Attack Of The Giant Jelly Baby

by Scarf Warriors

The Fourth Doctor, Romana II and K9 arrive somewhere and are attacked by a lot of things.

"So where are we off to now, Doctor?"

The Fourth Doctor looked at the TARDIS console and sighed.

"Guess what."

"You don't know, do you? What now? The Time Lords pulling us off course? A mad problem in the Vortex?"

Romana called over from her position near the doors.

"Jelly Baby?"

"Not now thanks."

"I was just suggesting a suggestion for your list of suggestions."

The Doctor fiddled with some odd buttons and flicked some levers.

"Let's see shall we?"

The Doctor opened the doors and stepped outside the TARDIS into another brand new unvisited world.

"I don't believe it. Not Skaro again!"

"I assume full 'Look out for Daleks' mode is in order."

The Doctor briefly disappeared into the TARDIS before emerging, followed briefly by K9.

Romana leant down to K9 and talked into his metal ears.

"You don't have a 'Look out for Daleks' mode, do you?"

"Affirmative, mistress."

The Doctor looked around walked off toward the nearest visible signs of habitation, before disappearing into a hidden hole.

"Doctor? Are you all right?"

Romana dashed over to the hole, peered in and saw the Doctor resting on top of a rock.

He grinned insanely up at her and removed the scarf from his eyes.

"I've had worse injuries, here, catch!"

He tossed up his scarf, which Romana caught and tied around a rock near the edge of the drop.

"Welcome, Doctor."

Romana gaped down at the top of the Doctor's head. It was rather fascinating really. She noted that his hat had fallen off during his fall, and that it now resided beside him - that phrase rhymed, she mused - on another rock. She was so preoccupied with staring at his beautiful curly hair that she completely failed to notice when the Doctor let out a kind of strangled shriek and disappeared into a small opening in one side of the hole.

Until, of course, his head (and the rest of him) had vanished into the blackness.

Romana dropped her own hat in surprise, and watched in shock as it spiralled down into the abyss below.

"My hat! Doctor, I've dropped my hat!"

No reply.

"Doctor! ...Doctor?"

She sighed inwardly.

"I suppose I'd better go in after him. I ought to find out where he's gone, at least," Romana said to no-one in particular, smoothing her blonde hair down in mild irritation. And with that, she ran up to the edge of the hole, stopped, gazed down into it, noticed how deep and dark it was really, stepped back a few paces, steeled herself, walked forward again, looked down into the hole, stepped back involuntarily... and triggered a small landslide.

She screamed all the way down.

"Is no-one listening to me?"

"Affirmative, The Master."

The Master looked at K9 with a look of disgust.

"Oh no, it's the Doctor's dog."

"Affirmative, the Master."

The Master walked over to the edge, peered over, saw Romana tumbling down and saw her land on her hat. She smoothed down her hair, got off the Doctor's head and got up.

"Nice of you to drop in, Romana. Oh, here's your hat."

He handed her a flattened blue relic, rose, and looked up to the top just as the rock his scarf was tied to fell down, narrowly missing his brown curls.

"Hello Doctor!" the Master shouted down.

"Well that is all we need, a visit from the Master," the Doctor muttered. Romana rose too, and stood beside him.

"How do we get up?" she asked. The Doctor looked around at the floor beside him.

"No hope of a large staircase, no square rocks to be found." He whipped off his scarf, looped the end and twirled it. It snaked upwards, caught on a rock, and tightened.

"Up we go, Romana."

"HALT! Or you will be destroyed! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE!"

The Doctor stopped.

"Oh, this is just fantastic!" he groaned. "We're stuck down a hole surrounded by at least twenty Cybermen and the Master!"

"How can the Master surround us?" Romana asked.

"I'm not entirely sure," replied the Doctor. "But I'm sure we'll find out."

"HALT! Or you will be destroyed!"

"Stop repeating yourself, it's not helping matters!" shouted the Master. There was silence for a few seconds, then a resounding chorus of "DELETE!"s echoed round the desolate landscape. Looking up, the Doctor realised that the Cybermen had not actually noticed the Master before he had shouted at them - and now the Master was in a rather sticky situation.

"Romana, I think it's time we ought to be leaving," whispered the Doctor, slowly pulling his scarf back from the mouth of the hole.

When he realised that it wasn't moving even an inch, he pulled harder.

A sharp cracking noise rent the air, and the Doctor suddenly found himself flat on his back with the rock his scarf had been tied to resting beside him. He looked up in surprise to see the Cybermen peering over the edge of the hole, which immediately spurred him into action again.

"Run, Romana!" he shouted desperately - or tried to shout, as he had been slightly winded by the fall; as a result, "Run, Romana!" came out more as an odd kind of wheezing noise. But Romana got the gist anyway, and ran into the small tunnel the travelling Time Lord had been exploring earlier. Pulling himself quickly to his feet, the Doctor followed suit, dragging his scarf (the rock still attached) with him. Outside, the sound of the Cyberman guns began. Rock began to chip and splinter from the entrance of the tunnel, almost drowning out the sound of the Master's voice.

"The Doctor is a common enemy of ourselves! Allow me to join forces with you, but promise me this one thing; that you will bring him back to me... alive."

"We will evaluate your usefulness later. You will come with us for the time being."

"And if I refuse?"

"You must have a lot of knowledge that would be invaluable to the Cybermen."

"I...I'm--"

And then the other guns began to fire.

"EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!"

In a ring around the ring of Cybermen, the Daleks appeared.

"You are enemies of the Daleks! You must be exterminated!"

"The Cybermen will not be defeated. DELETE! DELETE! DELETE!"

