A/N: Well here it is, my first Hetalia fanfiction. I've spent two years avoiding this, but here we are. I'm not going to make this note long due to the crazy one below, but I'd like to say that I am mentioning some pretty important things regarding this fanfiction in the note below. That is all!
The effects I have on others are often cruel at times. I do feel bad, of course. I never wanted to become what I am. I rule the lives of those living in fear. I cause many to cower on account of me, and to lose sight of their dreams. Even the most simple of human functions, like speaking to others, fall into the abyss due to my touch.
Perhaps an introduction would be necessary.
I live inside the humans. Not everyone falls into my darkness, but those who do find it hard to get out. Of course, there are ways, but I never really leave. Not completely. I will always be there at the back of your mind, muttering orders to the fear, telling it to strike.
Those who find their ways around me have always been quite curious to me. They think they are weak, but they are actually quite strong. I like to watch them. Their stories are fascinating at times, such as this particular one: Lovino Vargas.
It always started with the silence. Silence as still as wood, and hollow. Such a maddening thing to the Italian, this was. Maybe he had always hated this silence. Possibly even because silence meant no sound, and sound was what he loved most. Or perhaps, music was what he loved most, to be exact.
I took music away from him too. The strings that he loved so dearly now echoed the sounds of fear when touched. He could only watch as others created beauty from the strings, while he was unable to coexist with the music without sacrifice. This was when he was consumed. Jealousy and anger took him. He was angry at me. I took the one thing that saved him, and he refused to leave it.
He was alone. One last thing that I took from him was his speech. He could speak, of course, but not to whom he wished. He wanted to be able to talk to others just as they do, but I stopped him at even that. He complied, possibly because of his already broken will. But even in his acceptance, he was still angry. He decided that he didn't need anyone else, and his tongue became sharp. The words he spoke to others became piercing and rough. They were so sharp that they could carve something. Something wooden and hollow, to be exact.
I realize that combined, these things take the shape of the very thing I took from him. The wood, the strings, and the carved shape that defines it. Perhaps the cello that lives inside him was destined to stay there always. At least, that's what Lovino hoped.
"That was beautiful, Lovi! I think it was one of our best concerts yet!" Lovino's younger brother smiled so wide he believed his face would fall apart, the exact opposite of Lovino himself at the time.
"It was okay," he loosened his bow and put it inside the flap in his case. He wasn't thinking about how well they did, he was only thinking of how he survived yet another concert. His hands still contained traces of the shaking, and his head still felt like it outweighed his entire body.
"Looks like Fred put on another amazing performance," Feliciano gestured towards Lovino's cello.
"The cello's name is not Fred, Feli."
"Why not? Fred is such a cute name!" his brother giggled and reached out to touch the cello, but was quickly stopped by Lovino's hand.
"Don't touch my cello." Lovino's words were bitter, and lacked the amusement his brother was so graciously gifted with. Even if Feliciano was his brother, and played the violin, he could never trust when people touched his cello. This was especially after that one time he asked his cousin to look after it and came back to find it on the floor with a long, depressing crack running down it's side. "Who names their instruments, anyway?"
Feliciano regained his smile he lost a few seconds before, obviously used to his brother's usual tone, not at all bothered by the amount it contradicted his own way of speech. "Gilbert named his cello Mister Amazing."
"Gilbert doesn't count, and seriously, who the fuck names anything a name like Mister Amazing? Jesus it's like he's trying to get kicked in the balls" He cringed inwardly, hurriedly closing the case to his cello and gathering his music. "See you at home, Feli." He slung the case strap around his shoulder and tried to hurry away. Tried, is an important word to note.
"Wait! Aren't you coming to Olive Garden with everyone?" Feliciano called out, making Lovino stop in his tracks and turn around. He held back a gag, but to get his point across, maybe he should have gagged visibly, right in front of his brother.
"Are you fucking kidding me? I would rather die than go to a place as sickening as that! What the hell is wrong with you?" Lovino's face was that of true horror. Native Italians such as the Vargas family, to be exact, truly couldn't find a place more vile in comparison to their home cooked pasta. Correction: Feliciano's home cooked pasta.
"I know, I know. I'm only going so I can be with everyone else! Plus, Gilbert is bringing some of his friends that are joining next semester, don't you want to meet them?" Feliciano pleaded.
Lovino glared at his brother for a while, wondering seriously how they could possibly be related. Of course they both looked very similar, and had some similar interests, but the last thing Lovino would ever want to do is to have to socialize with all of those orchestra lunatics. He would much rather just play his cello and leave it at that, thank you very much.
