AN: GWNI Prompt: Chouji is turned into a vampire. How do Shikamaru and Ino deal?
AN: I make no profit from this; it is purely satirical.

The lights flickered in the Torture & Interrogation department's bowels, and Shikamaru sighed, blowing air out hard and wishing he'd been higher ranked so he could smoke in the cells without getting in trouble, like some ANBU.

"Put away your bitchy face, Shika, I have enough shit to deal with," mumbled Ino as she glanced down the halls. "You still have him, right?"

"Yes."

Ino's indigo eyes glared holes in his deliberately misshapen spine and his brow lowered. "Fine."

He waved an arm and wiggled his fingers while Ino looked inside the cell and saw their captive do the same.

"Have I mentioned how useful your jutsu is?"

"Yes, and I never want to hear about what you and Kiba did with it, ever, ever again. Moving on?"

"Spoilsport. Okay, I'm opening it up. Be ready."

"Yep."

Ino huffed at him and opened the cell, coaxing their friend to attention.

"Hey Chouji!"

"Hey guys! is it suppertime? I could really use a—"

"Oh, we've got it covered!" broke in Ino with a bright smile. She shot a look at Shika, who nodded in thanks. He didn't have the stomach for some of the detailed descriptions Chouji gave about his cravings… nowadays.

"Right this way," said Shikamaru as they approached a loud, rather boisterous cell.

"These ones are enemies, right? I'm still really, really sorry about last time, Ino, I didn't understand who it was, once the bloodlust hit, it was just—"

Ino held up her hands. "It's okay, it's our fault, too, Chouji. No one took it personally. We shouldn't have left you without a snack. And the guards were totally fine, after."

And reassigned, and we're still paying for their counselling, thought Shikamaru as he tabulated the costs in his head.

"Luckily, with it being spring, the bandits are out in force this time of year!" she cheered, and patted Chouji on the back as they opened the cell door before them.

The prisoners inside howled abuse at Ino and Shika, and she ignored them all. Shika just prayed none were stupid enough to try and get out. He'd absolutely hate to lose control over his jutsu… early.

"Well, here we are: a banquet of Konoha Woods' finest mercenaries, bandits, and con-artists!"

Chouji's eyes watered, and turned red, his face tightening with emotion. "Aw Ino, I-I-I—"

He lifted his arms in spite of Shika's jutsu, and Ino and Shika's eyes met as she smiled at Chouji and gently moved out of arm's reach of the vampire.

"No need for thanks; believe me, you're doing us a favour! Okay, come on over, and in in in!"

"What? How come we're getting this fat guy in here with us?"

"There's no more room in here!"

"Yeah, what's the big id—"

"Release," said Ino once she'd snapped the door shut behind Chouji, and she heard the screams starting as their friend sank his elongated canines into the first of his victims.

"Wow, this is so much easier than filling in requisition forms asking for drugs or weapons to kill them," said Ino as she and Shikamaru made their way back to her office.

"Easier for you," he mumbled.

"Well, obviously."