Summary: Castle and Beckett speak about life. The conversation ends in something new for them. Beckett POV
In the Middle of Winter
It is the middle of the winter, one of the coldest on record, so of course, today is really cold. The worst thing that could possibly happen to me was to get stuck in evening traffic in my cold car – my heater broke last week. As if that were not enough, Richard Castle is with me. I mean, I like to be with him, and talking about work is fine. However, I begin to feel really uncomfortable when the work issues end and we move onto more personal topics. I don't like talk about my personal life. My past is painful, my present is lonely, and my future is pretty uncertain. If it were up to me, the car would be silent but for the ambient sounds of the traffic that fills the background. I am not alone, however. Castle is here and he seems to hate the silence.
"Hey Beckett!" he exclaims. "Tell me about you and Sorenson."
I have no idea what he wants me to tell him about Sorenson and myself. He already knows all of the necessary details. Why is it that Castle can never be comfortable with just the tip of the iceberg? I mean, I know that I cannot do this myself, but that is usually a personality trait I leave at work. I do not muddle around in the personal lives of others.
"What do you want to know, Castle?"
"Everything!" He is as anxious as a child. He flashes me his charming smile and my heart begins to feel as if it is blazing its way through my chest. I waiver, unsure of what I actually want him to know.
"You know how we met," I remind him. "You know that we were together for six months and you know why we broke up. What else is there?" I just want to simplify things, change the subject maybe, but it is impossible. Castle is nothing if not persistent.
"You two ever thought about getting married?"
I sigh. "Sometime, perhaps we did. All couples talk about get married when they imagine living to the peak of happiness."
"I don't understand, Beckett. If you two got along so well, why didn't you go with him to Boston? If you loved him, why couldn't you make that sacrifice?"
See! I exclaim to myself. He already is psychoanalyzing me.
"Things are not that simple, Castle. I loved him, but I couldn't leave everything for him. He asked so much of me but never would have been willing to do it himself if he were in my position." I shake my head before turning back to traffic, willing it to move. It is minutes before he speaks again.
"And…?" he questions, as if he had expected more of a response. "Did you ever discuss having children?" His blunt question throws me off balance and I turn quickly to analyze his expression. It is one of compassion. "Would you like to have children?"
Why me? I wonder, hoping that the traffic ahead will begin to move soon, for if we sit here much longer, Castle will know everything about me, including my bra size, and frankly, that is just a bit too personal. He is still gazing unwaveringly at me, and I feel like I am on the wrong side of an interrogation table.
"We never talked about it," I eventually give in. "Will doesn't like kids. I do, but…" I pause, unsure of whether to share the rest of my thoughts with Castle.
Castle smiles at the awkward end to my sentence as if he knew where I was going with it without even having to finish. "I bet you would be a very good mother, Kate."
"I don't know," I counter, shaking my head. "Maybe I won't ever find out. Who knows if I will ever find the right person; if I'll ever get married."
"Who says you need anyone but yourself, Kate?" Why is it that this man always has to counter anything you say to him? Well, he is a writer; that could be the answer. There is a world full of words within him just waiting emerge, although he never seems to have to wait very long. "For example, I have Alexis, but Meredith is not the right person. I will always love her for giving me my daughter, but the woman is not right for me."
I could prod. I could ask who he thinks would have been the right person for him, but I don't encourage Rick Castle.
"I guess you are right. You got lucky with Alexis. She is a very sweet girl, very good-"
"Alexis is a treasure," he says, cutting me off. "Even sometimes I think she is a jewel too precious to me." Castle being humble nature is not something I have seen before.
"You're a good father, Castle."
"And you'll be a good mother, Beckett." I do not understand how he always manages to manipulate the conversation in such a way that I am always the central topic.
"Your perfect man will appear, Kate. You are an incredibly beautiful woman, inside and out. You deserve the best."
"Such adulation is not for me, Castle," I murmur, knowing it is a lie as it comes out of my mouth. In reality, the exaltations that pour from his mouth make me quite happy. I love this aspect of his personality. I know that he only says what he truly believes, which makes every praise that much more meaningful.
"It is not flattery, Kate. I'm just telling you the truth. Sorenson is an idiot for leaving you. If I were him, I would want to be with you forever."
"But you're not Sorenson," I remind him. Why do I say something so obvious? Now he is going to think that I said it with ulterior motives.
Castle smiles once more, charming and just the littlest bit devious. "I could be him."
This conversation is quickly becoming too personal and I feel the sudden need to change the subject. The only problem is that I have no idea what to say. Come on! I berate myself. I have to think of something. Castle sighs.
"If you don't want to talk about this Kate, you can just tell me." It is as if he has read my mind and I idly wonder if he has telepathy.
"What do you mean, Castle?"
"Love," he answers, completely serious.
"We were talking about love? I thought we were talking about Alexis." I feel like a fool. I knew where this conversation was leading and now Castle is going to think I am an idiot for not being able to read between the lines.
"Kate, I will tell you something that I didn't believe I would say. At least I didn't think that it would be now." I'm scared of what he wants to say. The last time that he was this serious, he told me about my mother and we went two weeks without speaking, or seeing each other for that matter. All I know is that I don't want that again.
"What now, Castle?"
I'll tell you if you don't already know. Sometimes I wonder if I am truly as transparent as I believe myself to be." Come on, Castle! I mentally chide. No returns.
