A/N: Before we begin, I must say that this story of the crew onboard the Normandy hearing themselves be metaphorically torn apart, then being thrown into a large pile which was to be used as a bed for the first time Saren and Sovereign had sex together is based upon the story Sweet Sacrifice by OrganicFantasy, just with less spontaneous lemons and more calibrations. So, yeah, you should read that too, because it's funny, and… err... really good, and all that stuff. Just read it!
Also, as I wrote this rip-off, I hadn't had any of the DLC, so there is NO Zaeed or Kasumi, since I don't feel like finding out what their personalities are really like.
Commander Kevin Shepard: pure-blooded paragon, proud owner of a VI replicating himself, stopper of Sovereign, crusher of the Collectors, troller of TIM, and all-around badass, was in love with Tali'Zora. But nobody cares about that since this isn't some disturbing Talimancer-three-way-with-Gabby-lemon. That, and it's just filler so some parts involving a three fingered bitch slap and an unhealthy use of the word Bosh'tet later on make sense.
Today, Commander Kevin Shepard: pure-blooded paragon, proud owner of a VI replicating himself, stopper of Sovereign, crusher of the Collectors, troller of TIM, and all-around badass, felt like having a laugh with his crewmates over something he found on the extranet. He called everyone who'd been on the suicide mission, along with Ken, Gabby, Kelly, Joker, and Dr. Chakwas to the Port Observation room (some of the crew members would need a lot of drinks). Within about 5 minutes everyone had taken a seat, aside from a certain turian. Shepard stormed over to the forward batteries, grabbed Garrus by the shoulder and yanked, effectively turning him around. "Shepard! Need me for something?" the turian asked, his voice showing a hint of fear. "Yeah," Shepard replied, "I need you in the Port Observation room, now!"
"Can it wait for a bit? I'm in the middle of some calibrations."
"Honestly, do you do anything besides calibrate weapons? You deserve to take a break. Besides, there will be free drinks, and who in the right mind would pass up an opportunity like that?"
"Certainly not you, commander," Garrus chuckled, remembering the countless times Shepard had passed out at the bar on the Citadel.
Some undetermined time later, roughly 3 minutes
"Alright, so you're probably wondering why I've called you all here today," Kevin spoke out, capturing the attention of those not yet drunk. "After defeating the collectors, we have all been somewhat bored, so I've decided to find something interesting for us to do."
"Oh no! We're going to have to play name games and other icebreakers like that, aren't we?" Jack moaned, causing the rest of the crew to give fearful looks at their commander. "No, I'm not that evil!" Shepard laughed,"I would never force you all to play those games! I've actually been surfing the extranet, and I found a site where people write fictional stories about famous people like us! There are actually a lot of good ones with an interesting plot and a particularly funny one where all of us became hanar and defeated the reapers by being annoyingly polite. But I found quite a few shitty ones as well, and I wanted to share with you one that has more run on sentences and character bashing than it does plot and character development." At this statement, everyone's eyes widened, except for Legion, whose light just brightened.
"Now, before I begin reciting this abomination, does anyone have any questions?" The commander asked. Garrus piped up, muttering, "I have one. Whe-"
"No, Garrus, you are not allowed to run any calibrations while I'm reading this," Shepard growled.
"Oh. I just wanted to know where the dextro-DNA friendly drinks are," The turian shot back.
"Well why didn't you say so?" Kevin asked, completely forgetting that he had cut Garrus off mid-sentence, "They're on the shelf next to Grunt's keg of ryncol."
"Touch that keg, and the scarred part of your face will be the better looking part," Grunt threatened.
"Now, if that's all, would you please begin reading the story, EDI?" Shepard announced, gaining a confused look from Jacob. "Why aren't you reading this commander?" He questioned. Kevin just laughed, explaining to Jacob as if he were a child, "Oh please. There are so many spelling and grammar errors it would take me forever to figure out what this thing said. EDI on the other hand, can figure out what it says in less than a nanosecond, making it easier for us to understand as listeners." Most understood his logic, aside from Tali, who added, "Couldn't Legion read it too? I mean, it's also an AI."
