Ten Years Later Today

by IHatePants

Ten years into the future, Yamamoto tells Gokudera from the past something that effectively tilts the axis of his world. 8059 Yamamoto/Gokudera.

Title: Ten Years Later Today
Fandom: Katekyo Hitman Reborn!
Pairing: 8059, Yamamoto/Gokudera (at least it's supposed to be)
Rating: PG-13 (I dunno...)
Word Count: 10 000 + [Part 1]
Disclaimer: I don't own any of it.
A/N: I owe my friend Zat pretty much everything for bearing with me throughout the writing process of part 1. If she hadn't, I might just have spontaneously combust because of my own sheer fail.
This is only part 1, there is a second part coming... sometime or other, once I've gotten my life in order.
Also: Posted this on my livejournal ages ago, never got around to posting it here because... well... I pretty much never use this account (I also find it nerve wracking to post in places other than my journal).

XOX

He's been waiting for years and years, waiting and yearning. Gokudera was always interesting and always made him laugh and he likes laughing so he figured that he must like Gokudera as well. It wasn't more than that at first, just him, not yet fifteen with a new interesting and quite odd friend who made him laugh.

The urge to kiss Gokudera had come out of the blue one day. He had been confused at first, why would he want to kiss a boy? But nevertheless, he had realised quite quickly that maybe he liked Gokudera just a bit more than he should, and perhaps a bit differently than he should.

An understandable fear of telling Gokudera held him back. Gokudera hated physical contact and emotional contact even more, the only one he allowed himself get attached to was Tsuna, because Tsuna was the boss and such a good guy that Gokudera didn't have anything to fear.

But it was fine; Yamamoto had his ways after all. An arm slung around a protesting Gokudera's shoulders was all he needed as far as physical contact went. He would do things like that, touch him, bait him, laugh at him, just to see is face flush red out of anger, to see him showing that hilarious two second mood switch that only Gokudera could pull off; pissed at Yamamoto one second, smiling at Tsuna the next.

But then the dreams came; always different and yet always the same. A bedroom, a park, a baseball field, Tsuna's house, in school… the places would vary. There were only ever two constants, Yamamoto himself and Gokudera. Sometimes they'd hold hands, sometimes they'd kiss and sometimes they would…

He could never look Gokudera in the eyes the day after one of those dreams. And his body, in all its hormone filled glory, would cause hard to hide problems that were far beyond embarrassing, even for Yamamoto. He laughed at it, he laughed at it all, just like he always does when facing a problem, because laughing will always help, no matter what.

He waited for a proper moment; he waited for them to grow up. He waited for a sign that Gokudera just might return his feelings or that his own feelings would fade. Nothing happened. They grew up, they hardened, they grew closer, but Gokudera was still out of Yamamoto's reach. No matter how good friends they were (despite the fact that they did little more than argue), Gokudera was still too emotionally detached. Too wrapped up in his shell only ever open towards Tsuna, and even then he held back. Yamamoto could do nothing but wait, just one more day and maybe Gokudera would open up. Just one more day. One more day.

And then, one day, he realized that he had waited for too long. The Vongola hunt had already killed his father and there was no time for emotions or confessions now. All that mattered was survival.

But then fifteen year-old Gokudera showed up after having switched places with his older self. And there was this traitorous feeling of warmth in Yamamoto's chest. Maybe, just maybe, he could change the future in more ways than one.

XOX

Gokudera isn't sure why Yamamoto, nine years and ten months older, pulls him to the side. He argues at first, swears and threatens to blow the bastard sky high despite them being underground, but something in the way Yamamoto looks at him stops him from simply yanking his arm away from the older man's grip and running back to the tenth and Reborn and where things makes sense. He settles for cursing and making damn sure that the baseball idiot knows that he's not pleased with being forced away from the tenth.

He bites his lip and his eyebrows knit closer together as he tries to figure out what this bigger version of the idiot wants to tell him in private. Yamamoto's face is blank, void of any emotions, and that in itself is enough to make cold sweat start to form on Gokudera's brow. His heart is pounding in his chest, his lungs are contracting and he's feeling faint; he's afraid of what Yamamoto is about to tell him, so many bad things have already happened to him today, he isn't sure that he can handle any more bad news.

The corridor is dark and deserted, not to mention cold. Cold steel walls are enveloping them, far away is the light of the room they just left. Gokudera isn't fidgeting, he's just not known for his patience. He's never been patient, and this silence is grating on his nerves. The bastard acted as if he had something important to say, but he has yet to say even a single word. Gokudera bites his tongue to stop himself from screaming profanities.

Yamamoto is just standing there, looming over him in the dark corridor, his eyes far away as if he's wondering if he's doing the right thing. Gokudera swallows. He scuffs his toes against the floor and scratches the back of his neck. And then he realizes how much like the baseball idiot he's acting and the hand leaves his neck quickly, almost as if his fingers had been burned.

And then Yamamoto is looking at him, eyes narrow and serious. They seem to take in Gokudera's entire being, as if Yamamoto needs to confirm that it's really Gokudera he's looking at. Gokudera swallows again; he's leaning away from Yamamoto and he stares at the floor just right of Yamamoto's left shoe.

Suddenly, Yamamoto's hands weigh Gokudera's shoulders down. The sudden motion startles Gokudera and he quickly looks up and then he's standing face to face with Yamamoto. The older Yamamoto is gazing straight into Gokudera's eyes and Gokudera meets his eyes defiantly and angry. What the hell is the bastard up to anyway?

The words spill out of Yamamoto's mouth quickly, so quickly that Gokudera almost convinces himself that he heard wrong. But no, Yamamoto repeats them, slower this time, more controlled. Gokudera can hear the resignation and pain in those words, but his brain is unable to comprehend their meaning.

I love you.

His throat feels dry, his eyes are wide, his heart is pounding so hard in his chest it hurts, the sweat is running down his temple, his forehead, his breaths are quick. Yamamoto's eyes are boring into his and Gokudera can tell that he's serious. More serious than Gokudera has ever seen him before, and that, more than anything, scares him.