Oh no. Feli had that look on his face. The one Lovino knew all too well. I have an idea, Lovi! Let's compromise!
"If you go, I'll let you have the practice room all to yourself for a week," Feliciano promised.
He must have really wanted Lovino to go. The practice room was the nicest room in their shared dorm, which was really more like an apartment. The front wall was littered with glass windows, and the room itself was completely empty aside from a chair, a stand, and Lovino, usually. The acoustics were absolutely gorgeous, of course. The sound it brought from his cello when he was alone was the light, the very reason he was here. Both being musicians, the siblings had fought over that room for ages. Ever since Lovino started playing, he could never practice in front of others, so there could only be one at a time.
"Alright fine. But I'm just going for a little while, and you're paying." He glanced at the cello rack. He didn't have to take his cello home yet, so he balanced it on the empty rack.
Feliciano's smile grew even wider. That grin was truly beginning to terrify Lovino, but at the same time he was glad that there was something pure in the world. His brother showed him that, as annoying as he could be. "I'm so excited for you to meet the new players, they're so nice! Well, one of them has a really dirty mind and a bit of an annoying accent but people probably think that about us too. Well, not the dirty part of course-"
Lovino tuned his brother out immediately. He had absolutely no interest in anyone in that orchestra but himself. The only reason he had been taking the class was because he was absolutely crap at everything except for the cello. When he first started playing, he liked it enough to practice all the time. Two years later he was surprised to find that he was actually pretty decent, so his brother convinced him to join. At first, he hated it with a passion, but when the semester was almost over and the orchestra sounded nice, he realized the joy he felt while playing with so many other players was incredible. It was like he was a fraction of a whole that had always been meant to be put together. However, he also realized that the anxiety he felt when he played on stage nearly broke him every time. He truly wondered if it was worth it.
"Is it okay if Luddy drives us there?" Feliciano broke through his thoughts with possibly the worst question he could have asked.
Lovino groaned loudly. "It's not like we even have a choice, do we?"
The smaller Italian laughed nervously. "Not really, no."
"Whatever, then. Let's just get this over with." He followed Feliciano to the German's car. His brother and Ludwig Beilschmidt had been good friends for a while, and quite frankly, Lovino couldn't trust the bastard a bit. First of all, he was huge, and could probably crush both Italians together in one flex. Second of all, he was Gilbert's little brother, Gilbert being one of the most annoying people he had ever met. Finally, the way he looked at Feliciano pissed him off to no end. Lovino knew love when he saw it, and that guy had it written all over his face. He couldn't stand couples, mainly because he knew he would probably never be in a relationship himself.
"I brought Lovino with us!" Feli skipped to the car and poked his head through one of the windows. Ludwig nodded, and Lovino noted his lack of a reply. He had stopped trying to speak to Lovino a long time ago, so at this point he didn't even bother. Lovino almost felt bad, since he knew it was because he had only bad things to say to him, but decided against it.
Feliciano automatically opened the door to the front passenger's seat, so Lovino assumed he would be in the back. At least that meant he didn't have to join in the conversation. They were talking about the concert, of course, so it was all shit he knew already anyway. The viola's were too quiet, the cello's were too loud, the second violin's were out of tune, and the first violin's were probably pitching a fit about something in between songs. It wasn't even a surprise that the conversation lasted until they got to Olive Garden.
When Lovino stepped out of the car, he seriously hoped at least one of the two people he could stand in the orchestra were there. Otherwise he'd be stuck having to talk to one of the newbies, or Gilbert. He shuddered.
Walking a safe distance behind Feliciano, he peered around the corner as they reached the large table they had to use for the amount of people sitting together. He didn't see anyone he even liked. Just great.
Reluctantly, he took a seat next to Gilbert. At least he knew how to deal with him. Although, the smug noise he made when Lovino entered the area probably wouldn't help matters.
"Wow, you've finally come out to be with the rest of civilization," the German said loudly, although Lovino figured he didn't even realize he was so loud. He was so self-absorbed that he didn't care, most likely. Lovino rolled his eyes visibly. This would be harder than he initially thought.
He never enjoyed being around people. People were unpredictable in every sense of the word. When you thought they could be nice, they were bitter inside. When you thought they could be bitter, they were actually nice inside. Lovino knew himself to be bitter inside and out, leading to even more inevitable self-loathing. For a sophomore, he had a lot of problems. Social anxiety was nearly at the top of the list.
He had never been good with words, so in situations like these he had no problems simply ignoring everything around him. Gilbert, for example, would not get the pleasure of a response to his idiocy. Of course, that wouldn't stop him from spewing more crap out of his mouth. At least this time it was directed towards the two sitting in front of him rather than himself.
