Author's Note: This was written for Deborah at Rentficchallenge using the prompt "darkfic, preferably Mark/Roger".
Warnings: Attempted suicide, mentions of dubious consent, slash
I almost never found out how Mark felt about me. First I was blinded by my own problems: April's death, my withdrawal, losing Angel, trying to write a song. Then my relationship with Mimi occupied so much of my time and attention I didn't see what was happening to him. I sure as hell didn't see what Mimi was doing to him.
After her near-death experience Mimi didn't want to be alone anymore, so she moved into my room with me. We spent most of our time together when she wasn't working at the Cat Scratch and I wasn't tending bar at Flanagan's, a cop bar a few streets over. Mimi was my constant companion. When we weren't in the bedroom we cuddled on the couch or found other things to do as a couple. Mark got shoved to the periphery.
Mark had always been off on the sidelines. He studied everything and picked it apart. He was quiet and I guess I just got so used to seeing him there that I started to take his presence for granted. Mimi and I grew more consumed with each other. I didn't see that Mark was becoming more distant and withdrawn.
At first, he only avoided going out with us. He always found an excuse not to go the Life or come along for walks in the park with the two of us. He claimed he was a third wheel. We tried to encourage him, but gradually we accepted his excuses. Then he stopped coming along when we were going out with larger groups. Every now and then, Joanne and Maureen could coax him out, but for the most part, he avoided social outings. Over the course of a few months, he stopped hanging out with us at the loft. He'd go out when we were there or else barricade himself in his room. This all happened so gradually that I didn't really notice the pattern. It was nearly a fatal mistake.
One night I came home after my shift to a seemingly empty apartment. Mimi was still at the club, and I thought that Mark was out filming. I decided to indulge in a bubble bath (something I only did when I made sure no one was around). I gathered towels, my bubble bath and a change of clothes and entered the bathroom. And I screamed.
Mark was lying on the floor. His skin was more translucent than usual. His lips had a bluish tinge. A empty bottle of vicodin was clutched in his hand, a piece of paper in the other. I reached over to check for a pulse. Thankfully, there was one. He was breathing as well, although shallowly. I ran to the kitchen and dialled 911 and requested an ambulance. When I got back to Mark, I made sure he was still breathing and took the paper from his hand. It was a letter addressed to me:
Roger,
I suppose if you're reading this, I will be dead. I couldn't go on any longer. You told me last year that I was living a lie. You were right. I tried to hide in my work. But I wasn't hiding only from failure or fears. I was hiding from myself.
Since I'm now dead, I can tell you everything without fear. It won't matter any more. First, I have to tell you, that I misrepresented myself in all the games of I Never and Truth or Dare we'd play with Collins and the others. Have you ever noticed during the virginity questions, I never used the word? I always said "I first had sex with a girl when I was fifteen." You thought my first sexual experience was with Nanette Himmelfarb. It really was with her brother, Caleb when I was twelve. He tutored me in Hebrew for my Bar Mitzvah. I didn't really want to, but since he was so much bigger than me, I went along with it. I also kept it a secret like he wanted me to. It wouldn't do to have the Rabbi's son be proclaimed as a faggot.
I guess I've always know that I'm gay, but after Caleb, I couldn't trust a man in a relationship with me. I tried to convince myself that I was straight. I dated Nanette, but thought more about Caleb. Lucky for me, Nanette was pretty flat-chested at 15 and I could picture Caleb instead. My girlfriends were more for show than anything. I didn't want to admit it to myself. I also didn't want to have to deal with the issues that dating a man would be sure to dredge up.
I also wanted to let you know you're the man I trust the most in my life. My father never accepted me for who I am, only who I could be. He never forgave me from dropping out of pre-med. I trust Collins to some extent, but he's not always around. You've never hurt me, never left me. I've had a crush on you for a while, but never acted on it. Mimi told me you'd never be interested in me. She figured out the truth awhile ago. I see that it's true. You've been spending more time with her and there's no room for me. She said you don't want me around. I'll leave you two to your lives. You're happiness is important to me.
I love you.
Mark
I rode to the hospital with Mark in the ambulance, thinking about what I had read. It was true that I hadn't spent time with Mark, but I did want him around. I realized then that Mimi was the one who always attached herself to me or moved closer whenever Mark entered the room. Now, I have never claimed to be completely straight. Most of the time, my partners were women, but I had a few boyfriends when I was younger. I've always found Mark attractive, but would never act on my attraction.
The doctors pumped Mark's stomach and admitted him overnight for a psychiatric evaluation. Unfortunately, I couldn't stay with him because of the hospital's rules. We weren't blood relations. I decided that I needed to confront Mimi about Mark's note. I returned to the loft and waited.
Mimi's shift ended at two AM and she wandered in the door at two thirty. Immediately, she crawled in my lap and started to kiss me. I wouldn't let her. I showed her the letter and asked what she said to Mark. She admitted that she had been telling him for months that we didn't want him around all the time. She was the reason he never went out with us anymore. She even confessed that she had given him the pills. I kicked her out then and there. In the morning I would go see Mark and try to repair the damage to our friendship. Maybe it would develop into something more.