Josh had learned his lesson the first time. "Whatever you do," he would tell Sam, "Don't argue with Donna unless you're willing to put up a good fight." Sam believed him too. Donna or Donnatella, as Josh would call her just to see her cheeks blush, was a fighter, and never just accepted that Josh was always right. It was that spirit that would help Donna through the most difficult fight of her life.
C.J. was the first to mention the change in Donna's appearance. She had noticed Donna's sudden weight loss. It had begun following Rosslyn, but hadn't stopped in the three months that had followed. Sam chalked it up to being by Josh's side in the hospital every available moment, and hospital food always had a reputation of being lousy. Maybe Sam was right? Josh had certainly lost a bit of weight since that fateful Tuesday night. Maybe C.J. was just overprotective of Donna, now that she knew Donna and Josh had feelings for each other. There were other signs too, but the other staffers never put all the pieces of the puzzle together.
Then there came the incident at the State Dinner. The evening began like any other of these formal occasions Josh would drag Donna to, but something was amiss. Donna didn't look well. She was pale, and even Josh calling her Donnatella didn't bring the color to her face.
"Good evening Donnatella.", Josh greeted her with a sly grin. "You look absolutely stunning this evening."
"Tell me again why I do this for you?", Donna grumbled.
"Because you're madly in love with me, and can't stand to be away from me for a second." He knew that had to bring the blood to her cheeks, but it didn't. "Are you okay?", he asked, softening his tone a bit. "You're looking a little on the peeked side tonight.", he said as he put a hand to her forehead. "You feel warm."
"Just tired I guess.", Donna said quietly, pulling away from his hand. "All those hours keeping you company have finally caught up with me I guess.", she lied. Donna didn't really know what was going on inside her body. She had felt ill for some time now, but didn't feel right complaining when Josh, the man she loved, had nearly died. Josh was right though. She did look ragged that evening, and felt just the same. Perhaps she could weasel her way out of the dinner early.
"Evening love birds," Sam taunted as he, Toby, and C.J. approached the two.
"Very funny Seaborne.", Josh joked. He knew it was true, but wasn't ready to openly admit that Donnatella Moss was soon to become Mrs. Joshua Lyman.
"Donna you look down right,"...she was waiting to hear the same compliment from Toby that Josh had given her earlier, but was surprised to hear, "sickly. Are you feeling all right tonight?", Toby never was one to mince words.
"That was one of the rudest things I've ever heard from you, Tobias. And that's not saying much. Now apologize to Donna.", C.J. urged Toby.
"I'm sorry Donna. Its just you don't look so good." Donna knew Toby was only trying to be helpful, but at the moment she was in no condition to listen to his lecture.
"I'm fine Toby. Thank you for your concern, but really I'm fine.", Donna tried to convince herself as well as her fellow colleagues.
Josh and Donna with Toby, Sam, and C.J. in tow followed the other guests through the receiving line shaking hands with the President's many guests. When the line reached the President and Dr. Bartlett, Donna began to feel extremely unwell. She shook the President's hand and congratulated him on a successful evening. As she reached for Dr. Bartlett's hand, Donna suddenly blanched and began to see black dots dart across her field of vision.
"Donna? Are you all right?," Dr. Bartlett asked in a concerned tone. Donna began to sway as the dots continued to rush across her eyes.
"I don't know.", Donna said weakly trying her hardest not to collapse right there in the middle of everything.
"Josh, grab that chair for Donna. Why don't you sit down for a moment? Perhaps you're just a little overheated." Josh did as he was told, and helped a very weakened Donna sit in the chair provided for her.
"Abbey, is everything okay?", the President asked quietly as he continued to greet his guests.
"I think she's just a little overheated. Henry, could you get us a glass of ice water?", Dr. Bartlett directed the security agent standing next to the President.
"Yes, mam."
Dr. Bartlett put her hand to Donna's forehead and then to the back of her neck. Donna felt warm. As with Josh earlier, Donna tried to squirm her way out from under the First Lady's hand, but gave up in her dizziness.