A burst of anger makes him slap Yamamoto's hands away. Trust Yamamoto to turn into some kind of fucking paedophile, what the heck is this? He asks as much, or more like yells it. Yamamoto's eyes widen, quite obviously not the reaction he had expected. He catches Gokudera's wrists and holds them tightly and says that he wants to explain. Gokudera takes a deep breath and exhales slowly, damn baseball idiot. Only an idiot would do something as stupid as this, which goes to show that no matter how much Yamamoto has aged these past ten years, he's still very much the same.

Yamamoto says nothing, and that is it. Gokudera has no more patience with this fucking weird game of his, because it has to be a game. He tells Yamamoto to go fuck himself before he turns and starts walking back to the lit area of this underground facility.

Gokudera!

He stops and looks back. Yamamoto looks like he has finally decided what he's going to say, so Gokudera turns, crosses his arms over his chest and waits.

The explanation comes bumbling out of him the same was he used to talk about baseball, way too much information far too quickly. It's slightly incoherent, but the message comes across quite clearly. Even the stupid cow would have understood, or maybe Gokudera is giving him too much credit.

I've loved you for so long, I just never dared to tell you. This may be my last chance, and I'm sorry for laying this on you, but I have to.

When the idiot finishes, Gokudera doesn't know what to do. He feels like he's suspended in space without something to hold on to. There's something heavy in his chest, breathing doesn't come easy to him. He doesn't like this feeling, because he feels helpless, and he must never, ever, be helpless, because if he is, then he's useless. And he's been useless far too often in his life.

They stand there, in the dark, silent. Gokudera finds that he wants to blow something up, smoke a cigarette, study, do something in order to take his mind off of this. His fingers are twitching and his hand automatically moves to his front pocket, but there are no cigarettes there. He knew that before his finger came in touch with his thigh, of course, but it's disquieting nevertheless.

The silence is deafening, Gokudera swallows, and the sound is far too loud. He thinks that maybe it's time to leave now. Maybe Yamamoto finally finished dumping all this emotional crap in his lap. But then Yamamoto says one last thing with a strange far away look in his eyes, as if he isn't really looking at Gokudera, but rather, through him.

I wonder… will he know because I told you?

And Gokudera knows that this is what it is all about. Yamamoto, this older version, is not in love with him as he is now; he is in love what he will become in ten years. But that person is gone, and Yamamoto fears that he will never be able to tell him what he just told Gokudera.

Gokudera grits his teeth. He throws some insults in the old baseball freaks face and runs off, cursing the entire way back to the tenth. He doesn't know what to do about the things he just found out, and not knowing pisses him off more than anything.

XOX

Gokudera lays awake, thoughts swirling inside his head. Nothing makes sense anymore; he's scared, angry and confused. He wants nothing more than to go blow things up, but he can't. If he can't even handle a situation like this, then he will be a liability to the tenth. As the right hand man, he needs to be strong and pull trough no matter what.

Even if the world as he knew it has changed, even if the older version of his kind of sort of not really best friend suddenly told him that said idiot is in love with him, even though he's scared, he has to be strong; for the tenth's sake.

Yamamoto likes him, likes likes him. The concept is weird, foreign. He doesn't really care if some guys want to get into the pants of other guys, but he has a problem with guys who want to get into his pants. It's a creepy thought, that someone who he kind of sort of not really considers a friend wants him, sexually.

And then the thought strikes him. They're teenagers, their hormones are running wild; he knows this because he's read all about it. He knows that most (if not all) teenaged boys jack off to thoughts of their objects of desire, he's done it himself, which means that Yamamoto must have jacked of to the thought of him, Gokudera. And with the same hands that he… touches himself, he's touched Gokudera.

The thought nearly sends Gokudera into hysterics. He suddenly feels vaguely ill and dirty and he decides to take a shower the first thing in the morning. He shudders, the thoughts are plaguing him and he realizes that he needs to fall asleep now, or he'll never do it.

He closes his eyes and takes a deep silent breath and then his ears catch the sound of someone crying. His eyes open, but he doesn't move because he already knows who's crying. The tenth, he must be so worried about his family and friends. Gokudera knows where the only family member he almost cares about (Bianchi) is, she's gathering information. He knows that she's alright. Tsuna, the tenth, doesn't have that luxury.

Gokudera grits his teeth and clenches his fist. He'll make sure that the tenth gets through this, it is his duty. His own problems come second.

XOX

The old Yamamoto is royally pissing Gokudera off. He's acting as if nothing has happened, as if he didn't tilt the axis of Gokudera's world just the night before. He's just acting like some kind of mentor, as if he knows everything and that he's completely infallible. The worst part about it is that Gokudera knows that he is weaker than the man, even if it's only because he's got ten years on Gokudera.

Of course, he would take old mentor Yamamoto over young brainless lustful Yamamoto any day. Too bad he doesn't have a choice, because the old Yamamoto and the young idiot just switched places. In the middle of battle. Gokudera can't stop the sinking feeling of doom in the pit of his stomach.

Things happen faster than he can think; he's just acting out of instinct now. But he's carefully ignoring Yamamoto's existence now that he knows that he and the "back troops" are safe, unconscious, but safe. He shudders and throws himself into the battle again. As long as he's doing some kind of damage, he doesn't have to think. He doesn't want to think, because his mind is plagued enough already.

XOX

He's been avoiding Yamamoto since the idiot showed up. He's been stealthy about it, tried to seem normal, but nevertheless putting more distance in between himself and the idiot than normal. He's been doing a pretty good job too, because no one seems to have noticed that he's different. And that's good, he would worry tenth otherwise, and that is not acceptable.

He's surprised when Reborn pulls him aside. Actually, Reborn doesn't so much pull Gokudera aside as he kicks him in the back of the head and tells him to get his ass into the corridor because they need to have a little chat. Gokudera curses and rubs the back of his neck, but follows orders nevertheless.

The essence of what Reborn tells him is to stop being a jackass and deal. He says that Gokudera should stop focusing on the older Yamamoto's revelation and start focusing on their situation. Gokudera is shocked that Reborn even knows about what Yamamoto told him, but the baby simply smiles in a slightly creepy way that seems to tell him to stop being such a dumbass, of course he knows. Gokudera realises that Reborn is far more perceptive than Gokudera has given him credit for (not that he hasn't known that the baby is smart and perceptive).

