN THIS CUPBOARD!" came the hoarse voice of Argus Filch, caretaker of Hogwarts, from inside the closet.
"Oh! Oh my God! I'm sorry...I didn't know..." stammered Harry.
"Just LEAVE!" cried Filch, and Harry noticed that the caretaker was fumbling with the zipper on his pants. Oh God, Harry thought, don't even want to know what he's been doing.
"Sorry," he said again, before hurrying away, traumatized for the second time by the contents of the same broom cupboard in one day.
Harry jogged back to Gryffindor tower, gasped and managed to breathe the password (karmarannaovadogma) and staggered into the common room, where he was surprised to see Hermione and Ron sitting in their favorite armchairs by the fireplace and drinking hot pumpkin juice.
"Why the hell were you two in Filch's broom closet?" yelled Harry.
"Fine, thanks, how're you?" said Ron in a sarcastic tone.
"Just answer the question!"
"Since when did you become Mr. Detective?" Hermione shot back.
"I just want to know why neither of you told me about this."
At this, Ron and Hermione exchanged furtive glances and sighed.
"Harry..." Hermione said tentatively, "we've been meaning to tell you...but...we never found the right time."
"Oh, I'm sorry if you couldn't take two minutes out of MAKING OUT IN FILCH'S BROOM CUPBOARD TO TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING!"
Hermione sighed. "That's not it, Harry, and you know it."
Harry stood there fuming. He did know it. He knew his pain was self- induced. After all, Ron and Hermione would never try to hurt him. They wanted to have their own secrets. Well, thought Harry, I guess that's one secret revealed. He couldn't help but wonder what other things they might be hiding from him.
"Look, Harry," said Ron, pushing his hair back from his forehead. "You and everybody else has known for years that I've...kind of had a thing for Hermione. And she...I guess..."
"I've been in love with you since year one, Ron," Hermione said timidly. "Ever since you and Harry rescued me from that troll."
"What?" said Harry. "I rescued you too! What makes Ron so special?"
Hermione's answer was so quiet that Harry could barely hear it, though he was certain he caught the words "fiery redhead."
"Oh, whatever," said Harry, now completely exasperated.
"Listen, Harry," said Ron. "I'm really sorry if this hurt you somehow but can't you just be happy for us? I mean we've been listening to the Slytherins taunt us for years about how we're dating and...now we are. Think of it as another way to laugh at them."
Harry brightened at the prospect of this. Ron and Hermione could finally stop the endless taunting from the Slytherins...their misery would end...but Harry still had one more thing to tell them.
"Uh, you guys..." Harry said. "About an hour after I saw...er...you two...well, I went back to the cupboard looking for you guys and Filch was in there..."
"Doing what, dare I ask?" inquired Hermione.
"Er...I think he was masturbating."
Ron and Hermione could only stare wide-eyed and open-mouthed in shock and disgust.
"Well," said Ron, after a few moments' pause, "I guess we're not the only ones to find a use for that closet, eh, Hermione?"
At that, the three burst into laughter. They soon saw Ginny entering the common room, who asked, "What's so funny?"
Harry paused to catch his breath. "Come on, Ginny, I've got a closet to show you..."
Ron and Hermione exploded into another round of laughter as they watched Ginny's confused expression. Harry gently took Ginny by the hand and led her out the common room door.
"Don't do anything I wouldn't do!" Ron shouted after them.
Harry grinned back over his shoulder as he nudged a completely befuddled Ginny across the common room and out of the portrait hole.
Harry strutted down the hallway humming the peppy melody of the latest Weird Sisters' song. He was feeling on top of the world. Or perhaps only on top of his own little world, because the next thing he knew a door that he had never noticed before was thrown open and nearly hit him in the face. Fortunately, Harry had the reflexes of a Jedi knight and was able to evade the door. But the next thing he saw made him wish the door had knocked him unconscious.
Ron had just emerged from behind the door, followed by Hermione. Harry took a look inside the room they had just exited and found it to be a broom cupboard. Strange, thought Harry, that two of my best friends would study in a broom cupboard without me. Then, the truth dawned on him. Ron and Hermione had quite obviously not been studying. Hermione's "passion purple" lipstick was smeared across her cheeks and onto her neck, and, as Harry could not help but notice, was also smudged on Ron's face. Ron's robes also appeared to be worn backwards, as though they had been put on in a moment of haste. Both had the look of someone who had just risen out of bed, fully rested and full of energy.