"I think I'm okay, just a little dizzy. I don't want to make a scene."
"You're not making a scene, Donna. That's my job.", Josh mused although he could see a look of great fear in Donna's eyes. She never liked drawing attention to herself except in the office, and that was only if it was a battle of wits between Josh and herself.
At that moment, Henry returned with a glass of ice water, which he promptly handed to Dr. Bartlett. "Take some slow sips of this Donna." Dr. Bartlett took Donna's free hand in hers and began to count the beats of Donna's pulse while watching Donna's breathing. A small frown was all Dr. Bartlett showed.
"Is there something I can do?", Josh asked anxiously. He had seen that look on the First Lady before, when he had awoken in the hospital after the shooting. She was worried.
"Yes. If you wouldn't mind escorting Donna to the blue room, I'll be with you in a moment.", Abbey stated matter of factly.
"Is this necessary? Really, I'm feeling much better.", Donna started to argue.
"Its best just to go along with it.", the President whispered. "She's in doctor mode now. Besides I wouldn't want you to faint on poor Josh. He's not quite strong enough yet." The President took Donna's hand and squeezed it gently.
"Yes sir.", Donna said softly.
Josh watched as she began to stand. He quickly put his arm around her waist to help her gain back her balance. A bewildered Josh escorted Donna from the ballroom into the smaller blue room. He gently lowered her to a nearby sofa, and took her hand in his. "Its probably nothing, you know. Hey, maybe you can get a few days vacation out of this. Better yet, me too, if you're contagious.", he mused as he tried to lighten the situation.
Donna didn't laugh.
Dr. Bartlett returned with her black medical bag, and began to further assess Donna's condition. "Let's check your temperature first.", Dr. Bartlett said as she placed the thermometer in Donna's ear.
"Would you like me to leave?", Josh asked not wanting to intrude on anything personal.
"Josh...", Donna said in a voice barely audible.
He reached for her hand, holding it tightly, "I'm right here Donna. I'm not going anywhere."
Once more Abbey took Donna's wrist and counted her pulse while she watched Donna seem to struggle for breath. "Have you been sick lately, Donna?" Donna shook her head not wanting to reveal the truth in front of Josh. She knew she would regret the decision later, but Josh couldn't know he was the reason she hadn't said anything earlier.
The thermometer beeped. "102.5. Not really what I would like to see. Josh, can you help her sit up for a moment. I want to check your blood pressure." Josh put his arm around Donna's waist and the other arm rested against her back, while Abbey took Donna's blood pressure.
Josh looked on trying to catch a glimpse of what Abbey really was thinking. As Abbey finished taking Donna's blood pressure, she chose her words very carefully. "Are you experiencing any pain Donna? Headache, stomach, chest?" With the last question Donna nodded her head. Her chest felt tight for some reason, and it was getting harder and harder for her to breathe. "Your chest? Is it a pain or tightness?", Abbey questioned as she began listening to Donna's heart and lungs.
"Tight." Donna's breaths were becoming more and more shallow with each passing moment.
"Okay, Donna. Just take some nice deep breaths for me." Donna tried to follow Abbey's instructions, but the noose that seemed to be around her chest began to tighten more and more. Abbey didn't like what she heard at all. This wasn't something simple. "Donna, I want you to listen to me. I'd like to take you to GW, just to be on the safe side. I don't like the way your lungs sound right now, and your pulse is still real weak and thready.", Dr. Bartlett said as she placed her stethoscope back into her black bag.
"Please...don't...make me...go there.", Donna's eyes screamed out to Josh.
"If Dr. Bartlett says you need to go, you should go. Remember what the President said, it's best not to argue with her."
"Sit tight for a moment," Abbey said as she crossed to one of the security agents standing close by.
"I'm scared Josh.", she said in such a small voice that Josh had to clench his jaw tight to keep from crying.
