Our story starts here, and it concerns the life of Mr Clark Kent, stud
muffin extraordinaire, and soon to be Superman...
Everything was completely normal in Smallville, well, as normal as one meteor rock-ridden town could muster. Currently there were no fat-sucking students at Smallville High, secret Luthercorp deals, or shenanigans with any farmyard animals on the Kent Farm. That was just a harmless little rumour after all.
But, there was an event soon to be taking place that was bound to skyrocket the blood pressure of every single female inhabitant of Smallville. The Annual Smallville Shirt Ripping Competition was coming to town. This was a chance for all the male characters averaging more than ten words per episode to pit their sex appeal and shirt ripping skills against each other. It was also a chance for the women to show off their damsel in distress acts.
***
Clark, in all his hexagon-headed glory came bounding down the stairs one bright and sunny Monday morning. It was amazing how although he was actually 25 years old the camera made his skin look super smooth, as if he had not reached puberty yet and never had to shave in his life.
"Hey Dad, I'm just off into the barn to lift some stuff and flex my manly muscles before school."
"Ok son, just make sure you're not late."
"Sure Dad, I won't be."
Just as Clark walked past the breakfast bar he caught a glimpse of something shiny and appealing.
"Hey Dad, what's that?" he asked
"Just a flyer I got in the mail this morning, I was going to throw it out." Jonathon reached over to take the flyer but Clark got there first.
"The Annual Smallville Shirt Ripping Competition, why have you circled the phone number under Apply Now?" Clark asked his father with his eyebrow raised in that sexy way that nothing and no one except a badger can resist.
"Clark, there's just something you have to understand, we Smallville men never miss an opportunity to get together and compete for the title of Supreme Shirt Ripper. There's just a lot of prestige that goes with that award."
"But dad, you're nearly fifty, don't you think you should be taking it easy and not demeaning yourself by entering this poor excuse for a cheap strip- show?"
"You just don't believe I can do it. Now listen here sonny, my body is just as firm and sexy as yours will ever be. Why do you think you're mother was all over me last night?"
"Eww, dad, too much information, and FYI, my smooth and gorgeous chest makes all the girls swoon."
"Well if you think you can beat me, just try big boy!"
"Guy's, guys, stop this, I am sure that both your chests are equally firm and luscious in their own right." Martha said stepping in, in order to prevent the testosterone levels getting too high. "And Clark, you know your father by now, and you know how possessive he gets when anyone tried to intrude on his hobbies."
"Clark I have to, otherwise Lionel will beat me and I can't stand to lose to him, he is such a bad winner."
"But didn't Lionel die that time when he was blind and that vampire threw him 50ft through the air?" Clark asked.
"No he survived. Surely a blind old man wouldn't die from something like that Clark." His mother replied.
"Well what about the time he was shot in the heart twice and felt from the balcony through a glass window?" 'Haha' thought Clark 'I'm right this time'
"No son he survived that too. He is Lionel Luthor after all."
"I'm sorry Dad, I wasn't thinking straight. You know what I'm like, always dreaming about the sun setting and wondering what my poetry should be about tonight."
"That's all right son, you must have inherited that soulful, intellectual side from me, I-"
Jonathan and Clark were so alike, what with the same build and sexy deep voice. Jonathan had completely forgotten that his son was actually an alien.
"Oh I'm sorry son, it's just I love you so much I seem to always forget that you're from another planet."
"Don't worry dad, I never use to think about me being from another planet that much either, well until the second series."
"Oh yes, I remember, that was about the same time that we started to get cheesy lines."
There was a murmur of agreement and the scene changed dramatically.
*** We next approach our hero in the company of his friends in his high school environment, walking casually down the hall to no particular destination.
"So Pete, I am so glad that since the beginning of series two you have more than one line per episode."
"Me too Clark, and now I know your secret, so it will be far easier for me to be integrated into the storyline."
"I guess so." And with the swiftness of a flying superhero, Clark changed the subject. "My dad is going to enter The Annual Smallville Shirt Ripping Competition." He said with a certain glumness.
"What's so bad?" Pete asked, clearly he did not embarrass easily.
"My father is going to be parading around Smallville exuding sex appeal with thousands of gorgeous women ogling him at every opportunity, Pete, that should be me." Clark frowned, although it made him look even sexier (if that was even possible), which made the audience sigh.
"So, what are you going to do about it?" Pete asked, trying to outrun Clark's steps so that he could be more in the camera view.
And with the air of a man looking up towards a computer generated light bulb, Clark came up with an idea "Eureka!" he cried.
