A/N: These characters and general setting and plot are not mine. They belong to J.K. Rowling.
Remember, don't sue I don't own anything. Except for my cool remix lamp. But that's another story...
And now, without further ado,
How Harry Vanquished the Dark Side
Chapter 1-Death Eater Count: 146 humans and 1 snake
It was Harry's 16th birthday and the Dursley's had given him a present. That present was...NOTHING!! Wow, what a surprise. So, the usual lack of celebration had made time for Harry to think about his problems, organized his emotions and rampage through the house looking for Uncle Vernon's supply of anti-depressants (which he found) and Aunt Petunia's Anger Management Self-Help book (which he read). Thankfully, he wasn't caught, due to the fact that both uncle and cousin were in the hospital as part of a study on the extremely obese. Petunia, being in shock that her loving men were fat, locked herself up in Harry's old cupboard-under-the-stairs. She had taken to eating spiders and woke up one morning with Super Spider Powers. Harry had only seen her in the tabloids since.
So, since he was feeling so much better about himself, Harry began to devise a plan. After 19.64 straight hours of staring at a blank sheet of paper he realized that he would never have the guts to kill the guy who killed his parents. So he gave up.
THE END!
A/N: Just Kidding! Do you really think I would end there? Back to the story...
"Lets see," said, not thought, to himself (the self-help book had talked about saying what you thought out loud so now Harry talked to himself constantly) "If I can't kill him directly, maybe I can kill him indirectly...HE COULD KILL HIMSELF!! I'm a genius!" So the Boy Who Thought All His Problems Were Over stood there with his hands on his waist looking out into space with a silly grin on his face, the picturesque superhero. After a few seconds of complete stupidity, the grin faded and his shoulders slumped.
"He's never going to kill himself," poor Harry sighed. So he dragged himself upstairs, sat on his bed and...
"I'VE GOT IT!!" Harry screamed so loudly that Aunt Petunia, who was currently spying on her arch-nemesis Spiderman (Tobey Maguire filming Spiderman 3) could hear him with the aid of her supersonic hearing. "I CAN ANNOY HIM SO MUCH HE CAN'T STAND IT SO HE KILLS HIMSELF!!!!! I really am a genius!" And with that statement, our scarred hero climbed on top of his bed and resumed his super hero stance.
Petunia's Story
SuperSpiderGirl was crouched on a roof top, completely aware of her surroundings which included the dreaded SPIDERMAN!!
'Look at him, standing there in that irresistibly tight bodysuit, cameras all around. How dare they film him but not the scantily clad SuperSpid-
"I'VE GOT IT!!" a voice screamed at the top of its lungs. Who the voice belonged to was a mystery to her but its results affected her not so raging, unteenage hormones. When she next saw Spiderman, she-
A/N: This is how I'm ending Petunia's Story and how I'll end it every chapter. I'll update when I get 3 reviews. Yes, I know, I'm so demanding. Just please review!! -gives puppy dog eyes- Pretty Please??