Title: When Everything's Meant To Be Broken
Author: Brittany
Tagline: "And I don't want the world to see me, 'Cause I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's meant to be broken, just want you to know who I am."
Summary: "I'm not Betty, and you're not Henry. And I'm not going to spend the rest of my life settling because I let the love of my life slip away." The truth has never came easier to Calliope Torres than at that exact moment in Arizona's living room.
Spoilers: 6X22 "Happy, Shinny People"
Rated: PG-13
Pairings: Callie/Arizona
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings and events thereof, are properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
Author's Note:
This is my favorite, and least favorite fic that I have ever wrote. I hate the ending to this, I feel like it was rushed and it was because of this God-awful storm that is approaching. But, I'll tell you why it's my favorite: Because you get to see how weak Arizona is, and how, even at her weakest state, Callie's happiness still means more to her than anything. This is a really angsty piece but it's raw and it's full of emotion, so, I'm hoping you enjoy it because I kind of don't, but then again, I'm my own worst critic.
"And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am "
Iris- Goo Goo Dolls
Spontaneous kissing is something Callie has grown to expect with Arizona; surprising kisses in the most surprising places were nothing out of the normal for her. It was, after all, the same perky blond who kissed a complete stranger at Joe's that night and continued to pursue her, even when the odds were stacked against her. It was the same beautiful Peds surgeon whole stole kisses in the stairwell, publicly showed her affection and made good on her promises in the on call room to ease Calliope of her head ache or any stress brought on by the hectic day. But this time is different than all the rest. The kiss in the elevator complicates the situation, it changes the things that she has been struggling to learn to deal with since that night. And it is this time, this kiss that has Calliope Torres standing in front of Arizona's apartment door, staring like a stranger caught in a strange land. It is this time that leaves Calliope clueless of what to do next.
She finds herself pacing, her fingers tangled in her mess of raven black curls as she tries to make sense of it all. Sense of the situation that now haunts her, sense of the aching pain that is the hole in her heart that Arizona left, and sense of why she even let her go in the first place. After watching Henry and Betty reunite and still be in love after all those years, everything else just seems petty and foolish. The kids thing, the phone number on her hand, it all just seems far too simple and silly to throw a love like theirs away over. Yet she had; she had chosen not fight but to let it go, let her go, something she swore she would never do.
She thought it would be easier not seeing her every day, feeling her love, and knowing that she may never change her mind about having a baby. She thought this would be best for both of them, not drag it on longer than it has to be when they both clearly want different things, she thought it would cause them both less pain. But nothing is ever simple nor easy and she realizes now, how wrong she had been to believe that she could ever breathe without her.
With a heartbreaking whimper, Calliope throws another glance in the direction of Arizona's apartment. Could it be that behind the perk and the smiles, she is breaking just as badly? Could it be possible that, after everything they have been through, Arizona is still in love with her as well? Could it be possible that, maybe, just maybe, they are meant to be together, even after all this time?
Swallowing the fear in the back of her throat, she pushes herself forward as she knocks softly on the door. Waiting, she shifts her weight from one foot to the other before her patience wears thin and she knocks on the door once again. Within a moment, the door swiftly opens to reveal a devastated Arizona before her. Her curls dancing in a disheveled mess around her shoulders, her eyes reddened, her cheeks tear stained and her pajamas barely draping across her thin, petite body. Instantly, upon seeing her lover like this, Callie swears that her heart shatters in a thousand unfix-able pieces in her chest.
"You've been crying," Callie states the obvious, a quiet gush of air escaping from her pursed lips as her voices echoes with deadening pain. She knew that she must have been hurting, but simply knowing about it and seeing the hurt she inflicted, are two totally different concepts. Arizona simply shrugs her shoulders at the most obvious statement as a forced, weak chuckle escapes from her pink lips.
"Yeah, well, apparently that's all I'm good at doing these days. Um, what are...what are you doing here?" Arizona asks, her voice full of that all too familiar pain that Calliope hates to hear, as her golden brows wrinkle, creating the most infamous lines across her forehead. It is so different now, a visit that would have once been welcomed with a perky smile and tender kiss is now questioned with confusion and heartache. Callie smiles at the beautiful, curly haired blond who still undoubtedly holds every piece of her heart.
"Can I...uh...can I come in? I know that I shouldn't be here...it's not helping either of us, I know that...but...I just...I needed to see you. I really need to talk to you," Callie stutters and try as hard as she might, Arizona can't help but think it is the cutest thing that she has ever seen. Without so much as a second thought, Arizona opens the door, allowing the once bad-ass Ortho goddess to enter her apartment. Pushing her fingers through her tangled mess of hair, Arizona smiles weakly at the beautiful woman who almost seems like a complete stranger to her now, the woman that she would still unreasonably lay her life down for.