The Cybermen shot out at the Daleks, and the Daleks shot in at the Cybermen. Several Dalek shots missed their enemies, causing them to destroy those of their own side. Cybermen shot red bolts of energy from their wrists, hitting many Daleks in the eye stalks.

"I'm out of here!" said the Master, before jumping into the hole, and following the Doctor and Romana into the tunnel.

"Maximum Defence Mode!"

K9 came slowly but surely through the ranks on the Cybermen, blasting those in his way through his nose. Totally ignored by the Daleks, who were intent on destroying the Cybermen, he trundled off in the direction of the tunnel.

The Doctor looked out from the hole that was the other side of the tunnel.

"Anything there Doctor?"

"Nothing to worry about in the meantime Romana, but we will when the Master catches us up."

Distant sounds of the Master crawling through the tunnel could be heard, coming closer every second.

"While we wait, let's eat. Would you like a Jelly Baby?"

"Affirmative, Master."

"K9! So you got out from there I see. Ah, the Master is coming."

The Master appeared from around a bend.

"Ah yes, Doctor. Nice to see you again. Still finding trouble it seems."

"Yes, what are you up to this time?"

"Not that you would believe me, but nothing for a change. My TARDIS went off course, and I landed here!"

He shuffled forwards, poked his head out of the hole, looked about and emerged.

"Sorry Doctor, must dash. Some friends to see."

"I thought you came here by accident!"

"I did... Okay, I lied about the friends, I'm going to my TARDIS."

He got up and strode purposefully back towards the battle before running straight into a Sontaran.

Watching the Master shriek and run in the opposite direction, the Doctor turned to Romana.

"You know, that reminds me of an old Earth joke," he remarked.

"Being?"

"What?"

"What's the joke?"

"A man walked into an bar."

Romana waited for the punchline. The Doctor's eyes sparkled mischievously. The Master screamed.

"Ouch," said the Doctor, "it was an iron bar."

The Master screamed again at the sheer awfulness of the joke.

"Doctor, we can't just leave him to die!" said Romana, totally misinterpreting the scream.

"You're right, of course," said the Doctor. "We must find out what this Sontaran is doing on Skaro."

"I meant the Master!"

"Oh. Right. Him."

"So do something!" Romana said.

The Doctor began to play the piccolo.

"You're nervous?" asked Romana.

"No, I just felt like playing the piccolo. I thought it might hypnotise the Sontaran into telling us what it was doing on Skaro."

"But it didn't," said Romana sulkily.

"I have landed on Skaro for the good of the entire Sontaran Empire," said the Sontaran mechanically. "I await further instructions."

"That's not very helpful," said Romana.

"I have also been told by my superiors that--"

The Master turned, saw that the Sontaran was no longer chasing him and hit it over the head. The Sontaran collapsed.

"What did you do that for?" said the Doctor indignantly.

"Why do you think?" the Master said, looking at the Doctor as if he were stupid. The Sontaran rolled over, got up and faced the Master.

"I will deal with you later, but I have other more important matters to attend to."

"You know, Sontaran, whatever your name is, oh yes of course, what IS your name?"

"I am Field Lieutenant Phylx."

With that, he turned and walked off towards his giant golf ball of a ship.

"But I didn't finish!" shouted the Doctor to the retreating figure. The Master turned to the Doctor and Romana.

"Why on Skaro are there Cybermen and Sontarans on Skaro?" he enquired. Before the Doctor or Romana could answer, K9 spoke.

"Danger levels increasing. Sensors detect a rising amount of hostile activity."

Romana looked down at him.

"Don't be silly K9, there's not a thing in sight!"

Immediately as she spoke, the whole area was filled with an attack army of Sontarans.

"For maximum impact, I must be positioned directly beside the vat," said K9, causing both Romana and the Doctor to look at each other in confusion.

"I think he may be malfunctioning again," said the Doctor. "I don't see any vat round here, do you?"

K9's ears swivelled.

"Sensors detect a vat."

The time travellers went quiet as they saw a Sontaran faction approaching. There was nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. This time... this time was it.

"Do you hear that, Romana?" the Doctor asked suddenly.

"Hear what?"

"Exactly! The fighting must have stopped! I wonder which side won?"

"Doctor; if you haven't noticed, I think we have a rather more pressing problem right here."

The Doctor blinked.

"Oh- so we do. Silly me."

"Doctor! Doctor, look! Is that a meteor?" Romana gasped.

"Now who's not focusing on the here and now?"

The Doctor's gaze travelled up the length of her arm to follow the direction Romana was pointing in. His eyes widened.

"Romana, that's no meteor."

Romana raised one eyebrow.

"Oh? Then what is it?"

"A sight I had hoped never to see again in my life," said the Doctor.

"Isn't that..." said the Master, with a horrified expression on his face.

"Yes, I think it is," said the Doctor.

"...a meteor?"

"That, Romana, is a Rutan mothership," the Doctor said pointedly, ignoring the Master.

"Aren't the Rutans at war with the Sontarans?" said Romana excitedly.

"Yes. Now, if we can just stall for long enough..."

The Master turned.

"I'm not staying here to get killed, Doctor!"

"Suit yourself," replied the Doctor. "I don't have time to waste on you."

The Rutan Mothership was coming closer with every second. The Doctor and Romana gazed upwards with a mixture of awe and worry upon their faces, and K9 just gazed.

"Sensors detect vat, Master."

"Not now K9!" the Doctor said, still staring into space. The ship was now in the lower atmosphere, and the Sontarans were momentarily distracted.