Harry stumbled backward in shock. He had known that sexual tension had been mounting between Ron and Hermione, but he had no idea that it had risen to this level. He was even more astonished that neither of them had chosen to tell Harry about their true feelings for one another. He thought that he was their friend, someone who could be trusted when Ron or Hermione had anything to tell him! At this, Harry staggered and managed to turn himself around and run in the opposite direction.
Behind him, he heard the squeak of shoes on the stone floor, the rustle of clothing, and the sound of a slamming door. He knew that if he had disturbed Ron and Hermione before they had managed to do anything serious, they were now going to finish the job.
An hour later, after Harry had managed to calm himself down (he'd had to take all of the relaxing potions he could find in his dormitory, as well as sit in the cozy armchairs that Colin and Dennis Creevy had transfigured to have a pair of hands that gave massages), he walked down the same hallway, fully preparing himself for the worst. He slowly raised his hand, as though his subconscious was trying to prevent him from opening the broom cupboard door. His hand touched the knob, and he slowly turned, preparing for the worst.
"OI, NO STUDENTS ALLOWED IN THIS CUPBOARD!" came the hoarse voice of Argus Filch, caretaker of Hogwarts, from inside the closet.
"Oh! Oh my God! I'm sorry...I didn't know..." stammered Harry.
"Just LEAVE!" cried Filch, and Harry noticed that the caretaker was fumbling with the zipper on his pants. Oh God, Harry thought, don't even want to know what he's been doing.
"Sorry," he said again, before hurrying away, traumatized for the second time by the contents of the same broom cupboard in one day.
Harry jogged back to Gryffindor tower, gasped and managed to breathe the password (karmarannaovadogma) and staggered into the common room, where he was surprised to see Hermione and Ron sitting in their favorite armchairs by the fireplace and drinking hot pumpkin juice.
"Why the hell were you two in Filch's broom closet?" yelled Harry.
"Fine, thanks, how're you?" said Ron in a sarcastic tone.
"Just answer the question!"
"Since when did you become Mr. Detective?" Hermione shot back.
"I just want to know why neither of you told me about this."
At this, Ron and Hermione exchanged furtive glances and sighed.
"Harry..." Hermione said tentatively, "we've been meaning to tell you...but...we never found the right time."
"Oh, I'm sorry if you couldn't take two minutes out of MAKING OUT IN FILCH'S BROOM CUPBOARD TO TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING!"
Hermione sighed. "That's not it, Harry, and you know it."
Harry stood there fuming. He did know it. He knew his pain was self- induced. After all, Ron and Hermione would never try to hurt him. They wanted to have their own secrets. Well, thought Harry, I guess that's one secret revealed. He couldn't help but wonder what other things they might be hiding from him.
"Look, Harry," said Ron, pushing his hair back from his forehead. "You and everybody else has known for years that I've...kind of had a thing for Hermione. And she...I guess..."
"I've been in love with you since year one, Ron," Hermione said timidly. "Ever since you and Harry rescued me from that troll."
"What?" said Harry. "I rescued you too! What makes Ron so special?"
Hermione's answer was so quiet that Harry could barely hear it, though he was certain he caught the words "fiery redhead."
"Oh, whatever," said Harry, now completely exasperated.
"Listen, Harry," said Ron. "I'm really sorry if this hurt you somehow but can't you just be happy for us? I mean we've been listening to the Slytherins taunt us for years about how we're dating and...now we are. Think of it as another way to laugh at them."
Harry brightened at the prospect of this. Ron and Hermione could finally stop the endless taunting from the Slytherins...their misery would end...but Harry still had one more thing to tell them.
"Uh, you guys..." Harry said. "About an hour after I saw...er...you two...well, I went back to the cupboard looking for you guys and Filch was in there..."
"Doing what, dare I ask?" inquired Hermione.
"Er...I think he was masturbating."
Ron and Hermione could only stare wide-eyed and open-mouthed in shock and disgust.
"Well," said Ron, after a few moments' pause, "I guess we're not the only ones to find a use for that closet, eh, Hermione?"
At that, the three burst into laughter. They soon saw Ginny entering the common room, who asked, "What's so funny?"
Harry paused to catch his breath. "Come on, Ginny, I've got a closet to show you..."
Ron and Hermione exploded into another round of laughter as they watched Ginny's confused expression. Harry gently took Ginny by the hand and led her out the common room door.
"Don't do anything I wouldn't do!" Ron shouted after them.
Harry grinned back over his shoulder as he nudged a completely befuddled Ginny across the common room and out of the portrait hole.