"Calliope...about what happened earlier...I..." but the words fail Arizona now, because how do you do it? How do you apologize for something that you truly are not sorry for? How do you look at the woman that you are in love with and apologize for still being in love with her? It's far too complicated now, far too messy and unpredictable for a simply apologize to fix this mess between them. Her pained blue eyes meet Calliope's russet brown and the Latina simply smiles at her ex-girlfriend with a nod of her head and a simple flick of her wrist.
"It's okay. You forget that I know you better than anybody else in this world. You can fool Teddy and Karev and Lexie into believing that you are okay with that beautiful smile and perky attitude of yours but you can't...you can't fool me. I know you're hurting because we are all hurting. It...it shouldn't have ended the way that it did. But you don't...you don't have to hide the hurt from me because it's killing me, too," Callie explains, her voice in a hushed whisper and she pretends like she can't see the tears that are forming within Arizona's gorgeous baby blue eyes. It is moments like this in which she wants to run to her, wrap her in her loving arms, kiss away the tears and promise to love and cherish her for the rest of her life. But, that's not her place anymore, Arizona isn't hers anymore and she has to deal with the fact that she is the one who made that choice. Arizona tumbles backwards onto the sofa with a sniffle as she brushes a stray curl away from her face, gnawing innocently upon her bottom lip as the thoughts plague her mind.
"I didn't...I didn't want you to see me hurting. Because I know...I know this is hard for you. This whole kids thing, it's just...so hard for you and you need somebody to be strong for you. You need someone to be strong for you, to watch out for you and protect you from all the things that are going to cause you more pain. And yeah, you have Mark but let's face it...he's...Mark. I couldn't let you see me being upset because you need me to be there for you, whether you are aware of it or not, and I knew once I started crying, I wouldn't be able to stop," Arizona admits, her voice husky and threatening to break. The tears burn within her eyes yet again, a few slipping from the dam in which she tried to hard to keep them trapped within and she hates it. She hates the way that her stomach twists at the sight of Calliope now, she hates the way that just the sound of her name can cause a new batch of tears to form within her eyes, she hates that she gave herself completely to the woman before her, only to have her heart handed back to her.
"Arizona..." Callie begins but she finds herself failing to find the words of comfort that the beautiful Peds surgeon so desperately needs to hear. Instead, she simply stares at the beautiful mess that she has created, watching as those infamous tears crash like waves down her cheeks, each one cutting away at her piece by piece. She watches as the pain that she has inflicted upon the beautiful lady begins to unfold and she hates herself so much for ever hurting her in such a way.
"It would be easier for me if I could look at you and not still want to be with you. But I can't. I can't do that, Callie. I can't be your friend. I can't do it. It has to be more than that. And I want to be your friend, I really want to be your friend because not having you in my life.... I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I can't be the person that you want me to be. I'm sorry that you can't...that you can't have a future with me," Arizona's voice breaks and it is that exact moment, every wall the daughter of the Colonel build around her heart, suddenly comes tumbling down. A sound that can only be identified as a whimper escapes from Callie's pursed lips as tears weld within her own warm russet brown eyes and her body begins to tremble for the lovely lady in which she desires so much, the lovely lady that will never be hers.
"I'm still in love with you," Callie mumbles and Arizona glances up from the spot on the floor in which she had been staring, a hard line across her face as she shrugs her shoulders. It shouldn't be this way, she thinks, their love should not have faded far too quickly for them to even think about fighting for it.
"I'm still in love with you, too. But it doesn't...it doesn't change anything, now, does it? You want a baby and I can't...I won't be the person who is standing in your way. I won't let you give up something that you want, something that you deserve, for me. It's not...it's not fair for you. You want a baby and I...I don't know if I will ever change my mind about having children, Calliope. Maybe I will. Maybe I won't. But you can't sit around waiting for a day that may or may not happen. If you stay with me and I keep you from having that baby, you'll grow to hate for me. Sure, it'll fine the first couple of months, but once you start seeing families together, you'll resent me from keeping you from having that. And I would rather have you be happy with someone else than be with me and hate me. I love you...I love you too much to do that to you," Arizona cries, the saddest of tears falling from her azul eyes and it creates another tiny crack in Calliope's heart, another tiny crack that could never be healed, even with the purest and most passionate of loves. Pacing nervously in front of the young woman, Callie chokes back her own cry in the back of her throat with a simple shake of her head before she stops, her jaw locked tightly in determination as her dark brown eyes meet with Arizona's soft blue. And suddenly, in that single moment, everything falls away, suddenly there is peace in the raging storm.