"Sensors detect decrease in the amount of hostile activity, Master."

"Oh really K9?" The Doctor looked around. "Ah."

"Ah?" enquired Romana.

"The Master's gone," he said, "that's why."

Both the Doctor and Romana looked towards K9.

"Picking anything else up, K9?" asked Romana.

"Negative, Mistress."

While they were not watching, the Rutan Mothership crashed into the Sontaran faction, destroying every single one of them, except one.

Field Lieutenant Phylx let out a horrible, unearthly scream and attempted to hit the ship that had landed next to him. Unfortunately, the metal was still cooling off.

The Doctor quickly ran over to the burning Sontaran and rolled him in a blanket, putting out the fire. He couldn't waste this opportunity to find out just what was happening, after all.

"Doctor! Get out of there, now!" Romana screamed hysterically. "They're disembarking!"

"What are?"

"The Rutans, of course!"

The Doctor heaved the Sontaran over one shoulder, which, you will know if you have ever tried to pick a Sontaran up, is extremely difficult.

"I just know I'm going to strain something..." he muttered to himself, and set off towards Romana and K9. Unbeknownst to him, something green and blobby was following behind.

The Daleks, having won the battle with the Cybermen suffering few casulties, were on the search for the Doctor and his companions.

"You must locate the Doctor. He is to be exterminated!"

"We obey." As the Dalek Emperor gave the order, a large group of the Rutan Host appeared.

"HALT! Identify yourselves!"

"You will identify first!"

"We obey no-one! We are the superior beings!"

"We do not obey orders from Daleks. You will identify!"

"You have just identified us as Daleks, Rutans. Now you must identify!"

"You have identified us as Rutans."

With that, the Rutans shape-shifted into ants.

"The Rutans have gone! SEEK! LOCATE! ANNIHILATE!"

The Rutans then adopted their natural form and moved before the Emperor.

"We must be left alone! We must defeat the Sontarans. If you attack once more, you will be destroyed!"

"We must defeat the Cybermen. You will leave us or be exterminated!"

"Well, well, well. It seems you've reached a stalemate."

The two arguing races turned as one to see the smiling face of the Master looking back at them.

"HALT! Identify yourselves!"

"I'm the Master. Surely you know that, at least."

"Are you of any use to the Rutan Host?" asked the spokesrutan.

"I can help you both in your battles, if you just do one thing for me."

"What help can you be?" asked the Dalek Emperor.

"You'll never find out if you kill me, now will you?" replied the Master, with a cunning smile on his annoying bearded face.

"And what do you want from us?" enquired the spokesrutan.

"Daleks, you must know the Doctor, hm?"

The Daleks let out comical electronic gasps.

"We do know of this Doctor," said the Emperor.

"Well Daleks, the Doctor is to be deleted!" the Master told them, before turning to the Rutans. "Whatever you do, do not turn into the Doctor, or you may be deleted."

"We are not the Cybermen. You have associated us with the Cybermen. Disassociate us or you will be exterminated! DISASSOCIATE!! DISASSOCIATE!"

"Apologies, my good Daleks and Rutans."

"We of the Rutan host are not good, we are evil!"

"What is 'good'? Explain!'

"It's a terrible insult, Daleks," the Rutans replied.

"YOU HAVE INSULTED US, MASTER!! YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINAAAAAAATE!!"

The Master's horrible screams alerted the other enemy, lurking in the shadows...

It was a yellow jelly baby! It charged out of the undergrowth, and devoured all of the Rutans before consuming all the Daleks. The Master got to his feet immediately, the painful splinter in his toe that had caused him to scream in pain earlier totally forgotten. He dashed off back in the direction of the Doctor and Romana, while the Jelly Baby continued to gorge itself on Daleks and Rutans.

The Doctor and Romana, who appeared to be deaf, did not hear the awful noises. Romana turned to the Doctor.

"ToM?"

"No? No? No?"

"Oh."

Then the Master ran into the Doctor and bowled them both over with his ahem good looks.

The Master helped the Doctor and Romana get up, then told them about the Jelly Baby.

"Jell, Y, Ba, By, Over, There, Big, Yellow, Tasty, Daleks, Rutans, Consumed, Huge, Blobby," the Master babbled, pointing over his shoulder. The Doctor looked over his head hopefully.

"Big Jelly Baby? I WANT ONE!"

The Doctor and Romana decided to investigate. They walked up to the cavernous cavern where the jelly baby was sighted, and found David Tennant having a barbecue.

"Mmmmmm," said the Doctor. "What's cooking, Davey boy?"

"Roast jelly baby, of course!" said the Tennant.

"But don't jelly babies explode if you roast them?"

"Do they? Ooops."

David Tennant promptly exploded in a puff pastry.

"Well, that seems to wrap everything up," said the Doctor, turning to the two person shaped parcels that had been Romana and the Master.

"Mmmf." agreed the Master.

"RAAGHH!!"

"What was that?!" Romana exclaimed.

"Unless I am wrong, which I'm not, for when am I ever wrong, Romana?"

"Lots of the time, oh great Time Lord."

"Example, oh lowly Time Lady?"

"Well, there was that time by the South Rapids--"

"NO need to worry about that," the Doctor interrupted loudly. "The main thing is THAT THERE IS A LARGE JELLY BABY CHARGING TOWARDS US!!"

"RAAGHH!!"

"Stop repeating yourself, it's not helping matters!" shouted the Master. There was silence for a few seconds, then there was a resounding chorus of "RAAGGH!!"s. The Doctor and Romana sped off, with K9 following close behind.

"Nice Jelly Baby, Good Jelly Baby, Tasty Jelly Baby..."

