Dis
The shadows caught between the valleys of the mountain grew as daylight faded and night approached. The darkness stole time as a thief might steal away treasure and mocked my silence as I stood in the shelter of a doorway, crudely carved from rock, and saw my sons load their lives into the back of a merchant's cart. What little they had would be sold on their journey to a place known as the Shire, where they would go to meet a wayward wizard and their uncle, my brother, who had convinced them with few words that they should depart these sheltered halls and join his attempt at salvaging the glory of a long lost kingdom.
It was with a bitter heart that I had relented and bid them to leave.
In absence of a father, killed in battle, my children were raised on tales of a glorious life spun by a King who deemed himself unworthy without the benefit of a crown or gold to count in his lands.
Perhaps on that day I viewed Thorin too harshly, but it must be understood that my brother sought no counsel before making a decision affecting all the lives which had been rebuilt under the shelter of the Blue Mountains. He expected us to follow him to the brink of an abyss from which there was no guaranteed return, and without his guidance we would be leaderless save for the duties my birth and title had bestowed upon me.
On the day of his departure Thorin had come to my chambers and announced that Fili and Kili were to be joining him on his quest, it was without question that I was to support him in this and by his belief I should be thrilled that they had been chosen for such an honour: had I not been in process of hemming trousers at the time I should have driven my foot into his shin.
It is without pride that I shall admit to you I cursed him. Hands ached to tear chunks out of his hair. Grief for husband; father, brother and grandfather, already long lost, caused me to wail like some pitiful creature in great distress as I saw myself forced to stand aside and allow my children to bind their lives to his will.
For his part he comforted me and braved this display of ill character, knowing that it was only for his eyes to see: for my children cannot and will never know the façade that is my forbearance.
To my regret, it was not without some ill feeling that my dear brother and I parted.
As night draws in, I will often close my eyes and for a moment see him riding off on some great horse, raven hair strewn behind him in the wind, his sword at his side and a sparse pack to keep his burdens light as he departed for Erebor.
I did not watch him go as I did my children.
A shawl drawn about my person could not keep the shiver from running down my spine when I saw Fili, my eldest son, climb down from the cart and finish the last checks of their provisions. He was loaded with enough weaponry to see him through the gravest of battles and yet his step was as light and quick as that of a young fox. Aware of an audience my cub took a dagger from a sleeve within his armour and spun it to entertain. In that moment there was something about the light in his eyes, and the rogue look upon his face, as he threw the blade in the air and his sight caught hold of mine, that reminded me of his father and I had to breathe in sharply when he caught the weapon so I was not overcome. After all, I reminded myself, it was always Fili who was his double.
My dark haired beauty, my young Kili was beside one of the two ponies drawing their cart. As I watched him tend to the animals before their journey, it was difficult for me not to draw up an excuse for him to stay, for want of someone as caring to mind our livestock. A hunter he was always, but as his mother it was my desire to place him within kindlier roles. Would it be wrong to state that the aid of my brother's second heir should be unrequired?
At that time I thought the court might back me. Thorin was at distance enough to be informed, without power to affect such decisions…
The thought was as quick to disperse as it was to form.
My two boys moved closer to discuss their final preparations and begin their goodbyes. Their bond went deeper than brotherhood and I knew then that neither through life nor in death would I see them be parted from one another.
When a crowd had gathered about them I shrank to the back so as to regain my composure. Behind the stoic mask of my features my heart beat quickly, for by then such goodbyes were familiar to me, and it was fear which fed the doubt that fate wanted my children returned to me.
They had been born into my care and grown in the protective circle of my arms, venturing only so far as my judgement had allowed, and in that time we had not been parted for so long as this bold journey could take. If not for love of their uncle I wondered often whether they would still go but in their departure I saw also that it was for love of the life they wanted for me which spurred their courage in face of the unknown.
In shadow of the glory days of Erebor my children and those of others had been born and brought up to believe that all other styles of life were insufficient by comparison to what had been before. In the light of warmth and stability we had forgotten the darkness that festered in the days leading to and after the arrival of the dragon and so my people had grown indifferent towards their comforts and desired more than the riches we had gained through kinship and solidarity.