"Today, I witnessed something so...amazing. I mean, there is always something amazing going in with medicine and in the hospital but this...there were these two old people. Henry who was in for a fall that he can't remember having, and Betty, who only injured herself in the slightest of ways. Both needed a surgery, and being the only Orthopedic attending, I was immediately signed the case and Teddy was signed the other. Two simple cases that should've taken a couple of hours in surgery and our patients would have been released. Medical cases that happen every day," Callie begins and Arizona simply watches her in confusion. A weak smile curls at the ends of Calliope's pink lips as her eyes lock within Arizona's and she wonders if she feels it to; the way that her heart races a the brief meeting of their eyes.
"But this wasn't just a normal case. They...they knew each other. They had been lovers once. But times were different back then and their love was forbidden. Kind of like ours. So, they...they moved on with their lives. Got married. Had children. And they never spoke to each other again, they just...lived their lives helplessly in love with one another even though they were worlds apart. And then, suddenly, they were reunited in our hospital and it was like...they picked up right where they left off. Sure, Betty had to give Henry a little chase in the beginning but then, she agreed to fly half way around the world to shake up with him because she was still in love with him and regretted all the years that passed by that she didn't get to spend with the love of her life," Callie exclaims, the smile spreading on her face but Arizona simply shakes her head, her brow wrinkled in confusion as she stares at the woman standing before her.
"Calliope...I don't..." But she is interrupted.
"I know that the problems between us are still problems. We're not Mark and Lexie, you know? Sloan and baby Sloan were their problems and now, both are gone and they can pick up right where they left off, like nothing ever happened, you know? Expect, minus the whole Karev situation. And I know that we can't do that, I know that we still have things to work out and we can't just go back to being Callie and Arizona, two people who are helplessly in love with each other but I was thinking that..." Yet, Arizona interrupts her as she slowly stands, shaking her head as her lips quiver, the tears threatening to fall from her eyes again. It takes every amount of strength inside of her to slowly push herself toward the beautiful mess of a dreamer, as the truth that she so desperately wants to forget aches through her bones.
"We can't do this to each other. We can't...we can't keep going when we don't even know where we are going. I want to be with you, don't ever think that this whole thing is because I don't want to be with you because that's not true. It's just...when you love someone...their happiness has to come first. And you won't...with me, you won't...we can't do this, Callie," Arizona begs but Callie shakes her head, a quiet laugh escaping from her lips as she takes another step toward Arizona.
"Damn it, Arizona. Don't you see? I'm not Henry and you're not Betty. And I'm not going to spend the rest of my life settling because I let the love of my life slip away over something as simple as her not wanting to have children. I'm not going to wait until we are old and wrinkly and in the hospital because we have poor balance and can barely keep ourselves firmly planted on the ground to say what I should have said years ago. I'm not going to let us do this to each other because being without you hurts a hell of a lot worse than being with you," Callie exclaims but Arizona simply hangs her head, the curls coming forward, carefully shading her small, perfect face.
"But kids..."
"I could have kids with anybody in this world. I could go down to Joe's right now and pick up someone and date them and maybe spend the rest of my life with them. I could find me a good man or woman and walk down the isle with them, spend our honeymoon in Spain and have two little boys and a girl. I could find someone equally as successful as I am, someone who understands that I'm not always going to have time to spend with them, someone who would tape little Sara's soccer games and little Johnny's basketball games for me. I could find someone who would hold my hand as they are getting married to someone who will, in my opinion, never be as great as they are. I could find somebody else," Callie exclaims, taking another step closer to Arizona. The blond sniffles, brushing her hair way from her face as she glances up at the beautiful woman who instantly takes her breath away, just like all the times before.
"Calliope," She whispers but Callie stops her as she takes her face in her hands.
"I could find somebody, Arizona, and I could have that life with somebody but none of it would mean anything because it wasn't with you. I want this life with you and only you. It doesn't matter about the kids anymore, it doesn't matter if I think you are stubborn and if you think I am being pushy and needy. This is about me and you, because it's always been about me and you. And I don't want to spend the rest of my life with somebody who isn't you. You are my one, Arizona. And I'll be damned if I let you slip away because I am too stupid or stubborn to realize that it's not the kids that I want, but it's you. It's always been you," Callie demands, her jaw locking tightly. Suddenly, before any more words can escape her, Arizona's lips collide heavily with hers.