The Master acted like an idiot, trying to prevent the Jelly Baby from eating him. He could only watch in horror as the vile yellowness came ever closer, ready to engulf him...

"Whee-hee-hee-hee!" screamed the Master, and ran off after the Doctor, Romana and K9.

The jelly baby stopped in its tracks, making a confused noise that sounded like a balloon deflating.

It stepped off Field Lieutenant Phylx and looked at its feet in horror.

"RAAGHH!!?" it enquired.

"Of course," said the Master. "Now help me out of this wrapping paper."

However, when the Jelly Baby helped the master out of the papyrus, he made a terrible discovery. The Master was in fact Russell T Davies!

"OH BUGABOO," said the Jelly Baby, before swallowing Russell in a flash of acid.

When inside the Jelly Baby the Master ceased to be Russell T Davies, and the Master was vomited up as he disagreed with the Jelly Baby's stomach.

"I AM RIGHT!! THERE IS SUCH THING AS A RUTAN!!" the Master shouted deliriously at the Jelly Baby's stomach.

"RAGHH!!" the Jelly Baby predictably screamed. It started to lumber towards the Doctor and Romana, and they dashed off together into the sunrise.

"Isn't this a nice sunrise?" said the Doctor.

"Since when was it a sunrise?"

"I don't actually know. It was mid-afternoon last time I checked; nearer sunSET."

"That's odd," said Romana.

The Doctor looked up at the sun, which you shouldn't really do but which he did anyway.

He did a double-take.

He did a triple-take.

Romana got bored and wandered off.

The Doctor shouted after her.

"Romana! Come back! This is no sunrise!"

The Master, dripping acid from his half-eaten clothes, crashed straight into the unfortunate Time Lord again. For the nth time that day, the Doctor found himself flat on his back and (for the first time) dissolving. He screamed briefly, then decided it wasn't an immediate threat, got up and straightened his hat rather haughtily.

"As I was saying before you ran into me, this is no sunrise."

"Is it a sunset?" asked the Master.

"No, you idiot," said the Doctor.

Romana, seeing the Master's surprise return, decided to come back and see what was happening. K9, who did not dash off with the Doctor and Romana into the sunrise, began to shoot at something in the distance.

The arguing Time Lords stopped what they were doing and listened. Over the wind, K9 could just be made out saying... oh no.

Oh no.

Oh Rutan.

K9 didn't speak like that.

"EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!"

A whole faction of Daleks appeared over the hill which was previously ignored.

"A sight I had hoped never to see again in my life," said the Doctor.

"Stop repeating yourself, it's not helping matters!" shouted the Master. There was silence for a few seconds, then there was a resounding chorus of "Exterminate!"s. The Master threw himself flat on the floor, just in time. A faction of Cybermen appeared behind them.

"Oh, this is just fantastic," the Doctor groaned.

"Stop repeating yourself, it's not helping matters!" shouted the Master. There was silence for a few seconds, then there was a resounding chorus of "DELETE!"s.

"QUICK!! Let's get out of here!" the Master screamed, and ran straight into a Sontaran.

"Will you desist in doing that, Time Lord, it is no help to the Sontaran empire," said Field Lieutenant Phylx. Upon hearing the voice of a Sontaran, a faction of Rutans appeared over the same hill as the Daleks.

"YOU WILL BE DESTROYED, SONTARAN!!"

The Battle raged back and forth, as the Doctor, Romana, The Master and K9 made good their escape. The Cybermen simultaneously exploded, the final Sontaran was crushed by several Rutans, and then the two victors joined forces in their search for the Doctor.

"SEEK! LOCATE! ANNIHILATE!"

Then the Jelly Baby appeared...

"RAAGHH!!" it said.

Again.

"Stop repeating yourself, it's not helping matters!" shouted the Master.

The Jelly Baby ignored this and continued on its path of destruction, squashing several Daleks in its path. The survivors opened fire on the monstrosity, but to no avail. They closed fire again.

The Jelly Baby roared, angered by the attempt on its life. The Daleks drove around in a van, trying to run the Jelly Baby over, but, as their van was about the size of the Jelly Baby's eye, it in fact drove straight into the Jelly Baby's foot before blowing up in a spectacular sheet of flame. This singed the Jelly Baby's toe, causing it pain. The Rutans all shapeshifted into giant Jelly Babies, but this caused them great difficulties and they self destructed. The Jelly Baby emerged the victor.

"The real question is, why is there a Jelly Baby on Skaro? Is there a new factory in town?"

The Doctor and Romana walked over, with K9 coming over behind.

K9 took it upon himself to fire at the Jelly Baby, but his nose blaster just did not have the power to have any real effect upon the Jelly Baby. Momentarily distracted, the Jelly Baby lumbered around, perilously close to the surviving Daleks. The Daleks milled about like ants, awaiting commands from the Emperor, but the Emperor had perished in the battle. However, the Cult of Skaro arrived. Sec, Thay, Caan and Jast between them towed a cart containing a large missile.

Inside, however, was in fact a deadly weapon, something the Daleks themselves had been defeated by many times.

"The William Hartnell is PRIMED!!"

Dalek Sec looked about, got the range and prepared the launch. Jast grew impatient.

"LAUNCH THE WILLIAM HARTNELL! EXTERMINATE!! EXTERMINAAAAATE!!"

Caan placed his sucker over the launch button and pressed.

The missile flew out of the missile launcher. Dalek and Time Lord heads alike turned to follow its trajectory as it arced through the dark skies, right on target.

