A/N: Okay so I was bored and can't think of what to write next in Changes so I wrote some crack that was inspired by the c.d. Iowa by Slipkont. (I put the lyrics for the song The Shape at the end so you can just ignore them) May be ooc, I really don't care (Near is talking to a dead person after all) There is probably more crack to come...oh and spellcheck wasn't working on here or online so some errors may have occured..i'm sorries! (I do Not own Death Note or Slipknot)

Near: "So you want me to explain the way I think? To tell people about myself?"

L: "Yes, thats percisly what I want you to do."

Near: "Why?"

L: "Because no one gets you Near."

Near: "I like it that way."

L: "Near..."

Near: "Where did you get this idea from anyways?"

L: "I was listening to a cd and noticed all the songs reminded me of you guys."

Near: "What cd?"

L: "Thats not important."

Near: "Tell me or I wont do it."

L: *sighs* "Slipknot, Iowa."

Near: "You were listening to Slipknot?"

L: "Just do it."

Near: "Which song reminded you of me?"

L: "Near..."

Near: "Tell me."

L: "Fine. The Shape. Now please start."

Near: "...Fine."

So since the illustrius L has commanded me to tell you about myself against my wishes here it goes...

I am Near. I was born Nate River. I have no idea where I was born or who my parents were. Never bothered to find out either. I believe Roger mentioned something about the three sucessors to L all being from the U.S. once, but i'm really not sure. I tend to ignore Roger.

I tend to ignore everyone.

Except L aparently...why am I not ignoring you?

L: Just keep going.

*sigh* Fine.

Everyone thinks I'm emotionless. They're wrong. I have emotions. I feel amused, angry, irritated...Okay so I don't have a lot of emotions, but I do have them.

I even cried once. Just once. It was right after Mello left Wammy's.

I didn't like how I felt when I cried, so I never did it again. It was pointless anyways. What is the purpose of crying? From my one experience it just makes you feel worse. Who would want to feel worse?

I told Matt I was sorry. He said I wasn't sorry and that I shouldnt pretend, that I was no good at faking that emotion. I told him he was right, I wasn't sorry.

I really wasn't.

I wasn't happy either though. I was completely indifrent. Atleast at that moment.

It wasn't until three days later that I actually was sorry that Mello had left. As annoying as his little (or not so little, I suppose it depends on who you talk to) rivelry was, I missed the short tempered, chocolate obsessed, violent, blonde.

Mello was a key piece in my game. Don't ask me to explain the game to you, because honestly even I don't know how it works. But it's a game none the less.

Everything is a game.

Mello knew that too.

Matt left shortly after Mello did. That actually made me a little sad. Another piece in my game had left me.

I was running out of peices and it made the moves harder. I had to think more. It was giving me headaches. I didnt like that either.

Mello and Matt were my entertainement, my clues (Mello talked way to much, never realised I was actually listening), they kept me grounded. They were my emotions. They were mine.

I don't have friends persay, I have people I collect. People that become mine.

I suppose that sounds horrible, but it's just how I work.

Once Matt told me I was like a Vulcan after I said something was illogical. That amused me to no end. See...emotion.

I will never feel love (who would want to anyways? Everyone I have ever seen that loved someone ended up hurt), I will never feel embarassment, I will never feel sympathy, I will never feel dread. I could keep naming emotions that I would never feel, but there really is no point, now is there? You either understand by now or you don't.

You probably don't. Oh well.

Near: Can I be done now?

L: No.

Near: I'm glad your dead.

.

.

.

L: Near?

.

.

.

L: Near? What are you doing?

Near: Ignoring you.

L: Near...

Near: Looking up the lyrics to that song.

L: NEAR!

Near: I don't want to do this anymore. Go bug Mello, he'll be thrilled.

L: ...Fine, if thats how you feel, I will.

Near: Good.

*Near posts lyrics and smiles creepily*

Too tragic to stay with you
Too static to try for you
These scars, they swallow hard
The part of the past that's hollow and dark
Too horrid to kill for you
Too sordid to die with you
Unstable as always, come down
Everything else is just dust and sound

SEPARATE (I've lost my only way)
SEPARATE (I've lost my only way)
SEPARATE (I've lost my only way)
SEE THE SHAPE (Broken and thrown away)

I'd give it all away, come take it all away
You can't resent the fear
Somebody tell me how I got here
I'd give it all to you, come take it, it's all for you
The noise is so damn loud, but
Everything else is just dust and sound

SEPARATE (I've lost my only way)
SEPARATE (I've lost my only way)
SEPARATE (I've lost my only way)
SEE THE SHAPE (Broken and thrown away)

I don't wanna do this anymore
Everything's shit - everything's been taken
Forsaken - gotta start it over cuz I'm hearing it
Backwards - DON'T make sense - DON'T feel better
Who's better? It's not that simple
You gotta figure it out before you make things difficult
It's not a word, it's a problem, the problem was easy
Draw your conclusions - solutions?
Anybody else wanna run?
Contorting, distorting - I am undone
One less propaganda nightmare fixture
Are you getting the picture?