"Everything's going to be fine. Dr. Bartlett just wants to make sure that its nothing serious, which I'm sure it isn't. We'll go to the hospital, get you checked out, and then go home, and I'll read you a bedtime story."
There was a brief moment where Josh thought he saw a glimpse of the Donnatella he knew and loved. Then her body began to stiffen and he could hear her gasping for air. He didn't know what to do. He couldn't just sit there and watch her turn blue. "Dr. Bartlett?! Dr. Bartlett?! Donna! Donna?!"
Abbey rushed back to Donna's side, as Sam, C.J., Toby, and Charlie entered the room.
"She's having trouble breathing. Something's wrong.", Josh yelled. The sound of his own voice frightened him.
"We can't wait any longer. Call the ambulance. Tell them its an emergency!", Abbey yelled in return. "Somebody!" Within minutes the paramedics were in the room trying to stabilize Donna.
"What happened?", Josiah Bartlett commanded as he entered the blue room. "Josh? What's going on?"
"I don't know sir. She was fine one moment, dizzy the next, and then she started turning blue.", Josh managed to fumble out. He could feel the panic rising in his chest. He hadn't felt this scared since...well for a long time.
"Josh?", he heard Donna cry out. "Joshua?!"
"I'm coming.", he replied as he rushed to her side.
" Josh, you should go with her. She needs you.", Abbey replied.
The thought of getting into the back of an ambulance again scared the shit out of Josh. He could feel his chest ache at the mere suggestion of it. But Dr. Bartlett was right. "I promised Donna I wasn't going anywhere, and unlike some may think, I don't usually make promises that I can't keep.", he thought. This one he had to keep.
"I'm coming.", and with that the paramedics rushed down the hall towards the ambulance, Josh running to keep up with them.
"Abbey, I'm going with you.", the President stated sternly.
"What about your guests? You know the Service hates it when you-", Abbey protested.
"They can deal with it. Donna is part of this family and she needs us to be there. My guests will understand."
The ride to the hospital seemed to take forever. The sirens, the antiseptic smell, the heart monitor, it was all too familiar for Josh. He couldn't loose control though. Donna needed him to be there, and he wouldn't let anything as silly as PTSD keep him from being by her side.
The familiar ache began in his chest and he could feel the sweat beginning to break out on his forehead. Joshua Noah Lyman, get it together now. He turned and faced Donna once more and held her hand a little tighter just as she had for him all those sleepless nights.
When the ambulance reached the hospital, Donna was rushed into a trauma room with Josh left to fend for himself. He wanted to stay with her, but knew the doctors needed time and space to help her.
What had happened? As he stood outside the trauma room watching the whirl of motion inside, Josh replayed every moment of the evening in his head. Donna had seemed rather quiet, and the usual banter that would have occurred between the two of them had all but disappeared lately. There hadn't been anything obvious that he could pin down, but then his thoughts wandered to the past several weeks. Josh remembered C.J. mentioning how thin Donna had gotten. She told Sam that it was from hanging around at Josh's apartment night and day that had caused the weight loss. Then again her eyes had begun to loose their sparkle, and it seemed to Josh she was quiet, almost too quiet.
Josh shuddered. Why hadn't he seen it earlier? He had been so wrapped up in having his own "nutties" that he hadn't bothered to notice something was wrong. Donna, his Donnatella was sick.
He should have seen it. He could have done something to help her. Made her take time off. Let her have one night when he didn't call in the middle of the night for her to calm his nightmares away. It was his fault she was lying there. Josh did the one thing he had promised himself he would never do...he hurt his Donatella.
"Josh?", C.J. whispered, not wanting to startle him. "Josh?"
"Yeah?", he shouted. "Sorry." His thoughts were interrupted, and thankfully so.
"Why don't we go sit in the waiting room? They'll come find us if anything-."