"I suppose that could work, but Legion, like the rest of us, will probably break down when it hears how badly it was butchered as a character. Now, let's get on with this already, okay?" Taking it that was her cue, EDI began reciting the story everyone feared by now. While she may have said everything in a way that made sense, I, being the kind and generous writer I am, will present you with the unedited, unspell-checked, and illegible version of it. (for those of you who don't feel like trying to decipher this awful writing, it will also be written in a decent format at the bottom.)
MASS UHFEKT THREAH!: THA REEPER INVAZHUN!
Cumandur Sheperd jumped onto the Normundy like a BA, becuz he wuz but he coodint get all tha way up so he almost fell but Tali PULLED HIM UP! And sayved himbecuz shees tha onlhy kewl person on the ship and also Sheperd bucuz he is a BAand joakr becuz he lieks prn and porn iz gud 4 u and then shepord wuz okay becuz tali saved him becuz sheez awsum and maeks sammichez for me becuz im maeking her luk gud in this storee.
Wen they wur bak on da shiptali sed 'shepard I don't kare if having teh secks with mee gives you immune-kanser, I want u naoooooo!'and shepherd sed'so do I' and dey banged rite ther by joker who jackd off becuz he lieked watching that stuf but he has bitter bone disees so the bones on his rod broke and he cride.
"What the- I don't even- that bosh'tet!" The words were stumbling out of Tali's mouth almost as if they were a group of Batarians leaving a bar after a long night of partying.
"Do humans even have bones in that area?" Garrus asked.
Laytr ohn shepherd went tue chek on tha rest of da cru and he wuz sad becuz Miranda wuz alive so he shot her and he wuz sad becuz sujbekt seeroe wuz uhliev so he shot her and then he wuz happie so he made out with tali but thea kant rest yet becuz the reeperz r cuming! And thae nead too fite them! But furs thee haz to find ashly and kill her becuz shees raesist. Will sheperhd find her? Find out in tha next chapter!1! u haz 2 revu dis or sheperdh will shute u 2!
"Wait, is it already over? Thank God!" Jacob cried out.
"Sorry to burst your bubble, but that's only the first chapter. Who knows how long this crap will last, but we will go through a chapter quite often, so you may want to find a psychiatrist now before it's too late." Shepard replied
A/N: Love it? Hate it? Don't have enough motivation to review voicing your opinions? Either way, cut me a little slack if this seems terrible, because it's my first time making a satire. Also, in case you are either completely stupid or Garrus, guts do not have bones "down there" Now, without further babbling, I give you the readable version of the Crap-Fic, as I'm calling it.
Mass Effect 3: The Reaper Invasion
Commander Shepard jumped onto the Normandy like a badass, because he was one. He couldn't quite grasp the deck to the airlock, so he almost fell to his death. As his fingers lost their grip and he began to fall, Tali's hand grabbed his and pulled him to safety. Only she could do this because she, along with Shepard and Joker, (only because he watches porn, which is good for the mind and body) is the only cool person on the ship. Because of her sheer awesomeness, Tali was able to help ensure her commander's safety. As an author's bonus, she makes me sandwiches for giving her a good reputation in this story.
Once the crew had settled back down on the ship, Tali whispered seductively to her lover, "Shepard, I don't care if having sex with you gives you immune-cancer; I want you now!" Shepard replied with a simple, "So do I." They didn't even take the time to go to his quarters. As they proceeded to demonstrate what not to do in the workplace, Joker felt oddly turned on, and decided to take advantage of this erotic sight through masturbation. Unfortunately, due to his case of vrolik syndrome, the bones in his erect member were soon fractured.
After his pleasurable time with Tali, Shepard went around the ship to check on his crew, but was disappointed to see Miranda and Jack were alive and well. He solved this with a bullet to the head for each of the two, regaining his happiness. He celebrated their deaths by making out with Tali.
While it seems like the galaxy is safe, the crew of the Normandy can't rest yet, as the reapers are fast approaching, and only they can stop them. But before the crew prepares for their upcoming battles, they need to find Ashley Williams and kill her for being racist. Will Shepard find her? Find out in the next chapter! You must review this or Shepard will shoot you too!