But despite his best efforts, Gokudera simply cannot feel comfortable around Yamamoto anymore. Every time they get close, he can hear what the old Yamamoto told him, and his reaction to that is nearly as bad as when he looks Bianchi in the face. His stomach starts to twist and he feels slightly sick. Not that the idiot notices, of course, he tries to be as close as possible… like he always does.

XOX

He has to go on a mission with Yamamoto. He's going to be alone with Yamamoto. The thought is unpleasant. Okay, so it's obvious that the idiot won't rape him, ever, but the thought of being alone with a guy who wants to get into his pants freaks Gokudera out.

Yamamoto keeps smiling that brain dead smile of his, keeps laughing just as dumbly as he did back in their own time and he's doing it despite the fact that they're in deep shit now, and all of it just rubs Gokudera the wrong way. And it's even worse than usual because he can't focus or function around the other boy anymore, his thoughts just keep on going back to that night in the hallway with Yamamoto, the older version, and it forces him to suppress a shudder each time.

He had been getting used to Yamamoto's annoying presence as a wannabe friend, getting used to his presence as a wannabe lover is a lot more difficult. He can't tell Yamamoto that he knows and he can't interact differently with Yamamoto because everyone would notice, and then the tenth would worry and he already has too many things to worry about and Gokudera doesn't want to make it harder for him.

The world is so different and it's taking its toll on Gokudera. He hasn't been able to sleep well at night and his skin has taken an unhealthy pale shade and there are dark circles underneath his eyes. Everything he knew has changed, even his companions. He can't talk about it with anyone, Reborn isn't really the talking type, the tenth has enough problems as it is, Yamamoto is out for obvious reasons and he's just not close to anyone else. The female Sasagawa and the stupid woman are frail and so terribly afraid as it is, the stupid cow and I-pin are only children (and he wouldn't go to the cow if his life depended on it) and Lal Mirch is… well… she's annoying and she wouldn't give a damn.

So he keeps his issues to himself, like he always does and always has. And he doesn't like talking about things like this anyway! Give him a couple of bombs and he can release his stress easily. Causing property damage has always calmed him down, which probably isn't a good thing, but he's in the mafia, so who cares?

As they head out to complete the mission, he tells the fucking moron to go fuck himself, which was a bad choice of words as the thought of Yamamoto along with anything remotely sexual nearly makes him throw up. It's pissing him off how a single confession of impure thoughts from the older version of the baseball freak has turned him further into a wreck than he was before.

Gokudera is all too happy to engage in battle against Gamma, destroying things is the only stress reliever he has, not even his cigarettes do anything for him right now. The fucker he's up against is strong, but he refuses to work with Yamamoto, anything concerning him is disgusting right now.

He's losing and he knows it. But nevertheless, he refuses that fucker's help. He doesn't want to work with Yamamoto, because he doesn't need nor want his help, or his friendship or his disgusting feelings. He doesn't need nor want Yamamoto at all.

Things happen so quickly that Gokudera can't keep up. He's losing but refusing Yamamoto's help and then the baseball freak starts talking to him. And damn it if he isn't far more perceptive than he looks. Damn it. DAMN IT!

In the first place, a right-hand man is supposed to be the leader of the guardians whom the boss can count on the most, isn't he? You're supposed to pull the guardians together! Instead, you've turned away from them. What kind of rubbish is that? Right now, you have no right to call yourself his right hand man.

He's right. Gokudera knows that he's right. He finds that he can't breathe, because that fucker is right. He's noticed, one way or the other, the idiot must have noticed how Gokudera distanced himself from him. Gokudera suddenly feels so transparent, as if he cannot hide a single thing. Has the tenth noticed, has he really troubled the tenth that much? He's such an idiot, isn't he? He really is worthless, more so than he'd thought. He needs to think, he needs to think this through, even though people would say that he thinks too much already.

He doesn't, however, need to think to know what the baseball nut is planning. The idiot is going to get himself killed, and Gokudera is just going to have to stop him before he succeeds. He swallows his pride, his insecurity and his fear; they need to work together if they want to make it out of this battle alive.

But it isn't enough. Their strength as it is now is far from enough to beat Gamma. And when the bastard brings up how the tenth died in this era, Gokudera can't focus, he's seeing red and he loses his cool.

The electricity throws him backwards and his wounds are practically gushing out blood. He falls heavily against the ground, breathing comes hard to him, thinking is impossible and he just can't move. The pain is so intense that he's afraid he'll pass out.

Gokudera really can't stop the scream that rips out of his throat as Gamma steps on his already bruised and wounded hand. The pressure eases and Gokudera can see Yamamoto, trying to help him despite his own battered body. And when Gamma shocks Yamamoto to finish him off, Gokudera catches the baseball freak's eyes and tries to get Gamma to stop. But he is too weak. He can't move; he can only watch Yamamoto go down.

Oh God. Oh God. Somebody… DAMN IT!

Gamma wants information, but Gokudera will die before he gives the fucker any. Not that he can think clearly enough to spill secrets anyway. Gamma's choke hold on his throat makes it even harder to breathe, and Gokudera is actually kind of proud about being able to spit some blood on the bastard. It won't do him any good, but it does make him feel better.

He's starting to lose consciousness from the pain, his thoughts are flooding through his mind, and he can't keep a single one long enough for it to be coherent, except maybe the recurring thought of dying; because he just might be, and he knows it.

The ground is unforgiving as his back hits it, the blow to the head rattling his skull. His eyes are starting to roll back into his head and he's choking on his own blood. There is one last coherent thought in his mind before the dark tendrils of unconsciousness drags him down, this thought is heavy and plagues him more than even the pain in his body.

Yamamoto's dead, and it's my fault.

XOX

As he slowly regains consciousness, the first thing Gokudera becomes aware of is that there are two people nearby. He can hear their voices and their conversation. One voice is calm and collected; the other is frightened and agitated.

He realizes that he's most likely doped up on morphine or some drug of its kind, because he's not in any pain and he should be, considering the damage he took. He really screwed up this time, didn't he? Yamamoto is… is…

"Furthermore, good things always come after a crisis." Reborn's voice sounds encouraging and Gokudera assumes that he's probably trying to cheer the tenth up. Gokudera scrunches his eyebrows together; he needs to tell them what happened. They need to know it was his fault.