Gone now was the spirit in which we refugees had made a home within the Blue Mountains – it was replaced over the years with a lustful sentiment for gold that had been forgotten and left to its poison.
I hold not the same dwarven value for gold or jewellery.
It is a mark of difference I feel I shared with my children, and a spirit which set me apart from those other males within my lineage.
I saw my grandfather Thror driven mad with sickness of it and held steadfast to my will that I would not succumb to such poisons. My interests have always been for those of my people and for all the beauty of the Arkenstone we could not make up for the extent in which our house had failed them.
Those who had been sworn protection were led into graves the day that accursed stone was discovered. If it were not for Thror's boasts of divine kinship we may yet have continued in our prosperity and all that has come to pass since would not be as it is today: I blame our line for this.
Were I to be given one chance at amending some deed that I had done or words that I had ever said, then I would use that opportunity to retell the old stories to my children.
When they were young enough that I might sit with them on cold nights holding them close beside a fire, both boys tucked in the comfort of my embrace with the tops of their heads meeting underneath my chin, I would leave the storytelling to their uncle, who always remembered such things with a golden glow.
Thorin would entertain us all on those quiet evenings; making myself and the children laugh, cry and lament over things which prior to that time I would not find myself to be thinking of.
In truth I was always too focused on the present to waste much time combing over the ashes of the past, but had I spoken up during those moments then perhaps such enthusiasms would have been grounded and I could have convinced them all to have stayed.
It was not my fault that Thorin led them, and it was not Thorin's fault that their hearts were stirred, but had I focused their eager minds on tasks that were to be done at home, had I not encouraged their adventures, would I still have found myself waving goodbye?
Had I been overprotective, rather than lenient to their whims, would my sons have seen fit to depart?
These are not questions that anyone can answer.
I suppose it is not something that is in my long lifetime to know but as I reflect back upon that day I regret so deeply having not had the chance to say more than was necessary for my sons to hear. Had I prepared them better for what was to come and not left them to the wishful teachings of their brooding uncle, perhaps I would not now be stuck as he was, reflecting in misery upon an event that no longer has any purpose other than to taunt me: it was the last time I saw them.
I had regained composure at the back of an expanding crowd and after announcement allowed for the mass of bodies to be parted, I walked through with my head held high and greeted my sons with a somewhat regal indifference.
"Mother," Fili had touched his forehead to mine and I had stiffened as my resolve to remain as such almost crumbled. It was important that I should be seen as stoic; though had I known then what was to be, I would have swept him into my arms and crushed his form and Kili's to my chest.
"Be brave my son." I had looked hard into his soft blue eyes. "For your uncle and for your brother you must show fortitude and prove yourself to be the warrior I know you are." I then kissed his forehead and with one fist clenched to his chest he bowed to me once and mounted the cart. I could not look into his eyes again for I saw the moisture there and would not be one to cause the King's heir to lose face.
Custom allowed for me to be more lenient with Kili and I poured love into my expression that I hoped and knew he would carry over to his brother once we were apart. I took both of his hands to squeeze into them a rune stone I had carved in hope of offering some protection and forced out of him a promise that he would take care to return it to me safely. He had always been a rogue with his brother to take care of that and it was my deepest fear that they could be parted.
"I will be careful, mother." I also kissed his forehead and he bowed, though I needed to wipe a tear from his cheek before I could let him take seat next to his brother.
My boys sat together on the cart.
Dark hair set against gold. Blue tunic paired with green. Eyes blue and brown set forward for their next adventure. Last calls of goodbye heard faintly above the roar of an appreciative crowd. They were supposed to leave at night so that their mission could be silent and their departure unheard but I saw then there was to be no hope of it, and wished strongly that darkness would serve them better than their kin in terms of discretion.
Excitement grew as with final goodbyes Fili stirred the ponies into action and I stood at the forefront of their well-wishers trying to burn that final image of their departure into my mind.
Fin.
A/N This one shot was an idea I had about writing from the perspective of Dis looking back at the last time she ever saw Fili and Kili. I've used this as practice before continuing with some of my other stories and would appreciate any feedback as I'm also looking to enter into a competition soon. Please let me know what you think. Thank you for reading - thefallensdesires.