He turned his attention to Gilbert's friends. He didn't listen much when Feliciano described them, but from what he could tell they were probably the ones that were joining next semester. One had long, creepy blonde hair and spoke in an annoying accent that nearly rivaled Gilbert's. He also seemed to be full of himself. It made sense that they would stick together, at least.
The other, however, seemed a little off. He was generally very attractive, but he seemed like an actual nice guy, which threw Lovino off completely. He tried to stay away from attractive people because they usually didn't help any of his problems, just made them worse. But this guy, his smile was absolutely huge, much like Feliciano's earlier that night, which was strange because Feliciano was the happiest person he had ever met. His face displayed a softness Lovino didn't see in many people. The fact that he hung out with Gilbert and his other creepy friend was a little strange.
He must be a jerk.
Wait, was this jerk looking at him?
Lovino's initial thought was that he must be a creep, of course. However, when he accidentally glanced into his eyes he found himself frozen in the grassy greens that reminded him so much of his birth home. So he's a creep with nice eyes.
Lovino found himself strangely drawn to the guy with green eyes, but as life would have it, he couldn't get one word in during the entirety of their dinner. Not that he wanted to, of course. He wanted to stay as far away from this jerk as possible. Hopefully he was a violinist and he sucked so he wouldn't be anywhere near the cello section.
Lovino stared up at the sky on his commute back to his dorm. He cursed himself for forgetting his bike, but he knew that it would have been far too big of a struggle to carry a cello and ride a bike at the same time. He'd seen it in movies, and it pissed him off. It was much harder than it looked.
He stopped for a moment as a slow melody graced his ears through his headphones. It was a piano, and it was simple. A cello was added lovingly, keeping the idea of the simple, slow melody. It was beautiful in all it's natural sound, barely any vibrato, but wholesome. As soon as he heard it, he breathed out a long breath he didn't even realize he was holding. It was like in every exhale he was getting rid of negativity, like he was releasing something awful all at once. This was probably quite good for him, he imagined.
Lovino closed his eyes. He didn't even care that he was standing in a boarding school campus in the middle of the night, all he cared about was the fact that he could feel. He was at the edge of something great, like an inventor nearly finished with his best invention yet. It was the anxiety. He didn't grasp it, at that moment, but I was gone, simply watching from afar. The music, as he thought before, truly saved him. Lovino simply had to realize that the difference between appreciating it and creating it was only what he believed he could do, and Lovino could do anything.
I do realize that I seem like a monster, but I assure you, I am not. I am simply an obstacle, able to be overcome.
When Lovino opened his eyes, he saw the stars. He saw everything he could do, if only he would just stop being so scared. He closed them once more, and he saw the vivid, grassy green eyes he hadn't been able to get out of his mind all night. He saw something new, something beautiful. He saw-
The song ended. Reality came crashing in like a tidal wave.
Lovino saw what he thought he could never have.
A/N: Okay, so there are a few important things to note here in this universe. As interesting as it would be to write a fic where one of the obstacles Antonio and Lovino have to overcome is homophobia and the hurdle of not knowing whether or not either is gay, I have decided not to. It would be too impossible considering the other obstacles I already have planned, and it would be highly unlikely to find an orchestra full of gay people all from different countries. So, in this universe, it is completely normal to find a gay couple, and there is no right or wrong when it comes to sexuality. As for the countries, I will mention this later in the fic but everyone goes to a completely made up International Boarding school set in Charleston, SC (A really beautiful place you should look up). And let's just say this is a rather nice school, why not.
Another important thing to note is that I realize that not everyone will get my orchestra references, and it would be a bit annoying to try to explain all of them in the fanfiction. If you don't understand any, I have a page on my tumblr that explains some of the culture, called Love Like an Accelerando Orchestra References. (Here is the link, remove the spaces: colacrescendo .tumblr geekforyoursoul )
The narrator is anxiety, much like Death in The Book Thief. In the beginning, Anxiety seems monstrous because the narration is supposed to take place during Lovino's concert. It isn't until the end of the chapter that Lovino realizes, just for a moment, that he can actually get over his anxiety. Aka, the anxiety is only what Lovino thinks it can be. I wasn't sure how to exactly get that across due to my inexperience.
Also, every song I mention I will provide the name of, just in case you want to experience what the characters are experiencing. Lovino's star song is called Þú ert jörðin and it's adorable. Thank you for dealing with this awfully long Author's Note, lovely readers!
Disclaimer: Hetalia is not mine, neither is the cover photo.