I can't even control it anymore. I can't even stop the thinking. All the time, holding my head, wandering and searching every single thought in my mind, outplaying every possible outcome to be. I really wouldn't know how to fully explain how I feel right now. I'm overfilled with joy like I've never seen before, felt, like I've never felt before, but then again, I get these moments, when I just know I'm the lowest lousy person in this world. Probably just mental crisis, probably...
I really wish that someone could "really" notice it. There's still someone who can understand me mostly. I've been saying I'm alright a lot. And, it's true, well, half-true. I am, but then again, there are those moments again, when everything just falls to pieces for the time being. Yes, definitively a mental crisis, it must be. It's not like I'm constantly like that. I'm a happy character in this whole play, and I still feel like I have so much more inside. I have been holding it in for years, and I just know it could all blow up in one second, but it won't, because I always find an excuse, something to tell to myself why it's not worth it, why not now. But then again, when's the right time? When would be the right time to release all of this pent up hatred and rage I have inside me. I really hate it, but it's been building up for years to come, and I recently realize it won't anymore. Doesn't mean all of it will be gone just because it won't fill up anymore. I still have to find a way to do it, without me hurting anyone, emotionally, the least. I'm surprised I haven't. My mind is filled with all sorts of crazy ideas. Worst thing of it all is, they don't even sound bad, not up until the fact I do them, and realize it was all a tricky illusion. I've always known I've had a unique character. Some would say that's good, they'd say "You're not like the rest of them, that's better". But unique doesn't always mean good. Atleast not with me, I'm definitively unique, I've realized long ago my mind doesn't think on the same sanity level of everyone else. I've learned to fit in though, and that alone might have been the reason I could keep this much in all this time. My childhood wasn't that big of a deal either, it was everything that happened after it. I couldn't complain that much about my childhood, I had a normal one, mostly. Yes, the absence of a mother was something that's not in your daily normal life. But just because my biological mother wasn't there for me, doesn't mean I couldn't grow to love someone else to fill in the spot. And I did...
Infact, I keep thinking more about it now, and that would be another trigger that would make me do this. Her dissapearance just made it worse. She couldn't help it, she's been through a lot with me too, atleast she's in a better place now. Up until that point, she could understand some parts of my feelings. But yes, after that, you could say I was basically alone. Yes, I can't say people didn't care for me, they did, but, that started to fade away slowly...
Can't really blame them, can't really blame me, it's just things that happen, I suppose. It is true that you find out who your closest are in your darkest times. That's the thing though, now, I have something, something that can just sprout out to life, and become what I've been waiting for. Something, where I can finally feel free, away from this chains of doubt and fear, from pain and rage...