And now it is time for a well placed commercial break...
Everything was completely normal in Smallville, well, as normal as one meteor rock-ridden town could muster. Currently there were no fat-sucking students at Smallville High, secret Luthercorp deals, or shenanigans with any farmyard animals on the Kent Farm. That was just a harmless little rumour after all.
But, there was an event soon to be taking place that was bound to skyrocket the blood pressure of every single female inhabitant of Smallville. The Annual Smallville Shirt Ripping Competition was coming to town. This was a chance for all the male characters averaging more than ten words per episode to pit their sex appeal and shirt ripping skills against each other. It was also a chance for the women to show off their damsel in distress acts.
***
Clark, in all his hexagon-headed glory came bounding down the stairs one bright and sunny Monday morning. It was amazing how although he was actually 25 years old the camera made his skin look super smooth, as if he had not reached puberty yet and never had to shave in his life.
"Hey Dad, I'm just off into the barn to lift some stuff and flex my manly muscles before school."
"Ok son, just make sure you're not late."
"Sure Dad, I won't be."
Just as Clark walked past the breakfast bar he caught a glimpse of something shiny and appealing.
"Hey Dad, what's that?" he asked
"Just a flyer I got in the mail this morning, I was going to throw it out." Jonathon reached over to take the flyer but Clark got there first.
"The Annual Smallville Shirt Ripping Competition, why have you circled the phone number under Apply Now?" Clark asked his father with his eyebrow raised in that sexy way that nothing and no one except a badger can resist.
"Clark, there's just something you have to understand, we Smallville men never miss an opportunity to get together and compete for the title of Supreme Shirt Ripper. There's just a lot of prestige that goes with that award."
"But dad, you're nearly fifty, don't you think you should be taking it easy and not demeaning yourself by entering this poor excuse for a cheap strip- show?"
"You just don't believe I can do it. Now listen here sonny, my body is just as firm and sexy as yours will ever be. Why do you think you're mother was all over me last night?"
"Eww, dad, too much information, and FYI, my smooth and gorgeous chest makes all the girls swoon."
"Well if you think you can beat me, just try big boy!"
"Guy's, guys, stop this, I am sure that both your chests are equally firm and luscious in their own right." Martha said stepping in, in order to prevent the testosterone levels getting too high. "And Clark, you know your father by now, and you know how possessive he gets when anyone tried to intrude on his hobbies."
"Clark I have to, otherwise Lionel will beat me and I can't stand to lose to him, he is such a bad winner."
"But didn't Lionel die that time when he was blind and that vampire threw him 50ft through the air?" Clark asked.
"No he survived. Surely a blind old man wouldn't die from something like that Clark." His mother replied.
"Well what about the time he was shot in the heart twice and felt from the balcony through a glass window?" 'Haha' thought Clark 'I'm right this time'
"No son he survived that too. He is Lionel Luthor after all."
"I'm sorry Dad, I wasn't thinking straight. You know what I'm like, always dreaming about the sun setting and wondering what my poetry should be about tonight."
"That's all right son, you must have inherited that soulful, intellectual side from me, I-"
Jonathan and Clark were so alike, what with the same build and sexy deep voice. Jonathan had completely forgotten that his son was actually an alien.
"Oh I'm sorry son, it's just I love you so much I seem to always forget that you're from another planet."
"Don't worry dad, I never use to think about me being from another planet that much either, well until the second series."
"Oh yes, I remember, that was about the same time that we started to get cheesy lines."
There was a murmur of agreement and the scene changed dramatically.
*** We next approach our hero in the company of his friends in his high school environment, walking casually down the hall to no particular destination.
"So Pete, I am so glad that since the beginning of series two you have more than one line per episode."
"Me too Clark, and now I know your secret, so it will be far easier for me to be integrated into the storyline."
"I guess so." And with the swiftness of a flying superhero, Clark changed the subject. "My dad is going to enter The Annual Smallville Shirt Ripping Competition." He said with a certain glumness.
"What's so bad?" Pete asked, clearly he did not embarrass easily.
"My father is going to be parading around Smallville exuding sex appeal with thousands of gorgeous women ogling him at every opportunity, Pete, that should be me." Clark frowned, although it made him look even sexier (if that was even possible), which made the audience sigh.
"So, what are you going to do about it?" Pete asked, trying to outrun Clark's steps so that he could be more in the camera view.
And with the air of a man looking up towards a computer generated light bulb, Clark came up with an idea "Eureka!" he cried.
And now it is time for a well placed commercial break...