The missile exploded on impact, although it is probable the jelly baby felt not a thing. What came after, however, was almost certainly the worst thing that had happened to it that day.

"Stabilise us, Matron, hm!"

The William Hartnell had arrived. Spreading disease like a dog, the white-haired Doctor clung onto the jelly baby's head for dear life as it attempted to shake him off.

The other Doctor did one of his trademark impossibly-wide-eyed stares again.

"Romana, I do believe... that's me! Hold on, me! I'm coming to help you!"

The Cult of Skaro quietly went away again, their job done. The diseased jelly baby, which had gone even more berserk than usual on account of having an old man on its head, trampled over the remains of Field Lieutenant Phylx and nearly slipped. William Hartnell laughed insanely and carried on spreading disease like a dog.

The Doctor reached the huge yellow brute's leg and attempted to climb it.

Emphasis on attempted.

"Ow!" he shouted in annoyance as he found himself sitting down rather hard on ground made slippery by Sontaran and Rutan remains; the latter of which still retained some of the properties they had had in life and which were giving him mild electric shocks every so often. He got angrily to his feet again and looked at the jelly baby, which hadn't noticed him yet.

Behind him, the Master mouthed something which was lost in the enraged shrieks of the jelly baby but which would probably have been rather repetitive. Romana realised that both Doctors were now in grave danger (finally) and ran over to help, carrying K9 with her.

"Sensor's detect a van, Mistress."

"Oh shut up!" Romana shouted. She ran over towards the Doctor, slipped on some Rutan remains, and skidded all the way to the Jelly Baby. She tripped over its toes, and slammed head first into its leg. With her head stuck in the vile yellow Jelly Baby, the Doctor had a thought.

"Romana! EAT YOUR WAY OUT!"

The Doctor would have joined her, but William Hartnell fell from the Jelly Baby and flattened him.

Romana had successfully freed her head, and ran to help the Doctors.

"Get off me, me!" the Fourth Doctor shouted to the First Doctor.

"I will, my dead me. Ah, Young Time Lady, help me up would you." Romana strode over and pulled the Doctor off of her beloved Doctor.

"Thanks for helping me, Romana," the Fourth Doctor said.

"Which you do you mean, Doctor?" It was all too much for Romana. She sat down on a Rutan and got a severe shock.

"DOCTORS! THE DALEKS ARE DRIVING A VAN!"

And indeed they were. As Daleks Sec, Jast, Caan and Thay drove up on the TimeFord Transit they had borrowed from the TARDIS, the Doctor, the Doctor, K9 and Romana ran (with the exception of K9, who walked) out of harm's way. The TimeFord Transit shot some kind of Yellow object out of the back, which landed nearby and propelled the van into the air. It smashed through the Jelly Baby, causing a hole. However, the flaw was that they were now stuck inside a massive yellow Jelly Baby. The Jelly Baby healed over the hole, trapping the Cult of Skaro inside. That was the last time they were heard of, except from a few muffled "EXTERMINATES".

The Sixth Doctor got up, dusted down his coat and adjusted his ridiculous hair.

"Ah hello me, me and Romana. Can you help me, I nee--" The Sixth Doctor's speech was cut off suddenly when the Jelly Baby stepped on him.

"Oh dear," said the First Doctor, still spreading disease like a dog. It was a miracle that no-one save the jelly baby had actually caught anything, really.

"Am I dead?" said the Fourth Doctor in confusion. "I don't feel dead. In fact, judging from the amount of adrenaline pumping through my system, I am very much alive - though I don't think I will be for much longer if we stand around like this."

"You must be my future regeneration," said the First Doctor, changing the subject for no reason. The jelly baby screamed "RAAGHH!!", plague spores now forming quite visibly inside its horrible yellow body (which was incidentally exactly the same colour as the now-deceased Sixth Doctor's hair.)

"Yes, I am. Our third, actually," said the Fourth Doctor. "And that must be us in the future. To think we could sink so low."

"Hm, I don't see what's wrong with us - our hair is actually quite nice."

"No it isn't."

"But - oh, poor us! What a way to die, being stepped on by a giant jelly baby! We'll be the laughing stock of the entire universe!"

"Ahem," said the Sixth Doctor, "I'm not dead."

The First Doctor harrumphed.

"Harrumph."

"What an odd word," said the Sixth Doctor. "I'm glad we're not you any more."

"We are from my point of view!" said the First Doctor. "Why are you here, anyway?"

"I'm not here by choice, you know! I'm looking for Peri... perhaps you've seen her? It's not like there're many humans here, so maybe--"

"You're looking for who?" asked the First and Fourth Doctors in confusion.

The Sixth slapped his forehead.

"I should've known, you don't know who she is yet!"

The Jelly Baby, who had been trying to get rid of the Cult of Skaro to no avail, suddenly keeled over and died. The Doctors didn't notice.

"Is she one of our companions, then?" said the Fourth Doctor. He was now feeling very pleased with himself to have gotten the best appearance and hair he had seen so far.

"Is she... pretty?" asked the Master, interrupting the conversation with a strange look in his eyes. He had been picking his way through the bits of squashed Rutan and Sontaran for quite a long time to reach the Time Lord - Time Lords? he didn't know.

"Peri? Pretty?" said the Sixth Doctor incredulously. "Of course not! And she's annoying to boot, but I still need to find her!"

"Err... if you'll notice, Doctors, the jelly baby collapsed a while ago," Romana remarked sharply. She was feeling a little left out of this.

"Good god!" said the Fourth Doctor, and went over to investigate.

He investigated.

"Romana, you see this? Its body is almost completely black now! It must have been the disease I spread like a dog before I regenerated to this handsome form."