"You're crazy! Everyone's badly injured!" the tenth voice raises a pitch as he yells at his home tutor. Gokudera cracks one eye open, that's all he can manage, his other eye feels swollen shut.

"Boss… I'm sorry…" His voice is weak, and he has to force himself not to cough because that would make him seem weak and weak people are burdens. Besides, he's already a burden; he's to going to become a bigger one.

"Gokudera-kun!" The tenth sounds so happy and it makes Gokudera happy at the same time as it makes him ache. He doesn't deserve the tenth's concern; it was his fault after all.

The explanation rushes out of his mouth, and for the first time since he came to this time, Gokudera allows someone to see him vulnerable. He wants to apologize to everyone, but he doesn't think that he can. It's too late, isn't it?

"Gokudera-kun…" The tenth sounds so sad and it makes Gokudera worry. Is making the tenth sad right now a further failure as his right-hand-man? Can he even call himself the tenth's right-hand-man anymore?

"Yamamoto said the same thing. And he also said many, many good things that he said not to tell Gokudera." Reborn's words make all of Gokudera's thoughts stop. Yamamoto said? But that… that would mean…

"What! Then, Yamamoto is-!" Relief washes over Gokudera, the baseball idiot isn't dead after all and Gokudera hasn't screwed up quite as bad as he thought. He knows that his actions were still out of line, and it is his fault that they are out of commission (because there is no way that the idiot is any better of than he is) but at least the other didn't die because of him.

In the end, he decides to snort derisively and act as if the news disgruntles him. It's probably better this way. But he can't stop the warm feeling of utter relief that spreads through his body with the knowledge that the idiot isn't dead.

XOX

Ten days of lying idle in a bed gives one ample time to think. More time than Gokudera wants in fact. It's more than obvious that he has to get over his sudden (and stupid) phobia of the baseball freak. The idiot managed to keep his emotions hidden for nine years and eleven months before he cracked, so Gokudera doesn't really have anything to worry about. Not that the thought of Yamamoto touching him in that way doesn't still freak him out, but he needs to let it go for now, or he most likely won't survive this era.

Being stuck in a hospital bed was definitely good for him, at least the first two days when he was mostly alone because the others were afraid to disturb him in his "frail" condition. Of course, this lovely alone time didn't last. On his third day in the infirmary, the female Sasagawa and the stupid woman brought the idiot cow and I-pin to his room to "play".

XOX

The sound level in Gokudera's hospital room goes through the roof and Gokudera finds himself pressing the heels of his hands against his ears despite the pain such an action causes him. The kids run around the room as the female Sasagawa and the stupid woman sits down in the two chairs on the sides of his bed.

Gokudera doesn't know Chinese so he really doesn't know what I-pin is yelling as she chases the stupid cow around the room. The two girls sitting by his bed are chattering about their day and all the exiting things they've seen. His fingers are twitching and as longs for a cigarette and Gokudera fears that he might just go into withdrawal soon.

The only bright spot of his afternoon is when the tenth arrives. He's battered and looks worse for wear, but humbly dismisses all Gokudera's fussing and tells him to rest and get his strength back. Really, the tenth is such a fantastic person and Gokudera is lucky to be able to be in his presence at all.

Now, if only the girls would leave and take the children with them, his day would be complete. The stupid woman keeps making cow eyes at the tenth, and that reminds him of the stupid cow who is chasing I-pin while trying to smear snot on her shirt.

When the brats tip a vase over, Gokudera loses it.

"Stop running around, you stupid cow!" His voice is rough from lack of use (not to mention the bruises on his neck) and yelling nearly sends him into a fit of couching, but he has enough control over his own body to prevent even the tiniest of coughs. But he is, however, unable to stop the grimace the pain forces out of him.

"Stop yelling at Lambo-kun!" The stupid woman's voice told Gokudera that he barely escaped a slap. He silently noted that being injured was at least good for something. But then again, he'd rather be slapped by the stupid woman than lying confined in a hospital bed as he is right now.

"There, there, please don't fight. Gokudera-kun needs to rest, so maybe… maybe we should take the kids and let him, right Haru-chan?" the female Sasagawa interrupts with a small smile on her face. The stupid woman hiccups.

"Hahi? Eh, right!" she says, obviously startled. Gokudera sighs in relief when the two girls pick up the children and wave good bye before they leave for the kitchen. The tenth stays with him for a while and they talk even as he lies back against the pillows.

The tenth's voice grows softer, and Gokudera's eyelids feel heavy. He falls asleep before he can think about how rude it is of him to fall asleep when the tenth has taken the time to visit.

XOX

On the fifth day in the hospital, Gokudera flees the bed. Walking hurts, opening doors hurts, his body hurts and even breathing hurts when he's standing up. The cold floor makes his feet ache as he slowly walks down the corridor, searching for the baseball freak's room.

Gokudera bites on his thumbnail as he drags his feet, he's a bit unstable, but his arms are still too damaged to be used as support. The dark metal corridors remind him of that first night in the base and the confession that was dumped in his lap. He shivers, both from the memory and from the cold.

He finally finds the idiots room, but he hesitates with his hand above the door handle. Can he really do this? Can he really face the idiot after what transpired between them? He shudders again, there is a heavy weight in the pit of his stomach, and his throat closes painfully. He doesn't really know why he's here, maybe he wants to see that the idiot truly is alive, because he's not going to apologise, not now, not ever, because he can't.

His hand weighs down the handle and the door opens slowly with a small creaking noise. Gokudera peeks inside; the room is bleak, just like his own, completely white without any decoration. The only things in the room are machines, a few chairs, one bed and a white door that leads to the bathroom.

Yamamoto is sleeping in the bed in the far right corner; he's covered in bandages but looks peaceful enough. Gokudera swallows and slowly walks inside and closes the door silently behind him. He's feeling a bit dizzy as he walks towards the bed and the closer he gets, the more his stomach starts to rebel. He almost feels as if he's going to throw up when he finally stands next to the baseball nut's bed.