It only takes a matter of seconds before Calliope's hands become tangled with the mess of Arizona's hair, as Arizona's small hands find their firm resting place upon her hips. Their lips dance together as if they are alive to music as the Peds surgeon carefully places herself between Calliope's legs, gently stabilizing their perfectly intertwined body against the marble counter top. Gently, her teeth graze upon Callie's bottom lip, tugging just hard enough to draw blood. In a matter of moments, Calliope's tongue is gently brushing against Arizona's lips, asking for permission which is instantly granted. Carefully, her tongue wraps around Arizona's front teeth, tugging just slightly as her hands leave from her tangled hair and slip down her waist. With a smirk, Arizona pulls away, struggling to catch her breath before their lips meet again in another passionate kiss. But as quick as their make out session began, it ends, as Arizona pulls away from the kiss, leaving her forehead against Calliope's as she struggles to catch the breath that she is taking away from her. Heaving to catch her own breath, Calliope gently plays with the golden curls that frame Arizona's seemingly flawless face as she gazes into her lovingly blue eyes. She had not noticed the tears in them until she hears the whimper that escapes from her delicate lips.
"You...uh...you need to go," Arizona whimpers, stepping away as she brushes her hair away from her face. Callie stares at her in confusion, her brow drawn together as the three wrinkles carefully brush against her forehead. Arizona smiles carefully, twisting her fingers in her hair, wishing with all of her might, oh how she was wishing, that all of this could be so very, very different.
"Just...be real, Calliope. We're not Henry and Betty, you know? Maybe a love is forbidden for a reason. And I know that you say that you won't resent me, but you will. I know you will. I see the way that you look at babies, at families that have children, I see how badly you want one. And I know how badly you deserve one. I just...I can't be the woman who gives you that, not now. And I'm not going to ask you to wait for me, because you deserve...so much more than that. And I just...I don't know what to do right now because I am so in love with you and being without you is killing me but I don't...I won't..." Arizona's voice breaks yet again as she walks to the door, turning the brass knob in her hand, gently opening it.
"No," Callie whispers, slowly standing on her wobbly legs that now feel like jello as she slowly approaches the young girl, "no, I won't let you do this. I won't let you throw us away over some doubt that I may resent you or hate you when that moment isn't even here in our lives. I won't just stand here and let you kick me out of your apartment, out of your life..."
"Damn it, Callie! Don't you see this is hurting me? Don't you see it? Is it not written all over my face every time that I see you at that stupid hospital? With Mark? With Lexie? Damn it, this is killing me! And I'm trying to be the bigger person here, I am trying to be selfless and give you what you need, which is an out. And you are just standing there, telling me how much you love me and it is so hard. This is so hard for me because I want nothing more than to hold you in my arms and tell you how much you mean to me, how much I love you. I really...I really don't know what to do anymore because I may never want kids and you do. And you deserve them. I love you so much, I'm so in love with you but I really, really, need you to go. I need you to go because if you don't, I'm going to fall into your arms and tell you how much I love you and swear that I'm never going to let you go. And then, if I never change my mind, you'll settle and you'll... You deserve to be happy and I would rather see you happy with someone who isn't me than to stay with me for the next fifty years and hate me for it. So please go, let me do this for you while I'm still strong enough, please just go," Arizona snaps, her voice breaking as she holds the door open for the daring raven haired woman. With a sigh, and tear filled eyes, Callie simply nods her head as she stands in the doorway, her russet brown eyes meeting with Arizona's pale blue yet again.
"You know, I'm never going to stop, right? I'm going to keep fighting for you, time and time again until you wake one day and you realize that you are meant to be with me, too. The kids thing...it's a big deal but we would get through it, we will get through it. So, you can push me away all you want because you think it's what is best and you know....maybe for right now, it is. But I'm not the Old Callie anymore, I'm not going to just run away because it's easier than facing the truth. And the truth is I am always going to be with you. So, I'm going to fight for you, Arizona Robbins, and with my last dying breath, I'm going to be calling your name. I'm going to wait for you, because my future means nothing, if I'm not sharing it with you," Callie demands, pulling Arizona into one last, fiery, passionate kiss. The blond melts into her arms for a brief moment, their bodies swaying together before she pulls away, the tears well within her eyes.
"Goodbye, Calliope," Arizona whispers, gently shutting the door. As soon as the knob clicks into place, the heart wrenching sobs escape from the curly haired blond as she spreads her hand across the door, resting her forehead against the wooden structure. Her sobs erupt from her small body, the vibrations of her cries overcoming her, unaware that standing on the other side of the door, palms spread across the door with her own forehead resting against the structure, Calliope Torres cries for her as well. Sulking, her body slides onto the floor as she cries for her forbidden love; a love that she would rather spend her life without than to ever try to experience the passionate feeling with any one who isn't Calliope Torres. She cries because nothing in her world makes sense without her, but more importantly, she cries because the fiery raven haired beauty deserved so much more than she could ever give her. She cries for her, because it's the only thing she is strong enough to do, anymore.
Reviews are nice