"No Doctor, that's a lump of coal. The Jelly Baby is here."

Romana looked skywards, annoyed by the fact that neither of the Doctor had noticed the Jelly Baby.

"RAAGHH!!" the Jelly Baby shouted, having risen again. Peri strolled into view, eating a packet of Jelly Babies. The enraged Jelly Baby saw this, and charged towards her. The Sixth Doctor saw this, came to his senses, and ran towards her, far faster then any Giant Jelly Baby. He caught her in a flying tackle and pushed her to the ground, where she continued to eat Jelly Babies. The Jelly Baby had in fact decided to charge off in another direction completely, so the Sixth Doctor's actions were in no way necessary. Susan strolled into view, catching them in the act.

"Susan, I told you to stay in the TARDIS!" the First Doctor said indignantly.

"Yes, but which one Grandfather? There are four TARDISes in a row there!" Susan replied.

"Well look inside and see which has the right interior," the Doctor, the Doctor, the Doctor, the Master and Romana chorused together.

"Good plan."

Susan turned to go, but the First Doctor stopped her.

"Wait Granddaughter, you said there were FOUR TARDISes. FOUR?"

"Yes. Oh, but there are only three Doctors! How odd."

"Er yes, well one is mine," the Master admitted. "It took on the nature of its surroundings, so it become the shape of your TARDISes."

Peri finished the packet of Jelly Babies and wandered off to find more. The Sixth Doctor ran off after her.

"I can't believe me become THAT, me," the Fourth Doctor said, still looking at the two retreating figures. "Anyway, down to the business, the Jelly Baby. Anyone got any good ideas on how to defeat it?"

Silence.

"No?"

"No," said the First Doctor, and laughed oddly.

"Oh."

Romana gasped.

"Doctors! Look--"

It was too late. The massive jelly baby picked up the First Doctor like a tiny child's toy; resistance, as he very soon found out, was futile. The First Doctor quickly stopped struggling and went limp.

"Romana!" shouted the Fourth Doctor in shock. "I think I might be dead!"

"You can't be," Romana said, "because you're still alive!"

"So I am!" said the Fourth Doctor. "But I might not be for much longer! Quick, help me wake me up!"

And so, of course, they decided to drive towards the jelly baby screaming and yelling in the van that they had managed to get somehow, even though the TimeFord Transit was still stuck in their assailant and the original Dalek Van was dispersing into the upper atmosphere for some reason.

Then the Doctor remembered he couldn't drive.

Then he realised that Susan was sitting on his lap.

"Why are you sitting on my lap?"

Susan looked around in horror.

"I really have no idea."

She got off his lap and fell out of the van, because the doors were open in a clear breach of safety standards.

"Oh dear," said Romana worriedly. "Oh Rutan."

"Maybe we should try and save her?"

"But you're going to get killed! Quick, Doctor! We've got to wake you up!"

Luckily, Susan landed on top of a Dalek mutant that was lying on the floor, which broke her fall and her finger. The Fourth Doctor drove the van straight into the Jelly Baby, then he and Romana jumped out. The van exploded, distracting the Jelly Baby, causing it to discharge its payload. The First Doctor fell to the ground, spreading disease like a plummeting dog, and landed safely on the Jelly Baby's foot.

Though not quite safe, owing to the fact that the Jelly Baby kicked him off.

The Doctor flew through the air and hit the Doctor, bowling him over. Romana helped the Doctor and the Doctor up.

Susan was still sitting on the deceased mutant, nursing her broken finger. The Doctor helped her up, and the Doctors, the Master, Romana, Susan and K9 ran off, hotly pursued by the Jelly Baby.

"We can't fire at it, we can't run it over, and we can't fire William Hartnell at it, so what do we do?" Romana enquired.

The two remaining Doctors pondered, and the Master walked round in small circles.

"When the Dalek TimeFord Transit was fired into it, the skin healed over it, did it not?" Doctor mkIV asked.

"Hm. Yes it did my dear boy. I suppose that does remove most violent attacks. What would you do with a Jelly Baby, K9?" Doctor mkI asked the robot dog.

"Sensors detect a vat," K9 mkII said rather unhelpfully.

"Oh come now K9, sort yourself out!" Romana mkII sighed.

"Well, young lady, what would you do with it?"

Romana sighed.

"I don't know, Doctor. I may be academically superior, but even I don't know what to do with a giant Jelly Baby."

"Academically superior! You?! But no-one is more superior than me! I am the Doctor!"

"Actually, she is," Doctor mkIV admitted, muttering into mkI's ear.

Peri strode into view, having found no Jelly Babies and having decided to eat some mutants instead. The Doctor mkVI hove into view, panting, following behind Peri. Susan spoke.

"I don't know what to do either. I've never encountered any giant Jelly Babies before." As soon as she said that phrase, Peri perked up immediately.

"Jelly Baby? I WANNA EAT JELLY BABY!!"

The others, except the Sixth Doctor who had collapsed through exhaustion, looked at each other in amazement. The stunning simplicity of the answer astounded them.

"Well, let's go and eat us a Jelly Baby, you lot, oh, and me!" the Fourth Doctor said, setting off towards the Jelly Baby with a hungry look in his eyes, but in a good way, and with the Fourth Doctor, that is entirely possible. The others followed, markedly less enthusiastic about this prospect, except for Peri who actually overtook the Fourth after they had been walking for a few minutes.

"Jelly baby? I WANNA EAT JELLY BABY!"

"So you've said," sighed the Fourth Doctor. "I think we should wait for the others now, we're quite a lot ahead of them."