The idiot is sleeping with a smile on his face; trust him to manage that even with injuries that could have killed his sorry ass; except Gokudera doesn't want to think about Yamamoto's ass or any other part of his anatomy.

Gokudera watches the idiot sleep for a few minutes, he's so peaceful and Gokudera envies that. The baseball freak doesn't even know of the turmoil his older idiot self has caused inside Gokudera's mind; hell, the idiot doesn't even realize that this isn't a game. Gokudera can bet his injured left arm on the fact that Yamamoto probably thinks that they can't really die, that even if he nearly does, he never really will, because it's all a game.

Gokudera has always envied the idiot's innocence. He lost his own when he was eight years old and found out the truth about his mother and her death. That was the day he realized just how cruel the world really is. There is no place for dreams or dreamers, but the baseball idiot doesn't know that, so he can still dream freely.

Gokudera frowns and leaves the baseball idiot's room. He walks slowly, because every step is painful, and the moment he's back in his bed, he nearly starts to cry. It's just not fair, he's only fifteen and he already knows that dreaming is useless, because all his dreams have been crushed.

As a child he dreamed of becoming a famous pianist, just like his mother, but the day he found out about the true nature of her death, that dream fell apart. The only other dream his ever had is to become the tenth's skilled and useful right-hand-man, that dream is useless as well, because he's already failed once, otherwise, the future wouldn't be like this. And even now, he's failing the tenth.

Dreams are for the naïve and the innocent, and Gokudera is neither. Dreams have no place in his world.

XOX

On the seventh day in bed, Gokudera is starting to feel very uncomfortable. Yeah, his one pair of underwear has been washed several times (he's gone commando more times since coming to the future than he had in his entire life before) but he's still been wearing the same pair since he got here… it can't be hygienic.

He found some old clothes in his older self's room that fit him, but he didn't find any underwear. Why, exactly, is that? Does his older self not wear underwear or something? The thought kind of creep him out and he quickly dismisses it from his mind.

Furthermore, he's far too embarrassed to ask the girls (or anyone) to go out and buy him underwear. They could get into trouble, it wouldn't be worth it. He's so envious of the girls, because the female Sasagawa's friend got them underwear. Couldn't she have gotten him some underwear as well?

He sighs and figures that he just has to deal with it, or start wearing panties.

XOX

The eight day in the hospital is like heaven, because he is finally deemed well enough to take a shower on his own. He smells, because he refuses to allow anyone to help him shower, doing that would hurt his pride more than he could possibly stand. Besides, he doesn't feel comfortable being naked around others. Unless it's gym class, everyone changes clothes then and in bath houses one has towels. It isn't the same thing, really.

The water runs over his body and takes dried blood and scabs with it. It turns a disgusting shade of pinkish brown but Gokudera keeps his eyes firmly on the white tiles on the shower's walls. It's a relief to scrub it off, but he has to be careful around the larger wounds that have yet to heal fully and to tread lightly over the bruises that have yet to fade.

The warm water does his aching muscles good; he can practically feel the tension bleed out of them as he slowly and carefully massages his aching body. The soap stings more than he would like to admit and washing his hair is a bitch, but he manages well enough on his own, no way he's asking for help.

Gokudera sits down slowly and leans against the tiles, the water still sprinkling down from the shower head. Part of him wants to stay in the shower until everything makes sense again. He knows that he cannot possibly do that, because the tenth needs him, whatever little thing he can do is needed.

XOX

Gokudera scrutinizes his reflection. His skin is no longer the unhealthy pale shade it had been and the bags under his eyes are gone. Ten days spent mostly alone in a hospital room resting has done him good. The decision to get over what the old version of the baseball idiot told him definitely allowed him to sleep better at night. He doesn't think as much about the idiot's feelings, but he's thinking more and more about the idiot himself and that, Gokudera finds, is disturbing.

He takes a deep breath and shakes the tension out of his muscles as he breathes out. Getting back to training had felt good, he had missed moving around. And while he longed for seeing something other than the white walls of his recovery room, the dreary metal hallways are really not much better when it comes to scenery.

Part of him wants to see the sun again but the rest of him doesn't, not after what happened with that son of a bitch Gamma. Gokudera needs to become stronger, much stronger, or he'll be a burden and a disappointment. He's having trouble dealing with the fact that the baseball idiot is most likely stronger and more useful than him; it's not right and not fair.

The idiot still thinks it's a game, after all. Gokudera finds that insulting, because it means that the baseball freak thinks that Gokudera's entire life has consisted of one big complex game, nothing more than that. And furthermore, the idiot thinks this game is "funny".

Stupid Yamamoto should go hang. And then get his corpse blown up.

Yeah.

XOX

He's failing his training with Bianchi because he can't grasp the concept of his own god damned weapon. If he cannot master his own invention, okay, so he didn't really invent the boxes or anything, but still, if he cannot master it, then he's useless. Because he's not strong enough with only his skull cannon, the fight against Gamma proved that easily enough.

But what's worse is that he cannot even focus on what he's doing, even in the midst of battle, his mind keeps going back to the memory of the baseball nut lying there in his hospital bed and how it was all Gokudera's fault. How Gokudera's weakness nearly cost the idiot his life.

It makes him wonder, because it's not the first time Gokudera has gotten him hurt, just why does the baseball freak like him? He's never done anything to encourage the other's feelings, and yet he's still… he still has them ten years later. It doesn't make sense.

And then his mind goes to the older Yamamoto and the scar on his chin. Is Gokudera to blame for that scar as well? Was it his fault that Yamamoto got that scar in the first place? Was he–

And then his thoughts come to an abrupt end as he needs to dodge another one of Bianchi's scorpions. He has to focus, he has to take this seriously, he has to learn, but his mind won't let him. It keeps straying to the confused mess he has inside of him.

In the end, he only manages to take out two scorpions. He can see that Bianchi is disappointed and once again, Gokudera feels like a failure.

XOX

It's early, but Gokudera couldn't sleep last night. He's tired and he doesn't feel like seeing anyone right now. He thinks about sneaking into the kitchen to eat his breakfast before anyone else shows up. He doesn't think that he can face them right now; he's too ashamed to look the tenth in the face after his complete failure when it comes to training.

