A/N: Hi. Um, this is Dragon Ball Z, not what I usually write, so, sorry about that.

These three one-shots/ramble sessions are for AlwaysHatedEssays' (or Draggin-My-Ballz on Tumblr) birthday. She's one of the most genuinely honest, nice, and sincere people I've ever met.

I hope you like them!

"Bloomers, panties, undies."

A soft touch of silk over the pads of his leathery fingers.

"Bloomers, panties, undies… bikinis, briefs, and boyfriend panties?" The old man yanked on the white beard tickling his collarbones. "Hmm, I don't think any little lady would need a boyfriend with good, old Master Roshi around!"

With his declaration, a loud laugh erupted from the old man who was stealthily hidden behind a partially dressed manikin. A mother nearby with her two children grimaced and edged away from the pervert before he could take notice of her.

Master Roshi glanced over to the fleeting female and shrugged. He had already done a professional scan of the woman and determined that her bra size was a meager thirty-two B, nothing to scramble after. No, he was much more interested in the blonde bombshell rummaging through a sale bin of hosiery.

The Master sprinted from one manikin to another, creating a zigzag path that no one would be able to see. The thrill of the hunt always made him feel like a young tiger on the prowl for his newest conquest.

The woman held up a pair of red stockings and smiled brightly, turning around quickly to complete her purchase. The sudden movement of such a magnificent creature halted Master Roshi's movements and his spine rotated at an uncomfortable angle.

Torso cocked unevenly, the Master stumbled forward, hands outstretched to find purchase on some surface. Quickly enough his hands were full of silicone, rubberized and stuffed inside flesh and his face was level with a ribcage. The sound of a beating heart filled his ears and his own pulse leapt upward—and so did his old, flaccid John Thursday.

The old man laughed, his voice distorted by his comfortable smothering. He squeezed the breasts in his hand for good measure, and sure enough two palms slapped against his temples, yanking him out from the bombshell's bosoms.

"Eh heh, well, hello!"

The bombshell turned into a sinister serpent. "You… you…"

"Handsome devil?"

The woman's face turned bright red, her blue eyes grew dark and she struck quickly. "Pervert!"

In a heap on the floor nearly on the opposite side of the store, Master Roshi groped at his now swollen cheek. Someone beside him began to laugh hysterically and slapped him on the back.

"Nice try. I told ya it would never work, ya old perv," The pig snickered.

"It would have worked! If only my back weren't so sore…"

"Take it from me," Oolong said proudly, hands on his hips. "Don't bother with those kind of women. They're too good for anyone."

"Hmph!" Master Roshi pulled himself up into a sitting position and noticed that everyone in the store had stopped what he or she were doing in order to stare at him. Their hardened looks of judgment made his eye twitch. "Let's get outta here. We need to go where the shoppers aren't so stuck up."

Oolong glanced around him, and then happily followed Roshi from the lingerie store.

Master Roshi sprinted across a busy street with his pig companion close on his heels to a sex store down the way. He stared in amazement at the large billboard with the words, "Seven Balls Pleasure Shop." Roshi frowned at the sign. He counted on both hands, realizing that some poor man was missing one of his testicles, and then teared up as he grabbed at his crotch.

"Whoa! Save that for later when I'm not around!"

"Oolong… I have something to tell you…"

"Now is not the time to admit your interest in beastiality, Roshi."

"No…" Roshi stared at the ground. "I got that out of my system when I was younger. This is much more grave. I'm afraid… that I had one of my testicles removed."

Oolong stared in confusion, not quite understanding what was just relinquished to him.

"It happened long ago. I had been following a beautiful woman around for weeks. Eventually she caught on and tried to confront me. I only wanted to commit an innocent puff-puff, but she lifted her leg faster than I expected. Oh, Oolong! It was… so horrible!"

The pig blanched and brought one hoof down to caress the front of his pants. Tears formed in his eyes. "Oh, Roshi…"

"Please, say you don't think differently of me now!"

"Of course not! That's the most horrifying thing I've ever heard!" Oolong shook his head and stared up at Roshi. "Let's go inside and reclaim your manhood."

The reaffirmation strengthened Roshi. Strutting forward, the automatic doors moved from his way and a world of neon signs illuminated his pathway to reclaiming manhood.

The pair were instantly drawn the distinct sound of vibration. A narrow pathway led them to a back corner of the store where an instructional video was playing on how to properly use the newest vibrator brand. The explicit detail made Roshi and Oolong pant. They watched the video for ten minutes before the store clerk came over and uncomfortably changed the video.

Roshi spun around, mildly upset, but cheered up when he saw the vibrator in question being displayed proudly in the center of the store.

"Well, that video has me sold!"

"What are you gonna use it for?" Oolong asked, not quite sure if he wanted an answer.

"You know, Bulma's had a stick up her ass for a while now. Maybe this would make her loosen up a little. Eh heh heh. I'm sure she'll thank me with a kiss."

Oolong could imagine the reception with perfect clarity. He chuckled fiendishly at the thought of Vegeta finding out and the chaos that would ensue.

"Oh yeah, that sounds like a great idea!"

Roshi grinned. "I knew you'd agree. Now, let's see if we can't find some used panties in that clearance bin!"