Peri looked back. On the distant horizon, she could just make out a few small antlike figures trudging along.

She turned in the direction of the jelly baby, currently running away from the determined party very fast, then pouted. The Doctor stepped back a few paces involuntarily.

"Jelly baby? I WANNA EAT JELLY BABY!"

"I KNOW YOU WANNA EAT JELLY BABY," the Doctor shouted, "BUT JUST WAIT A SECOND!"

Peri did not like the notion of waiting a second for a sprinting jelly baby to get even further away from her. She charged straight at it, screaming some unholy battle cry that sounded suspiciously like

"I LIKE SHINY THINGS!" but probably wasn't.

The Fourth Doctor, annoyed but still clinging on to his mindset of saving as many people as possible (and eating jelly babies), gave chase.

The Doctor, the Doctor, K9, the Master, Susan and Romana watched the two retreating figures running after the giant jelly baby, and Romana reflected on just how surreal this whole thing was.

"Hm, hm, hm!" the First Doctor laughed. "It looks like I'm rather taken with Peri!"

Everyone looked at him oddly.

"I mean, my regeneration!" he said quickly.

The Sixth Doctor paled.

"Impossible, I'm afraid," he said calmly. Romana interrupted.

"Yes, yes, quite. Impossible. Quite impossible. I don't know what YOU see in her yourself, Doctor."

"I don't see anything abnormal in her, if that's what you're implying."

"You know perfectly well I wasn't implying that, Doctor," Romana said. "You know her well, don't you?"

"And what are you implying there?" said the Sixth Doctor, trying to sound nonchalant but failing.

"...Actually, I wasn't implying anything there. I just want to make sure that my Doctor isn't being seduced or anything."

"Of course not, Romana," said the Sixth quickly. "Peri wouldn't do that."

The Master about turned and walked off in the opposite direction.

"Come back!" said the First Doctor, although why he said this remains a mystery.

The Master came back.

"Sit!" said the First Doctor.

The Master sat.

"Good dog!" said the First Doctor.

The Master was a good dog, which aggravated K9 as he was used to being the only good dog around there. He shot the Master with a warning blast which made the Master yelp like a disease-spreading dog, which of course he wasn't because then he'd be William Hartnell.

The First Doctor took offence with this and wouldn't give it back.

The Fourth Doctor had succeeded in catching Peri, and had to drag her back to the others by her feet. When he returned to the others, the first Doctor, K9 and the Master were all fighting. Romana gazed imploringly at 'her' Doctor, but eye contact was broken when the Sixth Doctor threw himself at the Fourth in anger.

"What am I doing, me?" the Fourth asked the Sixth.

"PERI IS MINE, DOCTOR, MINE!!!"

The Fourth ended this tiring encounter by allowing Romana to rescue him by smashing the Sixth over the back of the head.

"Stupid me, everyone knows that I want Romana and not Peri."

"Oh really, Doctor?" Romana asked, with a distinct flutter of her eyelashes.

"Of course not you silly girl, that's just for the benefit of me."

Romana turned back to face the battle between the First, K9 and the Master to see what was going on, but mainly to hide the disappointment in her eyes. Behind her back the Doctor blushed and blew a small sigh of relief.

With the First sitting on the Master's head while grappling with K9, the fight was finally broken up when Susan decided enough was enough, pulled K9 off, and removed her grandfather from the Master's face.

"Look, come on you, we need to defeat the Jelly Baby, not each other!"

"That's all very well, but the Jelly Baby is gone!" The Sixth Doctor realised.

"JELLY BABY GONED!" Peri wailed.

Suddenly, a large thumping noise could be heard from behind, a long distance away but coming closer at tremendous speed.

"Well, I like to believe 3 impossible things before breakfast," the Fourth Doctor said.

"You don't say that until your next regeneration!" the Sixth Doctor said indignantly.

"Oh come on you two--"

"One, actually," The 3 present regenerations of the Doctors said simultaneously.

"One, then, but anyway, WHAT IS THAT THUMPING NOISE BEHIND US!!" Romana finished.

"Well, that is what I wanted to believe you see, I do believe that is the Jelly Baby."

"But it's behind us!"

"It's run so fast that it's gone all the way around the planet!"

"It can't have, me, because there's only one continent!" The First told the Fourth.

"Oh. Then it must have circled all the way around us." The poor Fourth Doctor blushed and looked away, and Romana couldn't help but feel a wave of sympathy for him.

The Jelly Baby arrived.

"Quick, into a circle! LAUNCH THE WILLIAM HARTNELL! ERR, I MEAN, ATTACK!"

After that rather foolish introduction to the final battle from the Sixth Doctor, they went to it with a will. The Fourth ran in between the feet, and started to chew.

The Jelly Baby roared in shock and distress as the Sixth started to eat its ear, the First started to eat its feet, the Fourth its ankle, Romana its chest, and the Master parts that shouldn't be mentioned. Peri was hugging its thighs in joy and chewing like her life depended on it. This caused the Sixth considerable pain.

The Jelly Baby ran around, trying to avoid its pursuers and crush them if it could. It finally succeeded when it fell over, fell, then rose with Romana clutched in its hand. It promptly ate her.

"NOOOO!"

The Fourth Doctor let out a cry like a wounded animal, then started attacking the Jelly Baby with bare animal rage, devastated at the loss of Romana.

"Mmmf!" called Romana from inside the Jelly Baby.

"It's not nice in there," the Master said. Suddenly the Fourth Doctor ceased his attack, and turned to the Master.

"Less talking and more eating, Master!"

The Doctor then had another thought.