As he nears the kitchen, he can hear the tenth's voice ring out in the silence of the metal corridors. Gokudera bites his lip and takes a deep breath. It looks like he can't get out of seeing the tenth right now. He had wanted to wait until he's grasped the concept of his weapon, until he's useful again.

He steels himself and forces a smile before he pushes the door open, here goes nothing.

"Good morning! Tenth–!" He's interrupted by Yamamoto before he gets any further in his greeting.

"We were waiting for you!" He's smiling that same brainless smile as he always is, but Gokudera can see a hint of pride there, somewhere in Yamamoto's posture.

"Morning, Gokudera-kun." The tenth is dressed in the same kind of outfit as the baseball nut, a jacket that looks like it belongs to a sushi chef, and he's smiling; that kind, calm smile Gokudera hasn't seen since they first came to the future.

"Wha–?!" Gokudera doesn't know what to think. Everyone is in the kitchen, except for lawn head and the bastard Hibari and his subordinate what's-his-face. Gokudera looks at them and he knows that his surprise is evident on his face.

"Today, the boys decided that they would take care of breakfast!" The stupid woman smiles, which is kind of unusual considering the fact that she's talking to Gokudera, but Gokudera doesn't really mind because if she can smile, then she isn't scared shitless at least.

"Yamamoto-kun is going to teach us how to hand-roll sushi with the Takesushi skills he inherited." the female Sasagawa adds helpfully. She's smiling as well, but then again, she's always smiling.

"The ingredients are frozen, but I think it's enough to make something good." When does Yamamoto do anything besides smiling? He's kind of like the female Sasagawa in that regard. Now that's a creepy thought.

"Gokudera-kun, come make some too." The tenth is still smiling and on the floor, I-pin and the stupid cow look up at him with wide grins on their small faces.

Gokudera can't shake the feeling that they want to cheer him up. He can feel his face fall when faced with their smiling faces. He doesn't feel like doing something stupid like making sushi right now, and he tells them as much.

He only came to the kitchen to get breakfast in order to get back to training. God knows he needs to train more if he's ever going to get it.

But they won't take no for an answer. The tenth looks flustered and tries to come up with an excuse for why they need him there. It's pretty shallow and Gokudera easily sees through it, but he doesn't have the heart to call him out on it. And then the ranking boy's older version pushes him forward, the stupid cow tries to smear snot all over Gokudera's pants, and he realises that he just has to admit defeat and help them with breakfast.

The idiot throws and arm around Gokudera's shoulders and the weight of it makes Gokudera uncomfortable, but he doesn't push the arm away. A quick glance at the baseball freak's face tells Gokudera that the idiot is surprised but very pleased.

Gokudera pushes that thought out of his mind and starts to roll sushi instead.

XOX

Being contacted by the Varia pisses Gokudera off. Those sons of bitches should go hang, well, no, because they're still a useful part of the Vongola, but every time they cause trouble, they should go hang in order to repent. That it's the fucking shark and the knife bastard who're on the screen doesn't make it better.

Gokudera will not admit it, but hearing the baseball nut greet his opponent in the ring battles as cheerfully as he does angers him. What does that idiot think he's doing? The shark bastard tried to kill him for god's sake! Does the baseball freak have a gay crush on him as well?

That is, in Gokudera's opinion, a very unpleasant thought. Because that would mean that Gokudera and the fucking Shark have something in common, even if it's only that the idiot has inappropriate thoughts of the both of them…

Wait… does that mean that the baseball nut has fantasies about both Gokudera and the sword jerk? … At the same time?

Ew.

XOX

Gokudera will never ever admit it to anyone, but when the older version of the lawn head showed up, Gokudera thought him to be respectable and mature. But it only took the man three minutes to make Gokudera regret ever having the thought. Of course he hasn't changed; he was still the same stupid boxing-nerd as he'd been ten years earlier, in Gokudera's present.

Seeing the female version of the illusionist bastard in such a dire state, however, actually concerned him. She is a strong enough fighter in her own right and right now, they need every help they can get, even if it comes from that sadistic illusionist freak.

He's struck by the thought of how young she is, he never really thought about it when they were in their own time, but looking at her now… she can't be more than thirteen. She's an even younger child than the rest of them. And in this moment, Gokudera has to admit that yes, they are children, no matter how much he wishes to be an adult.

He chews on his thumb nail and pushes those thoughts out of his head. This is not the time to think about how they shouldn't be here, how they shouldn't have to go through all of this; because they are here and they are going through it.

The only thing he can do is to take a deep breath and pull through, no matter the outcome. He will protect the tenth; he will change the future, even if it costs him his life.

XOX

The tenth is amazing, as in, super duper ultra amazing. Watching the tenth take that guy in the warehouse out as easily as brushing dust off his jacket makes Gokudera's pulse quicken with excitement.

Besides, that guy with the lightning boar was a piece of trash compared to the tenth. He didn't even deserve to fight the tenth in the first place, the tenth wasted energy on him. He should have left that guy for Gokudera to handle, really.

The bastard couldn't even draw out the full power of his box weapon, heck, he wasn't even the one to hold the title "top lancer" himself, it was his fucking box. Pathetic piece of crap, and he was damn full of himself too. Loser.

But this mega loser kind of reminds Gokudera of one of his own boxes. Namely the one containing a small kitten he named Uri, because boy does that cat hate him. It actually kind of bothers him that something as small as Uri can hate him so much. He shakes his head to clear his thoughts of that stupid cat.

The tenth didn't even use half of his strength to beat up that lightning loser with the boar (how a boar is connected to lightning, Gokudera doesn't get, but he digresses) and to see him truly prove his greatness was exciting and a confirmation of all the things Gokudera keeps telling people. The tenth is strong, intelligent, and skilled, and that is final.

And it is because he knows that the tenth is strong, intelligent, and skilled that he even let him go the other way in the first place. And no, he did NOT doubt the tenth's abilities; he just… he just wanted to help. It's his duty as the right hand man to help his boss, isn't it?

He isn't sure how, but one way or another, trying to help the tenth ends up with him lying on the floor with the baseball idiot's freakishly big (not to mention warm and calloused) hands on his body (one on his hip, the other quite low on his stomach) and his (surprisingly well defined) abs pressed against his leg… not that he cares or anything. The older version of the lawn head is clinging to him as well, but that isn't as important, because the lawn head doesn't, as far as Gokudera knows, (and here's an incredibly scary thought), lust after him like the baseball nut does.