"Castle?"
"I always think that I am clear, but perhaps I am not. Beckett, why do you think I asked permission to continue following you around on cases?"
"Wasn't it for your book? Inspiration for Nikki Heat? Research, I guess."
"Do you really believe that?"
"Well, that was our reasoning in the first place."
"Do you think that after writing two dozen best sellers, I need to follow a detective in order to write another?"
"Well, this will be your first female character."
"Do you think it that it is just a coincidence that I suddenly decided to create a female protagonist?"
I am shocked and don't especially like the new path this conversation seems to be taking.
"It's possible, Castle. There is always the chance that it was simply happenstance."
"Chance, or as I would call it destiny or fate, is what brought us together during the copycat case. Everything else that proceeded was not coincidental, however. I chose my own fate. After spending all that time with you to resolve the case, I didn't want it end. My book, my research, and Nikki Heat… all of it was an excuse to spend more time with you, Beckett."
I can't help but wonder if everything he's pouting is the truth. I glance quickly to my side before returning my gaze to the road. I need to look him in the eye.
"I liked you the first moment we met, Kate." I nearly chock on my breath at his admission, trying to hide back the smile that threatens to emerge. "Do you remember? I had just been speaking with Alexis about the monotony of my life. I had told her that I wished someone would be able to say something new, something different to me other than the repetitive, cliché words of my annoying fans. That was when you called my name and asked to speak to me about the murder that ultimately brought us together. That was a real signal for me, Beckett – a sign that my life was going to change and for the better."
"God, Castle. That was nothing!" I shake my head and bite the inside of my cheek to keep myself from voicing my thoughts. I can't believe he remembers the first words we ever spoke to each other. It is kind of sweet in a way.
"It wasn't nothing to me, Kate. Oh no, it was much more than nothing. And then during interrogation, you said something to me that really woke me up, so to speak. You said 'All this bad boy charm might work with big bets and celebutants. Me? I work for a living, so that makes you one of two things in my life: either the guy who makes my life easier or the guy who makes my life harder. And trust me, you do not want to be the guy who makes my life harder.'"
"I can't believe that you remember that!" I turn to him, a look of complete surprise covering my face. I mentally berate myself for my severe lack of judgment. I cannot let him know how much his words mean to me. I have a feeling that this is all a game for Castle.
"Every single moment spent with you is emblazoned in my mind, Beckett. And you know what? Right then and there, I decided that I want to be the guy who makes your life easier." I never thought that a man could be so sweet, so corny and so adorable all at one time.
"Oh yeah, Castle? Because you haven't been making my life easy up to this point or right now for that fact."
"Just because you don't want to hear what I have to say doesn't mean I am complicating your life, Kate. I have never opened up so fully to another person before in my life. Although I share all earthly pleasures with women, my emotions and feelings are usually something I keep bottled up. Those two things are exactly what I want to share with you – pleasure and emotions." He smiles like a teddy bear and I muse that if I were a wax doll, I have been melted from the heat that is making its way to my face at the moment. I no longer feel the cold air of the car. I had always dreamed of meeting my favorite author and now that I have gotten to know him, I have come to love him. It never occurred to me that he could feel the same way. I think I may be dreaming again.
"Look, you don't have to say anything. Not now, not today. But I need to know if I have any chance, Kate. I want to be the guy you can both play and work with. I want to be the guy you can marry and have children with. I love you, Detective Kate Beckett, with all of my charming heart." What can I say to that? He is looking at me with his beautiful face, those sparking eyes that so much resemble the glittering waves of the ocean. I should say something, he derives that much, but what I have no idea. I am not good at these things and have a sudden need to think on my feet. I should just tell him that I love him back. He loves me and I most certainly love him back. The tears that threaten to fall begin to surface.
"You said some really wonderful things, Castle. I just don't know what to say…" I trail off as the traffic begins to move. In my daze of emotions, however, I do not drive with the traffic, remaining at a standstill. Cars behind me begin to honk their horns, clearly aggravated. Don't they know that I am in the middle of a personal crisis here? I can't just drive off, leaving our conversation behind – I have to say something, and fast.
"How many children are we going to have?" I never thought I would say something so prosaic and can't watch his reaction as I begin to move with the traffic. I can only imagine the big smile upon his face.
"Beckett? Are you saying-" Before he can finish his question, I cut him off.
"I hate to be so sentimental, but ... I love you too, Castle." I cannot believe I have told him the feelings that I have tried so hard to keep inside myself for so long. Perhaps my future is not so uncertain after all. Castle leaned out of his passenger seat to place an endearing kiss upon my cheek.
"When we get there, your mouth will burn with the fire of my kisses. I have saved up so many." I smile stupidly at this. I also have saved kisses. I wonder what would happen if I suddenly pulled to the side of the road in order to take him up on his promise. I will the courage to find me. He has ricked so much tonight by confessing his true feelings. Perhaps now it is my turn to take a chance. Finally making the decision, I veer into the lane to my right, searching for a free spot lining the city streets.
"Where…?" he begins.
"I can't wait, Castle! I'm going to park. And this time, when I tell you to stay in the car, you better do it. I am armed. This time with kisses."
"Shoot me, Beckett!"
My kisses will be the death of him. However, it is now best to think no more. It is the time for action.
The end.