"Hang on, the Master got out SO ROMANA CAN GET OUT TOO! Romana, can you hear me?"

"MMF!"

"I'll take that as a yes. Romana, whatever you do, don't go into the stomach, and EAT YOUR WAY OUT!!"

"Mmf!" said Romana, acknowledging the Doctor's wisdom.

Romana was biting back.

Peri had eaten her way entirely through one of the jelly baby's thighs, and it fell over wailing something intelligible. It collapsed on top of the First Doctor, but it was too light to actually do anything. The Master had finished his horrible meal and it was highly improbable that the jelly baby race would be continued. The First ceased to feast on the foot because it was now inanimate and detached. He moved onto the Jelly Baby's hand. The Fourth had climbed to the stomach and ate from the other side to give Romana some assistance. The Sixth had finished the ear and was now eating inside the head. The Doctor and Romana had met in the middle and was some time before they realised they were eating each other's heads. Romana's surprise was so great she fell back into the Jelly Baby, and the Doctor climbed in after her to give her some help. The First and Susan had got bored and gone back to their TARDIS. The Sixth was hiding in the Jelly Baby's head, while Peri was on the rampage. Only the Master was left chewing away at some unappropriate parts, Peri was eating everything in sight, and the Doctor and Romana were having some quiet time inside the Jelly Baby's stomach.

Romana emerged, straightening her hat, while the Doctor was straightening her blouse. The Sixth Doctor looked on the verge of apoplexy, for some odd reason, as he stared down at the two from his lofty position.

Peri then chewed through the jelly baby's neck and the Doctor went flying. He landed with a squelch in a rather unfortunately placed patch of mud and stood up slowly, surveying the damage done. As he did so, Romana burst into a fit of giggles and the Fourth Doctor had to shush her in a rather dramatic way. The Sixth looked around, trying to determine the source of the humour - then he looked down.

"Oh, Peri," he sighed, brushing the mud from the back of his trousers. "That was uncalled for, you know. I'm perfectly aware that time travel and a long period of sprinting does tend to work up quite a bit of an appetite, but did you really need to do that?"

Peri wasn't listening; she had now moved down to where the Master was still working and they were having a fight over who got what. K9 was trundling around in small circles, unable to eat anything and getting very bored. The Fourth Doctor and Romana were trying to get the jelly baby's stomach acid off their clothes, the First Doctor and Susan were on Raxacoricofallapatorius trying not to get killed and the jelly baby itself was slowly giving up its grip on life despite not having a head any more.

"Hullo? Hullo-oooo!" shouted the Sixth Doctor. "Why isn't anyone listening to me?"

No answer. The chaos continued.

"Right, fine! If I don't get an answer from someone in the next 10 seconds I'm going back to the TARDIS!"

He waited 15 seconds, just to be sure.

"I'm going now, Peri! Don't think you can come with me!" the Sixth Doctor said, sulking. He turned to go and slipped once more in the mud. This time he fell face-down, and when he finally got up again he resembled nothing so much as a horrible dripping mud monster - even more than he did already.

The Jelly Baby had finally lost, its large body just a large chunk of lifeless jelly. The Master could see this, and, sensing his good fortune, began eating ravenously. The Sixth, who was stuck, was trying to extract himself as fast as possible to be rid of Peri, but the Master had eaten the rest of the Jelly Baby so wandered over to him and followed him back to his TARDIS.

"Doctor! Look, the Master!" Romana called.

The Master had an awful pain in his stomach, and was doubled up on the floor. He had eaten around a tonne of Jelly Baby, and was suffering from fierce indigestion. He fell flat on his back, then began to change. His face became different, and there was a new Master on the floor.

"You had to regenerate because of INDIGESTION???" the Doctor asked incredulously. He began to laugh.

"He's very good looking now," Romana pointed out. The Fourth pulled a sad face at her.

"But not as good looking as you, Doctor," Romana said with a smile.

"Good," the Doctor said, smiling broadly.

Rose Tyler ran between them, with the Tenth Doctor running up behind.

"Stop Rose! It might be dangerous!" The Tenth looked at the Fourth.

"Oh Yuck! I turn into that?" the Fourth said, rightfully disgusted. The Tenth pretended not to hear.

"Have you seen a Jelly Baby? About 40 foot high, yellow, rather bad temper, says RAAGHH!! a lot?"

Romana tittered.

"What? Oh Timelord, it's Romana! Hello!!"

"We ate it," Romana finally managed to say through her giggles.

"YOU ATE MY PET?" asked the Tenth with rage.

"Yes, it was rather tasty! And look on the bright side, it caused the Master to regenerate!"

However, Rose had spotted the now very handsome Master, and was following behind him as he returned to his TARDIS. The Master looked very pleased about this and allowed Rose to enter the TARDIS ahead of him, but her energetic throwing open of the door caused it to smack the Master in the face. He fell to the floor and regenerated again, now looking very similar to a mixture of Colin Baker and Sil. He followed Rose into the TARDIS, where a loud scream could be heard, before it dematerialised.

"That is what you call a bright side?" asked the Tenth. "You chump!"

The Fourth, who is most definitely not a chump, punched him full in the face, at exactly the same time as Romana.

"Thanks for hitting me, Romana. That's something I never expected to say..." the Fourth said. Leaving the Doctor alone to recover, they set off hand in hand back to the TARDIS, with K9 following up behind. They entered the TARDIS and used the scanner to observe the Master reappearing and smashing the Tenth over the head with a brick, before the TARDIS dematerialised.

"Err K9, can you man, or dog, the controls. Romana and I have some err, important business..."

FIN.