Reluctantly, Josh pried himself away from the trauma room window. He knew C.J. was right, but what if Donna woke up and didn't know where she was... that was part of his nightmares that terrified him the most. Waking up in the hospital with strange people all around. He didn't want to hurt her anymore than he already had. However, shock had taken complete hold of Josh now, and he couldn't make decisions for himself anymore. C.J. put her arm around him, guiding him down the corridor to the waiting room.
The room was quiet just like that night so many months ago. C.J. ushered Josh in, and tried to make him sit. But she knew not to fight his need to pace. Josh's face was white and several beads of sweat had appeared on his forehead. She noticed his hands tugging at the bow tie that seemed to be strangling him. He had come so far, and C.J. didn't like the familiar signs she was seeing.
"How is she?" The silence of the waiting room was interrupted by the entrance of Sam, Toby, and Leo. C.J. quickly motioned for the three of them to step outside the waiting room.
"What's going on?", Leo asked as they headed down the hospital corridor.
C.J. told them that the doctors were still working on Donna, and no one had come to talk to them yet.
"How's he holding up?", Sam asked quietly. He could see Josh pacing around the waiting room like a caged animal.
"He's barely holding on. He rode to the hospital with her in the ambulance."
"Is he having...?" Of all people, Toby hated asking the question, but they all wanted to know. Was Josh going to loose it again?
"I don't know, Toby. He's got to be... I mean the sirens alone would-",
C.J. was interrupted by the soft voice of the President. "I'll go in and talk to him.", he stated like a father preparing to talk with his new son-in-law. In their concern, the group hadn't noticed the rush of Secret Service agents suddenly filling the corridor signaling the entrance of the President.
"Yes, sir." C.J. replied.
When the President entered the waiting room, Josh didn't turn around. He knew the President was there, but he didn't turn around. Josh pulled his arms tight across his chest, the pain growing by the minute.
"Josh?"
Josh still didn't turn around.
"Son?"
There was a long long pause in the conversation. Josh knew the situation was bad. It was never good when the President called him "son". Josh's breathing had become labored. His hands clutched at his chest, and strained to undo the buttons on his dress shirt. He grabbed at the chairs beside him, but couldn't hold tight anymore. Slowly, he slid to the floor, the President rushing to his side.
"Josh? Josh?", the panic was now rising in the President's voice.
"I can't breathe. I...can't ...breathe.", Josh sputtered.
The President slid behind Josh and wrapped his arms around the shaking man.
"I'm going to help you Josh, but you have to listen to me. Take a nice deep breath. We'll do it together." The President drew a large breath in, but Josh didn't follow the President's lead.
"Turn off the sirens! Donna, make them turn off the sirens!"
"Joshua! Open your eyes! You're safe. There aren't any sirens. Take a deep breath, and open your eyes."
The President once more took a deep breath, and this time Josh tried to follow. "That's it. Just keep breathing. Keep your eyes open, and we'll get through this together."
Josh slowly began to regain control of his breathing, and the tightness in his chest began to subside. His eyes filled with tears, and he said in a small voice, "I can't loose her." Josh began to cry for the first time in he didn't know how long.
"I know son. I know." At that moment, the President closed his eyes, and lifted a prayer up to heaven. 'Fill this man and this woman with Your grace. Grant them peace and strength. Amen.' Josh sobbed, and the only thing the President could do was cradle him like the son he had always loved.
"Jed?", Abbey whispered to her husband.
The President slowly opened his eyes and looked up at his wife questioningly.
"She's in stable condition. "
"Will she be all right?", Josh's strained voice asked as he tried to compose himself.
"There's still a lot of unanswered questions, but she's all right for now. You can go see her."
"Yes mam. Thank you mam." Abbey left the room as silently as she had entered.
Josh ran a hand through his unruly hair as he tried to collect himself. Suddenly the memory of what he had just done in front of not only his boss, but the President of the United States flooded his memory. Sensing Josh's unease, the President looked straight into Josh's eyes.
