Vampire Lover, Double Teaming
o-o-o
Sora tilted his head to the side, contemplating Riku's outlandish idea.
"You're a vampire, I'm a vampire, and we both want the same girl. I think we should settle this. We all know Kairi has the most tasteful blood in existence, and we want to melt in her crimson liquid. It'll be like a team Sora, team Riku thing."
"Will it be better than my fifty seconds of pleasure on Saturday nights?"
"Way better. Now then, I need you to lure the target in question with a subtle, friendly text message."
"Why me?!" Sora whined.
"Because she knows my reputation for being a two-timing manwhore. She thinks you're the best thing since butter on bagels."
"I put jelly on bagels."
"SORA, CALL HER!"
"Whoa, Riku. Calm yo shit. You're not yourself when you're hungry."
"Hence why you should get her over here!"
"Do you think Kairi would go more for Mario Party Three or Super Smash Brothers?"
Riku wanted to rip his hair out.
o-o-o
Kairi sat in the middle of the living room, wondering exactly why she was the ham between the sandwich.
"Guys, this really isn't comfortable. Please remove the pillows, because contrary from popular belief, pillows can still suffocate someone."
"Riku, what's a vagina pole?" Sora asked, completely ignoring the request at hand.
Riku and Sora had their backs to her, trying their hardest to squish her tiny body so much that she passed out and they could take advantage of her unconscious body for their own feasting purposes. However, this was unsuccessful when Kairi pulled her skin off and spontaneously grew fur, wondering why she wasn't on top of both of them. Why? Because she was a whore. Her father was a hamster and her mother smelt of elderberries. She looked at Sora and thanked God for his blessings every day and as his penis grew and grew, she was even more grateful for his powerthrust.
Riku then died and came back to life fifty times in a row, and when he did, he knew the truth.
He WAS the vagina pole!
Sora opened his mouth and began to scream at the top of his lungs. He began to commence photosynthesis, all while farting multiple times out of his mouth.
Kairi had to have him.
"If only I was programmed for taste, I would know how delicious nuts were," Sora said robotically as Kairi jumped him. That was when Vexen appeared out of nowhere with a pink puppy that he called Majin Buu.
"Whatever is the commotion in this place?"
"Grandpa Vexen, I want to make Sora my pet. Can I, can I?" Kairi pleaded, stringing along the helpless vampire. Perplexed, Vexen stared down at his fangs and shrugged it off.
"Fine, but don't let him touch my Buu."
"BUU!" Sora's eyes turned bright red as the darkness overtook him. His fangs grew to the floor and he shoved them up Kairi's nose. Kairi cried out in delight as wings sprouted out of her eyes, sending blood spurting all over the front of Vexen. Vexen laughed maniacally and began to twirl. Riku stared into space, contemplating where he was going in life and wondering if he should just kill himself and become a seed.
Not the plant seed.
The penis seed.
"Sora, did you know that you could actually make money from donating your seeds?"
Sora was too busy being consumed by darkness, ironically, to hear his friend's random thought. His eyes rolled into the back of his skull and he orgasmed sweet, colorful butterflies. They flew all around him and then shattered into a million glass shards, cutting the hell out of Kairi.
"Masturbation, complete. 100%."
"Sora?" Riku stood over Kairi's dead body, staring at the Thanksgiving dinner they had created.
"And now… we feast."
o-o-o
A/N: I'm not ashamed. One. Bit.