Gokudera just knows that his face is all red so he throws a temper for good measure, and that way the idiots won't realise that he's embarrassed. And while he's on that train of thought, why is he embarrassed anyway?

But this is not the time to think about such things, they're in the middle of an invasion for God's sake.

XOX

The sudden earthquake takes them by surprise as they run down the long corridor of bleak metal walls. The ground shakes with such intensity that Gokudera almost loses his footing.

The sudden sound of rushing air and something falling makes him turn just in time to see the floor Yamamoto is standing on suddenly dropping. For a moment, everything stills, there's a strange sensation in the pit of Gokudera's stomach, something like dread, fear, and it makes his breath hitch for a mere nanosecond.

"Grab my hand! Yamamoto!" The reaction is purely based on instinct and the knowledge that to split up when in enemy territory is a bad idea.

"Gokudera!" Yamamoto seems so surprised by Gokudera's wish to help, and before Gokudera's eyes, wide with urgency, something so strange and misplaced in this situation happens.

Yamamoto's eyes brightens, a spark is ignited in them. Gokudera thinks it's stemming from hope and... And... That word that starts with an L which Gokudera finds himself unable to think, much less say. Gokudera has never seen anything like it, he has never seen such a display of real emotion from the baseball idiot and for some strange unexplainable reason it leaves him breathless.

"It's too late! You're going to lose your arm!" The lawn-head's shout sounds muffled, as if it's coming from far away or through a filter, Gokudera barely hears it.

But it breaks that one fragile moment and then Yamamoto's face melts into an awkward sheepish smile as he disappears downwards and Gokudera falls backwards.

"That dumbass!"

XOX

Gokudera stares at his hand; it's spindly and heavy with rings. How can this hand, with its busted nails, numerous blisters, and pale skin possibly attract such a reaction from the baseball freak? Gokudera doesn't get it.

Gokudera knows that the idiot has more than platonic feelings for him, but he hasn't, not once, seen such clear evidence of said feelings' existence before. He's known, because the idiot's older self told him, but he's never actually seen it before. But this time, the feelings almost seemed palpable and the intensity of it leaves Gokudera dizzy, because he really doesn't know how to handle this, it is too much and far more than he'd thought.

The memories of Yamamoto's confession resurfaces, and Gokudera realizes that he must have suppressed the intensity of the feelings the old idiot confessed to him, or maybe he simply didn't understand it back then.

He can't make sense of any of it and it leaves him with a strange queasy feeling in the pit of his stomach at the same time as he fears for what this stupid base will throw at the idiot when Gokudera isn't there. He shudders and pushes all of these thoughts out of his mind. They have more pressing matters at hand right now.

A door opens at the end of the hall and they run into a large room with a curious design. In there awaits a rather unpleasant surprise.

Lightning Gamma.

XOX

The battle is fierce, definitely more so than that lightning bastard had anticipated. It makes Gokudera's blood boil, he loves battle and destruction for it allows him to truly let loose. He still needs to keep his temper in check though, but only a little.

It's tiring, his power and strength is slowly but surely running out. He knows that he's lacking some stamina due to years of smoking and damn it, if he makes it out of this alive, then he's never smoking another cigarette in his life. Maybe he can come up with some kind of invention he can use for his bombs or something, because damn it, if he keeps on ruining his stamina by smoking then the fucking baseball nut will surpass him, and that is not acceptable.

The lightning asshole has got ten years on Gokudera who quickly realizes that that damn update box spells trouble, and loads of it. He fights on, the battle is more even than it was the last time they fought, but once more Gokudera realizes that he's just not good enough. It hurts; it's a searing hot pain in his chest that leaves him gasping for breath. He's useless.

But then, something surprising happens. Uri, the good for nothing and spiteful little kitten shows up again, and watching Uri having grown from a useless kitten to a powerful battle ready leopard willing to protect him when he's down gives Gokudera the strength to carry on and keep on fighting, because once more, he has a chance to win. And maybe this time he can give Gamma the kick in the nuts he so readily deserves.

XOX

He wakes, slowly, slowly. He's being carried by someone, his aching arm's slung around their shoulder and their hand's on his hip. He groans in pain as his eyes opens sluggishly, the other pauses for a moment before continuing to drag Gokudera off to God knows where.

He glances to his right, if only to see the face of his captor, turns out that it's the tonfa bastard's henchman, the former vice-president of the disciplinary committee, who's carrying him. Just like last time Gokudera went up against the lightning bastard, except that this time, Gokudera gave as good as he got.

The side of his mouth twitch, now he can tell the baseball freak that he's gotten revenge, for the both of them, unless the idiot goes and gets himself killed inside this damned base before Gokudera sees him again. The thought leaves an uncomfortable feeling in his chest, as if someone's pressing the air out of his lungs. That damn idiot better not get himself killed, or Gokudera will bring him back and kill him himself.

XOX

That damn bastard with those weirdass eyebrows nearly killed the tonfa bastard. Granted, it was the younger version but still. One thing Gokudera's not complaining about, however, is his chance to repay the stupid carnivore. Because damn it, ever since the tonfa bastard kicked the shit out of the illusionist bastard's henchmen and practically dragged Gokudera up the stairs several months ago, even before the ring matches, Gokudera has wanted to return the favour.

Blood.

There's a lot of blood coming from a wound on Yamamoto's head. The idiot lies unmoving on the ground. Gokudera's eyesight is blurry, so he can't see if the other's breathing or not, but he has to focus on the fight at hand, because they're all in a lot of danger.

But then dark specks start to appear in Gokudera's vision, so he decides that it's a good time to pass out again.

XOX

They're all awake now, and they're talking to Irie Shoichi who just knocked out the Cervello and told them all about the future tenth's plan. No, part of that is a lie, because there is someone who isn't awake. The baseball idiot is lying on the ground, completely still, just like the last time Gokudera was conscious.