"Josh, what was it Leo told you? As long as I've got a job, you've got a job. I don't exactly know the way out of this one, but somehow...", the President's voice trailed off as he became lost in his own thoughts about the future.
"Thank you sir." Josh took a slow and labored breath, stood, and exited the room.
The President followed Josh out of the room and met the tearful eyes of his wife. It had been a long time since he had seen her this upset and willing to share it to with him. He looked at her, and she slowly walked towards his open arms.
"It shouldn't take something horrible for us to start looking at each other again.", he said quietly.
"Jed-...", Abbey cooed as she was enveloped in her husband's arms.
Josh slowly opened the door to the trauma room, and crept to Donna's bedside. She looked so small lying there, almost like a child. He carefully pulled one of the chairs in the room up to the side of the bed and sat down. Staring at her hands, he thought about the small velvet box that lay in his top dresser drawer. When his mother had taken ill earlier in the year, she had given it to him. It contained his grandmother's wedding ring. Somehow she had managed to keep the ring hidden while in the concentration camp, and had wanted her grandchild to have it when the time was right. Josh's mother knew her son was in love, and had given the ring to him as a sign of her blessing on what she hoped would be her son's marriage to the love of his life. Donna wasn't Jewish, but she was everything Josh's mother had hoped and wished for in a wife for her son.
Slowly, Donna began to stir, and Josh's mind was brought back to the situation at hand. He took her hand in his and squeezed it gently.
"You're here.", was all she said before she drifted back to sleep.
"Always.", he whispered in return.
The days and weeks that followed were a blur to Josh. Donna's health continued to improve, though the reason for her illness was still quite a mystery. Part of her collapse had been blamed on exhaustion and dehydration. That was the easy part to heal. Donna was given a week of vacation time and then another week of only half days. ******************************************************************************
The service was small and simple. The press stayed away. Somehow they knew it was a day not to be a reporter. It was a day to mourn. There was snow on the ground, which made Josh smile. She had always loved the snow, even making him lie in the snow outside the capitol with her while she made snow angels. Now, he would have to make them by himself.
Joshua didn't know how to function anymore. At first, it was easy to keep busy. He was behind in all of his work. But each time he had a brief moment to stop and think, the flashbacks would start. Rosslyn, Joanie, Zoey, and now Donna. He started to see his therapist again. C.J. even called Stanley to try and help her friend. Josh could talk to his therapist, to Stanley or anyone else for that matter as much as he wanted to, but one thing never changed. He had lost his Donnatella, and no one could make that or the flashbacks go away.
The President wanted him to take some time off, to take a vacation somewhere away from all the sights and sounds that brought about the flashbacks. Could he really do that? Donna would've told him something like, "The country isn't going to fall apart just because Joshua Lyman is on vacation." He smiled at the memory of her quirky sense of humor. She was right. She was always right.
So he went. Reservations for three weeks in a small, secluded hotel on the coast of Mexico. The original plan had been to send him to Hawaii. Even that, however, had reminded him of the promise he had made to Donna several days before...well, just before the end.
"Joshua?", he heard his Donnatella whine.
"What is it now?"
"Promise me someday when we're out of the this place, you'll send me to Hawaii as a thank you present."
"A thank you present? For what?"
"Putting up with your terribly witty comments and sensitive system."
"What do I get for not firing you all the times you should have been fired?"
"You get this."
Josh's eyes filled with tears as he remembered the sweet kiss she had planted on his forehead.
C.J. went to the airport with Joshua the morning he left for Mexico. She wanted him to stay, but knew the time away from everything here would perhaps do him some good.
"You'll call when you get there, right?", she asked quietly.
"Yeah. Sure.", he said absently.
"We'll miss you."
"Yeah." As Joshua stood there, his flight was announced. He turned to leave, but C.J. grabbed his arm, and hugged him once last time.
"See you in a few weeks, mi amour."
And with that, Joshua walked away to board his plane and what he hoped would be some sort of peace.