Gokudera feels queasy, part of him wants to see if the idiot is okay, to put the medical training he got from Shamal years ago to use by fixing that head wound. But the bigger part of him, the stubborn and angry part that only finds the baseball nut annoying, insists on such things to be below him and that it would only serve to hurt his pride.

So Gokudera stays silent and tries to focus on what's happening instead, but he's too dizzy to really pay attention. He knows what happens, but he doesn't really feel like a part of it, he feels more like a bystander.

In the end, it all comes down to them sort of winning, but at the same time losing because they can't go home yet, and their older selves are trapped like sardines in that bigass round machine. Not to mention that the Millefiore bastard screwed them over and that sure, they were strong enough to win this time around, but only against knockoff mare rings. It sucks.

And then the idiot wakes up far more optimistic than he has any right to be, and Gokudera immediately regrets ever worrying about him.

Oh well, at least he got to give Gamma what was coming to him.

XOX

Gokudera had been under the impression that the moment his head hit his pillow, he'd fall asleep. He was incredibly tired so it seemed logical. The truth, however, is that Gokudera can't sleep. He lies in his bed and stares at the ceiling while listening intently to the slow breathing of his roommate.

He'd been sharing a room with the tenth since they first arrived at the base. Now, however, (and it's all the damn lawn head's fault) he's sharing it with the baseball idiot. The same idiot who really wants to get into Gokudera's pants.

Uncomfortable is putting it mildly. Because while Gokudera has learned to deal with the idiot's feelings during daytime, thoughts of being molested in his sleep keeps him up right now. It could totally happen, and Gokudera dreads the morning he wakes up with the idiot's hand down his pants. Ugh.

Not only do they suddenly sleep in the same room but they change clothes in the same room. Gokudera decided at once to always keep his back to the idiot when changing clothes, even if it means that he won't notice if the other checks him out. Double ugh.

He shudders and takes a deep breath. He'll need sleep because tomorrow, they're explaining the situation to the lawn head, and Gokudera's going to need all the rest he can get before that.

XOX

As he had predicted the night before, explaining to the stupid lawn head took a lot of time (he wasted five hours on that idiot!) and a lot of energy. But at least he ifinally/i got it. If they had had to go through it one more time, Gokudera might just have murdered the idiot.

Of course, as always, things turn into a fight. That lawn headed idiot actually dares to accuse Gokudera of being an idiot! But before Gokudera can shove some dynamites down the other's pants, Yamamoto intervenes by pulling the two of them against his chest with the same stupid laughter he always lets out.

"Isn't it nice to gather again?" he says brightly. "Let's get along!"

"Shut up!" is Gokudera's only answer, because the close proximity to the baseball nut almost makes Gokudera's brain freeze. He hardly hears the nonsense the idiot is spouting because he's suddenly only aware of how the idiot's hand is squeezing his shoulder just a bit too hard for it to be a casual touch and how the idiot totally just sniffed his hair. And then he looks down into Gokudera's eyes.

"… And he looked for us all around Japan for five weeks. Hearing that made me so happy!" he finishes with a smile, but the look in his eyes just a bit too intense. Gokudera breaks free, he feels oddly uncomfortable and there's a fluttering feeling in the pit of his stomach. He makes fun of the lawn head because he went looking for his sister, not them, and he knows that his friends expect him to do so. Anything to get away from Yamamoto.

XOX

The baseball idiot stole his juice. Gokudera can hardly believe it, but the idiot actually dared to steal Gokudera's orange juice! And now he's smirking. The idiot doesn't smirk. He smiles vapidly, it's like his trademark!

Gokudera has never before hated being shorter than the baseball freak before, because he simply holds the juice out of Gokudera's reach and laughs. And in front of the tenth no less! He's probably doing it to embarrass Gokudera in front of the tenth's august self in order to make himself look better. What a jerk!

And then Yamamoto puts his lips to the straw and takes a gulp of juice. Gokudera gawks at him for a second before he snatches his drink back.

"You idiot! This is my juice!" he screams and shakes the juice haughtily. Gokudera doesn't want to think about it, but he overheard some girls in their class talk about "indirect kisses", and he's quite sure that sharing a juice box like this counts.

"Haha, calm down, Gokudera. It was just a little sip!" the idiot exclaims with a huge smile.

Gokudera punches his arm. Hard.

XOX

Yamamoto always figured that he'd grow up, become a baseball pro, marry some pretty and nice girl, have a couple of kids and make his dad proud. It was kind of like a dream, really. He had figured that once his baseball career was over, he'd take over Takesushi and teach his kids both baseball and the art of making sushi.

And then he meets Tsuna and Tsuna brings Gokudera into Yamamoto's life, Gokudera who kind of shoves Yamamoto's world so hard that it tips on its side. Because he realises pretty quickly, even though he knows that he's not the brightest crayon in the box (or should that be sharpest?), that he likes touching Gokudera. He's not sure why, but he does, and since he likes it, he keeps doing it, even if Gokudera throws off the arm he slings over his shoulders or pushes away his hand before it can even touch him.

He's not sure why, but soon he wants to pull Gokudera closer. He wants to hug him, closely, fiercely, but he doesn't, because Gokudera barely tolerates casual touches. So he keeps touching him casually, hoping that one day he might be able to hug him.

But it doesn't end at that, somewhere after he sees Gokudera sacrificing himself for Tsuna and taking that guy with the glasses and the yo-yos' attack to the chest, he wants to hold Gokudera more and closer than ever. And he wants to kiss him, kiss him the way he sees people kiss on the TV, except… they're always a man and a woman.

And then Gokudera nearly gets himself killed by that Belphegor-guy. Watching Gokudera nearly get killed makes him feel like an ice cold hand is gripping his heart. He knows that Gokudera is strong, but he worries so much, almost too much, anyway.

After the ring fights, Yamamoto swears that he will do everything in his power to keep Gokudera safe, even if Gokudera doesn't want him to, because Yamamoto never wants to feel like that ever again. Feel like he's drowning and that someone is squeezing his heart in their cold hand.

And then, ten years into the future, Gokudera starts to push Yamamoto away, starts to avoid him and that hurts more than anything Yamamoto has ever felt before in his entire life. He will fix it, it may be selfish, but he refuses to let Gokudera slip away.

Because he is selfishly in love.

XOX

[End Part 1]